Would I be mad to let him stay with me?

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

Dh and I are separating, we decided in February. Selling the family home. Lost our buyers in May, have new buyers, due to complete at the end of November.

I have a house and got the keys in mid-August, bought with a loan from members of dh's family (to help all of us). I'm moving in on Saturday.

Dh has dragged his heels finding somewhere and has made two offers, one has been accepted, the other is pending.

Neither of these properties is likely to be available to move into any time soon.

Dh 'can't face renting/putting stuff into storage' etc. He's proposing living in our second home, miles away, temporarily. He'll only see the kids at the weekends and he worships them.

I feel awful that he might end up effectively homeless. He may have orchestrated this, he didn't want to separate - I did. I don't hate him. I feel huge moral pressure to say he can stay in my new house, but I can hardly bear the idea. It's dragged on for months already, and I am desperate to move on and I worry about...

confusing the kids
him getting his feet under the table and finding reasons to postpone moving out.

What would you do?

Being independent is hard work. But the price you pay for getting help buying a car may be higher than money, if you see what I mean!

I should say, I totally got help buying my car, not from DH as it happens but from various car-savvy friends. Failing that, I would probably have gone for a new Kia with the 7-year warranty, with finance spread out over a longer period than you would normally think was wise for a car (because of the risk of not having finished paying for one before you need another). This is not the lowest cost strategy but probably the least risky and it gets the job done and off your list.

Hi Tiredofwaiting - in your position I would say this:

"I'm sorry for you, and I would like to help you, but I actually think you moving in with us would be detrimental to our children's well being and I'm sure you'll understand we both need to put them first. Living together when you are not together anymore means the household is not relaxed and carefree, but could be tense, and this is not good for our children, so I am going to have to say no. I'm sure you'll understand."

If you continue to rely on or allow your ex's to rely on you, you are not establishing good boundaries in the relationship. These will be essential for a continued amicable relationship (which with children involved, most people would want, right?)
Establish the boundaries now (strike while the iron is hot) or you will just be saving up problems for the future.

Moving in would be bad. Don't do it.

It's not your fault that he hasn't found somewhere and it's not your responsibility to find him somewhere convenient to live.

Can I add my voice to the hordes saying a big, empathic "No!!!!". You have worked really hard to get where you are tired. Remember he has good form for manipulation, which is partly what has got him in this situation of his own making at the moment. Stay strong.

No, you can't let him move with you. His refusal to sort out accommodation for himself is to manipulate you, don't let him do it.

He can sofa-surf (not at yours!), he can get a b&b, he can find somewhere to rent. If you let him come with you, you'll be stuck with him.

He's known for some months that he needs to make new domestic arrangements. It is his problem that he is not, and if your aim is to see him moving on with his life, facilitating it for him tom stay put isn't going to help.

How far have you got with dividing assets? For you say "our second home" - do you mean a holiday cottage? What have you decided so far about its future ownership. His residence there might change existing intentions.

I'd say 'no' (but would probably feel mildly guilty for a while, as if a friend was temp rarity homeless, I'd say "yes of course"; but common sense would reassert itself - an ex, no matter how civilised, is not a friend).

If your MBBS is for bachelor of medicine, bachelor of surgery then in a few years you will be responsible for peoples lives - literally life and death decisions will have to be made by you

therefore surely you are capable of buying a car? (answer: you are and you know you are!)

Do not let him move in - follow through on your decision to separate.

He is an adult, responsible for himself and more than capable of finding somewhere to live of his own accord.

Well that seems to be a pretty clear-cut verdict.

Thank you everyone.

I think one of the things about living with someone who's a bit manipulative/controlling, is that it's easy to feel you're being unreasonable when you are not. MN is a good place to come for an idiot-check.

Those who have asked, our second home is a coastal cottage, nearly two hours' drive away. It's in my sole name but he's having it as part of his share of assets. He will buy a more modest house in the town where we live. It's a proper dream cottage but I still feel absolutely awful that he is having to buy a smaller modern house from the proceeds of the family home while I've got a lovely big Victorian townhouse.

We both prefer older houses. I feel very guilty about this although on paper it's a fair division of assets. And he feels that I am coming out of the marriage with half of everything he's worked for.

I was a SAHM for 7 years and since then I've been a student - at his expense.

There is a big basement room in the new house that is not essential as living space. I plan in the longer term to turn it into a den for my soon-to-be-teenage children.

I could offer to store his stuff there. Or is this still not being clear enough about boundaries?

He's heartbroken about all of this and I want it to be least worse for him :(

No no no. If you store his stuff he will want a house key so he can access it, then be round all the time on a pretext. He doesn't have to be homeless, so if he chooses to be, it is his lookout.

He has the coastal cottage as a stop gap (this is far more than most divorcing couples do), and is perfectly able to sort out a decent place to rent if he wanted. Why isn't he making sure he's got somewhere the children can visit him? Is it because he'd rather fuck you up than foster a good, post-divorce relationship with them? If so, I wouldn't feel sorry for him, I would feel enraged and very determined not to fold.

I probably would store his stuff, my ex stored some of mine for a while. You don't have to give him a key. If you store it I would give him a date you want it gone by "I'll store it for up to 6 months, if you haven't collected it by then you arrange private storage or I get rid of it as I need the space"
Ensure he treats it like private storage ie it goes in as one lot and comes out as one lot, no going back and forth taking little bits at a time.

THis man is hugely abusive, I strongly recommend a chat with women's aid/. Just because his method is a mixture of smothering niceness and guilt tripping, it doesn't make up for the fact that he considers you somewhere between a pet and a child, that you are owned by him and if he pats you on the head and ignores you, you will forget all these silly ideas about being human. And if not, he's going to punish you.

SGB, did you post on the wrong thread by mistake here??
Bit freaked out by what you said. I've never seen him as being that bad.

I didn't think about keys... If I stored his stuff I really wouldn't want him to have one.

angel work and personal life are so different for me. I'm confident (ish) about work and medical school is goving me knowledge and training to be able to make big decisions that affect other people.

The University of Life hasn't been so good at equipping me to do stuff for myself :)

I think SGB has a good point. At the root of all this heartbreak stuff is the attitude that he does not accept you've called time on the marriage, and is not really prepared to go separate ways. Can you imagine doing that to him? I suspect he will only find his own place and sort out custody once it is plain you aren't going to weaken and let him back in.

Big Yellow box type storage places are quite reasonably priced and a much better alternative for him.

He is no longer your responsibility!!!!

I assume as your children grow up you give them more and more responsibility, to pack their school bags, choose their clothes, do their homework and so on? Your Ex is an adult, he can sort it out himself.

You have a house big enough for you and the kids - its a nice one, great.
He has chosen to buy a small modern one, maybe that is the best he can afford, but I am sure there is more than one house he could afford in the area (in fact you said he had offered on 2). He has also chosen not to offer on one he can move into quickly. He also doesn't want to rent. He would rather live 2 hours away. Those are all his choices, he has plenty of other choices he could make. You are not his mother, and even if you were you should let him make his own choices.

As for the car, just because you are female and blonde doesn't mean people will rip you off. Is this something your husband suggests? I would go to a good garage and see what I could get trading in the 2 seater. You won't get as much as a private sale, BUT it won't involve you having to accept a favour from your ex. And it is usually quick and easy (I would probably use my local Honda garage as they have always been very professional and unsexist).

At the root of all this heartbreak stuff is the attitude that he does not accept you've called time on the marriage

Eldritch I think you are probably right here. In recent weeks he has been taking the kids off out at the weekends while I have been decorating and trying to sort out my new house to move into.

Our house has been under offer all this time.

Also, he insisted he wanted to buy without a mortage for ages which seriously limited what he could find. It was only in the last couple of weeks that he decided to transfer the small mortgage from the family home. This gives him a bit more budget so more options. He could have done this earlier. I have felt absolutely tortured that my (lovely) house was already bought and he was so limited in what he could buy. Maybe he meant me to feel like this

He also told dd2 (aged 10), recently when she asked him which of two houses they had been to see that he preferred that 'if it was up to him he wouldn't be moving at all'. She told me about this because she didn't like it - she thought it was making me out to be 'the bad one'.

Yeah, well giving your children that message, however tacitly, is a real shit's trick.

Don't weaken, it will only deepen and prolong the agony. Everyone, especially this children, really need the two households to be established so everything can settle into a new routine, surely? Dragging it all out to maximum length and difficulty is self-indulgent and mean.

Oh, and he's started working from home weeks ago, he said it could postpone when I had to get an au pair and save us money. But I can't move without one because I couldn't have the kids. Plus it means he's always here when I am - and spending more time with DC. And if I start trying to pack he goes into one (so I sit and spend my life on MN instead).

Any house he buys will probably be

x posted, Eldritch.

He's definitely doing this:

Dragging it all out to maximum length and difficulty

But I do feel really sorry for him :(

I would get on with your packing. You are moving out. If he chooses to "go into one" then that's his choice. You don't have to tiptoe around him, you have a house to move to and need to get on with packing. Let him have toddler tantrums if he wants. turn up the radio and ignore him.
If you don't want the big meal say no, you think it will be unnecessarily melodramatic for the children.

Oh give over feeling sorry. Using your 10yo kid to twist the knife ?

He's a manipulative weasel.

No, sorry, I stand by what I said. This man is actively working on destroying your mental health. He is perfectly happy to manipulate your children and hurt their feelings just to get his own way. Please try really hard to greet all his whining and tantrumming with cheerful indifference. Don't offer any solutions to any of his problems: he is an adult and can look after himself.

I am interested in the fact that you have managed to find a house pending separation but he has not. He had as much time as you to sort things out? Is it a pattern of his to drag his heels when he doesn't want to do something? And it is a pattern of yours to help him out when he is out of luck?

You need to get on with your new life and so does he. You could be doing him a favour by refusing to let him live with you as you are helping him with the process of realising that it is over and moving on with a new life for you both.