Bipolar manic depression & sex

[EverSoHumble]

Can anyone help me with this topic?
I am a man, and my ex (who I still care deeply about) has taken up with a man who is diagnosed as bipolar manic depressive, and has been treated for it for many years.
I looked up the symptoms and treatments on the internet, and both are quite scary. I sort of assumed that serious medication of many sorts made men impotent.
But I know the man's wife, and she says a problem that they had in their marriage was that he was often sexually voracious (can't remember her exact expression) particularly when he was high (sorry, again I don't know the technical expression) and that his constant and inappropriate demands were hard for her to satisfy.
I am worried that my ex does not know what she has got herself in for. Are such men likely to use coercion or be roughfor example?

FWIW OP, Y chromosome or not, not all relationships go utterly sour - and if you remain friends with ex's then you would have a concern if someone (like his ex wife) planted a seed in your head.

We could replace bi-polar with frequent cannabis user, and someone would arrive and say not all cannabis users get paranoid psychosis. True, but some do.

My husband has bi polar disorder, your OP made me feel a bit sickened.

Firstly, your ex's sex life is none of your business. She's clearly moved on, you need to too.

Secondly, if you really want to educate yourself about this illness, then do so properly and in an unbiased way.

To be perfectly honest you come across as a shit, lazy journalist looking for anecdotes for a piece about having a relationship with a person with "bipolar manic depression." I don't know whether that is better or worse than than the scenario you describe actually being real. If it's real, my advice would be to try to stop worrying about your ex's vagina, basically.

I was one of the first to respond to this post, so presumably I am one of those being labelled 'pathetic' and a 'troll'. The suggestion that anyone who thinks the OP is creepy and ignorant and says so is just 'man-bashing' is really offensive. It's also quite sexist, isn't it, implying it's impossible to see beyond one's own gender or the gender of the person asking for advice. We are all people aren't we, not just men and women in opposing camps?

I couldn't care less if the OP is male or female, it's irrelevant. What is relevant is the rather prurient way he is seeking advice re his exP's new partner's possible sexual behaviour and preferences. Does anyone really think this is normal?

I don't. I think it's intrusive and creepy to be interested in an ex's sex life. This ex-couple don't have children. So shouldn't an adult woman be entitled to pick a new sexual partner after a relationship has ended without her ex questioning his suitability or her judgement (particularly when said ex goes to the lengths of quizzing new partner's ex wife or canvassing strangers on MN in search of 'information')?

People who won't leave ex-partners alone are stalkers, male or female. And some people who use 'caring about' the ex as an excuse to interfere or to police their life are often abusers - whether male or female.

Aside from that, the OP's attitude towards this mental illness is ignorant and very unfair. Some people seem to think his admission of his own ignorance makes it reasonable to ask whether a man with bipolar is a potential rapist. Does it? really?

excellent post, tiredofwaiting.

I think each admission of ignorance is an opportunity to educate. Screaming at people about how wrong and offensive they're being, whilst tempting, really doesn't fix the problem.

Sirbob. I agree.

"expect to be given a kicking by trolls if the poster has a Y chromosome "

Be fair OP... your original post was bloody nasty.

I also think that 'concern' for an XP is often an indication of someone who is creepy and controlling. She is an adult and can shag an entire chapter of Hells Angels every night if she feels so inclined, it is none of your business OP.

Maybe you should take up with this man's XW as both of you sound overly interested in other people's sex lives: you could be the perfect match.

She is an adult and can shag an entire chapter of Hells Angels every night if she feels so inclined

Yes.

I think each admission of ignorance is an opportunity to educate. Screaming at people about how wrong and offensive they're being, whilst tempting, really doesn't fix the problem.

I agree with this, too.

But some of the best people to educate the OP are sufferers of the illness, their relatives and partners and people with professional knowledge. The last of these groups would probably just roll their eyes at the ignorance, they encounter it every day. But the people who have bipolar disorder, or care about others who do, mind terribly about the stigma around this illness.

These people are likely to be alienated by what the OP said, his concern that the illness might make someone a rapist (because this is what sexual 'coercion' means isn't it?). So it's not a very sensitive way to go about seeking useful advice.

It's not a question of people choosing to be offended, they just are. What he said is objectively offensive.

And yes, what everyone says about minding his own business about his ex's sex life. This is separate from his ignorance about mental illness, but would apply in any case. If he is genuinely concerned out of caring for his ex, why the hell is he only asking about the sex?

It's odd, it's creepy and it's inappropriate - definitely. And is he using her new partner's illness as an excuse for plain old stalking behaviour - maybe.

And this would apply if it was a man or woman who'd started the thread.

As I've said up thread, I have a serious mental health condition myself, so am well aware of the stigma and how it affects sufferers. One of the names for my condition is Borderline Personality Disorder - three words which really bemuse, frighten and intimidate people.

From the work I've done on myself with this, and also a while ago running groups about mental health awareness in schools, I've come to learn when it is worthwhile getting offended and when it isn't. And really, it very rarely is. Hard work not to feel insulted, angry, and upset when you encounter people who are ignorant, its true. But educating and breaking down walls is more effective in the long term, as that person may well go on to help others in the same way.

Some of the symptoms of conditions like bipolar and also BPD are sex related, and also both include people wanting to do things their way, for various reasons. So you can see while people might be intimidated by this if all they have done is read a list of symptoms online.

Well SirBoob I'm not prepared to out myself, let's just say this issue is very close to home for me too.

And I don't think there is anything wrong with challenging people who come out with outrageous questions or statements about mental illness. I'm grateful to the people on here who have done that to the OP. Why? Because I've started threads on here about completely different things and have been shocked sometimes at the weight of opinion in a particular direction. That in itself has been enough to make me question the way I'd been thinking about things.

I actually think that the MH aspect is a bit of a red herring here. My take is that the OP hasn't got over his ex, is interested in her sex life in a creepy way. Using the MH aspect is just an excuse for the interest and that's been the focus of most of my posts.

But I think telling him what an arse his attitudes towards bipolar are is appropriate as well. Maybe the number of people doing this will make him shine a light on his attitudes, though perhaps not, as he doesn't have the maturity to see beyond the fact that most of the people criticising him are women.

*what an arse he is for his attitudes

I didn't see anything nasty or even creepy about the OP but it is a fact that anyone posting on here who admits to being male gets a far rougher time than any female posting about a similar subject... I mean most of you are all so harsh when someone is posting on here with a genuine problem. Why not just cut him some slack and try and help?
MNers... don;t like men!

I don't understand how people can keep saying 'you wouldn't say this if he were a woman'. It's patronising and dismissive.
My opinion is relevant, regardless of his genitals, and to be honest it's you posters that are most hung up on his gender it seems
I have never seen a comparable thread by a woman, so can't say with certainty (unlike some of you ) what the opinions on it would be, but the fact remains that I think that the OP should not be concerning himself with his exes sex life and needs to get a grip.
Again, I don't care if he's male, his 'concern' is inappropriate to me.

It would have been an OK post if the OP had said they were concerned about their ex getting together with a bad person and was there anything they could do to help. What makes the toes curl is that it doesn't stop there.... he's looked up symptoms on the internet, interviewed this man's ex, and is making all kinds of bizarre assumptions (the man must be impotent?). It therefore goes way beyond the concern of a friend and he has become interfering and intrusive in a rather disturbing way.

A woman saying this about an old flame would be told exactly the same thing. "MYOB. Stop obsessing about your ex and move on....."

I backed out of this thread, because, having read threads in the past, it seems inflammatory for the original (male) poster to stick his head above the parapet by even breathing.

MN is a remarkable institution, full of wit and (sometimes!) depth. But it is also an internet forum, where anonymity allows people to say offensive things they would never say in RL when their brains are engaged to their mouths. It's deeply unpleasant to be on the receiving end of ill-thought out invective.

I suspect I have more life experience than many on this site. I am used, in my personal and professional lives, to having dealings with intelligent, perceptive, thoughtful women on an equal basis. The postings by such women (and men on the same wavelength) in this thread shine out.

Back to the central issue. I have since learned more about the illness; it is complex and I never would have thought other wise. But what I learn is dry and academic. What would have been useful, although there have been some helpful posts, to have heard more from the partners of people with the illness and from sufferers themselves. Help us all learn. It?s like the difference between a history book and a biography, the RL stories give colour. That?s what MN is best at, giving the personal viewpoint.

I would say again that my interest is for my ex?s safety, as (no matter what your definition of rape is) the man raped his wife during the marriage. I won?t expand on that, it would only feed the trolls.

Why didn't you just say that you were worried about your ex because you had learned she was now going out with an alleged rapist?

BTW.... arrogant statements such as 'suspecting you have more life experience' don't endear you to anyone. When in a hole, stop digging.

'The postings by such women...shine out.'
'Yet at the other end of the scale there are clever, insightful comments.'

You're making it sound as though you're only placing value upon posts that agree with you.
Also, your posting style is far more likely to be the reason for many of these responses than your 'Y chromosome'. You're coming across as strange, arrogant and controlling.

If your ex is dating a rapist, that is an entirely different situation than her having a relationship with a man who suffers from a mental illness, and the mind boggles as to why you chose the latter to be the basis for you OP.

I am just wondering if it was her who dumped you.

I know I would have done, at the speed of light. You seem to think that women are stupid and need nice men to tell them what to do and how to live.

My goodness... OP has written a reasonable post admitting that he is concerned about his ex because she is involved with an alleged rapist and still you lot can't stop having a go at him?
Do you have every man on here down as arrogant and controlling?

Well as much as I object to the claim that you have more "life experience" than us (how the fuck can you even justify pretending to know that? You don't know a single one of us!), if you have concerns for the safety of your ex, then you need to work out what to do, baring in mind that anything you say to her may well a) get his ex in trouble with him if your ex repeats back what you say to her, and / or b) make you look like a jealous possessive arse.

Tread carefully. And next time, don't drip feed.

Don't you find his last post rather arrogant and patronising pennymixup... ? Message boards are purely text. We don't have the advantage of judging body-language, tone of voice or similar. We can only judge it by style and content. The content, in this case, has changed enough from the first post to the last one that we know he's drip-feeding... this never helps. Then to lob in some condescending stuff about how he knows some intelligent women and they're not on this thread ... are you surprised there's hostility?

I won?t expand on that, it would only feed the trolls.

Well, charity begins at home :)