Red shoes, charming lesbians and pirates with taste...Dating Thread 24

[ChaoticismyLife]

It's the best I could come up with

As you were...

Hi , welcome to the newbies/returners.
Bantam I have a problem too with you describing women as Easy, but not the Men involved. Sauce for the goose, eh? I don't 'put out' early on, but that is to protect myself emotionally, not becuase of some Victorian double-standard, and quite frankly would not be interested in a relationship with some knuckle-dragger who thought that way. You yourself have shagged on a first date you say. Were you Easy? You have fudged round the subsequent explanations. Also, date no 2/3 should have described herself as BBW? Sponge makes a good point. This means different things to different people. Were the photos representative? You have not answered this one either. We used to have a Man here a while ago. IIRC he tilted at windmills too...

Ok, now I've got that off my(reasonably abundant) chest...I'm going to have to set myself some rules for the OD stuff. I have considered the following, but any thoughts much appreciated, as tis all knew to me.

Only check in once per day. Give up when its getting depressing, and all you get for a while is bald men who say they have short hair who don't want women a few pounds overweight, or more than X age, or smokers etc...Don't have a problem with bald. Have a problem with lying about your hair status when you apparently value honesty from the women who might write to you.

Only have a few profiles on your Possibles at any one time

When someone has asked to see your photo, clearly been on line, and not responded X amount of time later, just write it off and delete from Possibles.

Or, put photo on public and be dammed? TIA

Sorry Parsley I didn't think I was fudging, my first comments were generalised about how I think some men see it, these are the same men who hoot at women out of car windows and send penis pictures online.

So yes, I've been 'easy' on a first date once, didn't feel particularly great about it later but there was a lot of chemistry - otherwise I wouldn't have DTD. Then she never responded to calls. And I thought the sex was actually quite good. These days being a bit older and wiser I'll limit the amount of booze on a first date so I don't end up in that situation again.

And the woman who was BBW had described herself as 'Curvy', only had headshot photos and they were several years old.

The question about to photo or not to photo - personally if someone doesn't have a picture on their profile I just skim right past it. And if someone hasn't bothered putting anything written in their profile I'll skim over those too. It's really annoying to get repeated winks from women with no pic and no description. How is someone supposed to get interested in someone who might as well be wearing a burqa and not saying anything about themselves. If someone can't be bothered to write a few lines about themselves, they're probably not taking the whole thing seriously and wouldn't be up for a date anyway.

put photo out there :) and dont count any one as a possible, unless you have swapped a few messages.
Be aware that people lie/and / or stretch the truth.

bant- if they girl hasnt replied to your last few texts, shes not interested. move on.
your date number one is a common occurance, for both sides. noones fault.
your date number two - yeah, as sponge says, curvey is in the eye of the beholder. The adverage british woman is now a size 16.... so, she could have put that maybe? I go between a 12/16 and always have curvey down.
your date 3 -meh, neither of you liked each other. again, par or the course.
or, maybe she didnt fancy you at all, or thought you didnt look like your pics, or had less hair, or more weight than you said, or you smelt. so didnt engage at all, and hence was boring....... ( just another way to look at it)

Ive rarely had awkward silences in any date. And have certainly never found we have done all the talking about stuff online. Also, you said its all in the eyes. If, on a first date a guy was staring straight into my eyes id be rather un nerved frankly. A first date isnt really a date, its a meet to see if you want to go on a date. A woman isnt going to turn up and instantly fall in love with you, making doe eyes at you across the table, it just doesnt work like that. Unless of course there is lots of booze involved where she might shag you, because she likes you and fancies you, but then you wouldnt want her, what with her being easy.........

did you sleep pie?
i miss cambridge so much, used to live there :) i too do the leaving the legs unshaved if i want to avoid sex. However, this has led, once or twice, to drunked, manic shaving in loo as we have both got drunk and ive changed my mind....
:)

My photo is actually on Invitation. I do have a profile, but its obvious a lot of men don't read it. Nowt I can do about that...

So, you would say put photo on Public then? On the grounds that if I have it on invitation i must be a Munter?

That was a little blunt, but would that be your reading of it, as opposed to my reasoning that I was not making myself any more vulnerable than necessary.

Ha, morning Watch, missed your post, as I was mid-rant.

parsley - in defence of bant, people do tend to assume, because there is always a reason for a hidden picuture. it tends to mean, married, long term relationship, or maybe not the best looking.
Your pictures are lovely. You are on a paid site, just put one up :)

I once replied to a message with no pic, we chatted a bit, got on great online. He wouldnt send a pic, but would be a friend on fb. So, out of curosity, i did. And it wasnt good, not at all. There was no way on the planet i could or would ever fancy him. He was 26 and looked 56. he knew this, tried to make a joke about having benjamin button disease. but no, he wasnt for me.
Or as i said, no pic because of being married.

bant - quite why you a gave the opion of men who toot horns and send cock shots, when, seeing as you say you arent one, then how would you actually know their thought process? AND, how on earth would you know these were the types of men we were chatting to, or dating. because they are not, types like that are avoided like the plague...............................

Ok, watch take your point...might make it public, for a trial run!

Morning (yawn!). Parsley I agree with Bantam (only in that...) if you don't have a readily available photo, you will tend to be by-passed. There are so many people on there that spending time requesting a photo is (IMHO) rarely done and, in addition, it does come across (wrongly or rightly) as a little suspicious. I'm always wary of men who have no photo and rarely answer comms from them. Having said that Mr PE Teacher didn't have a photo (as he was a teacher and didn't want pupils taking the p!) but sent a photo attached with his first message to me - an option?

Two nice messages from Mr Local last night so will send him my number and see how the phone chat goes.

Watch Did finally get back to sleep, thanks, but now have to get up for the school run. Am deadly tired :(

They had the option to request it though, and I have sent it on first ask, as long as they seemed normal,and had teeth...I have put profile to public, as an experiment.

Bant - agree with the others, if it's taking her more than 24 hours to respond to texts she just isn't that interested.

Pie - hugs, I hope you slept. I know how awful it is - suffered the worst insomnia for years and years. Funnily enough, now my marriage is over and i have no job I sleep like a baby. (still no word on new job Btw)

Parsley - def put a picture up, I bet you will get some nice responses.

What about when first date isn't really a first date? I was away for 3 weeks when I first started chatting with Mr60 so by the time we actually met face to face we'd exchanged hundreds of emails, talked on the phone, knew so much about each other and the chemistry was just fizzing. There was very little alcohol involved and after 2 hours together we just couldn't keep our hands off each other - but it didn't feel like sex on a first date..?

NYBoy being too keen again...didn't reply to him for 2 days and got a message asking if I was ok and saying he missed hearing from me. Thing is, he hasn't asked me on a date or anything so do I bother to explain just want to be pen pals or just continue to reply casually?

western, i wouldnt worry about it, its still only been a few dates anyway, its not like you have to have had sex by date 6 or anything. and, its difficult his end too...... so, its not your fault. Just one of those things. Do you get childfree weekends? plan a date for then?

parsley - but they would have to had been interested enough to even ask in the first place.. which is quite a lot of effort for online dating for a first communication. esp when there are lots of smiling other women just a click away. And again, unlikey to ask as it is suspicious that there is no pic.

Well done for putting it up, just wait and see what happens :)

Watch this space! Yoga I do not have an FB relationship status. I suppose technically I am seperated until the Absolute, but no-one's business really, and if they want to know, they can find out without fb stalking...

Bant does have a point though unfortunately. It's one of my bug bears that women who have a lot of one night stands or have sex on the first date are perceived by a lot of folk as 'easy' or 'slag' whereas men do the same and they are just being male, don't you know? Whilst I don't agree with the theory at all, I still think it exists quite strongly.

Take for example...bloke has slept with 40-50 women. High five to him, good job. Woman has slept with 40-50 men...different story. Even on here when you see a thread where some women admit to having slept with a higher than average number of men, they add reasons or excuses to make it seem better. Shouldn't be that way but it is what it is unfortunately and annoys the hell out of me.

yoga, a first date is always a first date. i once had a date with somone i had chatted to, online only, for 6 months. In my head we were in a relationship already - we met and i assumed that was just the start. Turns out, it wasnt. Turns out he had a bit of a history for doing that..... turns out, what i thought he was, he wasnt at all.
Online connection doesnt count, not really. Nothing counts till real life.

fate - that is true. its nuts though, makes no sense. are women not supposed to want to have sex? do people not think women enjoy it? are they sill thinking we lie back and think of england? its just nuts.

why dont men see it as a compliment as in ' wow, she likes me that much, shes attracted to me that much' instead of, yeah, ill fuck her, but shes easy for letting me.
baffling.

snail okay as far as having an opinion on how some men act, the hooting lot etc, some of that comes from conversations I've had, or overheard between other men. And some of it comes from discussions I've had with women I was talking to on the dating site, how some men have been with them. There are a huge number of normal, reasonable, attractive men out there, and also there are some weirdos, but I think being behind the anonymity of a keyboard gives some men the perceived license to act like tossers - hence the knob pics, asking favorite sexual positions etc in a first email.

And Parsley I wouldn't assume someone without a photo is a munter. I wouldn't assume anything about them as it's likely I'll not bother looking at them at all. If I'm on Match, say, and I'm looking at a screen with a dozen or twenty pictures, some of women who are really very attractive, and some who aren't so much, and then there are the blank spaces with no photo, that's just a blank space on the screen.

There's no assumption of ugliness, there's just no assumption of anything. It's like if I was in a bar or something and there was a table of attractive women, I wouldn't be focusing on what the one who faced away from me looked like, if I can see half a dozen facing towards me who look nice. I'd focus on the ones I can see.

I just did a quick check online, there are 132 women in my age range, who live within 20 miles of me, who've been online in the last week. 109 of them have pictures. I'm going to concentrate on the ones I like the look of.

I don't do blanket emails or 'how are you..' short mails: I see someone who I might fancy in person, I contact them talking about something interesting they said in their profile. If I can't do that, I move on to the next profile with a photo.

The 'invitation only' thing I haven't used so can't say how I'd react to that.

Ok, Bantam, thanks. Trying it with public photo for a bit anyhoo.

I have so many issues with this idea that 'nice' women don't shag on a first date, especially wrt my own situation, because (leaving aside from the fact it suggests it's not nice for a woman to want or enjoy sex) it implies that if I hadn't slept with any of the 5 men I have on a first date I'd have seen them again, if I'd seemed more of a challenge, when in fact I am about as certain as I can be that the outcome would have been exactly the same either way. The only difference would have been that I'd have gone 4 years without sex instead of (currently) a month.

bantham - yeah. we have had those conversations as well. we arent all hidden away. we have had contact with men before :) Some men are knobbers, but you presented that as a general mens view, ( even though you are now calling those that behave like that as weirdos...) which isnt the case at all.

i dont quite understand why you would offer up the worst possible view as a general view, if you dont think that way... unless, of course, you do, but now realise the error in doing that?

watch - I don't know, after having conversations online with perfectly nice women who tell me their horror stories, or amusing tales of OD, I cringe at the way some men behave. And as I only get told the horror stories, as women who've met lovely men online don't tend to be talking to me on a dating site, maybe my view of other men is skewed. If I only get told about the tossers, I only remember the stories about the tossers.

I think what I was getting at originally, is that from my perspective, there is some truth to that old 'Chase' story. Yes I don't like the waiting for a reply to a text, on the edge of my seat, but I've read on one of these forums someone saying 'he called as soon as he got home from the date - how desperate is he!' - and other ones saying 'he called as soon as he got home. How sweet!' - One womans desperate is another woman's sweet. So I generally wouldn't call until the next day, so as not to come across as desperate, but still maintain the possibility of sweet.

And I was probably overgeneralising, yes, you're right. I think there are some cases where if you DTD on a first date, it can be wonderful and lead to lots of more dates and skipping through the daisies. And if you wait for a few more dates there'll be more of a connection. And the point I was making was that a guy who is perfectly nice, and would be a goer in the long term if there was more of a connection, may lose interest early on if everything happens on the first date. I know it's happened to me in the past, both on my part and the woman's part.

Watch - its just a very out dated concept from the time when women were mean to be virgins until marriage blah blah. Totally sexist and frankly a load of rubbish but a lot of people still think that way and don't see it changing any time soon.

In my case, I have the four kids who a year and a half ago went through the separation of their parents. I have decided I am not going to be getting involved in any serious relationships until they are much much older and maybe not even then. As I have said, I like my independence. However I certainly won't be celibate for the next ten years say. I like sex and will have sex if I want to do so. I am also capable of having sex without getting emotionally involved and I am sure there are plenty of women that can do the same. To some people that will probably make me 'easy' or 'promiscuous' or whatever term so applies. However a bloke doing the above is just sewing his oats and being plain male. Whatever.