Would I be mad to let him stay with me?

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

Dh and I are separating, we decided in February. Selling the family home. Lost our buyers in May, have new buyers, due to complete at the end of November.

I have a house and got the keys in mid-August, bought with a loan from members of dh's family (to help all of us). I'm moving in on Saturday.

Dh has dragged his heels finding somewhere and has made two offers, one has been accepted, the other is pending.

Neither of these properties is likely to be available to move into any time soon.

Dh 'can't face renting/putting stuff into storage' etc. He's proposing living in our second home, miles away, temporarily. He'll only see the kids at the weekends and he worships them.

I feel awful that he might end up effectively homeless. He may have orchestrated this, he didn't want to separate - I did. I don't hate him. I feel huge moral pressure to say he can stay in my new house, but I can hardly bear the idea. It's dragged on for months already, and I am desperate to move on and I worry about...

confusing the kids
him getting his feet under the table and finding reasons to postpone moving out.

What would you do?

no keys for him, remember

no letting him pop to yours "just to pick something up" every 5 minutes, then he stays for tea

no keys for him, remember

no letting him pop to yours "just to pick something up" every 5 minutes, then he stays for tea

oops

It was so important you had to say it twice!

it's the

Well I can have him round for dinner occasionally, can't I? He's going to miss my cooking.

Pisces - talk to me - we are going through something similar and i too am Pisces so I completely understand........especially about the booze.....at the risk of getting a million wierdos emailing me get in touch at XXXXXX (Edited out by MNHQ)* and we can compare notes and hopefully help each other :-) x

*Please feel free PM rather than posting your email address online

Hurray for moving forward x

No dinner at yours for at least the next 5 years, it sends him and your kids mixed signals.

Yes, sorry - he's going to miss everything about your marriage, because you have chosen to end it. Neither of you are anywhere near ready to have a friendship relationship - you have to let the marriage die completely first. And having him round for dinner doesn't help with that.

I'm in a situation where I let my ex have access to my home (for DD) and store some of his stuff. This is after he dumped me and made a home with someone else - something he would never do with me. He's great at paying for DD; sorting things out; spending time with us both; helping out with finances; etc. BUT it's been over a year now and I am nowhere near "moved on". Every time it looks like I'm getting myself sorted he uses little ways of pulling me back and I respond every bloody time. I'm slowly getting better at pulling away but it's bad for me, for DD and for his new partner. The only person it's good for is him.

Please don't let your kind and generous nature leave you in a similar situation.

tiredof I allowed my FWExH to guilt me into sharing family meals every Sunday for the first year after I left him. He persuaded me the DC liked it, even the adult ones away at Uni, as it reassured them. I gritted my teeth and went along with it, and even shared Christmas day.

Eventually either he realised playing happy families wasn't going to make me "come to my senses" and move back in, or his new GF objected and asked him to stop. It was awful though and gave him a chance to wander round my new house snooping and prying. Ending it was a huge relief.

While you and the DC may find it comfortable to let him come for meals in some ways, it is better to lay down the new rules from the start. How about meals out somewhere neutral for birthdays if you really want to celebrate as a family? My DD1 calls it "practising for weddings!"

I hope you were joking about having him round to dinner cos he'll miss your cooking! You need to set clear boundaries. Of course he'll miss things about you, and you'll miss things about him, but the way to get over these things is not to drag it out, but to cut the cords.

Plus, chances are, he'd have some excuse to avoid going back to his own place afterwards: too much to drink, too tired or he'll 'fall asleep' on your sofa. Then you feel a heel for pushing him out of your door, or the kids get confused and think he's moving in again. Nope.

You need to put distance between you until things have moved on for you both and you've both accepted it's over & done with.

Photocopy some of your recipes for him. Dont be daft.

I don't think your H is the only one finding it hard to let go.

Stop giving him mixed messages, love.