Hollow laugh from the OW

[Dandythelion]

I was the OW. As well as sweeping me off my naive feet into a 50 shades type sexual thrall, he convinced me that the marriage was dead, he'd hated her for years, he only stayed because he felt sorry she was going bald (!), they only had pity sex, she was horribly unstable and always threatening suicide, was a total hypochondriac, terrible mother, educationally bereft, emotionally subnormal and socially inept.

He made me feel absolutely beautiful and special and I couldn't do without it, nobody can make you feel better than an emotionally abusive man, it's almost an art form. They get inside your head and worm out your deepest dreams and promise to make them all come true. Then he makes them almost come true, but just dangles perfection out of reach.

You'll go mad trying to get there and you won't have the sense you were born with, the madness takes you over and morality won't enter it because you want to believe the fantasy more than you will listen to friends, family, conscience.

For all the wives who've been left by this type, sleep a little better knowing that less than two years on, the beautiful clever perfect wam they left you for discovers he's pulling the same stunt on new woman, and suddenly it's easy to see why the mental health issues arose.

Don't waste time begging him to come back, he has a cock where a heart should be and doesn't say a word that hasn't been carefully chosen to get exactly what he wants.

Thought it might give a wry smile tp those who have been there.

I don't believe in "The One" romantic fantasy and think that people who do are especially vulnerable to having affairs, because they convince themselves every time that the existing partner wasn't really their "one" and the new person must be. Until they get too old and can't be arsed with it all, or the opportunities to meet new "ones" dry up. There were thousands of women who could have been his 'one', just as his current wife would have been just as happy with someone else. If they really do believe all this nonsense, their marriage is at risk but as a friend you might never know whether it has already been risked or will be threatened in the future, because they might never tell you about it.

I dunno - I've recently dipped my toe into online dating & it's been a bit of an eye opener to say the least.

Here's what I've come to see as the "script"

1. Male toss pot selects vulnerable female victim.

1. LOTS of flattery ensues. He is kind loving and presents himself as utterly and wholly single. They do the nasty. A few months pass.

1. Innocent woman is reeled in emotionally, she falls in love and mentally starts committing to him. A few more months pass.

1. Now he knows he's "got" her hooked , he mentions a tiny detail previously overlooked in steps 1-3. He's MARRIED! She's in so deep she's confused about how to get out - if she tries step 5 is rapidly employed.

1. The "my wife doesn't understand me" BS commences. I won't insult posters intelligence by listing what happens in this phase

Now cos I've been the poor cow left high and dry at 7 months pregnant while the man I thought I'd grow old with swanned off with OW, my BS radar is a lot higher than it would other wise have been. I find myself in stitches and highly amused nowadays at the antics of these worms.

For this reason I'll bitch and cuss a woman out if she KNOWS he is married or in a serious relationship. All too often though the OW is as clueless as the wife at the start of an affair, and once a few months in the emotional manipulation and mind games will keep them there, given that they were selected by the man for their vulnerability in the first place.

Knowing the dog has fleas is an art in and of itself. Just saying.

There are a few women around who wouldn't know what the term "personal morals" meant if it bit them on the arse and who get a kick outta nicking other women's fellas. The vast majority of OW are selected by straying man because they are slightly vulnerable, well meaning daft bints.

Mind you Boc some men are spectacularly good at compartmentalising and lying. Honestly on the surface it seemed my ex was a lovely man-but I look back now and realise I did not really know him at all for the full 16yrs...now that is a head fuck! And yeah Bogey this shit about you should/shouldnt be angry have humanity...fuck it! I am free to feel whatever I want as long as the kids are ok and I dont loose the plot feeling it! I thought Posie's comment was sooo twisted! She must have read my comments and what I had been through and yet I was supposed to have humanity for someone who tried to screw over another woman for her own deluded selfish reasons! C'mon people!

We don't know what the 'vast majority' of any group of people are like.

I also deeply resent women being depicted in such one-dimensional terms - daft, vulnerable, victim-like and with absolutely no nouse or even basic curiosity about the people they meet or their personal histories. Most women I've met are not stupid.

All I can say garlic is that I am very very glad your friend is now happy, if she ever needed it, then that for sure is the best revenge!

Charbon I am sorry to say that all the OWs I have met, apart from 1 that dropped the bloke like a hot potato when she realised he was married, have been self absorbed and very able to lie, lie lie to themselves-'I cant help it it was loooove'. They know the score deep down they don't want to hear it!

I reckon I'll get happy again someday and have more self knowledge and be a fuller and better person than my ex and his 'bit'! I was so angry earlier on, I went for a work out and now feel OK, see that's all good! Lol!

ike1
I am sorry to say that all the OWs I have met,

giveaway phrase that anecdotal nonsense follows

apart from 1... have been self absorbed and very able to lie, lie lie to themselves

which means, of course, absolutely nothing in terms of what OW in affairs have been like.

Was the man married, or in a relationship?
Does the type of relationship matter - is it different if they aren't living together?
Is the OW married as well (yes, some are, shock horror)?
What about married women who go with OM?

People are all different.
Some are nice.
Some just think they are.
Some are bitter.
Some are accepting.

Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes.
[Because then you'll be a mile away from them, and have their shoes, too]

I agree, with Most women I've met are not stupid

So why on earth should I be expected to feel sorry for someone and believe that they are just as much a victim as I am? If they are not stupid, if they know he is married, if they know he is a cheat and a liar then they get what they deserve both from the man, the attitude of the world in general and the wife concerned.

It comes down to what I and alot of other PP have said. The OW has a choice. She may not get that until much later when she is already emotionally involved, but she still gets the choice. Saying "Oh but I had fallen in love with him by then, I couldnt just walk away" is twat-speak for "I wanted him and by then I didnt care what it would do to anyone else"

The OW always has a choice and I am afraid if you make a selfish choice, knowing it could destroy another human beings life then you dont deserve my humanity.

I judge as I find OneMoreChap thanks. You are obvs another person quick to tell me how I should feel. Actually all were single women and all were going out with married men fully knowing what they were doing apart from the one I spoke of. Oh and if you had read my words properly you would have noted the key comment 'that I have met'. You really are a great apologist for those that cheat...I wonder why?????

If they really do believe all this nonsense, their marriage is at risk but as a friend you might never know whether it has already been risked or will be threatened in the future, because they might never tell you about it.

YY, I've sometimes thought that! They are much better matched than the first marriage, though. I was lazy to say "the One"; it does sound all daft and fateful! Neither of them is a sucker for 'romance' as far as I know. His own words were more along the lines that he didn't know he wasn't in love until he fell in love.

Anyway, they're still quite gruesomely fond of each other, 12 years and some very hard times along the way. And they don't bicker! So I can't say they shouldn't have done it. It'd be nice to be all cut-and-dried about affairs, but I can't. I think one's best protection is a pin-sharp crap detector, and unfortunately those are usually earned through suffering.

I judge people as I find them, and if they think its acceptable to sleep with another woman's partner then they are not someone I will like. I have strong morals, and I'm not going to feel sorry for someone who seems to have left theirs behind when a man showed them affection.

Yep garlic which is why through tough times I reckon I am gonna be a pretty shrewd cookie!

I look at my H & see a selfish, lying, deceitful git. The fact that his affair was so out of character to the loving, loyal, kind man I know still floors more to this day.

His behaviour followed the script so much that it actually makes me laugh.

As for the OW, she had been in the country for just 5 weeks before she was rolling round in hotel rooms with my H, whilst she still had a boyfriend. My baby was just 3 months old.

She then was prepared to sit around & see if he chose her as me & my H went into counselling (I didn't know about the affair at this point).

My H was being an outrageous cake-eater, and her self-respect must have been terrible.

My marriage probably won't survive, my H's a shell of the man he was (such a shame!!!) & the OW was hurt in the process too. But, she made the choice to fuck my H, so she deserves everything she gets. My H deserves the loss of his marriage, being a part-time dad & the fact that every time he looks in the mirror, he sees a man who crushed his best friend & wife. A man whose father is dying & will go to his grave fundamentally disappointed with his sons behaviour.

Do I pity her? Understand her? No - because she knew what she was doing & chose to not give a fuck. I would never share a man & I certainly would never get involved with a married man who has 2 young children. I wouldn't trust a word he said to me. I have had a MM make it obvious that he was interested in me too & it's a line I would never cross.

If she had a shred of decency, she would have told him to sling his hook - sort out his marriage, or come back to her when he'd left me.

Incidentally, she obviously wasn't so bloody great as she got dumped when I found out. I don't feel like I won though. What have I got left? A life that has changed beyond all recognition, a marriage in shreds & the legacy that I may find it incredibly difficult to ever trust another man again. My H was a decent man - or so I thought - he did an awful thing, made a colossal mistake - yet I feel like I'm paying the price.

ike1
I judge as I find OneMoreChap thanks.

You're welcome. I tend to assume that not everything is as I have experienced, and things may differ.

In my case, I doubt that 50% of all wives are guilty of DV to their husbands [1st wife was, DW isn't]

Still, we're all different.

You are obvs another person quick to tell me how I should feel.

Actually... no. I pointed out that anecdotes aren't evidence.

Actually all were single women and all were going out with married men fully knowing what they were doing apart from the one I spoke of. Oh and if you had read my words properly you would have noted the key comment 'that I have met'.

Since I quoted it, it's perhaps jejune to say I would have noted it. I suggested it lacked significance.

You really are a great apologist for those that cheat...I wonder why?????

Hardly an apologist. I had an affair. I shouldn't have done.
I should have left XW, and my children and tried to build a second life.
XW would still have been left, and my kids would still have had to get used to M&D living in different places.

If I was still married I would rather my H remain faithful to me because he wanted to, rather than place responsibility on all the potential OW out there to deny him the opportunity.

If I was still married I would rather my H remain faithful to me because he wanted to, rather than place responsibility on all the potential OW out there to deny him the opportunity.

You said it all in under two lines, Dahlen.

His own words were more along the lines that he didn't know he wasn't in love until he fell in love.

Blimey. I've been with my partner for over 30 years and there have been numerous times when we weren't 'in love' especially at times of stress such as lots of young children, financial difficulties and the pressures of twin demanding careers when at their peaks. It's a good job neither of us thought someone else was an answer to our prayers or that it's realistic to be 'in love' all of the time no matter what. The only things we've had expectations of to be constants are trust and respect.

ike1

Thanks for that. Actually my father has just had an affair and left his marriage of 41 years, my mother is suicidal. So pardon me for having experience in this. I don't blame the 'local' that seduced him, he's sixty and a Westerner.... she's poor and my age. I don't blame her for enticing him into bed, I don't blame her for offering things he's not getting from his marriage, in fact I don't blame her at all. I blame him and him alone. He made commitments to my mother, he said the marriage vows, he cheated on my mother.

I really don't understand, except psychologically it's easier, why women blame the OW at all.

You only have to look at dating sites, according to my single friends, to see countless married men looking for affairs.

Anyone who reads mumsnet can see the distress and fallout that results from affairs but there is little out there in the media to demonstrate this.

The upshot is that many people who have affairs think theirs is a special relatioship (though we know here they often follow a script) and that those many people don't read mumsnet so have little comprehension of the fallout they may cause.

Is it that men are not as caring or don't feel as responsible for their DCs as their wives (generalising) or that it doesn't occur to them that the fallout from their new relationship will have long term effects on their children's lives? Women have affairs but I believe men are the majority.

In Sally Glass's book she states that the marriage can be fine, but there might still be one partner who embarks on an affair. But why would that affair be continued until the first marriage has broken up rather than stopped because the DCs will suffer so much.

Men control much of the media and I think that the truth of the fallout of affairs is not demonstrated, in fact the heroes in action movies usually have a loving DW and DCs (the one with the really loving/pregnant wife or cute toddler is usualy the one who is bumped off by the endof the movie). Cheating husbands don't come up much imo and if they do the fallout isn't demonstrated (mind you I don't watch soaps).

My point is that if more of this was in the media so people couldn't be in denial it would be harder for cheaters to justify their cheating.

I'm not sure how you can conclude that more men have affairs than women? you must think that there are some very promiscuous women out there sharing around those rascally husbands...

Posie - your post was blaming me though- 'I should have more humanity'. I dont give a shit whether or not you just blame your father that's your business. I am free to blame the other women who knowingly involve themselves with married men. That is my right and feels good to me. If I feel better for voicing my opinion on this thread and using the silly moo who posted then I shall do so, after all she couldn't have cared less about the spouse at the beginning of her torrid little fling.