Red shoes, charming lesbians and pirates with taste...Dating Thread 24

[ChaoticismyLife]

It's the best I could come up with

As you were...

[KirstyWirsty]

Bantam I will come to your rescue and suggest that by easy you meant not enough of a challenge ??

I've just read 'why men love bitches' which suggests the same thing (and is a very entertaining read to boot)

[KirstyWirsty]

Oops you can stand up for yourself but we are both saying the same thing

[ChaoticismyLife]

Some of us don't consider ourselves to be 'easy' because we have sex on the first date. Some of us just consider ourselves to be normal, sexual beings who enjoy having sex from time to time. It doesn't have to be a notch on the bedpost either, some times it can develop into a relationship.

Having said that I am curious...do you only judge one sex as being easy or are you an equal opportunities both sexes are easy person?

Btw welcome to the thread.

[Yogagirl17]

Taghain - I think you're missing what the notebook is all about - you should go back a thread and check out snape's links. (It's not just any moleskin notebook... )

Bantam - interesting to get your perspective, please don't let us scare you off!

[hatesponge]

Sorry that stuff about the chase is just bollocks.

From my POV I've had sex on first dates. I've not had sex on first dates. Frankly it makes fuck all difference to the outcome, except for the fact that were it not for the first date sex, I wouldn't have had sex at all in 4 years.

But you know, go ahead, tell me that's down to something I'm doing wrong. That I'm clearly a bit odd/slutty/ugly/not observing the rules of the chase properly...

[Taghain]

Umph. I think all that (Bantam's post) depends upon the man, the woman & their relationship. There's a touch of the Rules about it.
We all know people whose pick-up & one-night stand turned into a long successful relationship. The dog/stick metaphor may work sometimes, but you could also use a dog/bone one, where guaranteed sex will keep someone coming back for more until you know each other well enough to decide what else you have in common. And at least you also both get laid.

[ChaoticismyLife]

x-posts

If we didn't have to try hard, then the next guy won't have to try hard either.

That isn't necessarily true. I'm far more complex than that.

[Taghain]

(YG17, I'll look. I've been off the site for a couple of weeks and these move so damn fast)

[watchoutforthatsnail]

bant - i think you are wrong.
On friday i had a good snogging session with the pirate, as in a few hours. Not once did he even touch my boobs. nor try to. he could have done. i wouldnt have stopped him, and had he made the moves to i would have slept with him.
so - it was there, on a plate as it were. and he didnt take it, nor push for it.

i dont think all men are the same.

ive also had relationships that have started from one night stands.. in fact my marriage did.

i think its kind of crap.

[bantamrooster]

chaotic thankyou for the welcome :)

I think 'easy' is based upon if you're trying to get something. I once read a comment that a guy will go on a date wondering if she's going to have sex tonight. The girl will know if she is. Men are simple creatures in that respect. Yes we can invent space exploration and write poetry and amazing songs and art, but our first instinct is to have sex or kill things, and layers of civilisation have put layers down over that to make sure we only have sex with the right things, and kill the right things, and also not to put our fingers in holes which may have a live electrical connection.

The point is that men and women may come to dating from different directions. I think a lot of us share the same end point - the settling down, exploring the world, giggling together over in-jokes, having children. A lot of us want that. But we have different paths to that end. Men will, if you'll pardon the expression, fuck as many women as they can until they find the one. Women generally won't. It's all down to biology really, we have lots of seed to spread, and will go off to new tribes and spread it there, women want to nurture more and will settle down and build a nest. That's not being sexist, that's just saying we're different. And if you appreciate that we're different, you'll not make the same assumptions.

I was driving a couple of weeks ago and was following some little car down a country lane, when there was a girl cycling towards us down the lane. The guy in the passenger seat of the car in front suddenly leaped halfway out of his window, waving his shirt in the air, whooping and yelling something at the girl on the bike, then laughing manically. Now he was in his early 20s, I'm in my late 30s, so my instinctive response when I meet him anyway is going to be 'tosser'.

And the girl looked upset at whatever he'd said. And I was wondering to myself - why did he do that. He obviously wasn't going to 'pull' her, as he was driving past her at 50mph. So he did it for the benefit of his mate who was driving, to get kudos. And again I think 'tosser'. He just upset a girl he'd never met, to impress a bloke who was driving the car a bit, and this is what men can be.

However, we also wrote shakespeare and dido and aneas, and lots of stuff like that, so we're not all bad.

[UnbridledPositivity]

Hmm, while I applaud Bantam's offer to educate us women about the male perspective, I don't think there is a single unified male perspective, and one man can't really speak for all of mankind... I wouldn't dream of telling anyone what women in general like and don't like.

The other thing is, I absolutely won't play games - so I won't calculate just how much of a 'chase' I'm providing a guy with.

[watchoutforthatsnail]

bant, i really dont think women always plan when they are going to get laid. i think you are seeing it from a male point of view and making stereotyped statements, and we are seeing it from a female point of view and making stereotypes.

bottom line is we are all human, i dont think people plan when they are going to shag, it mostly just happens, or not. and men who go around fucking indiscrimiately are likely to be knob heads with diseases who dont get the girl in the long run anyway.....

[bantamrooster]

And I should also point out I'm trying to generalise here, from conversations I've had with other guys. We don't generally talk about our feelings with each other, but sometimes we do after a few drinks or knowing each other for years.

And nothing I say is going to apply in all cases.

I was with my first girlfriend (of 7 years) for the first two years before we had sex. Another one we slept together on the second date, another on the first, and yet another after a couple of months, There isn't a single rule.

But I think generally, if you sleep with someone on the first date, and you're still together after a few more dates, you've got lucky and found yourself a good bloke. There is a mental process men go through when they're looking to meet someone - for long term or short term. The first one is : Do I fancy her? The second one is : Do I like her?

Now I think women have similar stages here, do I fancy him, do I like him. However the next one: Will she have sex with me? Tends to trump the other two to a great extent. Not always, but if we've had a couple of drinks then that one may take over.

Whereas that one is always a given for you. You know he'll probably have sex with you given the opportunity. So in some men, if that 3rd question is answered early, and the other two are 'yeses' then fantastic. If the 3rd question is answered early and either of the two are 'nos' then what the hell, we had sex anyway.

Animalistic, as I said. And I haven't done a straw poll here, but this is what I think.

So who wants to answer my dating question, cos I'm confused as hell on this one girl I met

[mcmooncup]

Always wondered what went on on this thread seeing as I'm a 'dater'.

Mansplaining, I see

Bantom.......seriously, you really believe all that shit???

[watchoutforthatsnail]

bantom - thing is, we probably couldnt help, seeing as we dontknow her....
but, fire away.

[FateLovesTheFearless]

Going by your theories bantman, I may actually be a male stuck in a woman's body

Marking my spot ----> X

For those that don't know me, been on the dating thread since Lubey first made it, i am 28 with 4 kids, divorcing, was in a relationship for a year (amazing considering I slept with him on the first date ) that ended last month, am now in a new...thing...with platonic male friend who pounced on me a couple of weeks back.

Yoga - my relationship status on fb is single but I think you have to click about to actually see it. After the ups and downs of my last relationship I think I will just leave it as it is.

Watch - hurrah for date number five! Has it been all quiet from the puppy?

[snapespeare]

:). bantam. Fire away, I like that's she's got you on a back-foot, have all your preconceptions come tumbling down?

Fwiw, your perspective is interesting and it is something to think about - I think you do speak from a personal perspective and there may be sweeping generalisations, but you do make the point that occasionally people meet, have sex on a first date and they just get on with things, be happy. I think you confirm some of our suspicions that there are a bunch of sleazy guys out there who will shag indiscriminately because they can and that might not necessarily end in confetti, occasionally it does, that's nice, but we've all wailed about shag-n-runners, it does happen and they don't get back in contact for whatever reason, because they've filled their boots and think we're sluts, because they're terrified by the extent of their emotions because we're sexually demanding velociraptors they can never hope to satisfy with their inadequate collective peni or just because. To an extent I couldn't give a stuff what is going on in their heads - I don't believe in 'the rules', I think they suffice to diminish women's sexuality and introduce tedious game-playing to something that should be very easy - you like someone, you want to have sex with them, just have sex with them.

You're brave. :). That's good.

[watchoutforthatsnail]

i also dont think its agiven then men will have sex with anyone. ive been, embarassingly, in a situation where we were fooling around, naked. but he refused as sex was special even though i actually asked and clearly i wasnt.....
!!!
worst still he continued to chase me for non special any thing other than actual sex, for about 9 months.
go figure.

[watchoutforthatsnail]

cheers for asking fate. no all quiet. hes tagged me in a fbpic ( left him on under the guise of being friends) its not actually a pic of me though. ive commented. thats it.

i do feel very relieved about the wholething.

and yes, date 5. very excited. More so i think pirate is more excited than me :)

[ChaoticismyLife]

I think bantam is trying to give a generalised pov when really he can't because he cannot possibly know what every man thinks/pov.

bantam just give us your pov, much more productive in letting us know how some men think. Oh, and never try to imagine how a woman would think/act...you'll just get it completely wrong.

[Yogagirl17]

I agree with snape (then again when do I not agree with snape - I think the notebook has caused us all to fall a little in love with her ) - anyway, as I was saying, I think Bantam offers an interesting perspective but just one to add to the pot and not "the definitive male perspective".

Bantam - you say you're late 30s but curious what your situation is. Have you been married/divorced/have kids/looking to have kids...? I think some of these make a difference as to where we're at and what we want at any given time. Also curious to hear your dating dilemna.

Thanks for those who have answered about their FB status. I used to have mine as "married". When XH & split I just deleted it but debating whether to change it to single or leave it as nothing.

[hatesponge]

This just makes me glad I'm not bothering with OD at the moment, because I suspect bantam's are exactly the views held by every man I've had the misfortune to encounter

And The Rules are bullshit btw, the game-playing stuff is just a jarr, and they presuppose that a man is actually seeking a relationship when it seems the vast majority of men OD either aren't looking for one or are incapable of one.

Generalisation on my part of course.

[bantamrooster]

snape - I agree with everything you said, except the part about men being terrified by the extent of their emotions.

I think generally (and not in all cases, don't yell at me here) women have a closer connection between emotions and sex. Men find it much easier to shag and run. We do have that connection it's not that we don't, and I think most of us find it much more satisfying and fulfilling when both are there, but we are more able to disconnect the two, and get one vs the other. Some men are looking to fill their boots, scratch and itch, more than women are.

And when people say I speak from a personal perspective, I'm trying to speak from a generalised perspective. Yes I've had a few ONSs, but generally if I don't want things to go too far, I'll back out. But then I like to think of myself as a renaissance man and can only go on what my mates are telling me. And I have female friends too who are just looking to fill their boots, I know this isn't a man-only thing.

So, my story. Do you want to hear it?

[bantamrooster]

Okay, having read those, I will no longer try and generalise about men. I'll give my perspective only, although it may not work in lots of cases. Is that okay?

[Yogagirl17]

Go on, tell your story Bantam. (And i do think that your own personal POV might be more helpful than trying to guess what all men are thinking)