SAHM and need relationship advice. I can't live like this any more

[weirdalien]

I've NC'd for this. I'm really struggling with 'D'H at the moment. I'm a SAHM, was made redundant when I was pregnant with DS. It was always the plan that I would either stay at home and we'd manage for money or I'd work very part time for a bit extra cash. There isn't much work out there, part time or otherwise, so I am working freelance (for peanuts) in the time that DS naps or after he's in bed and I have cooked, and cleaned up, so by that time I am knackered anyway and struggle to get much done.

Arguments over money have escalated into him basically yelling that I have the life of riley and 'spending' money coming out of my ears and that I am leaving him with nothing every month. He gives me £550 per month for food for all of us, clothes for me and DS, fuel/insurance/tax for car, birthday and Christmas presents for DS and for family, pet food x3 and any vets bills. And in normal months I do, through bloody good management and some creative cooking and making, manage fine on this amount. He has £200 ish per month, sometimes more, to spend on himself (his lunches are covered by family food shop).

He's very resentful of every penny we're 'costing' him and says I just take take take from him. I so far have spent £400 of my freelance income on a holiday for us, but haven't touched the rest as I was saving to move house (together). I only earn a max of about £400 a month and have only done three months so far. I was also not spending any more of it as we had been trying to get pregnant with DC2. He now says that I need to use this money for bills so that he has more money for himself.

The last straw has been the fact that we have no money (from the monthly 'pot') left for food/nappies this month after spending too much on the holiday I wish we'd never had, and now I'm scrimping and saving trying to afford Christmas, when he announces that he is spending yet more money on his classic car and on going to the classic motor show next month.

I've recited all the arguments about my value as a SAHM but it makes no difference to him. I feel like I'd rather be on my own that face the tirade of 'I'm so sick of having no money to spend on myself - you have plenty of money.'

Tell me I'm being silly and this isn't as bad as I think... (sorry so, so long. Was trying not to drip feed but will probably happen anyway).

Anyway, an update. Other than the collective faces of MN having some kind of butterfly effect, I have no idea how this has happened, but... We are taking another look at the finances together, and we are to allocate the housekeeping and bills and savings and then have equal spend pots from what is left. The words 'our money' have passed his lips. He does not want me to look for full time work and he'll help me to designate more time to the part time work from now on by taking on some of the cooking two evenings and doing the wind down, bath and bed for DS on those same two nights.

The car is another issue and we do need to look at it, but this is progress. THanks x

That's really positive - hope it works out!

That sounds very positive. You both have to look at things from the other person's viewpoint. And it looks as if you have.

:)

Good to see this outcome. I am waiting until next week to broach this subject with DH as I pay for everything and now my money has run out so it is time for him to step up to the plate. Dreading the talk though

That's great ,sounds like your OH has had a reality check ,good luck and I hope it works out . The car will be less of an issue if he's fairer about everything else .

Sorry just jumped to the end which looks promising, well done! One thought though, in your OP you mention you are trying for DC2... If money is tight is that a good idea?

Start a thread on that, OctoberCarrot. I'd be interested to read it!

Ha,
he sensed the very determined 'somethings got to change' vibes you were emitting Alien (backed by the solid opinion from mumsnet).

Great result weirdalien. Stay on top of it, and make sure he keeps a clear focus on how "our money" is being spent...

His classic car... his spends...

Your spends - something you not family want!

Interestingly this evening the topic of my mobile bill came up and we had a very amicable chat about getting a better tariff and a new phone for me. Was really happy after it as I think it bodes well for our money talk next week. We are just chalk and cheese when it comes to spending - I can't keep a penny in my pocket never have been able to and he is great at saving etc. I have totally reigned in my spending though so hopefully it won't be too much of a leap for me living on a budget for the next year!

Good luck Oct

Alien, this is so horrible. A classic case of domestic abuse . The man is a monster and does not deserve your hard work, loyalty and dedication. Tomorrow, please go and see a solicitor and your CAB to take advice about how to put this piece of work out on the street. Many solicitors will do this type of thing on a no win no fee basis, so don't worry if his financial deprivation means you have nothing left to spend.

When he finds out you have done this, like any other abuser, expect him to turn violent. When he does, you should call the police immediately.

Ignore.

Op, ignore Frances, this is only the 2nd thread he has posted to on MN, and he is no doubt still trying to get the hang of things. Shame all his first posts have been deleted.

I am really glad you and DH have had a more positive talk about this.

Argh, so many over reactionary unhelpful MN'ers!

Well done OP, it may take several conversations and 'review' discussions to get to where u want to be, but keep plugging away. Sounds like a good start.