Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bipolar manic depression & sex

52 replies

EverSoHumble · 12/10/2012 21:25

Can anyone help me with this topic?
I am a man, and my ex (who I still care deeply about) has taken up with a man who is diagnosed as bipolar manic depressive, and has been treated for it for many years.
I looked up the symptoms and treatments on the internet, and both are quite scary. I sort of assumed that serious medication of many sorts made men impotent.
But I know the man's wife, and she says a problem that they had in their marriage was that he was often sexually voracious (can't remember her exact expression) particularly when he was high (sorry, again I don't know the technical expression) and that his constant and inappropriate demands were hard for her to satisfy.
I am worried that my ex does not know what she has got herself in for. Are such men likely to use coercion or be roughfor example?

OP posts:
OneMoreGo · 12/10/2012 21:31

You're going to get completely slated on here for the fact you are still thinking about your EX's sex life (bleuggh) and also for your ignorant and offensive assumptions about this particular mental illness. Sorry.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange · 13/10/2012 00:36

Well said, Onemorego.

OP, your ex's sex life is none of your business.

Finding out from her new partner's exW about her sex life with your ex's new partner is at best creepy, at worst, stalking. Going on the internet to try and suss out what medication your ex's new partner might be taking: ditto.

This question is the one that really takes the biscuit:

Are such men likely to use coercion or be roughfor example?

such men

Yuk. You obviously think this guy is a monster. Your ex doesn't though, does she? She has moved on from you. You should take a leaf out of her book and do the same, because your behaviour and attitudes are very disturbing. In fact, they are 'quite scary'.

SirBoobAlot · 13/10/2012 00:57

Firstly, you need to get rid of the stereotypes you have in your head of mental illness. I have a condition similar in a lot of ways to bipolar - the majority of people who don't know this wouldn't guess.

Secondly, remember that if you are friends with his (ex?) wife, you will only be hearing her off loading the negativity and struggles from their relationship.

Plenty of people who have "rough" sex do not have a mental illness; would you be worrying so much about that if you didn't know his diagnosis?

Your tone, both in regard to him and to her, sounds very negative. As much as you may still care about her, she will not appreciate your interference, even if it is well meant. Its her life, you need to let her live it.

RobynRidingHood · 13/10/2012 07:25

If the OP has children with his EXP he has every right to raise eyebrows if he feels his children might be impacted by a new relationship.

On the otherhand, some people manage to remain friends with ExPs and expressing concern is a sign of extending that friendship.

TBH, OP you are right to aks here rather than brooch the subject with her.

scentednappyhag · 13/10/2012 07:28

But he's specifically asking about the sex aspect of the relationship, no others. Why would he be worried about the sex life impacting his children? Confused

RobynRidingHood · 13/10/2012 07:34

We can only speculate coz there isn't any detail.

We aren't all clued up on various mental illness, but he knows his ExPs tates in bed and perhaps the 'rough sex' raised a red flag. Perhaps ExP is open to coersion or is a people pleaser.

Might be the Ex-wife had no tollerance to nocturnal activites and just thinks her bi-polar ex is a bit of demanding freak.

All a bit what-iffy.

but I think the OP is right to ask here for advice rather than raise it with his ExP.

ScarahScreams · 13/10/2012 07:35

I knew the OP was going to get that reaction.
He is just asking a question! Do you really need to be so harsh ?!

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 13/10/2012 07:42

They are being harsh because he's a man . . . as bloody usual for mn! Its getting ridiculous! Angry

Op. I think its nice that you are concerned for your ex. Im assuming that relations between you are good?

I don't know all the ins and outs of manic depression but i do believe that sexual appetite when on an upper (i don't know the proper terms either!) can he an issue.

scentednappyhag · 13/10/2012 07:46

It's nothing to do with him being a man Hmm don't be ridiculous.

tiredemma · 13/10/2012 07:51

'Such men'? Comments like this trivialise mental illness. Why would you be so concerned with the sexual aspect of their relationship? People who suffer from bipolar disorder exhibit other distressing symptoms - why not worry about these??? Your post is quite ignorant and a bit weird.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 13/10/2012 08:44

I would imagine he meant "such men" as in "people who have this condition" (this one just happens to be a man.) But then that's obvious, best jump on it though because her a man . . . so he must be a wrongun! Hmm

Scented. Keep telling yourself that!

ScarahScreams · 13/10/2012 08:58

Exactly, he clearly said he didn't mean to use the wrong terms. Not everyone is an expert on Mental illness and all the correct wording. He needs some advice.
The way some posters here pounced on him is pathetic.

scentednappyhag · 13/10/2012 09:25

fuck there's no need to be patronising.
Whether this post was made by a male or female, getting involved with your exes sex life is inappropriate and weird.

flyoverthegoldenhill · 13/10/2012 09:43

OP I actually understand your concerns. I have a relative who is bi-polar and they really do not understand about some boundaries regarding sex. So they will quite happily regail every sordid detail of their sex life to Very prude 90 year old aunt. They are on meds and it does not diminish their desires or abilities. I hope some posters will actually be able to give you some proper advice.

sparklekitty · 13/10/2012 09:47

I'm not usually offended by uneducated posts about MH but this one has got me I'm afraid. I have bipolar and yes it does make my moods unpredictable, my DH didn't 'know what he'd got himself into' but we are very happy. A MH disorder (extreme or not) does not always mean the relationship will be challenging or difficult for the OH. As for being forceful with sex, being bipolar will bear absolutely NO relation to how 'rough' he is, it will effect his libido but not necessarily the act.

I think I understand that you are concerned for your ex, however, I think it's weird that her sex life is your main concern.

The symptoms do sounds scary and sever but you can't make a judgement on their relationship based on googles symptoms of a complicated MH issue.

WhoNickedMyName · 13/10/2012 10:05

A passing interest in your ex's new partner - fairly natural.

Looking up ex's new partners illness and medication on the Internet, researching whether his meds possibly makes him impotent, discussing his sexual preferences with his ex wife and pondering on what your ex's sex life may be like with him - weird and creepy.

scentednappyhag · 13/10/2012 10:10

What WhoNicked said.

scentednappyhag · 13/10/2012 10:24

The more I read through your OP, it sounds like you are not over your ex and feeling jealous, would that be fair to say? If that is the case, then I apologise for the weird and creepy comments, but maybe you would be better seeking advice on that issue rather than your exes sex life?

RobynRidingHood · 13/10/2012 10:27

Hardly weird and creepy considering the new chaps ex=wife put the idea into his head.

WhoNickedMyName · 13/10/2012 10:36

I can't possibly imagine a situation where and why I'd be discussing my ex's new partners sexual preferences with their ex in the first place Hmm.

It's really odd.

Original poster
EverSoHumble · 13/10/2012 14:09

Wow, the best and the worst of Mumsnet. At one end of the scale, anyone posting can expect to be given a kicking by trolls if the poster has a Y chromosome yet at the other end of the scale there are helpful, insightful comments. Thanks where thanks are due.
My request for advice was well-meant. I have no direct knowledge of mental illness. Like anyone else in the 21st century I look up things on the internet. I have no prurient interest in my ex?s sex life, but I am very fond of her and my focus was on her safety not what she does in bed. My ex and I have no children together, but she has her own. I have never met her new man, but I do know his wife. She had lived with his illness for over 20 years. She describes him as a good man but badly damaged. I won?t feed the trolls any voyeuristic tit bits, but suffice to say from her bedroom history she was concerned enough to tell me.
Excuse me while I make a mug of man tea.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 13/10/2012 15:13

Well OP - you have been 'corrected'! Trial by MN. Once you're through the worst of it you should get some really good advice here.

Keep posting. It's worth it :)

FWIW i initially thought it was quite sweet of you to be concerned for your ex. I do agree with some posters that you have to let her live her life though. After all - even if it turns out your concerns are founded - what on earth could you/ should you about it?

SackGirl · 13/10/2012 16:05

I think it depends on the combination of pills that have him on. From my experience they attempt many combinations until they find ones that suit the person... It may be for a period in his life he was one way and now he is another, if he was having any adverse effects they would try a new combination - Also someone in my family is bipolar and you wouldn't have a clue she was now she is on the right medication for her. People make a lot of assumptions about mental illnesses, often ill-advised and incorrect.

I'm sure she'll be fine, also you have to remember that it's his ex wife you are speaking to who may have her own agenda

KatyPeril · 13/10/2012 16:10

I have Bipolar and when high, do become a bit of a sex pest. Would never turn it into rape or anything though! I don't think having bipolar would turn a man into a rapist or anything.

Nuttyfilly · 13/10/2012 17:38

Hi all I'm bi polar, and if all meds are taken etc there is no problem! I think it's sad u worry about an exes sex life and also stereotyping people with a mh seem in some way unsafe, get a grip and focus on your own life.