Hollow laugh from the OW

[Dandythelion]

I was the OW. As well as sweeping me off my naive feet into a 50 shades type sexual thrall, he convinced me that the marriage was dead, he'd hated her for years, he only stayed because he felt sorry she was going bald (!), they only had pity sex, she was horribly unstable and always threatening suicide, was a total hypochondriac, terrible mother, educationally bereft, emotionally subnormal and socially inept.

He made me feel absolutely beautiful and special and I couldn't do without it, nobody can make you feel better than an emotionally abusive man, it's almost an art form. They get inside your head and worm out your deepest dreams and promise to make them all come true. Then he makes them almost come true, but just dangles perfection out of reach.

You'll go mad trying to get there and you won't have the sense you were born with, the madness takes you over and morality won't enter it because you want to believe the fantasy more than you will listen to friends, family, conscience.

For all the wives who've been left by this type, sleep a little better knowing that less than two years on, the beautiful clever perfect wam they left you for discovers he's pulling the same stunt on new woman, and suddenly it's easy to see why the mental health issues arose.

Don't waste time begging him to come back, he has a cock where a heart should be and doesn't say a word that hasn't been carefully chosen to get exactly what he wants.

Thought it might give a wry smile tp those who have been there.

Oh and the ex???A seemingly lovely man on the surface-but he ias fully able to carry out acts of extreme deceit. He is also emotionally lazy and weak. He admitted that she was his 'bit of comfort' during the dark days of divorce.

Bloody hell I am enjoying letting out the vitriol lol!!!!! So thanks OP for that alone....

As someone who was left 4 weeks ago for the OW - along with a young babŷ, a 2 yr old and a 6 yr old I think the cheating husband and the OW are both equally awful.

They were both out together on our baby's due date, they were both shagging while our children were waiting 5 and a half hours to see their father.

Cheating husbands and the OW both cause an immense amount of pain and trauma - not only to the wife but to the children.

I think more than what they've done to me, I hate what they have done to the children. My eldest cries a lot because daddy isn't here anymore and my 2yr searches the house for him the morning after each time he visits and I'm the one left to explain that daddy lives with his special friend now.

They've done nothing to deserve the pain they are going through.

...They have a super life tho-just got back from New York-she rents out her house and all teir money is pooled together. However as soon as she moved in my maintenance was cut to the minimum. Oh and I had to fight through the courts to get it back. Poor old ex had his darling OW on hand at the courts to hold his hand. I toughed it out alone (hard emoticon). Nah - these bitches are utter twats.

I had friends in a similar position.
Instead of leaving their respective spouses and then admitting their feelings for each other and taking the next step, they cheated and did so actually at one of the marital homes!
My thinking about this sort of scenario is this:
It's got to be the excitement/thrill of adultery.
Why else would they have done it?
No kids involved, no messy family situation...
Very sad and pathetic.
They are now married and have a dd together and the wife suffers from depression and nerve problems which I think stem from a deeply held fear he will do the same her.
:(

....which of course he may well do...

People looking for affairs clearly are not happy in their marriage.... should we think all wives that are cheated on must be dim? You know for not knowing they were marrying a cheat?

No.

Whilst I wouldn't EVER want someone else's husband, as I like to be the one and only, I do accept that the only person with a commitment to me is my husband. It may suit me, should he cheat, to believe that the OW is some magical manipulative crazed bitch who my husband couldn't resist, but that would be to make myself feel better. If I can fall in love with my husband, why can't someone else. What if he tells someone I'm EA, controlling, violent, etc and I threaten to keep him from his kids if he leaves? Why shouldn't the OW believe him? Why should she care about me and my dcs?

I think the OP has got a bit of an unfair bashing on this thread. I didn't read it as angling for sympathy. I read it more as "it might make you feel better to know that the OW got what she deserved".

Isn't one of the more painful parts of being betrayed by your spouse the fear that actually they might be happier with the OW than they ever were with you? That perhaps it was you who was the problem not being good enough in some way (we all know that's BS, but it's a thought process many of us go through when rejected). I interpreted the purpose of the OP as wanting to show that it isn't any fault of the betrayed because ultimately the OW gets treated in the same way. Although we all know that in principle anyway, it can be comforting to hear it in practice.

And absolutely what GobblersKnob and PosieParker said, and also OneMoreChap. People are not always either black or white. Good people can do shitty things. Doesn't mean they should be universally condemned for the rest of their lives.

The kids like her tho - and that to be honest is bitter sweet cos I am not going to screw them up because of some twat. They know I dont like her but I always say as long as she is nice to them they are free to feel whatever they want.....

Course they are not black and white Dahlen I am fully aware of that! But their actions are extremely selfish and as such yes they deserve the anger directed at them fully!

It's not patronising, the OP clearly feels terrible and is attempting to do some good about the dreadful thing she was involved with.

Jesus, have some humanity.

....and no they dont always get treated in the same way.... I can assure you the OW with my ex will be treated well for many complex reasons along the lines of
he needs her financially now
he needs help with the kids
she is much younger than him appeals to his vanity
she likes dogs!
he probably sees her as some fabulous saviour who accepts his kids
She has lots of family who help with the kids - we didnt.
She probably fucks like a barn door - I had gynaecological problems

Thats shat on btw- Ill have humanity for people who deserve it!!!Thanks

People looking for affairs clearly are not happy in their marriage

Not everyone who has an affair 'goes looking for it' and not every affair is a result of an unhappy relationship.

Why shouldn't the OW believe him?

Because it isn't sensible to unquestionably believe someone who you know tells lies to the people who trust him most, I imagine. Isn't that obvious?

You know what, I am glad she feels terrible she deserves it! And yes I am angry and bitter - because guess what I have reason to be - I have fought long and hard over the last 3 years to insure that I and the kids have a roof over our heads because of idiots like the OP. So Posie dont tell me to have humanity you walk in my shoes and you will understand how incredibly hard it is to survive having this kind of shit dumped on your head out of the blue!!!! The kids particularly are fine and that is down to me and I can tell you Mrs Humanity that is where I get my source of strength and joy and knowledge that I am truely a great person. Not through empathising with idiots

...oh and another thing i KNOW i wouldnt do the same ...in my darkest hour I had a friends' husband come on to me I rejected him with horror and disgust. So Posie- I feel morally superior to all OWs and MAN does that feel fucking good!!!

I am getting a bit pissed off with all the "you should feel this or that for the OW" "you shouldnt blame/feel/do this"

You know what? I was fucked over, royally fucked over by my husband and her. I reserve the right to do/feel/blame whatever or whoever I like! I reserve the right to hope that the fucking bitch burns in hell when she chose to have an affair with a man she knew to be married to his pregnant wife. Thats nothing however, to what I hope happens to him.

Dont presume to tell me, or any other wronged wife, what we should or shouldnt do.

Dahlen - Good people can do shitty things. Doesn't mean they should be universally condemned for the rest of their lives.

I agree with this completely. BUT this is Rships on MN, a forum with allot of posters who have been the victims of adulterous spouses. The OP herself said she expected a flaming. Posters have a right to flame. Posters have a right to defend the OP too. But no one has the right to say someone shouldn't be angry with/at someone else. Especially here.

As usual said earlier i wouldn't believe a man who slagged off his wife.

... and kept slagging her off instead of making constructive changes or walking away.

If you're involved enough with a bloke to be anywhere near being described as having a 'relationship' with him, then you've have enough conversations with him by then to have had the time to at least say the simple phrase - 'you're clearly unhappy with your wife, you should leave her', and then see if he does that decent thing. Long before your knickers come off.

No bloody excuses from either party cut it with me.

I dunno as I think a lot of women (myself included) find it VERY hard to admit ourselves that our kids are suffering because actually we weren't half as smart as we thought we were when selecting whom should be their father!

I spent years looking in the mirror before I could finally accept that the key reason my son is growing up without a Dad is because I failed to select a trustworthy, honest father for him. The OW is only repeating the fundamental error the wife did in falling for an untrustworthy so & so.

If the opportunity presents itself to be unfaithful some individuals will take it and worry about the consequences later, others will refuse on sheer principle. None of these toerags ever consider the emotional well being of the OW, just as they ignore the very real pain of their wives and children. It really is all about them and they'll say and do anything that aids them in their chase of the instant thrill.

We saw from the villification of Kristen Stewart in the media just what the public attitude to the OW is. If a man genuinley loves and respects a woman - why would he want to expose her to public disdain? Protection is a strong part of the HEALTHY male psyche.

I fooked up basically by choosing a fookwit as my child's father. I've dealt with it & moved on. The public image of the single Mum with a kid who has an invisable disability causes enough daily struggles for there to be any room left over in my head for bitterness.

You lie with dogs you catch fleas - that's the reality for both wife & OW. That's life, we just have to do the best we can with the cards we are dealt.

But the difference is surely that (in the cases we're discussing here) the OW knew the dog had fleas before she lay down. The dog told her!

OW made the informed choice.

Wife - treated like a mushroom .... kept in the dark and fed bullshit.

Ike and Charbon, thanks for your replies. I find it impossible to draw any conclusions from my friends' story, except that every story must be taken on its own merits. I certainly can't judge anyone involved, as all three of them are happier now. It was a completely, utterly different scenario from the one OP described, from OMC's and, likewise, from my exes' adventures. The man wasn't womanising. The marriage was NOT unhappy. It was like millions of marriages, a bit bickery and blah sometimes but fundamentally okay. They're nice people. Had he not met DW2, they'd probably still be married.

DW2 is "the One" for him. I can't find it in me to say he should have turned his back on her. It's pretty rare, imo, to meet "the One" and - as he says - he loved his first wife until he fell in love the second time and realised his previous love was weak by comparison. You can be happy with glass until you get diamonds.

Equally, you can't responsibly say he should have started a divorce as soon as he fell for DW2. He was well enough aware that "in love" can turn out to be illusory. He took a big enough risk as it was; iirc, there was about a year between first meeting and going public, and for 3 months of that they cut contact.

Because I lived through his wife's pain, I think he could have handled it better. But I don't feel he could have avoided causing pain at all. And I can't say he shouldn't have done it, since all four of them (including DH2) are far happier.

Sometimes life just is difficult

Depressingly, though, my friend's truth - he didn't know he wasn't in love until he fell in love - is exactly the same as the lie that cheats feed their affair partners. So I can understand some of those partners falling for it.