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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Hat wars and soup-er dates, let the sausage see the roll... The Online Dating Thread reaches 25!

999 replies

Yogagirl17 · 23/10/2012 16:17

Erm...hope nobody minds?

OP posts:
MacAndCheese · 26/10/2012 14:29

Exactly HellonHeels

He's attempting to justify his behaviour.

Delete. Ignore. It'll be hard, but you are a truly wonderful person Snape with such a beautiful soul. The notebook itself is evidence of that. I'm not a fan of saying anyone deserves anything but you definitely deserve more than that.

snapespeare · 26/10/2012 14:32

you did an dthank you - but too noisy to talk, so appreciate thoughts here. I am NOT ignoring this. he's getting both barrels.

WhatDoesTheDogSay · 26/10/2012 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChooChooLaverne · 26/10/2012 14:35

Save you? SAVE YOU?

Dear God. I'm lost for words.

ChooChooLaverne · 26/10/2012 14:37

YY, ignore. I don't see any point in replying to that message.

MirandaWest · 26/10/2012 14:38

WTF is he saying? He was terrified? Of a woman giving him a beautiful notebook and making herself feel vulnerable?

He's not your friend. At least not at the moment - not in any way.

MadameOvary · 26/10/2012 14:38

Again,
Sorry...what?
Which bit was hurtful and terrifying? Because it must have been really fucking scary for you to kiss her - twice. On the lips.
The language he is using is disdainful and completely emotionally disconnected.
And "continual emotional self-harm"??? What the actual fuck is that but the worst kind of patronising bullshit??
"I will walk away if that is what will save you"

Actually Snape, YOU walk away. Take away the oxygen of your need, because he's getting completely high off it. Please, cut the fucker off.

He was never your friend. It might have looked like it, but he acted as he did because it suited him to do so. The minute your needs became an issue he runs off.
I'm not pissed off because he rejected you. I'm fucking furious because he, like all the worst kind of narcissist, detached with crocodile tears and faux-sincere declarations of regret and then showed his true colours to devastating effect.

After using you in the worst possible way, exploiting your feelings and feeding his ego, you're now surplus to requirements.

I'm really really glad you texted him now, because all trace of the man you thought he was has gone, and he's done you a massive favour in revealing his true colours.

MadameOvary · 26/10/2012 14:41

Sorry, am so Angry my grammar and syntax is fucked.

HellonHeels · 26/10/2012 14:41

"Actually Snape, YOU walk away. Take away the oxygen of your need, because he's getting completely high off it. Please, cut the fucker off."

I so agree with this. Don't give him anything more, not even your totally justified anger.

OhWesternWind · 26/10/2012 14:44

WTF??? Amazing, in the worst kind of way. So patronising and full of self-justification and unpleasant insinuations.

He sounds horrible, Snape.

OneMoreGo · 26/10/2012 14:46

Agree, agree. Don't reply. DON'T REPLY! The best revenge is living well. Trite but true. And I have been there.

The reason you should not reply is that in order to send you that he must definitively be a classic, massive knob. And nothing you could possibly say will permeate his classic massive knobness, so it is deluded to try. He is a wang. Walk away darling. Retain dignity.

internationalvulva · 26/10/2012 14:48

My god, what a load of self serving crap he spouts. Snape you are FAR to good to continue contact with this idiot in any capacity.

Please dont beat yourself up or feel a fool for being the loving, warm, sincere, gorgeous and HUMAN woman that you are. This is emphatically him, NOT YOU. It's a cliche, but it is SO much better to be the lover who lost than the one that never loves at all. You will come out of this and find someone that sees the value in you and makes you shine, he will be a cold wanker forever.x

EHoneybadger · 26/10/2012 14:53

Oh god. Missed loads of the last thread and start of this one but catching up.

Snape I have to de-lurk. I feel so upset reading what has happened.

If it helps I had quiet alarm bells set off threads back when you said something about PM having casually said something along the lines of he would be with you if it wasn't for your children. Have I got that sort of right?

I had a half worry at the back of my mind then that maybe he wasn't the man you thought he was. You have credited him with depth of character, kindness and decency which is obviously in you but I am not so sure he is nearly such a lovely person as you are.

I thought at the time that you obviously knew him so much better than somebody reading between the lines of an online chat forum but now I really am starting to think you have credited him with way too much when in fact he is coming across as a selfish, shallow, egotistical, conceited, idiot. I think you have projected a lot of what is in you onto him because you want to see it in somebody else. One day I think you will see it in somebody else but it will not be him.

That text is cruel and insulting and all about him and how he is feeling rather than you. You are open, honest, creative, imaginative and loving and all you have done is want to share that part of you with him. If he doesn't feel the same way, fair enough but given how important you have been to each other he absolutely should look after your heart and help you gently disengage however that needs to happen. If you need any confirmation that he is behaving badly ask yourself how you would treat him if the roles were reversed and I know your answer would involve a lot more kindness, tact and care about how you were making him feel. You absolutely would not have coldly defriended him as if you were both 16.

I know men don't always handle these things as well as women but even so he could be a lot kinder than he is being.

I think you have to walk away. Hold your head high and start to get over him. I think you will struggle to think as much of him in future as you have done in the past. I know how painful this is, I have gone through similar as have many of us I think. What you absolutely must not do is let it stop you being you. There is somebody just as fantastic as you waiting out there for you. You will never find him and even if you did you would never "see" him until and unless PM is totally out of your thoughts.

You are a fabulous lovable person. If you doubt that just look at how many complete strangers have come to care very much for you and about what happens to you!!! Including me. Sending lots of good wishes and hugs. xxxxxx

EHoneybadger · 26/10/2012 14:55

Sorry that took ages to type but glad to see we all agree. He is a total nobber and you can do sooooooooooo much better!!!

MadameOvary · 26/10/2012 14:59

Great post HoneyBadger

snapespeare · 26/10/2012 15:07

'It didn?t seem hurtful or terrifying when you told me that your heart was broken, when you asked if there wasn?t a way through it, whether I needed space or time, when you asked me not to leave until we'd finished drinking. Or when you held me and kissed me goodbye. I'm not sure what has happenned since then. I know you're embarrassed, christ knows I am? but it couldn't go on as it was. We were too close. The hand-holding, the falling asleep with your head on my lap, including me in your life - and me including you in mine, although you have told me that we were 'only' friends - your actions and mine led me to think otherwise.

Your response is cruel & insulting, about you and how you are feeling - and admittedly my interactions have been about me and how I felt. That displays a lack of kindness on both our parts. You obviously don?t feel the same way, thanks for very clearly setting me straight on that - but given how important we have been to each other, it would be more useful to gently help me disenegage, rather than coldly un-friend and describe my behaviour as hurtful or terrifying. The hurt goes both ways.

I don't want to throw this away. I did treasure you, although you may wish to address why you now find someone honestly revealing their genuine if misplaced affections towards you 'hurtful' and 'terrifying' and whether you have the power or ability to 'save' me by walking away. By making it explictly clear that you have no feelings towards me at all, I am already 'saved' from my 'emotional self harm' which is an interesting way of looking at love If there was any value in our friendship at all, if you have any concern or affection for me on any level then we need to talk and try and resolve this. If not, you do know I wish you the very best of everything.'

you fuckmuppet.

bantamrooster · 26/10/2012 15:11

Ok from a mans point of view.

What a complete and utter. Fucking. Wanker.

I've stayed out of commenting up until now, as it's always difficult to see the whole picture given one persons perspective on it. But that text has me seething. What an emotionally stunted, selfish, arrogant moron.

lubeybooby · 26/10/2012 15:15

I'm glad you sent the text now too as the true colours have been revealed and you can stamp on any remnants of rose tinted thoughts.

I know it's horrible and brutal as I was saying earlier, but please trust me, cutting off all contact is worth it. Now you have 50000000x the reason and motive to do so as well, after that shockingly cruel heap of SHIT text from someone who is clearly NOT who you thought he was.

I agree with whoever said he has been 'feeding' off your need for him and did the fb thing to get a 'need' reaction. He got it. Don't give him another. Please please don't.

OhWesternWind · 26/10/2012 15:17

Did you send that message, Snape?

lubeybooby · 26/10/2012 15:21

Snape nooo don't send that. Don't accept his crumbs. Don't credit that with any response at all. He only deserves your utter disgust and contempt.

snapespeare · 26/10/2012 15:21

it's a tad overlong for a text :)

I will email him later i think - with some minor changes.

Yogagirl17 · 26/10/2012 15:23

Oh Snape, I can't imagine the total turmoil of emotions you must be experiencing right now. People have said some true & wonderful things on here, the only thing I can add is that the reason he probably found what you did terrifying is because for a moment you asked him to wake up from the little fantasy land he was living in and face something real. As others have already said, he took what he could from you without having to truly give you anything in return. It was lovely and fluffy and fun and comfortable for him. As long as he didn't think too hard about the fact that it was also wrong in so many ways. As long as he didn't have to admit that he was using and hurting you. As long as he didn't have to look too closely at your emotions (which were there for him to see, he just didn't want to). And suddenly you asked him to think about all these things. All you really asked him for was some honesty and he didn't like what he saw - and by that I mean, he didn't want to admit that he has used you and hurt you for his own selfish self-gratification. And now he has done the classic thing of denying he has done anything wrong and turning the blame on you. I so wanted him to be different. He owes you one serious fucking apology for treating you so badly for so long but I don't think you will get it. And I don't think there is any other resolution. I'm so sorry. SadSad

OP posts:
snapespeare · 26/10/2012 15:24

the minor changes being deleteing all the above and responding with 'go fuck yourself'.

Hmm
Yogagirl17 · 26/10/2012 15:26

"the minor changes being deleteing all the above and responding with 'go fuck yourself'"

MUCH BETTER! Smile

OP posts:
MadameOvary · 26/10/2012 15:27

Shall I namechange to "I am PM and I am A Twat"? Then you can legitimately tell PM to go fuck himself.