Jealous of DH

[sadlyunreasonable]

OK, first let me point out that I feel terrible about the following problem. I know I?m being unreasonable but can?t seem to help the way I feel. Would love some advice as to how to deal with it?

I am currently on ML after DC4 although I usually work PT since DC3 arrived.
DH has always travelled occasionally with his work and in the past when I?ve been working full time I?ve really struggled to juggle everything when he is away as my job was not geared up to being able to do all of the pickups/drop offs etc alone. I really expected to find it so much better when my workload decreased (now not working at all, of course). However, the practical difficulties have been replaced by problems I?ve created.

The last time he went away DC4 was 8 weeks old and he went to the US for a week. I completely went to pieces. From a practical point of view I was fine but I was completely taken over by jealousy and resentment. All I could think about was DH being jetted off to see a new part of the world, being wined and dined and (best of all) getting full nights sleep in a posh hotel. I, meanwhile, was getting no sleep with a newborn and a sleep-defying toddler and generally running myself ragged. I know that in truth he?d rather have been with us, but I couldn?t seem to see past my resentment, which really came between us for a while. I realise it?s not DH?s fault and feel so sorry for him.

Fast-forward to last night. Turns out he?s been dreading talking to me about a conference he?s been invited to. It?s being held at a luxury spa hotel with fine dining each evening. I really don?t know what to say. I don?t want to hold his career back but don?t want to say it?s fine and then explode at him later.

As I said above, I realise that I?m being selfish and horrible about this. I just wondered if there were any suggestions as to how I can learn to deal with it a bit better. I adore my kids and am so happy to have the opportunity to spend this time with them. I was the main breadwinner after DC1 and 2 and could not afford more than 10 weeks off after either of them. I just wish I wasn?t such a green-eyed monster over this travel thing. DH says that if it?s going to be a problem for me he?ll not go and will try and pick out trips in the future that I can tag along on, but I really don?t know if this is going to be possible (financially or practically), and I so don?t want to damage his career.

I completely understand. If it makes you feel better, I am even worse - I feel jealous of dh sauntering out of the door at 8am to go to work every day! I have a brilliant deal with my work as well, I work school hours three days a week with flexibility in the holidays. BUT dh's work always comes first, and mine always comes last and I try to squeeze it in around the kids and the housework.

So he leaves me every morning to sort out school bag, preschool bag, get the kids out of the door, do a double drop off and speed to work, pack as much in as I can before I speed back to do double pick-up, reading, homework, wiping bottoms and noses, trying to do some housework, cooking tea, getting the washing on, and then he saunters back in again to his tea cooked.

None of this is his fault. I chose to work like this and not do after school childcare etc. Does it stop me being resentful? Does it bollocks.

Lady I know, I used to travel with work pre-DC and I generally hated it.

BUT - when you are a SAHP, especially with non-sleeping children, and what you crave more than anything on earth is a little time to yourself and some freedom - then even a boring work trip to dullsville sounds fabulous because you might actually get to be alone to go to the toilet and walk upright

sadly - I think it is only fair of your DH to try not to moan about going.

Well yes I know all that. Seriously.
I also know that travelling for work will mean very different things depending of what sort of travel.

But when you have done lots of it, you are less keen and you can start seeing all the drawbacks.

Staying at home and thinking he has a hell of a time (whether it is true or not) isn't going to help.

yy to spending the evening on your own. DP has been travelling a lot when the dcs were little. 7 days out of 14 he was away... For 6 years....
but I have never treated his travel any different than his day work when he had to stay late. It wouldn't have been fair on him (and on me, if I wanted to keep my own sanity)

I can see that going away on your own for a weekend isn't the right answer. But what about visiting family or friends for a weekend and taking the baby with you. And doing it once a month regularly. Book a night out once a week something that you're interested in - how about a night class of something?

Ali that's why I always ensured I had a bit of time for myself on my own doing something I loved during the weekend.

Leige - is there room in your budget for a cleaner? When on earth do you do housework in among that lot?!

Do you have a good babysitter?

I think the best thing to counteract the dh is so lucky feeling is just to have someone else that can step in, that your dc really like, and you get a rest.

Go out to dinner, have a whole day break.

The travel for work thing is quite hard work. I did it on the weekend, and hotel rooms are no where near as nice as being at home (even luxury ones). And my trip was a really lovely one, with interesting things and people. But the hotel and airports and just the general travel is tiring. Made me realise that travel for work is really full on. And it's so nice to get home.

Lady - Yes I completely get that it's work not fun. I know it's not the same as a holiday. Thing is, when I'm tired at the end of the day he could be in a motel in Shitsville and my overactive, jealous imagination would still have me picturing this 5 star luxury lifestyle and being awful about it.

I wish I could keep my rational head on at all times

Oh, and Cailin, DH is also in academia so I know what you mean there. There is usually an opportunity for him to catch up with old (often mutual) friends etc. Next trip is a management type thing though with the emphasis on the luxury element

I understand how you feel, but - this is to the benefit of your DH's career, if you are working PT or not at all, then his is the main income for the family, what's good for his career is good for the whole "team". It's not a "boys' jolly", it's a work thing. Yes, he'll have the perks of a nice bed, and nice food, but he will miss you all, those hotels are great when you've got someone to share them with, but eating alone isn't fun. If you've got to work long hours, then it's just a place to sleep, not getting to make the most of the hotel.

If you couldn't have a trip away, could you have a day out on your own? I think for balance, you need a 'treat' built into the family budget, a day off or two might be just what you need, something to look forward too.

And before I went all I could think about was the breakfast in a hotel without a toddler wandering off to look at croissants. But then the coffee wasn't great and I did miss the dc.

I know what a whinge. But really book something luxurious near you for the morning whatever, do something that feels as nice without hideous Stansted and small airplane seats.

sadly I know :)
That's why I have been trying to give you all the bad sides of it. So you can think about them when you start to resent him because he isn't there.

Personally, I would dread a full weekend of 'management stuff'

Lots of x-posts there..

Unfortunately we don't really have local support. When DH is away it's really all down to me to make sure the wheels stay firmly on.

As I keep saying I do realise that it's an unhelpful attitude I have - I wish I could really appreciate the boredom etc. side to it when it really counts. The rant has helped though and I really appreciate knowing I'm not the only one who feels it.

Thanks Lady - I'll work at it. Really I will!!

Oh yes the small seats on airplanes.... I got jealous of DP travelling business class (and conveniently forgetting it is a 20 hours flight and the straight to work for a full day regardless of the 8 hours jet-lag...).
When I remembered, it didn't feel that good!

Actually, could you plan some nice things for when he's away? Book a babysitter and have a night out with other mummy friends? Arrange for family to visit? Plan to eat food he doesn't like etc.

It is fairly normal to feel like this sometimes I'd say. Just feeling trapped a bit with dc.

I did feel this once when I knew dh was at a great party with everything paid, and I was stuck at home. I wanted to say, ok not home tonight too.

But the thing that has helped a lot is getting 4 different babysitters on board so we can always book an evening out when something comes up.

Although dc2 is 2.5 and for the first year and a half it was pretty much impossible.

Thing is - I guess I've sunk so much of me into the family I can't really see what else there is. I meet friends occasionally but always for child-based socialising. My own family are not local and we're not particularly close emotionally either. I think I've probably allowed myself to become a bit isolated over recent years and now DH career is taking off I feel pretty inadequate.

I get that travel for work can mean a million different things. But conferences in my old industry were tremendous fun. Additionally, there were loads of fabulous trips for 'bonding', legitimately referred to as jollies. I have a friend who gave up working in the same business to do stuff at home; meanwhile her DH accrued seniority and the accompanying increase in frequency & quality of jollies. She managed to be cool about it for 5 years or so, then became increasingly ... until she exploded! After this, he specifically requested her presence on the more exciting trips, triggering a rash of similar requests :) Before long, partners were invited on about half the trips at his level and she had a wonderful time.

Of course you're envious, Sadly, and it's insensitive of people to say "They're not that much fun really", if you know you'd be enjoying it were you there! I think all you can do is formulate some compensation as efficiently as you can. How long before you'll feel okay about leaving your youngest? What childcare & home care cover can you arrange? Work it out really properly with DH. In the very short term, could you express for 36 hours, say, and bugger off to read a book in a comfy B&B for two days? Medium term, get your cover lined up and take some really nice mini-breaks with DH.

If nothing else, this is showing you how much attention you need to give your "you" life for the duration of your years at home ... Wishing you the best!

Sadly a lot of sense talked above. Is there anyone that can come stay with you to keep you company?

A couple of years ago DD (at the time 13) was away for 3 weeks (I'm a single parent).

The DH of a friend of mine was working in Brussels from Mon to Thurs around the same time (for about 5 months I think).

Normally I'd see her once every 6 months on a big night out (she had 2 aged 2 and 4 at the time), but for 3 Wednesdays in a row I took a bag of clothes to work and went home to her house - to a cooked dinner and two cuddly boys who were all over me (and left her alone for a change!)

We then did bedtime and opened some lots of wine, and chatted for hours. I then went to work the following morning (slightly hungover). It was brilliant! (for both of us, we still talk about it fondly!)

Yes - maybe I should consider even just buggering off for a night in a hotel locally where I can get a good nights sleep and some peace. Even if I feed DC before I leave and hot foot it back in the morning!!

I do wish I could be more selfless.

Not sure how this will help but at least you have no worries about him cheating when he is away. I know someone who works abroad and cheats on their spouse with dozens of women.

I think you have to, and the more you do it the easier it becomes to just switch off from family life and really relax.

Longer term - travelling together more is something I've always wanted us to do. Travel is important to me. Thing is I worry I'm even going to sour that by getting all snidy about the fact that DH has already been to a lot of the places I'd love to visit and that travel itself has lost its shine for him.

I know how you are feeling. Dh used to travel a lot and I know he hated it. I hated feeling dull, stuck at home, boring....just because he was on a business class flight going somewhere overseas and a lush hotel. I know he hated it.

How I dealt with it in the end was always, always having something for me planned for whilst he was away...so a girlfriend coming over, a trip to my mum's, a babysitter so I could have a meal with my sister, a mobile manicure coming to the house in the evening, a film he would hate and a curry that would be too hot for him.. I tried not to do too much as one time I did kind of "over-book" myself so by the time he got back all I wanted was a night in front of the television on my own watching Come Dine with Me.

Record rubbish tat on the television you wouldn't watch with him (only time I have every watch Gypsy Wedding). Plan what you are going to eat (even if just ready meals) so you don't just have toast. And get some treats in. Whatever takes you fancy - a slobby night in PJsa trashy novel and a whole pack of doritos to yourself - whatever. Stuff maybe you haven't done since single nights in IYSWIM. Make it an event. Make it something that will make you smile.

At least this way you may still feel pangs of jealousy/pissed-off-ness but it does somehow lessen it - just knowing you are not just collapsing on the sofa bereft each evening.