Jealous of DH

[sadlyunreasonable]

OK, first let me point out that I feel terrible about the following problem. I know I?m being unreasonable but can?t seem to help the way I feel. Would love some advice as to how to deal with it?

I am currently on ML after DC4 although I usually work PT since DC3 arrived.
DH has always travelled occasionally with his work and in the past when I?ve been working full time I?ve really struggled to juggle everything when he is away as my job was not geared up to being able to do all of the pickups/drop offs etc alone. I really expected to find it so much better when my workload decreased (now not working at all, of course). However, the practical difficulties have been replaced by problems I?ve created.

The last time he went away DC4 was 8 weeks old and he went to the US for a week. I completely went to pieces. From a practical point of view I was fine but I was completely taken over by jealousy and resentment. All I could think about was DH being jetted off to see a new part of the world, being wined and dined and (best of all) getting full nights sleep in a posh hotel. I, meanwhile, was getting no sleep with a newborn and a sleep-defying toddler and generally running myself ragged. I know that in truth he?d rather have been with us, but I couldn?t seem to see past my resentment, which really came between us for a while. I realise it?s not DH?s fault and feel so sorry for him.

Fast-forward to last night. Turns out he?s been dreading talking to me about a conference he?s been invited to. It?s being held at a luxury spa hotel with fine dining each evening. I really don?t know what to say. I don?t want to hold his career back but don?t want to say it?s fine and then explode at him later.

As I said above, I realise that I?m being selfish and horrible about this. I just wondered if there were any suggestions as to how I can learn to deal with it a bit better. I adore my kids and am so happy to have the opportunity to spend this time with them. I was the main breadwinner after DC1 and 2 and could not afford more than 10 weeks off after either of them. I just wish I wasn?t such a green-eyed monster over this travel thing. DH says that if it?s going to be a problem for me he?ll not go and will try and pick out trips in the future that I can tag along on, but I really don?t know if this is going to be possible (financially or practically), and I so don?t want to damage his career.

It's rubbish and feels bloody unfair but such is the lot of the SAHP. You are not a jealous cow AT ALL.

My ex used to have all this and more, huge bonuses, alongside being incredibly selfish and unsympathetic as in "well I earn the money so it's quite right I get the perks! Stop fucking whinging!" Yes he was a real prince.

But you know what when I was laughing and playing with my babies and feeling those enormous surges of love you get sometimes I wouldn't have swapped that for anything and in hindsight I look back and know that I was and am the lucky one and I wouldn't change it for anything.

It's ok to have the odd seething jealousy moment though, you wouldn't be human otherwise.

Dryjuice25. No worries there. He's really not the problem and I trust him totally. If I ask him to he'll drop the work trips completly.

I think, however hard it is to see practical ways, I need to follow advice here to make sure there is some balance introduced one way or another.

DH suggested seeing if I was allowed to accompany him on the next trip. Hotel has a babysitting service so he has suggested DC3 and4 come along and I use the spa whilst he's busy. Not sure how it will go down for him to ask though although he says he'snot bothered about that.

Thanks again for all your posts. All appreciated.

I think I've probably allowed myself to become a bit isolated over recent years and now DH career is taking off I feel pretty inadequate.

That's the answer isn't it?
How is your work and are you happy about working PT?
Is there anything else you would like to do? (Try and imagine it if everything was possible, you had all the childcare in the world etc...) Who would you like to be?

Also agree your feelings are totlally normal OP. And I second (third?!) the advice about arranging things for while he's away. If I'm off on a conference my DH always has his parents up (although that's a whole other issue!); if he's off, which is more common, I try and make sure that I have plans to go out for lunch or will invited friends or relatives from around the country to stay so I at least have company in the evenings and someone to hold my cuppa while I change nappies etc!

We all went to my conference in summer 2011 and it was okay. I didn't need to ask or anything, I just booked the extra flights. Same when I took the baby and my dad with me for a big interview when I was still BFing three tiems a night!

Sorry, I mean I just booked the extra tickets but only claimed back for my own, obviously! The university didn't pay for my child or spouse/babysitter on either occassion!

Sadly I can understand where you are coming from, although my DS is nearly 4 and DH and I both go away with work (not internationally) ever couple of weeks or so.

Turning things around a bit, is there anyway you can make the time you have at home in the evenings better while he's away? E.g. I look forward to catching up on whatever trashy TV I'm watching (Next Top Model or something equally vapid) or in the past I've worked my way through a DVD boxet that DH wouldn't want to watch (BBC's Pride & Prejudice eg).

I know you have a newborn that is still bfing but having something to watch or music to listen to that DH doesn't like/isn't bothered about may may the time pass and stop you from focusing on whatever he is meant to be up to while he's away ie the fine dining or 5* hotel?

X-post with Fishfingers

I get deeply jealous of DH being able to just go out and do stuff without even thinking about the kids.

I went away for a week for work last year - it was a great conference, but we were on the go 6am - midnight every day, plus all the jetlag - and I had to arrange childcare for DS whilst I was away too. I couldn't just assume that things would be taken care of in my absence the way DH can.

not sure what my point is, but there are times when it SUCKS BALLS to be organised and thoughtful.

I also travel regularly with work and yes some trips are long and boring with delayed flights where I only see the airport and the business offices at the other end etc etc. But I have also been lucky enough to see some amazing places all over the world, been on trips where there is been a decent amount of free time and I have met lots of interesting people. So it's swings and roundabouts and I wouldn't change it for anything.

I think the issue here is for the OP to find something that is just for her (ie not 'mum' or 'wife') then she won't have the feelings of resentment towards her husband. This could be a job, an interest away from the kids or time with friends. It doesn't have to cost much but would make a big difference.

I can really relate to your situation op.

My dh was away in Sydney on business for three days this week, and he sounded like he had a high old grand time of it. He spent 5 hours flying there on the Monday. Did is thing he Tuesday with work, went out with colleagues. Travelled back the Wednesday and spent most of the time in airport lounges. Well, boohoo, what a hard 3days he had

When he got in, I flaked out in bed at 8pm, and when I woke n the morning, he managed to do chuff all the washing up was still sat there from the dinner I made him.

I'm now being asked to watch him play cricket tomorrow with his rugby club friends I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than play the happy little wifey so I'm off to see my sil for a catch up instead.

Thanks again - more useful ideas there.

Regarding my work. No, I'm not at all happy with my job. PT is enough for now as my "dream job" since before I can remember has proven to be highly stressful and extremely family unfriendly. I have big decisions to make when I finish my maternity leave. My qualification is very job specific and as I can earn more doing that than anything else I feel fairly trapped to be honest.

Mostly I try not to think about it and enjoy my time with the DCs for now. We've moved around so much though chasing DH's career that whilst I've picked up friends here and there along the way we've rarely stayed any where long enough for me to form many lasting friendships post university. Where we arenow I do have a handful of good friends but all are based around either work or children (or both..)

Friends from earlier life are now up to their eyeballs in dirty nappies too so it's hard to see how they could come up here to hold my hand next time I'm having an attack of the jealouses.

Regarding my own work travel - when I've been to conferences etc they've always been in this country. We have always treated them as a little family trip away tbh. In fact I have a trip next month to London (even though I'm on ML I need to keep my qualifications updated). DH and the younger DCs are coming with me. They'll spend the days in the museums, parks etc and will meet up with me to bf DC4. It's always assumed that if I need to attend everything I'm still needed for the DCs.

I attended a conference that I helped to organise this Spring in Nottingham. DH brought DS too. He insisted on driving us there early on the morning of the conference (4hrs) instead of me going by train the night before - it was so stressful because I was trying to get myself out of family mode and into professional mode.

He and DS stayed for not extra fee in the same room as me and went off sightseeing in the day times. However, all through the formal evening dinner I constantly was thinking about DH upstairs, not wanting to drink too much or be too late back up, and it actually took some of the enjoyment out of the whole conference.

I swore never again - next time can you insist that you go away without the DH and DCs tagging along? It may be that by then your youngest has stopped BFing?

Yes - maybe I should do that next time. As things stand I have no part of my life away from the family whereas DH has other areas to his life and the freedom that so many others have referred to is part of what I think I'm resenting. Feel bad about that though as I LOVE my time with the kids. Unpleaseable really.

OK - so as a result of suggestions here I've emailed an old friend about meeting up for a nice day out. We'll have kids with us but I see her rarely these days and it will be lovely to catch up.

Have also suggested to DD1 (16) that she and I might go for a spa day together and leave DH to deal with the younger children when DC4 is old enough to go with out bf in the day. She thinks that sounds fun and it would be nice to do something more grown up with her.

It's always assumed that if I need to attend everything I'm still needed for the DCs.

Why is that?
Atm it would be difficult for you to be anywhere wo at least dc4. But why was it like this before (and you weren't bfing?)
You do need time being yourself and be able to rely fully on your DH during that time.
When I am going away to a conference, I am working. There is no way I will also take my family etc etc because that would be unprofessional to have my dcs at work iyswim.
seriously, when you are at work, doing work things, then it should be only you as a woman/professional person, not also being mum.

Longdistance, going to Sidney just for one day?!?
Do you really think that spending 24 hours in a plane, working whilst jet lagged and then another 24 hours in a plane getting bored is a cop out?
Dear me, you have no idea.

Before DCs 3 and 4 (big gap between 2 and 3) it used to be that it was just as easy to go together and gave everyone else a trip away. The main conference I attend is always in school hols and is fairly easy to get to. During the day I would be doing work related stuff whilst the rest of the family had fun and then in the evening would be with DH and the DCs. Now it's more by necessity due to bf.

RE Longdistance I think they live in Aus (correct me if I'm wrong though LD)

Always, I assumed that Longdistance lives nearer to Sydney as she said it was a 5 hour flight.

I've had to fly from London to Edinburgh and back in a day to deliver a 45 minute presentation. In total it was about 10 hours travelling. It was knackering but I still had plenty of time to myself during all that travelling and I think that's the OP's point?

Yes it is. If I want any time without the DC it has to be carefully orchestrated. For DH it is assumed that it will be OK and that I will pick up the slack. And I do. This isn't his fault though and I feel terrible for being so resentful about it. Also bad for the DC as I love them and DO want to be with them. It's just that chance to be the on who is "off duty" I never seem to feel.

DH will notice that we've run out of milk and he feels free to just nip out and get it. The default is that I'm there keeping an eye on everyone. I've stopped him going on little errands before to ask for a swap so I can enjoy the supermarket alone!! It's not that he minds doing the childcare just that the norm is that the buck stops with me since I've been at home full time.

Ohhh "Popping" I miss, miss, miss "popping". Just popping for some milk. Just popping to the post office, just popping ...gah...anywhere...without the children. I had to have this conversation with DH when they were tiny....he thought he was being helpful getting the little errands out of the way....but no! I want to fucking "Pop" OK!!. . He gets it now.

You won't be breastfeeding for ever, so at some point you can go away.

I've found that some of my friends never went away when their children were young, they still don't even though they are much older and more capable, staying ther 24/7 seems to have taught their husband to be rather useless about childcare and I know at least one dad who 'can't have all three children on his own' despite the fact his wife does, and has done for years!

The ones who went away when the children were younger, to friend's birthdays, or a school reunion or to see old friends, still go away every now and again when they get the chance, not often, but enough to retain a bit of their old identity and more importantly to relax and enjoy themselves. They feel less martyrish about the whole thing, and more importantly, their partners are well accustomed to looking after the children for any reason.

So, I think there can be benefits to not always being the default always around parent. You don't need to spend a lot of money, a spa day, meeting an old friend, take the baby and visit your other friend with young children, go to the cinema for a night out, anything. I did a week visit to some of my friends a couple of year ago, I decided if we waited for everyone to bring all their families, we would never get together, so I went alone, left the kids and visited their families. I was able to spend much more time with them, a few drinks in the evening and really meet their children as I wasn't flapping about my own.

As for your husband's trips away (perhaps he enjoys them, perhaps he doesn't, this is kind of irrelevant, you are allowed to enjoy your work on occasions), it's a shame you feel so jealous; I don't like going away myself and avoid it except about twice a year, I should go much more than I do (and whoever said academic conferences were fun, I don't enjoy them!) But- I would prefer to be home more with the children, perhaps you never quite get what you want!

DH travels a lot with work and I think it definitely loses its shine when you do it often.
Uncomfortable flights, jet lag, hot hotel rooms...

Even I, who travel far less, get fed up if it's more than two nights. The first day, I'm all 'Look at me in the business lounge with a glass of champagne'. But it gets quite lonely after 48 hours I think.

DH and I combined trips to NYC nad took the kids. That worked very well.

I completely get where you are coming from. Further up thread you said that you cannot justify spending family money on nice stuff for you. On the other hand, spending a little bit of money on you might make the difference between feeling incredibly resentful or feeling massively better about the situation. After I had had dc3 I went through a period of feeling incredibly resentful towards my (lovely) dh who got to do stuff like go to work, or head to the hairdresser unaccompanied by screaming kids. We solved the issue by hiring a lovely nanny, just for 2 hours a week, so I could go off and have a break. My dh was completely delighted with this solution because I stopped being so cross with him.

Then your issue has nothing to do with travelling for work has it? The issue is that the whole responsibility of childcare is on your shoulders only.
the issue is that your DH doesn't feel fully responsible as you are for ensuring the dcs are looked after (ie there is someone in the house so you can 'pop over' to get some milk, there is some childcare organized if he is going away etc...).

In that case, I would start transferring some of the responsibility onto him and then go away on my own for the weekend or for a full day (which would incl him putting the dcs in bed), on a 'regular' basis.
Because it isn't right that you are 'automatically' there if he is away.
And because he needs to really appreciate the effort needed in looking after 4dcs on your own.

Longdistance sorry, it didn't cross my mind you were in Aus.

Here is my last business trip. Train to London, packed all the way, train to stevenage to check into to the delightful ibis!!! View out of window of a brick wall, dinner from asda opposite, a three pack sandwich and a bag o crisps, next door room on phone until 2am! Couldn't sleep til after that. Up at 6.30 to prepare for presentation. Finish that at 1pm. 3 hours to kill in Stevenage before my 5 hour train journey to Glasgow. Got there at 9pm after spending the whole journey next to 3 women who didn't stop talking the whole way! Had to queue for a taxi for 45
Mins! Hotel at 10pm. Sleep for midnight. Up at 7 for the days presentation. Leave at 3pm. Get home at 7pm.

No swimming pool, no piss up, no sleep. Not very glamorous!

Now I am sure some of your oh have a whale of a time, it's not all great!!