SAHM and need relationship advice. I can't live like this any more

[weirdalien]

I've NC'd for this. I'm really struggling with 'D'H at the moment. I'm a SAHM, was made redundant when I was pregnant with DS. It was always the plan that I would either stay at home and we'd manage for money or I'd work very part time for a bit extra cash. There isn't much work out there, part time or otherwise, so I am working freelance (for peanuts) in the time that DS naps or after he's in bed and I have cooked, and cleaned up, so by that time I am knackered anyway and struggle to get much done.

Arguments over money have escalated into him basically yelling that I have the life of riley and 'spending' money coming out of my ears and that I am leaving him with nothing every month. He gives me £550 per month for food for all of us, clothes for me and DS, fuel/insurance/tax for car, birthday and Christmas presents for DS and for family, pet food x3 and any vets bills. And in normal months I do, through bloody good management and some creative cooking and making, manage fine on this amount. He has £200 ish per month, sometimes more, to spend on himself (his lunches are covered by family food shop).

He's very resentful of every penny we're 'costing' him and says I just take take take from him. I so far have spent £400 of my freelance income on a holiday for us, but haven't touched the rest as I was saving to move house (together). I only earn a max of about £400 a month and have only done three months so far. I was also not spending any more of it as we had been trying to get pregnant with DC2. He now says that I need to use this money for bills so that he has more money for himself.

The last straw has been the fact that we have no money (from the monthly 'pot') left for food/nappies this month after spending too much on the holiday I wish we'd never had, and now I'm scrimping and saving trying to afford Christmas, when he announces that he is spending yet more money on his classic car and on going to the classic motor show next month.

I've recited all the arguments about my value as a SAHM but it makes no difference to him. I feel like I'd rather be on my own that face the tirade of 'I'm so sick of having no money to spend on myself - you have plenty of money.'

Tell me I'm being silly and this isn't as bad as I think... (sorry so, so long. Was trying not to drip feed but will probably happen anyway).

I think the fact that you say he doesn't like his job might be important here. He is hating his job so wants a good hobby to reward himself? he is possibly envious you at being able to stay home. This might be contributing to his unpleasantness towards you. Also you working from home doesn't give the socialising that most jobs bring, so can add to loneliness and boredom.

Thing is that DS will not alwyas be little so the present situation will change, imagine DS at say 8 years old and going with DP to look at car parts on a Saturday, going for drives with DP. You could then be working more as DS is more independent. Things will change.

Could DP be a SAHD and you go to work?

You need to look ahead a bit. You are at an impasse just now but sit down with DP and talk about the future. Jobs/ childminders/ new home? How can things be changed so everyone is happier.

Well apparently soon he will be able to save for himself when the mortgage comes down.

He is totally shafting you.

I think that I probably shouldn't have put the figures in - it really does confuse the issue. I feel like I manage my bit of the budget really well, some weeks we eat more veggie stuff, some weeks we don't use the car much. We made a bad decision to go on a holiday (only to the lakes). We spent some extra money, we had an unexpected vets bill. That meant we had less money for the following month and I was genuinely really upset that he decided to go to the motor show which will cost over £100 in travel etc. I'll be 'adjusting' the budgets so that we can afford christmas and we will (we were never extravagant). But that just feels like it is wrong - that £100 would make it so much easier to manage christmas. It is selfish IMO. His £200 free money budget is selfish. The attitude that he gives me money and I should be grateful is the problem. He could give me £5500 a month, but if the attitude was the same, I'd still be here asking the same questions

I think the trouble is that he is thinking that he is entitled to spend £200 a month of the money he earns on his hobby. You are saying that as a family you can't afford to spend that amount which is reasonable. But he is thinking of his salary as the money he earns and is his. This is very difficult when one person is earning a lot less than the other. You think the money should be saved. He doesn't. It is really a lot more difficult that just saying financial abuse. He hates his job and his car (or even any other hobby he wants to spend money on) is his reward. I can see the viewpoint.

But when you choose to have children you are effectively giving up the right to a hobby if the budget or family doesnt allow.

If the OP worked a job around him he might find he could afford the hobby but not have time for it due to caring for DS. So the resentment would still be there.

This isnt about money. Its about him not wanting to grow up and accept that life as a parent is restrictive sometimes.

"He hates his job and his car (or even any other hobby he wants to spend money on) is his reward."

Looking after his family should be his fucking "reward".

He's not rich enough to have a classic car habit and a family.

And that is not the OP's fault. Or his son's for that matter.

His wife lost her job FFS.

She is now doing full-time childcare and bringing in about £400 per month.

She is not a burden.

And the fact that he thinks she is means he is a wanker.

The attitude that he gives me money and I should be grateful is the problem

Yes, it is. But you can't change someone else you can only change yourself. So you need to fathom out what you need to do so that you are happy.

LTB?
Threaten to LTB? Would that jolt him into changing his miserly ways?
Move to somewhere where you might find a job?
Start looking towards finding a job in your area, ? retraining, studying?
Postone DC2 for x years while you study?

Not at all easy with small DC but DP won't make an overnight change so what is it that YOU would get pleasure from and start to work towards it.

the £100 is additional to his £200 monthly money BTW

Yes Vivienne, his attitude is that his car is his reward. My problem is that it taakes up his time (not as much as it did but he still spends a few evenings a week in the garage, goes to club nights and car runs) as well as his money. I don't want him not to have a hobby, but when it is so expensive it has a knock on effect on the family. It also will dictate the house we can buy. He won't contemplate looking at anything without a garage and in a small search area and not a lot for sale, houses with garages are massively more expensive than those without. Therefore we can't reduce the mortgage and, for example, reduce the outgoings so he can get a job he likes better, making him saner and happier. All because of the car.

God this has turned into the classic car ruined my life thread rather than the SAHM v. H with a bad attitude to money...

Thanks for explaining. I am seeing things now from your point of view. Yes the car is far too big an issue in his life. It's not just money, it's the time spent on it. Not even mentioning it dictating which house you buy. That would certainly be infuriating for most people. Yes he is not being fair.

And I'm not ignoring the posts that ask what I am getting out of this or why I am still with him. I need to think about these things, but carefully. I need to work out if he can change his attitude, or if I should just LTB. Not an easy decision.

AThing - yes the problem is that he's not rich enough for the classic car habit. I keep saying to him that there is a reason that men people tend to take this up when they retire, when they haven't got a young family to look after . Although I have a feeling that won't be the case for much longer the way pensions and retirement ages are going

Thanks Bessie - I will try to look at some options

Sorry if I haven't replied or acknowledged everyone. Am on an old and flaky netbook that keeps dropping off the face of the earth so keep missing bits. I am very grateful to everyone that has responded and been so helpful. I still really don't know what to do, but this has helped me clarify a few points, even if it is just in my own head. But, DS is my priority, and I will not be made to feel this way. How I resolve that is another matter.

My exH had a classic car and when we went looking for houses it HAD to have a garage. Which meant we couldn't afford anything near where we wanted to. He was a crashing bore about cars, God how he went on! Then he got into motorbikes. . . geez, the tedium ! He was [I now believe] unfaithful quite a lot and ended up dumping me just after I'd had a miscarriage.

The house had negative equity and we agreed that he would take that on. The last conversation I had with him revealed he had had to sell the classic car to make ends meet.

I should have laughed but actually felt a sense of hopeless frustration. I had bent over backwards so that he could have a cosy home for his precious ickle darling carsey-warsey, but he got rid of it soon enough to pay the bills he incurred getting me out of his life.

Don't know why I am posting this really. Just out of sympathy for someone stuck with a boring ringpiece who thinks his car is more important than his wife and child, I guess.

Thanks Balloon - it helps (I think). Sounds like you are well rid of him. Wonder if anyone will post a heartwarming classic car story relating to someone they are still married to? I think probably not, unfortunately.

Could he not rent a lock-up for the car instead of it dictating a more expensive house? Or is this a foolish idea that only non-car lovers would entertain?

I would like a psychologist or counsellor to come on here and explain why they must (and it's usually men) have their vital, expensive hobby.

My DH has 2 garages and a shed for his hobby, plus stuff in the house, I feel it is some sort of 'need' he has to accumulate and own this stuff (which will apparently 'increase in value over the years' -yeah, right).

We can afford to indulge this so no probs there but I have a few manky old gardening tools for my hobby and am happy with that.

Sorry to take this off at a tangent WeirdA but it is hard to understand why the hobby is so important to them.

weirdalien - I agree with you, this is about attitude.

At the moment he seems to have an attitude of 'hard done by', 'poor me', and behaving like a bachelor. He also appears to place minimal value on the work you contribute to the household through being a SAHM (and I presume that includes a large proportion of the housework).

He also seems to have a poor attitude to money. From what you say, it seems you have to budget, but he doesn't. Does he have an awareness of how much things cost and what you actually spend money on?

I can relate to this a little, in the earlier years of my relationship, my OH used to imply I was ripping him off, not contributing fairly, and bemoaning how he never had any money. I eventually discovered how much he wasted on 'crap' such as lunches, hobbies etc.
We used the Martin Lewis website to make an indepth budget for EVERYTHING. We write down all spending on a spreadsheet, and check every week how we are doing. We have gone from me solely managing the money, to a nearly 50/50 situation.

If I were in your situation I would ask if we could have a proper sit down chat about money - I would literally schedule it in to the diary, give warning, and do it at a time when both of you are the least tired etc. I would say something like I think we should work together to plan how we manage the money in this relationship. I would reference that you know he is not happy with the current method, and neither are you. Perhaps also a chat about 'goals' here. You mention about saving up, does he have that goal too?

We had a 'talk'. Mixed success - he seems to be getting his head around some of the concepts a bit, as in it isn't his money (or my money) it is our money. I have explained the reasons why I am hanging on to the money I have earned and he says he understands this. (i.e. I want to save it or spend it on things for the family whereas if he gets it he will spend on the car, but essentially even in my bank account it is all in the family 'pot'.) He says he wants to save it, but he'll save for a bit and then decide 'he' has enough for a respray or a new gearbox or something. He doesn't see that it is unfair for him to have a day away at the motor show, with travelling, ticket, other expenses, when I will have to be very careful with money to afford Christmas. The attitude is very much 'poor me' and he keeps comparing himself to other people who he says have more money than him (when what they actually have is either a shedload of debt, no family, tiny or non-existent mortgages, or partners who earn boatloads of money). wannabedomesticgoddess is right - he doesn't accept the restrictions of parenthood. Loves it, until it interferes with something he wants to do, and then behaves like a teenager whose mum has said he can't go out until he finishes his homework.

When I suggested that it might be better if we split up (partly to see how he would react to this, and partly because I think it might be better), he said in that case I'll pack my job in [shocked]. I had a colleague whose XH did this as soon as she had her first (only) baby, saying if she was going to be off work, he would be too.

At the moment I'm not sure what is happening, but I am now really hoping I'm not PG this month. There is a chance as we had started TTC, but now X-ing fingers for the opposite outcome. Thanks everyone for the support

Im sorry to hear that. He sounds really immature. What age is he? (Not that it matters really.)

I hope you are ok. Its really unsettling to not know whats happening. But you sound really strong and Im sure you will be fine no matter what!

Thanks - he's 37 (stop laughing, really).
I actually think I may have frightened the life out of him, and hopefully he'll get a grip and make some changes. If not I know what to do. And I won't be looking for a garage when I do it.

He would quit his job so he wouldn't have to pay for his children?

Seriously, this guy is a fucking joker. And basically a misogynist.

Start getting your ducks in a row to get out.

I'm at 'i'll pack my job in."

He's a child. In fact, my children would be more responsible than that.

Has he always been like this or is it a mid life crisis?

Im sure you are gutted. Though I was thinking the same. Maybe a sharp shock might be enough to make him reconsider and realise what he would be losing.

The attitude about leaving work is truely horrifying. Whats his relationship like with his mum? He sounds like a mummys boy.

AThing - it does appear so. I am hoping that was said in the heat of the moment, and I will give him a chance to change his attitude, but there will be a plan B.

It does all sound a bit odd.

Everyone manages money differently; we always had a joint account.
Initially, all bills were paid from it, including hols and shopping and we paid equal amounts into it.

Out of what was left DW did her hobbies, fun things, and loads of presents; out of mine I paid my maintenance, bought books and gadgets[giving up smoking on the way].

Many years later, I'm the FT worker, DW is PT, kids are grown up.
All my money goes into joint account, where bills come from, and I get spends directed into a separate account. DW doesn't get spends as she keeps her PT money.

Have you thought about going back full time, and letting him cope with SAHP? That might sharpen him up a bit.

Of course, if you do split, it's likely your SAHP days will be over very quickly...

He is a child, yes. Not a mummy's boy - daddy's boy. MIL doesn't get a look in from behind the pedestal FIL is on. And if we are talking mysogynists, there's a thread and a half.

I do think the leaving work thig was said to shock me. I don't think he would do that.