Hat wars and soup-er dates, let the sausage see the roll... The Online Dating Thread reaches 25!

[Yogagirl17]

Erm...hope nobody minds?

YES! if there is anything you are going to say at all, if you really really have to respond with something, make it that.

Please don't respond, even "go fuck yourself" is showing how emotionally involved you are. He isn't worth any further interaction, because anything you send you will send to provoke a reaction. You don't need one. You need nothing more from him.

How about something along the lines of.

"I found your final text patronising and cruel. After all we have gone through together I would have hoped you knew me a little better than that.

I feel awful enough having opened myself up to and being given rejection but I needed to clarify as for me the boundaries between platonic and non platonic affection were becoming blurred.

I feel hurt and vulnerable already and for you to suggest I am somehow emotionally self harming and need you to decide what is best for me insults me in a way I never thought you would.

I miss you and had started to hope maybe there was a way of salvaging our friendship but now I am not even sure that is as solid as I believed."

Or something along those lines - I know in a similar situation I would struggle to send it as there is a hint of emotional blackmail but speaking as somebody unbiased I think he bloody well deserves it!!!

I don't know Madame, I'm sure your advice is better, but if it were me, I know I would get a fair amount of satisfaction from telling him to fuck off

My reasoning is - yes it might make you feel better, but not for long. It is a quick fix which doesn't last. And ultimately, he still doesn't care, so why waste the energy? You are still giving him his creepy little fix of attention which he can then feel all superior about and ignore.

He sounds like the sort of twat who says "I take no pleasure in this" when he dumps you.

Don't say anything, don't play the game any more, don't keep feeding it. If you reply, then you will be waiting to see if he replies, then if he doesn't you will feel bad, if he does you will feel bad, you'll spend lots of time checking your phone/e-mail to see if he's got in touch, you'll have to think of another reply to his reply and it will all start off again.

Cold turkey, sorry.

Actually, I think MadameO is right about not contacting him again although agree with Yoga it would be hugely satisfying to tell him where to go.

This is so horrible, I am sorry you are going through this.

Snape...delurking again to say, I am so sorry this has happened. You are great, he is not. The twain shall never meet.
It really is not you, it really is him, but he will twist this to make you feel it is you. Please try not to let him, try not to reply to his self pitying text (Waah, poor me, someone loves me, what will I do?).
Your love should be a priveledge(sp?), not a burden someone has to bear.
I have been there and it is a shite place to be.
Disengagement is the only way, in that lovely response you wrote, he will only read, Love me, love me, pressure pressure.
Oh, and he is a knob.
(hugs and hand holding)

Replying will achieve nothing and will only feed his ego more. I'd probably write down everything I wanted to say to him...but then not send it. Have you read 'don't call that man?' it's quite a good read...lol....self help book recommendation for every eventuality these days...thanks MN!

Like snape I have an over-riding need to have the last word and feel that anyone talking such utter crap needs a bloody good slap.

What about:

From your response, its clear that the person for whom I made the notebook has gone and has been replaced by a patronising, self-absorbed wanker. Please place the notebook into a bag, together with [any other personal items you want him to return] and hand it to XFM when you see him next week. You are no longer worthy of it. Thank you.

Do not sign your name, no kisses, no affection, nothing.

IMO, the last word is so over-rated....remember he'll be waiting for a response and it will be frustrating as hell for him not getting one. He thinks he's really important and a real loss...so if you reply you'll verify that for him. If you have to respond I'd be tempted to say something like. "ok, thanks for letting me know".

snape do you think your friendship could ever recover after THAT message?

I would sit on it for a couple of days before you send anything. I think you'd be better off not dignifying THAT message with a response.

Loving ... you're right, of course. I am weak and self-indulgent.
But snape is strong ...

I might be strong, but I am also fucking furious!

Anger is good. Why not channel it into an illustration of recent events? you could draw him as a knob

Fucking furious is the way to go.

Oh & if you 8do get the notebook back, it goes to MadameO* as a marketing tool for your new wonderful career ...

I'm surprised if he felt so hurt and terrified that he chose to accept the notebook.

a very small knob

Thank Christ we never DTD.

No contact is definitely the way. Trust me.

Again referring to my own experience, my mind came up with all kinds of acrobatics to carve a path that made being in contact make sense.

He sort of went along with it and we went round and round in fucking circles for ages. A destructive circle of cruelty and icy coldness from him, and me accepting tiny crumbs of kindness because they seemed like heaven compared to the pain factor of no contact.

I wish we had gone for no contact so, so much sooner, and if I can get this across to you snape and save you some of the hell I went through then I'm going to try my damn best to!

I know you are furious snape and rightly so, but any reply from you will only serve to prolong the awful cycle as mentioned above, and prolong the pain.

Agree that no contact is the way to go! The email you sent was very honest, but too forgiving. He doesn't merit that forgiveness Snape, save all that loveliness for someone who appreciates it!

snape - my lovely. Its awful.
hes an utter arse.

But. lets look at it a different way, this shatters any illusions, you cant ignore/ explain/ make exuses for this behaviour. He has shown, in one move, how selfish he is, how its only about him, how he would be a terrible partner, and really, what little respect you had for him.

He wasnt who you thought he was. You werent in love with him, just the person you thought he was.

You know it was the same for YWK. I loved him, so much. With every fibre ofmy being, more than i have ever loved anyone. I thought i was special, and only i saw the real him, only i understood him. He led me to believe that, because it suited him, it kept me avaliable. It excused crap behaviour. Like PM he led me on. Actaully worse and he told me he loved me a thousand times. I would have always wanted to stay friends, through every hurt i always knew it would be ok.
It wasnt until i brought ( funded by him) all his furniture, for a flat he was moving into with his gf ( that i didnt know about) that i saw him for who he was. To have done that to me, awful. He was selfish. It suited him to have certain needs met my me ( emotional, not sexual) he thought i would always be there.
I was distraught, and went through what you are going through. Then i was angry. Fuming with rage.
Then cross at myself for not seeing it before ( logically i knew, emotionally i didnt) Love is blind, there is that saying for a reason.

Think of all the advice you gave me, or, still do occassionally. Its the same situation ( whether you realise that or not, PM has been just as much of a user as ywk was)

I also know that it would never work out with YWK - he still contacts me and begs me, but the power is all in hishands, he knew i loved him, would have jumped through hoops, it was never ( despite what he said, actions said otherwise) recipricated.

Dont reply to him, thats the advice you would tell any of us. hes not worth it, hes trying to blame you. You deserve no blame. To call you terrifying - there are no words.

To be hurt by someone so close, who you thought was so perfect is so so so painful. But you are better than this.

You really are. We adore you, you family do, your friends do.

Can I send the email and then when/if he replies with some bunch of apologetic bullshit, then go, 'nah. Actually, I've decided you're emotionally stunted and a bit of a wanker?'

DON'T SEND IT. (Sorry for shouting)

I have a better idea, let's just use the rest of the thread to slag him off