domestic violence - seen by my son

[awana]

Been thrown / shoved across the room tonight by DH for closing his computer when I tried to talk to him and he ignored/ shouted at me. 2nd time onto DS who is 3 and witness everything. Of course he was very upset. I dn't think he was hurt though.

It hasn't happened often, but DS's done physical abuse once before. It's mainly been mental abuse - difficult for me because he meanness effects my health. Tried to call Women's aid and all they have said to do is go to a refuge. i've got a severe bed / house bound disability, so it will be impossible to maintain this in the long term by myself and DS. Any big emotinal jolt will cause me to get worse right now.

DH did apologise, but then tried to blame me for goading him into this, and then said I lost my temper so I deserved it (I didn't x2).

Don't know what to do...any hints on encouragin a DH to leave?!

Should i call police and log it? I'm concerned about my DS having seen this (it's the 2nd time) I dont feel in a position to leave, and don't think it the physical stuff will happen very often, only when he's really narked. He's just not very nice as a person and this has all happened since my DS was born, and my illness came on then as well-he was an absolute nightmare.

He used to be in a 6 figure job, bu has been out of work for the last 2 years and only worked for 5 months in that. Not really tryng to get any work either. It's like he's having a big sulk cos my son was born. He doesn't do much around the house, and spends his time on facebook. we have to get a cleaner in even though we're on the last of our savings!

Told a couple of friends but they chose not to believe me / belittle it - he puts on a really good front and is lovely to everyone. Really gutted as I thought they were good friends.

Sorry about the ramble. Was hoping to get some practical advice. thanks for reading

thanks DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved that's exactly my problem too. I was just in tears wondering how I was going to cope as my mum has decided to go away for the weekend as 'she can't cope'. She's left my dad 84 with mild alzeimers to help! it's as though she is forcing me to ask DH for help, as she knows that I will have a relapse if I don't... or that her help is conditional, and will only be in place if I get back together with him.

I find it hard to ask people as I am relatively new to the area, and haven't been out enough to make good enough friends.

Will call them when feeling a little stronger..at least I know there's some help for me.

HissyByName + Jux - you know what I keep thinking that it's me and I'm being mean about my Mum, my sister is very worried about her etc etc but she's always been the favourite. As to my mum, I think just everything's got to be about her the whole time. even when I can't walk or cook for myself!

No, you're not being mean about your mum. No, no, no, no, no. Please believe that.

Anyone who can not only leave an 84 yo suffering from mild Alzheimer's without help, but expect him to help out his disabled daughter and her child, is not thinking straight. Or doesn't much care. Sorry to be so blunt, but I think you should hear it.

OK, now is the time you need to contact SS and ask for an assessment of need. The sooner you phone the sooner they'll do it, and the sooner you and your ds will be getting the help you need, and the quicker you'll be free of your abusive dh.

Do it first thing.

My love, I know how it feels to think these things about your family, it's a never-ending tide of shockwaves. Your mum has (and always did) let you down, you were used to it, being the 2nd best, and it feels scary and wrong to accept that she did bad things or didn't do enough for you.

The realisation of her actions against you keep coming back and slapping you in the face, you want them to go away, but now you know the truth, they keep coming back.

My mum showed herself when my ex left. We're still talking, but I'm close to resigning my role as scapegoat/black sheep and Fuck up (I'm none of these) she'll cling, manipulate, but I'm resolute. I've got rid of my sister, and my dad. Keeping my mum at arms length but for selfish babysitting reasons for now. But I fear a showdown tomorrow when she comes round. She's invited herself, got permission from her H, so it's not looking good for me.. :(

Please don't lie to yourself, yes it hurts, but the truth is a better way of living than with people who conspire against you.

You're not alone, leaving these people will give more space to fill with lovely people.

Totally agree with Jux, sooner you call them, sooner they'll start helping. It's really important that you aren't practically locked into an existence of being dependent on abusive people - and yes, am counting your mother in that as well as your h.

You can phone the main council number & ask for the adult social services number. Ask for an assessment as you have become disabled & cannot cope with everyday tasks.

If they ask for more details on the phone, don't minimise anything (in my experience they expect people to exaggerate, so if you are busy being stoic they won't hear your need!). Tell them you are isolated, that your only carer is your abusive h & that your relationship is completely broken down & because of your illness you are at risk of more abuse because you cannot escape.

Their hierarchy of needs that they use for assessments give great weight to toileting & showers/ baths. Do not be ashamed of telling them about any difficulties here, or say (as I did not realising the consequences, & had to be reassessed!)... 'oh I'll manage with that type of stuff I just need help with everything else'. I didn't realise that would be interpreted as not needing any help in any area of my life, I meant I would be humiliated by needing help & wanted them to focus on things that were less embarrassing & meant more to me... Like anything that effected my son! A clash of priorities almost stopped me from getting help I needed, which is why am sharing this with you!

Now, tomorrow is a new day, & a very good day to phone social services.

It's there staring at me in the face about my family isn't it. Mum has decided she can only do one day with DS when she gets back. Previous to this, my mum would look after son 2 x week and often ask to see him more.

My sister has told me to stay away from her cos she couldn't cope. She didn't speak to me before this episode for 10 yrs after an arguement, I had to beg her to help me this time, but she can't come round to help on the weekend as she has friends over. She was very eager to come and meet the social worker though.

Both my mum and sis have always been like this with me, but I can't understand how they can stoop so low when I'm clearly disabled and have a young son. Especially when mym mum seems to like DS so much. the mind boggles.

Wierd thing is that the only thing she was happy to do was to go shopping for me even though I didn't want her to. It's weird she's always been such a feeder, strange to use food as a weapon. She forced me to take 3 tubs of icecream and numerous cakes even though I was having problems adjusting blood sugar levels.

Yesterday talked to a mum friend and she gave me a hug. It's the first time anyone has done this since it happened. It's been about a week now apart from hugs from my son.

Enough about my mum, I called SS for myself, and yes underplayed it, like Jux did - just asked for meals, but will asked for more when I am assessed. SS for DS are also coming on Monday.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved - what kind of help can you ask for for your child? I'm scared of asking in case they decide that I can't cope / unfit mother. I know its not true but this still lingers in the back of my head.

I asked my cleaning lady if she knew of anyone and she offered for the weekend. Not the perfect solution, but at least some respite. She's had some au pair work and babysitting. She can be a bit moody, but I suppose it's ok for the moment.

Ps, DH has also asked for access to DS who this morning woke and asked for daddy to come home. Did feel as though I wasn't going to be able cope any more at that point...but I guess I'm feeling a bit stronger after a rest

OMG, just found emails from sister to DH, so they've been colluding about everything. Sick to my stomach.

Print stuff out like this so you know you can keep it as a record if needed.

Sorry that you are having to deal with all your DS's up and down feelings (which are to be expected) alone. But you will find better support than your mum and sister. Both have let you down big time.

Awana, you mentioned upthread that you are n Camden. You might want to get in touch with this organisation I know of called DISC (Disability in Camden). Amongst other things, they offer an advocacy service and might be able to support you through the ss assessment. You can phone them on 020 7387 1466.

Oh stopcallingmefrank, that sounds absolutely what awana needs!

Hi all, just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse. I found this emai from DH to senior SS:

I've had a chat with [awana]'s family about your comment on 'not pussyfooting around' and telling [awana] directly what they think - there's agreement that this is the right thing to do. the suggestion is that we all have a meeting with [awana] on Monday to have a frank talk about what needs to be done. So, the questions are:

• Is this infact a good idea or will it just disrupt what you are already doing?
• Would we be able to have some one from Social Services there in the (highly likely) event that it gets out of hand?
• Is there any kind of mental health support available if she 'reacts badly'

Obviously he's been priming SS. I don't know how to react. I still have tomorrow to get the injunction out, so I don't think I have a choice now. you guys were right. I can't beleive it. Sorry to download all my sadness onto you, but I just don't know how to cope with it.

oh goodness awena this sounds awful. are you OK? am really worried about you

ContactSS.yourself;tell.them.that.youWILL.NOT.ACCEPT.a.meeting.with.this.man.
You.don't.have.to.see.him.or.your.family.against/your.will.Even.if.you.have.MH.issues,you.are.an.adult,and.no.HCP.will.allow.family.members.to.insist.on.seeing.someone.who.they.dislike.and.reject.
(sorry.my.space.bar.broken.)

Omg op, he has reported YOU to SS?
What a complete arsehole, he's the one with MH issues not you!
What are you going to do?
Please don't let him get away with this!
They will soon see through him for what he really is, a spineless abusive, evil man.
Your family needs to get on YOUR side too.

There is a lot I could say about the law around disabled parents BUT the main thing to know is that... they cannot take away your child just because you are disabled. please bear this in mind whatever else is going on. And you need to get your illness recognised and as top priority in this conversation between you & social services (& your awful awful family).

Keep repeating to anyone who will listen - i am disabled, i need help from adult social services. I am happy to work with children's services, but until adult social services have done an assessment and my needs as a disabled parent supported its not appropriate to move ahead. (or something like that).

You need to STOP minimising your illness and stop asking for specific services as the hierarchy of needs the council use as a diagnostic tool is not obvious, and you may be doing your case harm!!! talk about your needs, not solutions, and be honest! be open to any help they are offering and don't turn it down, even if you are not sure if it will help - you need to accept everything.

The council have a Duty Of Care to Support Your Parenting Needs... and its only after they have assessed your needs, put support in place that fulfils those needs and then, if they still have concerned they can start a children's services assessment of whether your child is in need.

If they have NOT supported your parenting needs it is in fact the council itself that is neglecting your child, not you as a disabled person asking for help. BUT unless you make a big noise about your illness, this will not happen!

This is a KEY PHRASE "A Duty Of Care to Support Your Parenting Needs"

and also LISTEN TO SOLIDGOLDBRASS (ignore caps, sorry!)

sorry... one final message re Supporting Your Parenting Needs

A lot of councils are not aware/ turn a blind eye to this duty, as apparently there aren't many disabled parents asking for help (hummm).

I have had to lead my council by the nose through the process and it took a lot of effort and meetings and me being patient and yet not moving my stance, for them to understand it is Adult Social Services who are responsible for supporting your needs as a disabled parent (not children's services although fine if they willing to help without first classifying your son as 'in need').

My council were even pushing me to agree my child was 'at risk of unintentional neglect'... as 'what would happen if i fell and there was no one there and then DS needed feeding'. My response 'well that would only happen if you had not supported me with my disability, so is MY need, not my childs need. Deal with my needs first, as if my needs as a parent are satisfied, then DS will have no needs'. full stop. repeat.

BUT after being calm and firm, they awarded me direct payments, measured in 'hours' of care (well gave me very closed monitored money to employ my own care).

It includes some hours of respite (resting), some hours of supporting parenting help (someone to be around to help me look afar DS, not just take him off me and replace me), and lots of other hours to help with my needs as someone who is very ill.

thanks all.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved - great practical and common sense advice. It makes me feel so much more in control when I have a something that they can understand as a methodical process, otherwise it's probably me wailing and crying to them which would be worse, and knacker me out. I feel like i've done enough of that for a lifetime.

it's hard not to get carried away with this rollercoaster of emotions. firstly will try and find from family what they have said to him, it maybe that they said something that waas manipulated by him.

SS are doing an initial assessment on monday, so i'm not too sure why he wants to jump in there. they're going to have to talk to him as well.

looked through notes from my hospital for my illness and got at least 2 years of me saying that there are problems within the relationship and it's effecting my illness. that's great back up in any case.

Get those DISC people involved. Make them the first phone call in the morning.

That man and your family are disgusting individuals, sorry to say, but they are. We knew he was, otherwise you'd be happy, but they! They have no excuse. Vile, horrible people.

Solicitor. Get a free half hour with a shit hot family law specialist.

Horrified and shocked at your treatment. Hope the advice you've got herer goes half an inch towards making up for them. Oh, I am so angry on your behalf.

Hi Awana

I've been reading your thread and don't have any advice to add as the lovely mums netters have given you some sound advice already. I did however want to say I do hope things get better for you. Hang in there and stay strong and you will get through this x

all, just wanted to let you know that my heads in a slightly better place (although my problems are still the same!) as I've got great help from the fab DPN and you're right, I found allies in places where I completely didn't expect to find.

Just cut out 2 abusive people - mum on a holiday + I told my sis that I couldn't talk to her as I couldn't trust her. Her 'thing about fairness' means that she has to relay every single thing to DH, and it appears to be a one way traffic. She believes that sh'es too intellectually astute (a part time prof) to be manipulated.

DH came to collect his stuff today and I left it outside the flat so he has no more excuses to come here.

DH has tried to use his connections to go over local senior management in the SS to swoop on me and take DS, but not a word of it yet. I guess that's happening monday...have been advised to get an advocate for that.

DS was so upset as read him the book 'Hug' where the little monkey is looking for his mum, and I just thought I can't be ill any more because of an abuser. It's not fair on DS or me.

It was another completely crazy day emotionally. The futures pretty bleak - skint single disabled mum cut off from family but actually I am secretly relieved and even happy at the thought. I just have to make the SS believe me with regards to DS.

Feel strong now, but will prob be a wreck again tmrw! thanks all x

He.can't.just'take'.your.DS.Especially.not.when.you.have.made.official.complaints.of.abuse.
TBH.right,now.there.is.a.whole.national.mood.of.LISTENING.to.victims.of.abuse.so.your.H.is.not.going.to.be.able,to.set.himself.up.as.Mr.Perfect.

And.he's.NOT.behaving.like.a.caring.partner.anyway.(I.don't.know.what.your.disability.is.and.am.not,asking,and.not.implying.that.it.is.MH,either)WHATEVER.your.issue,even.if.it.is.MH,a.caring.partner,would.not.be.intent.on.getting.his.own.way,he.would.be.backing.off.and.wishing.you.well,from.a.distance.HCPS.generally.listen.to.patients.and.even.if.the.patient.is.clearly.mentally.ill,they.will.not.force.the.patient,to.have.contact.with.someone.the.patient.doesn't.want.to,see.as.this.is.harmful.to.the.patient.

SW are used to abusive people trying to manipulate them - they see it ALL the time. Please try not to worry - the fact that he is trying to bend them to his will too (which is what he is trying to do) will have been noted.

If anything he won't have helped himself at all. As for his connections.... Pfft. Even if he has them noone in SS works alone, every decision is checked and re-checked by a minimum of two people, there is simply no scope for a connection of his to make a decision and enforce it without someone else questioning it.

Also - SW can't just take children. An Emergency Protection Order has to be granted by a Judge first, and then the Police remove the child, not SS, although they would be present. The child is then passed to SS but SW do NOT have the legal right to take your child from your home. They know this and would never try - but just in case he tells you they can/might/will I thought you needed to know they can't and won't.

To be clear - only the Police can remove a child.

I really hope you get the support you need.

LOL at your sis thinking she is too clever to be manipulated. You are so right to stop contact with her.

OK in the future you might be skint, single and disabled, but you can also be free of abuse and in charge of your destiny.

Yes, get an advocate for Monday, if poss. You are going down the right path.