domestic violence - seen by my son

[awana]

Been thrown / shoved across the room tonight by DH for closing his computer when I tried to talk to him and he ignored/ shouted at me. 2nd time onto DS who is 3 and witness everything. Of course he was very upset. I dn't think he was hurt though.

It hasn't happened often, but DS's done physical abuse once before. It's mainly been mental abuse - difficult for me because he meanness effects my health. Tried to call Women's aid and all they have said to do is go to a refuge. i've got a severe bed / house bound disability, so it will be impossible to maintain this in the long term by myself and DS. Any big emotinal jolt will cause me to get worse right now.

DH did apologise, but then tried to blame me for goading him into this, and then said I lost my temper so I deserved it (I didn't x2).

Don't know what to do...any hints on encouragin a DH to leave?!

Should i call police and log it? I'm concerned about my DS having seen this (it's the 2nd time) I dont feel in a position to leave, and don't think it the physical stuff will happen very often, only when he's really narked. He's just not very nice as a person and this has all happened since my DS was born, and my illness came on then as well-he was an absolute nightmare.

He used to be in a 6 figure job, bu has been out of work for the last 2 years and only worked for 5 months in that. Not really tryng to get any work either. It's like he's having a big sulk cos my son was born. He doesn't do much around the house, and spends his time on facebook. we have to get a cleaner in even though we're on the last of our savings!

Told a couple of friends but they chose not to believe me / belittle it - he puts on a really good front and is lovely to everyone. Really gutted as I thought they were good friends.

Sorry about the ramble. Was hoping to get some practical advice. thanks for reading

Do not go to counselling with him, fgs!

Most LAs provide services to help disabled people continue to live in their own homes, particularly when they have children. Ask about it. Services they can provide include shopping, cooking, cleaning, helping with childcare, helping with personal care (getting washing done, washing yourself, etc.). The amount of help you get will be assessed according to your need. Describe your worst day.

Call the SS person you spoke to who said he was inconsistent. Talk to her if you can, and get the low down on all of this.

Are you getting DLA? Claim it. Change your gp.

See a solicitor for a free half hour. Try CAB too.

Call WA again and describe everything.

Oh, log every contact you have with him.
Right now, he's out of the house so take advantage of it.

At the moment you and ds are safe. If you can, relax with that thought.

Wishing you the very best.

Get all the help you need, leave when you get the chance. You don't have to live with this op.
Only he needs phyciatric help not you!

Write him off, he's a nasty vile man that will go on and on and on. He'll abuse your DC too, when they dare to grow up and have an opinion!

No counselling. EVER!

Don't agree to his plan. You don't even need to reply to it, you know - you really don't.

Contact at your mum's seems like a bad idea, considering how destructive SHE is in your life.

There are contact centres. They are neutral. Use them for contact between your DC and H.

He doesn't get to call the shots. You have a voice too, and it deserves to be heard.

Don't want to pry but if you disability is one for which there is a support group can you contact them and ask if they can support you?
Find out about homestart or similar, ask the school, HV, GP, your consultant, friends or acquaintances at the school gates and your local WA group rather than the helpline for support. And the police DV unit.
Don't go near you mum or sister if they are inconsistent or offer only conditional support.
Find out as much info as you can before you reply to him. Going for your weak spots is par for the course with abusers, anyone who is living with an abuser suffers some degree of mental anguish, often very considerable, and I guess living with your condition is no bed of roses either.
He has abused you as his partner, his child by abusing you in front of him and also abused you because of your condition. None of these are acceptable.
There are supportive people out there professionals and friends - keep looking and you'll know them when they appear.

He's saying your Mum 's house, as he knows he has an ally.

Get EVERYONE you can to help, tell everyone what's going on.
they cant hurt you if they're kept away from you.

You will be better off without your hideous familt, and this vile and evil man.

I am really concerned that both the police and the SS have listened to DH when he says that am abusive and need psychiatric help, without hearing my side of things. This is something that he continuues to ssay to everyone who will listen to him. my question is - will this eventually boil down to his word against mine in a court of law etc?

Awana, SS have already said that they find his story inconsistent. It's very common for abusive men to say that their victims are 'mentally ill' and the courts and SS and police DV experts are aware of this.

Something else that is true is: Even if you were to be mentally ill, he is still not your owner and you can refuse to live with him. No one actually has to give any kind of Good Reason to end a relationship and you do not need anyone else's permission to do so.

Send this knob back an email to this effect. 'Our relationship is over, I am taking legal advice and you will be hearing from my solicitors in due course. Until then, please do not contact me.'

Send this knob back an email to this effect. 'Our relationship is over, I am taking legal advice and you will be hearing from my solicitors in due course. Until then, please do not contact me.'

SGB, i like it, i like it a LOT lol

Awana, what an idiot your 'd' h is.. obviously worried about what he is going to lose and who was he trying to bore to death convince with that email.. swallow a dictionary did he?

Chin up sweetie pie xx ((unmumsnetty hugs))

If it goes to court they will do a fact finding thing on any alleged abuse. End of the day, if he feared for his life then 'he' would have called the police would he not, so they know he is a manipulative piece of shit.. he's not going to be the only one like this they have ever dealt with trust me.

Mainly they will just be interested in the needs and wishes of DS, wishes not always being the same as needs they may go against his wishes but that's rare.

How's it going, awana? How are you? How is your ds?

Hi all, just checking in to let you know that i'm fragile but ok.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight - thanks for your advice. i have been to the psychiatrist for my illness every 3 months and he has only commented on reactive depression because of the relationship.

I also have a letter confirming DH tried to interfere with my medical treatment - he tried to tell them I was mad, but they said in the letter that he should get some help as he was not coping with things.

I've thought and thought about it, and you're right. I just don't want to feel this bad anymore. I do feel an enormous sense of relief at the thought of him not being here. just not yet anyway. In a couple of weeks though i'll probably miss him though!

I'm going to check with SS with his threat regarding them taking DS as i'm ill. If that's ok as you suggest it is, I guess the complication is just the assets/ business side which we have tied up together.

On a lighter note I've lots 5lbs in 5 days even though I've been eating, so I guess there is a tiny silver lining in it! Mind you i'd prefer to lose weight in a happier way.

From DS's point of view - he's doing ok, and generally happy. I have spoken to him about eveything and he seems to understand and be ok with things. I have asked him if he wants to see his dad but he;s still
saying 'no'.

My concern is finding him things to do whilst I get better. Half term's going to be tricky!!

In the long term my concern is that I can't give him the active outdoors /adventure etc that he needs. for instance I can't take him on holidays, even to the seaside, or right now even for a walk etc which I am sad about. I guess there is hope for me to get better, so probably taking it one day at a time is best!

Apologies for all the typos in my previous posts and probably future ones, it's all I can do to just get these messages out to you all.

Hugs

just found out that DH has been calling my mum for last 2 nights saying that he loves me very much and misses DS. also found out that mum had a plan to take me to my uncles so that DH can stay with DS at their house. She also said that he could stay at her house whilst he couldn't come here.

I asked her about it and she said that I had to think of the best for the three of us. I think she night be mistaken in her maths cos that just looks like one to me!

I told her that if she was unable to help, I would go to a safe refuge with DS.

You gotta laugh

Well, now you know for sure that your mum is not on your side and can't be trusted. Shame on her. So unfortunately you have to be very careful now about what you let her do, especially with your DS.

On the practical front: can you book him into some local sporty things over half term so he gets to run around at those? Cinemas near us do the £1 showings through half term so that won't be as active but he might enjoy it and it would be more manageable for you. In any case, your son's safety and general wellbeing has to come above the ability of a carer to run about with him. Don't worry about what you can't do - look at what you can offer him.

Your DS is terrified of him, and Grannie of the ffing year wants to put the man that threw his mummy (he ffing daughter) across the room ALONE with him?

Utterly fucking speechless.

Get the hell out, get help from everyone that can help you and NEVER speak to either one of these bastards again.

What utter betrayal.

Don't tell either of them a thing, talk to us. You can honestly trust us.

I'm so sorry, truly I am, but it will be over soob and you will be happy and free.

INform all the healthcare and SS people who you are dealing with at the moment that your mother has taken your abuser's side and therefore is not to be trusted to keep your child safe. Remember that all the professionals are already aware that your H is dishonest and dangerous, and their priority is the wellbeing of DS and you. You can cut your mother right out of your life, refuse to see her and refuse to let her see DS, she has no rights at all over either of you.

Do not believe anything that either she or H say, they are lying and deluded and neither of them can make you do anything against your wishes.
Best of luck.

Get onto SS ASAP. You have nothing to fear with your psychiatrist behind you.

Talk to your SW about Independent Living. When I first got it - where we used to live - they made payments to me to cover something like 5 hours pw care for me and 10 hours pw in the school holidays to help with dd, who was about 3 at the time.

I could employ someone to clean, shop, cook, help me bath dd; someone else to take her out a couple of days a week in half term and holidays, or to help with her an hour a day Mon to Fri in the holidays, or however I wanted to have it. I just had to make sure that whoever came signed the forms saying they'd done this many hours for this much money and send the sheets in every week.

Here, I was awarded a certain number of hours per week and SS use a care agency who send me someone for that number of hours to do whatever I need (I have opted for once a week on Thursdays). SS pay the agency direct as long as I sign the time sheet saying someone's been.

I have fewer hours now as I am in a slightly better state than I was originally and dd is so much older so I don't really need help with her any more.

This is what you ask for. I don't know what or how they do it now, but ask, please. You need help with ds, but it doesn't mean there is any need for him to be looked after by anyone else.

Oh, and I could employ anyone I wanted to and ask them to do whatever I wanted. I mean, if I wanted someone to help me clean and cook and who could drive me about, then I would find someone who would do that.

If you can get the Independent Living Allowance, or whatever it is these days, then you could ask whoever you get to take you and ds out to places in the holidays etc.

Please just talk to your SW. This could make all the difference to the rest of your life.

Trust the ladies above. I am one of the last people anyone would think would recommend asking SS for help but i would in this case, definitely .. you need support from some decent people.. i can't believe your own mother has either allowed herself to be manipulated by him or is such an idiot she doesn't even need to be suckered in..

Agree inform the SS of that fact, however they like to know people have a support network, so do you have friends/other family to turn to in emergencies ect?

Jux - thanks for the advice - its hard to know what to ask for when you 're not sure - actually that sounds exactly what I need right now.

SS have been very helpful so far, so at least there's that. I think my mum's been suckered in... but who knows? in any case, my sister is actually helping me or at least listening to me, and she can help explain to parents.

gotta sleep now...DS is going to be up bright and early!

awana, your mum wasn't overly supportive before all this, she is not suckered in, she in her way caused this situation you are in. As time ticks by, you will see the part she played in all this.

My Mum was nicey nicey to my exes, she told me off for being angry, but I had every reason in the world to be angry. Where was HER anger? huh?

Take it easy and tell them only what you want public knowledge and potentially used against you. I know it sounds paranoid, but you really DO have to be as cut and dried as this.

Families of abuse victims are bloody odd sometimes, and hurt us when we really can't see it coming or begin to handle it. they have an agenda, to keep you down, in your place, so that they look better.

trust me, had all this and more. it's worse than the DV to be honest. Cost me more in therapy I can tell you.

Don't look to your mum at the moment. You cannot be sure that she won't let you down . That is a hard thing in itself, but you have to concentrate on the most important things right now - that's you and ds, and keeping you both safe and healthy.

Use every agency you can. Do you get DLA? You sound like you should. Check into that, if you're not getting it; though I know everything's changing atm there will be something for people in your condition and circumstances, I'm sure.

If you don't have to squander time and energy worrying about your dh, you will find that you have more energy available for the things you want to spend it on, like yourself and your ds.

I'm glad your sister is helpful.

Poor you OP, horrible when the people who should be closest are destroying and vindictive. Make life easier & distance your mother immediately - sounds like she doesn't have your best interests at heart for whatever screwed up reason.

It strikes me that you need practical help because you are ill - you can get this from adult social services, & can self refer to them or via your gp if you want. You don't say what your health problems are, but if they are really impacting on how you'll cope alone then there is help (you may have to jump through a few hoops for it though). They can help with things like personal care, meals, some cleaning, picking up prescriptions, & basically everything that keeps life going that you really cannot do.

I should say I became disabled & reliant on my H & it was awful needing physically someone who was abusive. It can be confusing to others I found as well (not helpfully ffs!)... People in abusive relationships often say they 'need' the other person, & so people in general dismiss this & don't actually think its true! I hated being with my h & was horrified to realise people thought I Wanted him near me or was displaying the emotional signs of having been emotionally crushed & broken.

I had no one else to help. Rubbish family, fair weather friends. And iI panicked at the idea of him not being with me, because i needed someone to do nearly everything for me & if he didnt, i couldnt cope. And how did I know I couldn't cope? Cos h kept his help unreliable & mood dependent & I had experienced how screwed I was practically when he with held help - now I can see that was just another way of being a very nasty abusive man, but I blamed myself for not coping. Thought I was weak for being disabled!

Anyway, i am wondering if this rings any bells for you? If so, def the best thing I did was get Adult services involved, they assessed my needs & got agency carers for me in the short term & eventually I got my own via direct payments. It's the only way I could stop relying on h & I was so utterly dependent on him, trapped & very very desperate... I felt like I was going mad & if my H had started to push all the 'she's crazy' stuff I think I'd have cracked so my heart goes out to you.

It was a release, a freedom when I didn't have to rely on this mans 'care' anymore.

I really hope you consider this option as I wish I had done it before... But no one told me I could get help, just ignored me saying he was my carer & told me id manage or that I was abusing my child by not chucking him out. I remember thinking - yes my baby hears h shout at me, but of h wasn't here, my baby (& me) wouldn't get fed / bathed/ lifted into bed - so which is worse???

No idea if you are ill in that kind of way, but hope some of this was useful to you. BTW I told ss about having reactive depression too, & they didn't say anything - I think professionals do understand that being depressed when in a terrible situation... Well, that's a sign of having an appropriate reaction not of mental instability.

Good luck op