domestic violence - seen by my son

[awana]

Been thrown / shoved across the room tonight by DH for closing his computer when I tried to talk to him and he ignored/ shouted at me. 2nd time onto DS who is 3 and witness everything. Of course he was very upset. I dn't think he was hurt though.

It hasn't happened often, but DS's done physical abuse once before. It's mainly been mental abuse - difficult for me because he meanness effects my health. Tried to call Women's aid and all they have said to do is go to a refuge. i've got a severe bed / house bound disability, so it will be impossible to maintain this in the long term by myself and DS. Any big emotinal jolt will cause me to get worse right now.

DH did apologise, but then tried to blame me for goading him into this, and then said I lost my temper so I deserved it (I didn't x2).

Don't know what to do...any hints on encouragin a DH to leave?!

Should i call police and log it? I'm concerned about my DS having seen this (it's the 2nd time) I dont feel in a position to leave, and don't think it the physical stuff will happen very often, only when he's really narked. He's just not very nice as a person and this has all happened since my DS was born, and my illness came on then as well-he was an absolute nightmare.

He used to be in a 6 figure job, bu has been out of work for the last 2 years and only worked for 5 months in that. Not really tryng to get any work either. It's like he's having a big sulk cos my son was born. He doesn't do much around the house, and spends his time on facebook. we have to get a cleaner in even though we're on the last of our savings!

Told a couple of friends but they chose not to believe me / belittle it - he puts on a really good front and is lovely to everyone. Really gutted as I thought they were good friends.

Sorry about the ramble. Was hoping to get some practical advice. thanks for reading

please please please just keep your self and your son safe sweetie, plan a way to get out and do it believe me doing it is the hard part but there will be light at the end of the tunnel and please listen to your son - he speaks words of wisdom

As the police are being bloody useless in your case you could go the civil route and apply for injunctions to get him out of the house and away from you. Call NCDV and they will guide you through the process and put you in touch with a suitable local solicitor. I know you are bedbound but these things can still be achieved. There is a much lower level of evidence required in civil courts than in criminal courts. I have helped many women gain injunctions and ime you will be granted one. It's especially disappointing that the police were crap with you because they should know that rates of DV are about 7x higher amongst victims with disabilities than in the general population.

If/when you are contacted by SS do ask for their help. It is child abuse for children to observe their parents being violent. But Ss will want to keep you and your son together without your H being around. They should try to get you outside agency help.

Totally agree.

Fuck your mum off too! Useless lump! Your family is supposed to be supportive..
Pack HIS bags and stick them outside the door. If he comes back shouting the odds or being threatening .. :( .. so worried for you with no support..
SS are the best place to start with getting support to help you to end this, at least there will be a support network there, with kindness and care, that you and DS deserve.

Please post back and definitely do not hesitate to call the police if he comes back and speaks to you with anything but 100% respect.

((hugs))

YOu can apply for an occupation order and a non-molestation order to keep this man out of the house and away from you. He does not have superpowers or rights of ownership over you, and you will not be forced to accept him back into the house permanently when you have made formal complaints of his violence and are afraid of him doing you further harm.

I agree SGB but if its their house/ he pays the mortgage and he can't go anywhere else what then? x Not being fastidious just wondering, if he doesn't have relatives to stay with ect..
I don't know having never been married and always had my own place so no problem kicking someone tfo lol

He just has to find somewhere, then over the longer term the financial/ownership issues can be sorted. If you marry then property becomes joint.

Hi, thanks for all the msgs and advice. Feeling pretty rotten today so great to hear from you all

we own the hse in joint names, so he still has the right to enter. Apparently he promised the police that he would stay away last night (he did) and speak to me before returning to the house.

Having lied to the police I realise that he won't punish me by shouting etc, he's just going to continue gaslighting and lying - punishing me that way. Making out that i'm agressive, and attacking him etc.

My mum saw a bit of light. Although she completely refused to talk abut it, she did ask how I was later, although quickly change the subject, and she did help look after DS.

Also remember that the police man said that I could get an injunction but it would be very final and I should really thing about this as DH was because he was basically my carer and I would have a hard time finding a replacement. I asked him if I should carry on living with an abuser in this case!

DS still doesn't want daddy home. I know he's going to try and manipulate any separation to have DS though, saying I;m not fit to be a mother, disabled etc.

typically he uses my illness against me until I am too sick to cope, worried how he will be as he will be back today.

going to rest now while I can - will write more later.

Goodness I'm amazed at the shit response from the police (and everyone else in RL actually). You will be able to find another carer, you are absolutely right that you don't need an abuser as your carer!

I hope you get some positive help from someone soon.

at the police officer's advice. Presumably he advises rape victims to marry their attacker as no one else will want them now? What?

I don't see how he can have it both ways - ie arguing that you are too sick to look after your DS and also that you are attacking him and aggressive. Stick to your guns. Pursue getting advice from Women's Aid, CAB, any agencies that will help.

Where are you based?

A violent man can be forcibly removed from the family home and forbidden to return, even if his is the only name on the mortgage.

I think you would have good cause for making a complaint against the police officer who told you that you have to put up with this man's abuse of you because you are disabled. It's not true.

If you're not sure what SS can help with, it is worth contacting the Disabled Parents Network. They give free advice/support. I think there's a helpline on their website.

Just because you have a disability, and your DP chooses to help you, does not give him the right to treat you badly. My DP gets upset sometimes & frustrated at the help I need (related to my disab') after he's already had a busy day at work, but it is rare & he would never shove/hurt me in that way. You do not deserve to be treated that way (& nor does your DS).

"ust got a call from the police saying they couldn't charge him cause he was 'defending himself against me' and feared for his life"

Have the police questioned you as a witness? Have they spoken to your son?

(((Hugs))) op
You don't have to put up with this, make a complaint about the police officer and phone all the agencies you can think off.

It's complete bull you don't have to have your DH as a care because you are disabled!!! Once split up from him you may be entitled to a carer in the community.

Whatever you do don't stay with this man, even if it means going to a refuge for a short while.
Because you have a child under 18, your dh can be forcibley removed from your home as you and your child are allowed to live in that home until your ds reaches 18.

Get an hour free with a solicitor too, find out where you stand. Also gather a 'leaving bag' with all the things you need for you and your ds, including a cheapie mobile phone so you can get out quick and phone family etc-that way DH won't know your new number either.

No-one NEEDS to stay with an abusive man, no-one !

Hi Thanks all for your support again.
I've been in bed - v sick with the added stress and trying with little energy to look after DS. DH hasn't been back or called yet. I haven't contacted him either - can't face it at the moment.

ok, well the police called again to see how I was, + was a lot nicer this time - I think he interviewed DH and obviously won him round. DH is great at being diplomatic and comes over as very mild.

Anyway, he said that he had referred me to the DV part of the police who could help. The SS still hadn't been in touch and he said they were pretty rubbish - he thought the Dv unit would be better. I'm in Camden - not sure if anyone has had experience around here?

I think i'm going to try and get as much info from them and get them to help me as i'm having trouble using the phone etc at the moment. tried the injunction place but like most things its the weekend + everything is on hold.

I tried to speak to my sister about it and begged her for help. We got interupted, and then since then she has had her phone switched off. she spoke to my mum and offered to help her, but doesn't want to help me. At least my mum is helping with DS even though she won't help me.

Worried about DS, he's still mentioning it first thing in the morning and throughout the day. Thanks for advice re school - will definitely contact them and HV to let them know about him. also GP. - like you say best for as many people to know what's happening.

I'm becoming irrationally scared - and trying to keep a lid on everything for the sake of my son. in the last 3 years DH has often threatened to get the men in white coats to come and get me, ad he has tried to use SS and the GP against me. I just get terrified that he's going to get me locked away. In reality, DH is probably sulking and licking his wounds, but still....I can see that he would use other forces in his power to keep me controlled. I guess i feel very vulnerable as I'm not just able to walk away (or even get out of the chair!)

Apart from I think that's all I can do. i have contacted a couple of friends but they are away/ busy with new husband/ etc and a couple will contact me in the week - one of them researches DV so hopefully she can point me in the right direction.

Thanks for all of your support. I really wonder how I could cope if there was no internet and no mumsnet! I just wish I had someone in RL who was there for me!

We are here love! Talk to us, call WA if you need a real voice to talk to?

You'll get through this! You really will!

I wish I could come and get you and scoop you all up and bring you to mine. Let him try and fight me, win me round...

Go with the advice - it sounds like you have seen the light with regards to what an evil bastard he is - keep with that thought and take strength from wherever you can.

You're being so brave atm. The service you've received so far has been disgraceful imo. This is a site listing your local non-police DV services who should be able to help you much more effectively.

Camden Safety Net might be another avenue of support too

Hi all, thanks for your messages, feel a bit stronger today thank god. So, I have contacted a DV unit in Camden and also spoken to DS's school and will see GP on his behalf. SS also called and had a lot of advice from them. She also let me know that there are a lot of inconsistencies with what DH told police and what he told them.

God know what he's been saying.

got this email from him which I find hard to stomach.

"To try and resolve the current situation, the advice that I have been given is that we should start with a meeting in a neutral location with family members present. I suggest your mum's house with your parents present (or anyone else that you want to bring) will do. We should do this either tonight or tomorrow - we need to resolve [DS]'s care as an urgent priority.

What I will be looking for is a plan for [DS]'s care and a plan on how to resolve differences between us. From my point of view this means both of us committing to relationship counselling and you to getting psychiatric help. I'm sure you'll have your own items to add to this list.

Please let me know ASAP if you are prepared to do this - If we can't begin to resolve it this way then the only other route would be through social services and law which I don't think would be good for any of us..."

There is absolutely nothing conciliatory and or anything in that email that even wants to make me get back with him! I just feel disgust.

Spoke to the agency about an injunction and was umming and ahhing about it, until I got that email.

Get an injunction urgently, Report the monster to the police and please keep your son away from him. Let him take you to court for access, With a proven history of violence behind him he will get nothing more than supervised access at a contact center.

My DS was 3 when my exDP assaulted me, DS is 10 now and still remembers. You CAN do it alone, if not for you then do it for your child. Make new happy memories together!

thanks sparky vampire. the problems i have are that he got let off - not charged, and he's also been telling everyone that I have psychiatric problems. this now includes my family, the GP, and the SS. how mcuh would these allegations stick?

i know a lot of members on here have had serious problems with their ex-DP's but have ANY of you gone through counselling with DP and returned to a normal relationship?

Go for the injunction. He is trying to intimidate you into thinking that unless you do it his way you will lose out. Has a doctor or psychiatrist ever actually diagnosed you with mental health problems or is this all as described by him to them?