SAHM and need relationship advice. I can't live like this any more

[weirdalien]

I've NC'd for this. I'm really struggling with 'D'H at the moment. I'm a SAHM, was made redundant when I was pregnant with DS. It was always the plan that I would either stay at home and we'd manage for money or I'd work very part time for a bit extra cash. There isn't much work out there, part time or otherwise, so I am working freelance (for peanuts) in the time that DS naps or after he's in bed and I have cooked, and cleaned up, so by that time I am knackered anyway and struggle to get much done.

Arguments over money have escalated into him basically yelling that I have the life of riley and 'spending' money coming out of my ears and that I am leaving him with nothing every month. He gives me £550 per month for food for all of us, clothes for me and DS, fuel/insurance/tax for car, birthday and Christmas presents for DS and for family, pet food x3 and any vets bills. And in normal months I do, through bloody good management and some creative cooking and making, manage fine on this amount. He has £200 ish per month, sometimes more, to spend on himself (his lunches are covered by family food shop).

He's very resentful of every penny we're 'costing' him and says I just take take take from him. I so far have spent £400 of my freelance income on a holiday for us, but haven't touched the rest as I was saving to move house (together). I only earn a max of about £400 a month and have only done three months so far. I was also not spending any more of it as we had been trying to get pregnant with DC2. He now says that I need to use this money for bills so that he has more money for himself.

The last straw has been the fact that we have no money (from the monthly 'pot') left for food/nappies this month after spending too much on the holiday I wish we'd never had, and now I'm scrimping and saving trying to afford Christmas, when he announces that he is spending yet more money on his classic car and on going to the classic motor show next month.

I've recited all the arguments about my value as a SAHM but it makes no difference to him. I feel like I'd rather be on my own that face the tirade of 'I'm so sick of having no money to spend on myself - you have plenty of money.'

Tell me I'm being silly and this isn't as bad as I think... (sorry so, so long. Was trying not to drip feed but will probably happen anyway).

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Re this comment:-
"Generally if he isn't tired, stressed, busy or tired, or stressed... he's fine"

No he's not, that seems like wishful thinking on your part.

Read up on financial control within relationships. He is financially controlling you and such behaviour is abusive. He seems to think of you are primarily a burden on him. You will not be able to sort this out because that has to be a two way process and he does nto want to know. He regards you really as an inconvenience.

Do not bring another child into this.

I would be looking to seek legal advice asap with a view to leaving him.

Floral - I have mainly 'in the house hobbies', so that effectively means they get abandoned in favour of DS and house things. His hobbies are out of the house, so he goes out while I stay home/do child care. He takes DS out on a saturday, but usually leaves him with his mum while he goes to sort car supplies etc.

Hi weirdalien,
I am a SAHM and my dh is the sole breadwinner and I think it is a weird dynamic and it can be hard for each person to understand where the other one is coming from. So I feel kind of bad for not bringing anything financial to the table, but then both me and my dh know that I am fulfilling the crucial task of bringing up our 3 kids and at the moment the financial burden has to fall on him. But then I also understand that it is fairly big burden for him to carry esp as he doesn't like his job!!! But, We are in it together.

The key thing for me would be whether he is able or willing to understand this from your point of view? (And are you able/willing to see it from his?)

If you really want to stay with your dh, I think you need to be able to talk to him about this properly and how it makes you feel and find out how he feels about it all.

If he is not interested in understanding it all from your point of view then I don't see why you would want to be with him?

On the face of it from my outside perspective from what you've written he comes across as completely self-centred and that he values himself more highly than you or your son. I would be very concerned that his priority seems to be himself and his hobby and not your son?

I suppose what I am sayingh Cogito is that I have no control over any of the other money and what it gets saved for or spent on. My money does go into the pot - it is just the bit of the pot thta I am in charge of. We have no joint account. I only get the 550 and I have no access to the rest of the money

I think that the actual figures are a bit irrelevant.

Hes not happy with the set up because he wants to spend his pay on his interests like a bachelor. I suspect that if you worked full time he would think childcare should be paid from your income.

An attitude like that is the problem. Its very unlikely his attitude would change no matter what you do.

His main priority seems to be his precious car. His son comes a dim and distant second and I do not even think you come anyway near the top of his priority list.

What do you mean exactly when you describe the car as something we can't even go in together?. Will he not let you anywhere near it?. Is he working on some classic car?.

I am reading and (trying) to reply to all but just going to have to go for a bit. DS is awake. Thanks all (and keep it coming, this is all very helpful for me)

He needs to grow up.

He decided to have children. He needs to support them. You are contributing by taking on the child care and working - you are saving him a considerable amount t of money in childcare.

DP and I have been in a similar situation and everything went in one pot - mortgage, bills and food were paid for first, then the children's needs ( school lunches, shoes, clothes, activities) then it was us. And there wasn't much left at all. DP only ever asked for his season ticket. We spent hardly a penny on ourselves.

If he resents you looking after his children so much, you need to seriously question your relationship and ask whether he is grown up enough for a family.

Long term this sounds like a miserable life for you and your DS , from what you say the car seems to be his priority . I have never understood why couples don't have joint accounts but that aside I think if I was you I'd be getting legal advice and looking to leave . Your OH sounds like he is unlikely to change any time soon .

I think you are going to have to forget about treats and extras and family holidays for the time being if money is a bit tight. If your partner gives you £550 a month and you earn around £400 a month that should be absolutely more than enough to pay for what you have to pay for. But I can see your point if your parnter has £200 to spend on himself.

It really sounds as if you are totally miles apart where dealing with finances are concerned. It's all very well to be a SAHM if you are supported in that decision by your partner. If you are not supported it's a whole different business. The car would annoy me I have to say.

To be frank I don't think he has grown up. Boys toys in the form of classic cars are not a priority when you start a family and money is tight but he just does not get that yet.

You need to have all the money out on the table, his wage slips, receipts for shopping, etc. The £550 is not to cover holidays. That is to cover basics. If he wants a classic car then he has to take that out of his '£200 free money' budget' and you have the same '£200 free money budget' to spend on you.

With a young baby stop the holidays for a few years. It really is not a holiday in my experience. That would give your DH the money to indulge his passion and some money for you to indulge yours.

I've read a similar thread on here a while ago regarding the food shopping.

The price of food has gone up in the last few years. As a loose and unscientific example a £60 shop now costs £100. If he hasn't taken a trolley around Sainbury's in a couple of years then he won't fully appreciate this.

This does not, of course, relate to the bigger issues of control and bad attitude.

And frankly it's only going to get worse...children get more and more expensive as they grow up. You need to sort this now.

What Morebeta said. Having said that, i find it easy to say 'give up holidays' because certainly when ds was small, I loathed them. Not everyone feels the same.

I actually feel this is worth another crack of the whip, but it needs you all to start from financial year zero, again as Morebeta said. Eliminate all assumptions - that you stay at home, that he works full-time, that you go on holiday, that you eat meat, that you own a house - and just start from, what do we want for us as a family, for our children, for us as a couple, as individuals? How do we best achieve that so that we have the best chance of happiness? What you find it hard to give up as individuals is not right or wrong. The thing I found really difficult - OK impossible - to give up when our income dropped was newspapers. Ridiculous expense to some but I went without new clothes/shoes for 5 years without blinking an eye. If his classic car is what he needs to be happy, then how do you achieve that without killing each other? How much time does he need to spend doing classic car stuff and how much of that time could include the dc being with him? Let's face it, in a few short years that child is also going to be a classic car fanatic, life being what it is

Sorry I have drifted into talking about budgeting/interests which is not really the point. How to make him have the conversation, because you are both unhappy - that's the trick. Best of luck.

"Floral - if he got rid of the car I'd be accused of taking teh only thing that provides him with any fun. Apparently I have made him stop all his other hobbies."

So he's not a grown up making his own choices an living up to his responsibilities, he's a teenage boy and you are his mother, thwarting him constantly.

How sexy. Not.

He Is abusing you financially. He just is. Please don't have another baby with him unless this is sorted out. How are you going to afford another child anyway?
The man is an arse. He doesn't respect you. You must be feeling very down

Please put away any ideas to TTC right now. Look for full time work, it will ease the financial situation you are in, and help you in case he does not in fact grow up.

So you could start a big chat about money and values but Tbh is it worth it? This man is meant to love you both, to make you laugh and feel great. Do you like him, fancy him? He sounds awful:(

We would fight to spend our last five on the other or the children, money facilitates but never is worth more than time, fun and cuddles. I just wonder how far you are from the relationship that you want? The family that your child deserves?

I agree that you need to go right back to the basics of finances. And make a list of every single expense. You say you have no control over the rest of the money apart from the £550. But presumably quite a lot of this money will be spoken for like mortgage payments and community charge and utility bills so it's not as if he is freely spending this money as it is already committed.

You both need to see where the money is going. And both need to feel you are getting a reasonably fair deal. And people are right. Children are going to get more and more expensive and you want all this who pays for what sorted out now.

Please don't have another baby at the moment. If finances are tough now that will just make it worse. Plus it would make it even harder to leave him.

If you are smoking, unless you have recently quit, I would suggest seriously trying to give it up, as it cost a fortune!

tbh I think people are a bit quick to cry abuse. Yes the dh is clearly resentful about money, however it does appear that the op has a bit of a "what's mine is mine and what's yours is ours" attitude.

Op you are currently bringing home £400 a month. It seems clear that you're not in a position to be saving that money at the moment. The ability to save is a luxury - a luxury which you atm can't afford. You need to sit down with your dh and talk through budgeting, and that includes talking through joint income and where it goes, including your £400 a month. You say that you don't have access to what he earns, well he doesn't have access to your money either does he? Yes you've spent it on a holiday for the family, but that is your choice. Ideally what you need to do is to discuss what you jointly earn and discuss what you individually can afford to put aside for yourselves. If you don't have joint accounts then money for your own clothes should be coming out of what you earn. If that means holidays have to go on the back burner for a while then so be it.

Hello, I'm back. erm no I don't smoke
As many people have said, it is less about the figures, and what it is spent on and more about the attitude. Money is tight but I enjoy making sure we have a good life on the budget we have. DS doesn't go without. I probably do, but then what mother doesn't. What I can't cope with is that he wants to spend money on things we can't afford and don't need like the car (upthread someone asked WTF?? - it is 2 seater classic, therefore we can't use it as a family). He seems to have his priorities all wrong. DS isn't coming above the car on the list. And neither am I. The attitude is that he is doing me some kind of favour by 'giving' me money which I wantonly spend on food, nappies and diesel for the car. Or vets bills and dog food. He isn't grown up enough to realise what my contribution is. I could try to find full time work, but I think it will be nigh on impossible in my sector in this region. Highly experienced colleagues are working in London (300+ miles away) just to get work. Not an option.

WannaBe - I see where you're coming from, but I don't quite agree. My H wants me to effectively give him the money so he can spend more on his hobby, not so that we as a family can have a more secure future. We can afford to save - we just can't afford £200 'pocket money' for boys toys.