Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Jealous of DH

107 replies

sadlyunreasonable · 19/10/2012 13:08

OK, first let me point out that I feel terrible about the following problem. I know I?m being unreasonable but can?t seem to help the way I feel. Would love some advice as to how to deal with it?

I am currently on ML after DC4 although I usually work PT since DC3 arrived.
DH has always travelled occasionally with his work and in the past when I?ve been working full time I?ve really struggled to juggle everything when he is away as my job was not geared up to being able to do all of the pickups/drop offs etc alone. I really expected to find it so much better when my workload decreased (now not working at all, of course). However, the practical difficulties have been replaced by problems I?ve created.

The last time he went away DC4 was 8 weeks old and he went to the US for a week. I completely went to pieces. From a practical point of view I was fine but I was completely taken over by jealousy and resentment. All I could think about was DH being jetted off to see a new part of the world, being wined and dined and (best of all) getting full nights sleep in a posh hotel. I, meanwhile, was getting no sleep with a newborn and a sleep-defying toddler and generally running myself ragged. I know that in truth he?d rather have been with us, but I couldn?t seem to see past my resentment, which really came between us for a while. I realise it?s not DH?s fault and feel so sorry for him.

Fast-forward to last night. Turns out he?s been dreading talking to me about a conference he?s been invited to. It?s being held at a luxury spa hotel with fine dining each evening. I really don?t know what to say. I don?t want to hold his career back but don?t want to say it?s fine and then explode at him later.

As I said above, I realise that I?m being selfish and horrible about this. I just wondered if there were any suggestions as to how I can learn to deal with it a bit better. I adore my kids and am so happy to have the opportunity to spend this time with them. I was the main breadwinner after DC1 and 2 and could not afford more than 10 weeks off after either of them. I just wish I wasn?t such a green-eyed monster over this travel thing. DH says that if it?s going to be a problem for me he?ll not go and will try and pick out trips in the future that I can tag along on, but I really don?t know if this is going to be possible (financially or practically), and I so don?t want to damage his career.

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 19/10/2012 21:21

I agree with Alwaysinwonder , you said what I was trying to say much better!

LiegeAndLief · 19/10/2012 21:34

Ha ha Alibaba, good question! To be fair I do have two days a week when I'm just at home with dd but even so it never really seems to get done... I'll be earning a little bit more in January so I have thought about getting a cleaner.

This thread is really reminding me of a friend of mine who is mostly SAHM with three dc under 5. Her dh works ft. She works for a few hours on a Saturday morning when he takes all three dc out. Apparently everyone thinks he is utterly wonderful for doing this. But essentially he is enabling her to work by looking after the kids - she does this for him every fucking day! He's lovely and a great dad and of course it's not his fault that he gets this reaction, but it's a very prevalent view point and it drives me insane. I know lots of well educated intelligent women and they are all the default carer who rush around taking care of everything regardless of employment situation.

OP, I'm really sorry, I don't know what to suggest because I know it can be hard to get away from a bf baby. Maybe you could take more time out at the weekend to go and get your hair cut, have a massage or meet up with a friend for coffee or something?

Almostfifty · 19/10/2012 22:03

I've been through this and come out the other side.

You will too. Honestly.

Once you get over the jealousy bit you'll realise that your DH would much, much rather be with you and your family. That the hotel life palls very, very quickly and family life is much more interesting.

It sounds like you're going to try to make your time alone more fun, I hope you manage to!

Bonsoir · 20/10/2012 21:35

OP - I know it's too late and all that, but why, oh why, did you have four children if you value your freedom to travel so much?

Yama · 20/10/2012 21:41

Not helpful Bonsoir.

I could happily have 4 children as a freedom loving person. That is, if my partner parented them equally.

Goalposts change.

Honestly Bonsoir, if you read this whole thread and thought that the most useful thing you could write is "OP - I know it's too late and all that, but why, oh why, did you have four children if you value your freedom to travel so much?" then you are both unkind and obtuse.

Bonsoir · 20/10/2012 23:33

No - not unkind. The OP needs to ask herself that question. People cannot "have it all" and do it all simultaneously, and young children curtail freedom (unless you neglect them). I think that the OP is displacing blame here onto her husband.

FishfingersAreOK · 20/10/2012 23:50

Bonsoir what do you suggest? She puts them back?

Bonsoir · 21/10/2012 00:06

No - that she learns to accept that they curtail her freedom but that is not her husband's or her children's fault and that being envious of her husband's lifestyle is pointless.

Numberlock · 21/10/2012 06:54

The husband doesn't seem to have had his freedom curtailed too much though does he?

But I've never really understood that notion anyway. Yes it needs more planning but I've got 3 sons and still manage an annual girls weekend away, nights out, to travel regularly with work and as my boys have got older I take them to all sorts of places with me, individually and together.

The difference being that their father does half the parenting.

gimmecakeandcandy · 21/10/2012 07:07

I understand it is hard, I really do as my dh is also away a lot at times and I am left with the children and don't have any family close to help... BUT, I can't help feeling really sorry for your dh who must really dread having to tell you anything. You need to really bite your lip and stop this as it is not good for you or him and yes, it is a horrible way to act and be! Sorry, I am not going to dress this post up and be all twee, you don't need that! You need to look at how blessed you are with your dh having a good job, you have the children you chose to have and you are able to work part time. You must be more supportive to your dh as currently your attitude is damaging for everyone. Good luck x

mamapower · 21/10/2012 07:12

I'm sorry that's how you are feeling. I am going to say the following because I speak with experience. My DH works away from home for up to 5 months at a time. I could get jealous that he's away leaving me to look after baby, or, and suggest this is what you do, just accept that it's a means to end. He's not doing it to be away from you, or piss you off, or any other reason other than, it's his job. It pays the mortgage, the bills and most importantly affords you the luxury, that a lot of women would die for, to be a SAHM.
I miss my DH terribly and it's tough. In your case though you are only talking very very short bursts of time, a week here or there, when I am faced with months as are many wives that support husbands who work away o/s for long periods. In order to survive these times you have to be positive, focus on the end goal, plan a lovely night for his return, Skype if possible or at least talk frequently. Remember, it's his job, not a holiday and if the truth be known, he'd much rather be at home with you.

Is there a support thread for women in our position?

gimmecakeandcandy · 21/10/2012 07:14

I don't know why bonsoir is getting such a hard time for stating a very true fact, the op chose to have four children and children (be it one or four) will curtail your freedom for a time, that is the way it is and how it should be as they need us there and life does get put on hold when they are very young. Too many people expect life to stay the same, it doesn't and it can't - although yes, it can be very very hard and frustrating!

Numberlock · 21/10/2012 07:19

Yes but the oldest child is 16!

AlwaysInWonder · 21/10/2012 09:32

I think Bonsoir both has a point and misses the point completely.

It is obvious that having children will curtail your freedom and that there is no point being jealous of your DH work (incl if it goes with travelling for work to 'nice' places)

BUT this is the point of the OP is it? Her issue is that she never has that opportunity herself because all the childcare responsibility is on her shoulders and none of it is on her DH shoulders. The issue isn't about being jealous of her DH travelling, it's about the fact it is assumed she is always there for the dcs. Which means her H 'freedom' has been curtailed much much less than hers.

I agree with Number that there is a need of a better distribution of 'freedom' and 'responsibility' so that both partners can have some time for themselves. Not about your life not changing at all after having children.

Perhaps instead of the DH being 'worried' to tell her he is going away he might want to see why it is an issue for her and then give her some time off, support etc...? Just an idea.

wordfactory · 21/10/2012 10:50

But is going on business trips really 'freedom'? Isn't it just work? The way I see it neither parent is 'free' post DC.

Bonsoir · 21/10/2012 10:56

wordfactory - "freedom" is a perception rather than any kind of objective measure. I think I have the good fortune to be free to stay at home and take care of my family. My best friend thinks she has the good fortune to be free to pursue her career in Asia and work 24/7.

Numberlock · 21/10/2012 10:58

Yes but by her own admission, the OP says she has become a bit isolated and has no part of her life away from children.

She deserves this, irrespective of what her husband's work involves.

Leftwingharpie · 21/10/2012 10:58

Oh come off it you lot, business trips only become boring and tiresome and lonely if you do them all the time. No one is bored and resentful on their first business trip and unless you do them regularly, they are almost always enjoyable to some extent. I certainly miss travelling for work since I moved into the public sector. Ultimately OP is craving some time to herself and a break away from the daily grind and that's perfectly reasonable, even with four children.

OP you have my sympathy. Modern life is very isolating for a lot of women, myself included. I don't know what the solution is but watching Gypsy weddings while eating hotter curry than your absent partner would care for while the kids are in bed is no substitute for a social life.

Bonsoir · 21/10/2012 11:03

I don't think that's true! I hated business travel with a vengeance (and I got to go to lots of very glamorous places!).

Numberlock · 21/10/2012 11:04

I think it depends on the job, the company travel rules and the work you do when you get there.

Bonsoir · 21/10/2012 11:07

In my first job (many years ago) I got to travel regularly in private aeroplanes (proper ones, not silly little executive jets) and chauffeur-driven cars and stay in 5* hotels in Monaco and Geneva and London and eat in amazing restaurants. Frankly, it all wears off very quickly and I have never, ever missed it! I like being at home with my family at night, not in a hotel.

AlwaysInWonder · 21/10/2012 11:12

Bonsoir I like your definition of freedom.
I think the OP should have the freedom to 'pop to the shop' during the weekend wo having to think about who is going to look after the dcs.
Especially because that's what she would like to do some time to time.

Re travel, well I think we all have the freedom to enjoy them or not Wink.
The fact the OP's DH is going away for work (and that he might enjoy it too) and that, on a rational level, she should not be bothered by it, hasn't been lost on the OP either. She knows it but she doesn't feel like it because the issue isn't actually about travelling

Leftwingharpie · 21/10/2012 11:22

Alwaysinwonder that's spot on - there's no point arguing whether or not we like business trips, that's not the point.

FishfingersAreOK · 21/10/2012 11:36

Gypsy Weddings and a hot curry is no substitute for a social life. It is no substitution for missing your husband when he is away from home. It is however a suggestion of how to try and find some ways of not exacerbated the jealousy - eg by having a grabbed piece of toast and collapsing on the sofa after a day of feeling resentful. It is a night in on your own. You can either mope into it. Or try and think positively. The OP asked for ways to help deal with what she knows is unreasonable jealousy. Bashing her life choices is not helping her. Making her feel even more pissed off is not helpful. She has admitted she needs to look at the balance of her/DH but also she needs to look at her post ML choices.

handbagCrab · 21/10/2012 12:35

I think it's all about perception. My dh is off to training next week, it sounds horrendous in terms of the travelling. However, it's the opportunity he has to develop his career, to meet interesting people, to develop himself that I think is the key, not really what he does or where he is going. I don't get this anymore through work as I'm pt and my career has stopped for now. It's hard not to be envious of the opportunity, regardless of the minutae not being amazing or whatever.

We have 1 dc and very little support but I do a course one night a week which is my chance to develop and dh does nursery pick up and bed time. I'm not there and can't help so he just has to get on with it. Your eldest is 16 you say, would she not be able to babysit for you on nights so you can get out and do stuff? And then your dh could do some stuff when he's at home too. And you need to work on not feeling responsible for them when you are not there :)