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Original poster

Hat wars and soup-er dates, let the sausage see the roll... The Online Dating Thread reaches 25!

999 replies

Yogagirl17 · 23/10/2012 16:17

Erm...hope nobody minds?

OP posts:
MadameOvary · 26/10/2012 12:36

Sorry...what?
He encouraged all that physical contact? He encouraged you to put your hands inside his fucking shirt???
What advice would you give to a friend in your position? Because as that friend, I'd say he fucking well used you and took advantage of your feelings. I really don't care what his motivation was, whether he was lonely or what, that is just so out of order.
He knew how you felt about him, perfectly well. I'm sure he loved the ego boost of having you right there whilst simultaneously not having to consider your feelings at all
Don't wait for a text, it'll only be some faux-sincere shit about how it's for the best and he's thinking about your feelings, or worse, the orange songbird's.

I think he's behaved appallingly. Angry

WhatDoesTheDogSay · 26/10/2012 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

snapespeare · 26/10/2012 12:42

thats the spirit MadameO! more of that please! attempts to excuse his behaviour by mentioning aspergers He's acted the cunt hasnt he. we would be a dreadful couple.

more! fighting! talk!

snapespeare · 26/10/2012 12:44

no yours still makes sense Dog (and thank you for de-lurking!) i think it's basically what I'm saying (before madameO riled me all up...)

snapespeare · 26/10/2012 12:46

actually he didnt stop me putting my hands inside his shirt - I'm not sure if that is the same as actively encouraging it. he didn't flinch or turn away.

my head is a bit of a fucking stupid mess today....

ChooChooLaverne · 26/10/2012 12:49

I agree with MadameO. He knew how you felt, it's not fair of him to say "but we spoke about this before" as though it was all done and dusted - he knew how you felt yet acted inappropriately.

I think he liked the closeness/physical contact for whatever reason and has been leading you on and possibly kidding himself that he wasn't doing anything wrong.

If he didn't feel the same as you he shouldn't have done it. If he did feel the same as you but has commitment issues he shouldn't have done it.

I'm not sure how you could be friends at the moment especially not if he is getting involved with someone else - I think it would be just too painful.

I feel fucking angry on your behalf snape.

OhWesternWind · 26/10/2012 12:53

Sorry, Snape, I'm with Madame here. He did know how you felt, you had the conversation previously, and I can't believe that he is so naive as to believe that feelings like that just melt away once a conversation has been had. They don't. He has led you on with a "will-he, won't-he" tease for a very long time, whether subconsciously or not, and that just isn't on. If you think purely along the best friend lines, then you'd be doing the same sort of stuff if it was a female best friend for you, male best friend for him - and that just wouldn't have been happening, would it? Maybe a bit of the sitting close and resting your head on the other's shoulder, but that would be it. No hands in shirts or anything like that. There's been an element of sexual tension here all along, and you've both been aware of it.

Whether or not that changes things, I dunno, but it's definitely been a "best friends plus something" situation and I am Angry for you that he has been taking advantage of you in a way.

Hope you get the answer from him that you need, though. (((hugs)))

MadameOvary · 26/10/2012 12:53

You don't play with people like that. It's so fucking selfish. He just took, took, took all the time. always blubbing on to you about something or other, knowing you'd listen, knowing you'd provide comfort, knowing that all he had to do was bat his eyes and you'd be there for him.
Till you decided to announce the fact that you are a human being with needs and feelings. Oh, what a surprise. He's fucked off.
Yes, you would have been a terrible couple. The balance would have been all wrong, esp if you were willing to write off twattish behaviour as Aspergers coz the poor lamb can't help can he?
Bollocks. The poor lamb has found someone else to suck dry who will happily put her own needs aside in exchange for his undivided neediness attention.

snapespeare · 26/10/2012 13:01

This is helping.

can you see why i thought there might be something there, or have i just been wearing rose-coloured-lust-goggles? and i know this is only my interpretation, but frankly mine is the important one just now

and fucking hell never find this thread PM, because I would die a bit more.

OhWesternWind · 26/10/2012 13:08

Absolutely, Snape, this isn't just normal best friends behaviour. Like I said in my post above, would he have been doing the same things with a male best friend? No, it would have been an "I bloody love you mate" bloke-hug when pissed with a bit of shoulder-slapping as a maximum, none of the stuff that's been going on with you.

Do you think it was a bit one-way? Did he listen to you and support you as much as you did to him? Because that's really important, whether in friendships or relationships, and it seems like on occasion he treated you quite casually with some disrespect eg his arrangements about his birthday weekend.

But, he was getting what he wanted out of your relationship, and you weren't. That's the deal-breaker and you are so brave to call time on it now you know it won't be what you need. Don't back-track now, you'll just end up going through it all again a few months down the line.

MadameOvary · 26/10/2012 13:12

Of course I can see why you thought there might be something there, because all that intimacy led you to assume there was!
I had a male friend when I was twenty. We were both single, and used to sleep together, however when it came to Doing The Deed, we both went "Nah" It remained sort of platonic, no snogging even, and completely equal. When he got a "proper" girlfriend I was gutted, but I got over it. We're still friends, and don't have that physical side to the relationship.
Why? Because we both had clear boundaries. He didn't cuddle up to me outside of bed/sleeping, there were no hands wandering inside shirts. He didn't take advantage of the fact I liked him, and I didn't take advantage of him sleeping with me.
It was just mutual that way.
Yours however was completely one-sided. He wasn't emotionally invested the way you were. Man, he must have a giant ego possibly to compensate for a tiny penis to have continued using you like that, for his own gratification. Angry

snapespeare · 26/10/2012 13:15

it was and it wasnt one way - he's been a rock about the work-stuff, really supportive with problems with DS1. We didnt see each other for a week when he was away for work and on his return it was 'let's go and stay with my friend for the weekend, lets go out for halloween! come to see Skyfall with me! come to my exes gfs party!' I cannot believe that he views me with such an absence of affection as to not even want to talk this through - because even if I can't be his bff right now (I am swithering) and things can't and shouldnt go ack to where they were (unfair on us both) I want to clear the air a bit.

ChooChooLaverne · 26/10/2012 13:16

I can see why you thought there was something more - he positively encouraged it.

WhatDoesTheDogSay · 26/10/2012 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

snapespeare · 26/10/2012 13:22

a quick chorus of 'what is wrong with him, it's not you, it's him' would be beneficial just now.

I've been a bit of an idiot - just not as big an idiot as him

internationalvulva · 26/10/2012 13:28

Now you see Snape, his removal of you from FB is a deliberate ploy...he does it in the full and certain knowledge that it will really get to you amd reel you back in to be his -ego- -massage- best buddy.

Step away, just don't do it to yourself, and I'm going tobe harsh now, because I think you need to hear this. If he wanted to be with you, he would have taken any one of th chances you have given him over time, but he didn't. He LIKED the fact that you were into him. It made him feel good to know that whatever else happened in his romantic life good ole Snape was about to lightly flirt and toy with and make his poor ego better if it got battered.

He's just not that into you Snape. I'm really, truly sorry that he isn't and he strikes me as an almighty fool, but you need to see that, and stop laying on the floor for him to tread on. You are fabulous, but even fabulous doesn't look good covered in shit. Xx

snapespeare · 26/10/2012 13:43

Thank you. I needed to hear that.

MacAndCheese · 26/10/2012 13:48

What is wrong with him?

Shock

Definitely nothing wrong with you Snape it's all him being a total boil on the backside of humanity

Wine Thanks and non sarcastic Biscuit

snapespeare · 26/10/2012 13:56

he's a coward. all that shit about his heart breaking and can't we work through it and I'm exceptional and blah. all I have done is grow tired of the act, declared what I actually feel and now ask if we can talk to find a way through it. I can see how he would be terrified (good god, it's me!) but to have no affection, no concern and no interest in how I am feeling (wretched!) and no interest in trying to take things forwards. I have always been there and he is acting like a scared, selfish little boy. You're absolutely right - although his previous actions have led me to believe otherwise, he just isnt that into me. I feel used and I feel stupid because I feel I've been taken advantage of. I'm an utter, miserable idiot.. I've let him into my heart, he's been included in my family, I'm like some sort of after-thought.

I feel utterly wretched.

MadameOvary · 26/10/2012 14:04

You're not an idiot, but you know that. Acceptance and being able to "see" the situation as it really is, will be painful, because you have to let go of your dream and the illusion of intimacy that he callously served up.

You are too good for him. I have thought so for some time now.

MsCellophane · 26/10/2012 14:04

Snape, he has done the lazy man thing - you and he have had all the relationship thing under the guise of friendship. He hasn't had to work at a proper relationship, you have given him all the things we say we miss, companionship, hugging, talking everything bar the sex

Does he have longterm relationship history? He sounds to me, (and I am possibly totally wrong) to be emotionally stunted

I would advise you to really think long and hard about how you go forward now. Is he likely to remain single forever? Could you have a friendship where you could cope with his dating and coming back to tell you his relationship woes?

He obviously loves you as a friend but if he was in love, you wouldn't be feeling wretched today, you'd be together. It's so painful but I think you need to step away, maybe not forever but definitely for now.

You have us and this thread to get you through

snapespeare · 26/10/2012 14:18

text. 'I found your behaviour on Tuesday hurtful, and quite frankly terrifying. I've been as clear as I possibly can from the beginning I see you as a friend. If you believe you can be that then it's worth talking to resolve. But I will not be complicit in some kind of continuing emotional self harm. you're my friend and I will walk away if that is what will save you.'

thoughts? i certainly have some.

MadameOvary · 26/10/2012 14:22

Can I call you, Snape?

HellonHeels · 26/10/2012 14:24

Dear God! Just delurking to say I'm here supporting you Snape. He wasn't so hurt and terrified on Tuesday that he didn't kiss you when you left, was he?

He's not a friend.

I'm so sorry Sad Angry

MacAndCheese · 26/10/2012 14:26

He found it hurtful and terrifying?

You were the one who put yourself out there and got hurt.

What a tosspot. (Him obviously, not you)

Angry