Jealous of DH

[sadlyunreasonable]

OK, first let me point out that I feel terrible about the following problem. I know I?m being unreasonable but can?t seem to help the way I feel. Would love some advice as to how to deal with it?

I am currently on ML after DC4 although I usually work PT since DC3 arrived.
DH has always travelled occasionally with his work and in the past when I?ve been working full time I?ve really struggled to juggle everything when he is away as my job was not geared up to being able to do all of the pickups/drop offs etc alone. I really expected to find it so much better when my workload decreased (now not working at all, of course). However, the practical difficulties have been replaced by problems I?ve created.

The last time he went away DC4 was 8 weeks old and he went to the US for a week. I completely went to pieces. From a practical point of view I was fine but I was completely taken over by jealousy and resentment. All I could think about was DH being jetted off to see a new part of the world, being wined and dined and (best of all) getting full nights sleep in a posh hotel. I, meanwhile, was getting no sleep with a newborn and a sleep-defying toddler and generally running myself ragged. I know that in truth he?d rather have been with us, but I couldn?t seem to see past my resentment, which really came between us for a while. I realise it?s not DH?s fault and feel so sorry for him.

Fast-forward to last night. Turns out he?s been dreading talking to me about a conference he?s been invited to. It?s being held at a luxury spa hotel with fine dining each evening. I really don?t know what to say. I don?t want to hold his career back but don?t want to say it?s fine and then explode at him later.

As I said above, I realise that I?m being selfish and horrible about this. I just wondered if there were any suggestions as to how I can learn to deal with it a bit better. I adore my kids and am so happy to have the opportunity to spend this time with them. I was the main breadwinner after DC1 and 2 and could not afford more than 10 weeks off after either of them. I just wish I wasn?t such a green-eyed monster over this travel thing. DH says that if it?s going to be a problem for me he?ll not go and will try and pick out trips in the future that I can tag along on, but I really don?t know if this is going to be possible (financially or practically), and I so don?t want to damage his career.

I don't miss travelling either Bonsoir and similar glamorous travelling job. However I'd be lying if I said that the idea of a minibar with chocolate and clean sheets and crisp duvets that someone else washed and put on, and a breakfast cooked for me and no-one waking me up in the morning is not very compelling.

If I lived with someone who had that occasionally and I didn't and I didn't even get to pop out to the shops whilst they stayed in with the kids then I'm afraid I would in very short order stab them (at least in the leg).

I'm single, I don't have that choice and tbh I don't resent that but surely having a partner is meant to make life a little easier?

It's so true, isn't it, that what the mum (working or SAHM) does all the time re putting DCs needs first, is generally taken as a 'given' - if DF does the same he is feted as a 'wonderful dad'. I still remember many years ago when I was working and single mum to 3 young DCs, a (childless, female) colleague chastised me for sometimes being late for our morning meeting (because nanny was lovely but not the worlds best at arriving spot on time); but when a male colleague was late it was ok because his wife was doing her regular night shift & he had to do the childcare handover, poor lamb. WTF??

sigh I was just sympathising.

Sorry haven't read all 5 pages.

Can absolutely empathise and seethed with envy over DH's lifestyle (plus when he did get home he didn't help but now, with hindsight, realise that I shouldn't have let that go).

What might make a big difference is going for some real meee time stuff.
Massage, hairdresser, facial, any interesting talks in the evening you can pop to even counselling, somewhere where the attention is all on you, you, you. At least once a week. And don't look on it as wasting family money on yourself but keeping yourself sane to care properly for your family rather than being tense and resentful.

I was an occasionally martyred SAHM but more recently when my elderly DPs were both ill I had deep muscle massage (supposedly for backache ( I had to justify such a selfish extravagance) for an hour at a time and the chat to the therapist was so good and the massage wonderful. It was such a benefit during a stressful and exhausting time and made me a much nicer person to be around. Worth every penny.

If be savagely jealous

My DP is going to New York in ten days' time for a week, coinciding with half-term. I have just booked a babysitter for DD for two afternoons/evenings so I am free to go out and do whatever I like! (and DD can ask the babysitter to do whatever she likes). Freedom!