Hat wars and soup-er dates, let the sausage see the roll... The Online Dating Thread reaches 25!

[Yogagirl17]

Erm...hope nobody minds?

Thank you msC I was just feeling still feeling a bit fragile and it kind of waved at me and I couldn't let it go. :)

yoga

i'll be amazing

but not yet.

Hi burrito - I'm not sure if I'm qualified to say what things to do and things to avoid in a mans profile. I don't tend to look to see what other men write ( I have thought about it though) - I can only say what puts me off a womans profile and equally what is attractive about it. And I can only speak from my perspective, so some of it might need to be taken with a pinch of salt. Having said that I'll put up a few things that may help some of the women on here write more interesting profiles. Unless that's horribly condescending :)

no it's not horribly condescending:)
I'd be interested to know what you think on the subject of womens profiles.
(Although I find most profiles, male & female, cringingly cheesy..I really need to see a few face pictures and a full body pic or I'm not interested)

Bantam, you are going to get battered

Okay these are in no particular order, some of you may completely ignore all of it, or have been successful even while doing half the things I say not to do. All I can put is a list of what makes a profile stick in the mind, or go in one eye and out the other - because there are hundreds on there. And if I'm going to take the time to read someones profile, put together an email that's witty and appropriate for, and not just a copy/paste or a wink, then it's got to grab my attention or at least not put me off and make me move on to the next one.

So -

1. Write something.
   If I see a profile of an attractive woman where she says nothing about herself, I immediately think 'Russian prostitute' or 'Not really bothered' - if you want a funny witty opening email rather than "hey, 'sup? You look hot" then give us something to ask questions about.

2. Try and open with a witty line.
   Don't say 'Stay at home mum', 'devoted mother to three darling children' or something else like that as your opening line. It gives the impression you're looking for a father for them even when that's not true (or at least that line gives me that impression)

3. Everyone likes traveling.
   Listing the 30 or so countries you've been to just gets repetitive, especially when so many people are doing it. Putting it as one of your favourite things is fine, but copy and pasting the index to collins world atlas just causes me to move on to the next profile.

4. Don't give unintended messages.
   Saying 'not ready for a long term relationship, just looking for friends, maybe more' - reads as 'looking for friends with benefits' And you'll get emails from guys just looking for that.

5. about 80% of the profiles I've read on Match mention 'love to go out and socialise and equally happy curling up with a DVD and bottle of wine'. Usually word for word. It gets old quickly and no matter how sparkly and witty the rest of the profile is, I'll be a bit less impressed when I see that line, unless it's obviously ironic.

6. Be selective. But don't appear picky.
   If I see a profile where the list of desired attributes in a man is longer than my arm, I'm going to think 'high maintenance', or 'impossible to please'. I get that height may be a showstopper, or marital status, or whether he smokes or not. But if you list that you're looking for someone 5'10 to 6'2, with short brown hair, blue eyes, slender, between 30-35, managerial job, earning between 50-70K, exercises 4 times a week, likes rock climbing, zumba, cycling, opera, reading, must like cats, wants 1-2 children, must be very romantic, not romantic or romantic. If I see all of that (and I've seen much longer lists) I kind of get the impression you're looking for someone very very specific. Possibly an ex.

Even if I fulfill all of those criteria, I'm going to be less likely to contact someone because they seem too picky. Have a short list of things that are 'must-haves' (age, smoking, height etc) and do the screening out later on, otherwise you may put off someone who actually fulfills all your criteria just by appearing too demanding.

Right, hope that hasn't wound anyone up. If any of you want to come back with hints and tips for men that would be great.

I take your point about desired attributes. I think mine look a bit high maintenance and a few people have commented as such. But that said I can see who is viewing my profile and I don't seem to be scaring off the ones I'd like - I'm just not luring them in in the first place. Damn profile picture.

Bantam that all seems reasonable to me and I think the general principles underlying your points also apply to mens profiles.

I'm sometimes tempted to offer a (tactful) opinion about a persons profile, but then I think, nah, I wanna see his true colours, the unedited person, that way it's easier to weed out the pond life.

does that makes me sound cold cynical and manipulative?
you betcha

I like to keep my profile short, usually it reads something like 'good time girl, looking for fun' and is accompanied by (tasteful) underwear pictures
nothing wrong with that surely??

if that's what floats your boat mercury

I have no problem with anything bantam has written, indeed my hugely successful 'honey-trap' profile just about followed those rules - I had around 140 messages in a month or so. (certainly not reopening it to check!)

I would mention photos - I had one fuzzy very cropped photo at first as the thumbnail and then added a few more as time went on. People are visual, men possibly more so. They like to see whats on the book-cover and people judge books by their covers. Daft, but there you go. We all do it. I would say for women, your tits are undoubtedly your best asset, but don't post lots of cleavage. You'll look like a bit of a tart and you'll get messages based on that (although you can be completely covered up, and still get unsolicited cock-photos, go figure.) For guys, my personal bugbears used to be photos of you and your penis-substitute sports car. I don't care what car you drive or if you do drive at all (controversial in rural areas here!) and if you admit to having children, I tend to think you should be spending your money on them rather than a cock-car. I personally also hate pictures of scuba-diving. you look daft. Either sex with a glass of wine held jauntily aloft or a pint do not make you appear 'fun-loving' and please do not describe yourself as such - they make you look like there might be a dependency issue. If the very best photo of you ever is with your ex you cannot get away with cropping-them-out. We know they're there. No pictures of you with babies or children. Ever. Dogs are acceptable but not in every pic.

Grammar. Lots of it please. I've always admired a man who knows the appropriate use of a semi colon; No text-speak.

Never, ever mention your ex-relationships unless you are now BFFs and then only fleetingly. I've seen so many demanding bloke-profiles filled with hate and vitriol towards a significant ex. It's OK to say 'I've spent a little time on self reflexion following the end of a long-term-relationship - looking to start dating again with the right woman! Still friendly with my Ex' it's a bit of a red flag to say 'I've finished with my bitch-ex and what a relief, looking to date to get over the gold-digging cunt'

Lists. I hate lists. We use things we like as general indicators as to whether we are going to at least get on, but pages and pages of alphabeticised influences make you look like a dull-muso. five is a maximum. My musical list said 'what you like, only better ;-) '

Agree with the selectivity. My profile said 'I don?t date married men or men in long term relationships' I don?t. Height is important to me, so I mentioned that. I didn?t mention my DCs up front in my profile at all. If I liked the look of someone, I mentioned it in the first message back. never really put anyone off. I didn?t mention tattoos either - again if would be mentioned within the first message. I shaved two years off of my age but then I am fairly well preserved (physically if not emotionally at present?) and admitted to that on the first date with the prof.

MadameO* I'm not sure if I'd say their profiles were especially appealing. But they seem normal(ish) and decent(ish). I'm not sure if any are really enough of an intellectual challenge for me, but they don't seem to be interested in me solely for my looks which is a start. And no questions about my bra size or anything else remotely dodgy. So I will meet them all and not fancy any of them in the slightest

Snape you ARE amazing already. One day soon you will feel like you are too. I've sent you a msg on FB :)

re profiles, I don't think ultimately it matters much. The men on the thread may disagree, but first off what matters is your picture. Generally speaking something in which you look happy/smiley is good - men like a woman who looks cheerful. As to the content of your profile, I broadly agree with what bantam says - don't be too specific in criteria, don't say too much that is negative, and put something lighthearted that you can be asked more about. you don't need to lie but be a bit creative - I spend most of my evenings sofa-surfing in front of the TV, but I wouldn't put that on a profile, I'd just talk about things I like to do when I'm NOT being a couch potato!

snape - that comment about shaving 2 years off your age. Personally this is where I may be a bit naive. I haven't lied on my profile - okay I say I smoke 'occasionally' rather than 'socially', and I've said 5'10 rather than 5' 9 and 3/4, but everything else is just true. I don't see the point in being dishonest, same as I don't see the point in making stuff up on my CV - I'll get caught out at some point and be on the back foot ('if he lied about that, what else is he lying about...?')

So I've been wondering whether to say I'm two years younger than I really am, as some women are put off by my rapidly approaching 40th.

And on the 'tits being best asset' - yes for some men. For me it's actually the cheeky grin. If I see too much cleavage I lose interest. That's just me though.

I lie about my age too - but only a year (am 40 but advertised as 39...mainly because lots of men seem to have 39 as their 'cut-off'). Plus I only look early 30's in my dreams

Re men's profile photos I agree with Snape re cars, and the scuba diving - that seems to be the latest in thing, some attempt to show they are not boring middle aged men! I would add to the list - photos with fish, photos with other people's children when you don't have any of your own (looks desperate) photos of you on your wedding day with wife cropped out, photos of you in a group of better looking blokes, and anything without your shirt on, or lying on/in bed....

The profile was a honey-trap profile as PM was on that particular site at the time, so I didnt want to be 'me' if you see what i mean. I'm normally very honest (previous profiles, bang on - this one I mentioned it in person to the one date I got from that specific profile... ) but tend to think everyone lies about age, height, bodily type etc - when i met the prof he admitted to being 43 - we'd both shaved off two years. We found this terribly amusing.

Oh dear, two of my pictures break the rules and I have no cleavage to flaunt...

bantam - but the men online are so ageist! I'm yet to venture into OD but have been perusing the very odd profile to see what's out there. I'm 43 and the majority of men my age want younger - usually much younger - women. If I look at the men who would include me in their desired age range, they mostly look like my dad. I'm just not that old!

And why do so many men include photos that look like mug shots? Why would anyone contact them?

snape I think you should set up a business selling art. I think they would make amazing wedding presents. And you could customise them to include people's own quotes - as long as you approve of the quotes they wanted of course - no cheesy schmaltz! And you could teach. I for one would love to know how you actually made that beautiful notebook.

spoilers!

Oh, sooo many photos of cats. And dogs. And the Taj Mahal. I already know what a cat looks like, you said you had them in your profile, do I need to know what it looks like? It's a cat.

Unless you're actually in the photo, balancing on the top of the great pyramid of Giza, white water rafting down Niagara falls or having the puppy lick your ear, why is the photo on there? It's the equivalent of the picture of a car.

choochoo I agree re age - my own criteria are anyone from early 30s to late 40s. However I find almost men in their 30s are ONLY looking for women under 35, and those in their early 40s still have a cut off around 38/39. and as you say all the ones looking for 40 or over usually look closer to 60 than their advertised age...

Hence why I say I'm 39.

I wouldn't be particularly bothered if a man lied about his age. I'm more bothered if they lie/are deceptive about physical appearance - either using photos that are donkeys years old, or head only shots, or deliberately not showing a smiling photo cos they've got no teeth etc etc.

do not remind me of 'no teeth'

Thanks for all of your posts!

It certainly is a lot to consider for when I'm ready to dip my toe into the OD world again, and after some thought I do agree that a lot of it can seem like recycled old trash when mentioning things like "enjoying travelling" and so on.

It's not just you Bantam, I also agree about the smile/grin picture.

With regards to the cutting years of your age. I can see the appeal for it, because it's just our mentality that 29, 39, 49 etc does appear more younger and attractive than the rounded-up 30, 40, 50.
Good on you Hatesponge, I wouldn't blame you for lowering you age if men are going to be so restrictive with what they "think" they want.

Personally to me, age is just a number, I know it's a cliché but I believe it. I'm just over my mid 20's so I think the bracket that I'd look for would be between 23-33.

these men may be looking for younger women, but are the younger women really gonna want some out of shape bloke in his 40's....?

My flabby, baldy 40 year old hubby pulled a 30 year old at work .. but then I haven't seen what she looks like!

Hah - I saw a profile yesterday that looked like it'd been hacked into. A fairly normal smiling picture and what looked like a normal profile but the summary words at the top (so the first words you read) said 'I smell really bad and have halitosis'. I think he must have messed with someone with computer skills!