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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP says sex toys 'emasculate' him. I am rather upset about this

80 replies

lieback · 12/10/2012 19:44

By upset I mean frustrated.

I don't want to give the idea that I am a vibrator addict or anything, I'm really not, but I do like a toy or two in bed. We don't use them every time but I do like them. DP says he feels like he can't satisfy me without them and this emasculates him. This comes on top of his recent declaration that he no longer likes oral, so I won't be getting that anymore. I don't orgasm through penetration alone and I feel that what were the best bits of sex, for me, have been removed. I also feel like its possible/probable that he doesn't really want to have sex with me at all and he no longer likes me.

I'm not really asking anything, I'm just sad.

We've been together over 15 years.

OP posts:

hermioneweasley · 12/10/2012 19:47

Sad for you lieback. Sex isn't ok if he's not willing to do the things you enjoy. By the way, completely normal not to be able to climax from penetration alone.

piprabbit · 12/10/2012 19:48

It does sound as though he's got some odd ideas about his mighty sword of satisfaction being all you need.

Is there any scope of compromise - sometimes with...sometimes without?

Bellie · 12/10/2012 19:49

I am sad for you too.
DP doesn't like them all the time, but he is also away a lot, so I do have them for myself too.
I find it hard to orgasm with just penetration too, so I feel your frustration.

Original poster

lieback · 12/10/2012 19:54

He does have some odd ideas and they are completely new and unexpected. He isn't one of those men who think boys shouldn't push prams, he is meterosexual to the point of camp. I'm hoping its a phase. I don't want to sound completely shallow but I don't think I could accept it if it was going to be long term.

OP posts:

Offred · 12/10/2012 19:56

Yes agree sad for you but it really isn't something he should be blamed for. It is quite brave to stand up and say you don't like some kind of sexual behaviour if it has become expected. I can see where he's coming from with the sex toys. I don't think you'd like it if he could only come through a sex act you didn't like performing or by feeling some massive pretend breasts while shagging you.

On the other side I would say don't be downhearted. He must be bothered about pleasing you otherwise he wouldn't have been performing oral sex when he didn't like it or tolerating the toys when they knocked his self esteem and if he didn't want to save the relationship why have such a difficult conversation?

I think sexuality is constantly evolving, it is a mistake, bar orgasm through penetration, to think that if you haven't found something enjoyable before that you are incapable of enjoying it. You need to think whether you want to move on from this relationship because you feel sexually incompatible or whether you want to see if you can find a sexual relationship with him that you both enjoy.

Please don't blame him for not wanting things that you want, it isn't his fault and I understand you are sad so you kind of know that already!

Helltotheno · 12/10/2012 19:56

Did he give you a reason for the cessation of activities south of the border? I'm ruling out you being a stranger to the shower unless you say otherwise. You can always use the toys on your own... In fairness, if you're using them for almost every sexual encounter, it might just be that he wants a break from them?

amistillsexy · 12/10/2012 19:56

You are not sounding shallow at all, OP. You should not be in a relationship that you don't find fulfilling (in avery sense!).

Original poster

lieback · 12/10/2012 20:05

He has never been that into oral so its not something he has done much of ever really. He is saying he 'enjoys it sometimes' but he said it in such an unconvincing manner that I'm not convinced he has ever enjoyed it, which makes me feel awful. He prefers it (receiving it) to vaginal sex so possibly he just thought he ought to occasionally return the favour.

OP posts:

boodles · 12/10/2012 20:05

So he has taken away everything that will give you an orgasm (vibes and oral) and he thinks that is ok?! Honestly how would he feel if you denied him an orgasm. I don't think he is 'brave' at all, I think he sounds selfish.

Offred · 12/10/2012 20:09

Why is it selfish to feel uncomfortable with sex toys and to not like performing oral sex? Would you say the same if it was a man op saying their female dp wouldn't perform oral sex anymore and had stopped them watching porn while they have sex? No person should be expected to do or tolerate things they feel uncomfortable with sexually. It doesn't have to be for reasons other people think are justifiable, it can be just because they don't want to!

Original poster

lieback · 12/10/2012 20:10

I don't blame him for not wanting the things that I want, esp the oral. I think an element that I am struggling with is I love seeing him turned on and I can orgasm without him laying a finger on me just through reacting to the way his body reacts to what I do to him. I realised that he doesn't care that much if I'm turned on or not and all these years that I thought he did he was just doing duty things until we got to the important for him bit.

OP posts:

Helltotheno · 12/10/2012 20:13

OK well now that you put it like that, that ain't good. Basically if you sense a lack of interest/doing things out of duty, it's not your imagination.

Does he look for bumsex?

AKissIsNotAContract · 12/10/2012 20:14

I'd be really hurt if my partner stopped wanting to go down on me.

What's the rest of your relationship like? You mentioned above that he is metrosexual. Do you think he might be gay?

Original poster

lieback · 12/10/2012 20:14

I'm leaning more towards selfish than brave but I wouldn't expect him to expect me to do stuff in bed that I didn't like either. If I don't want to give him a blow job then I'd be pretty hacked off to be called selfish.

OP posts:

Offred · 12/10/2012 20:14

What makes you say he doesn't care if you are turned on?

Offred · 12/10/2012 20:17

Cos I don't look at it the way boodles does. I look at it as though for years he has been doing things he didn't like because he wanted to please you and now he has got comfortable enough with you to say he doesn't like them.

Helltotheno · 12/10/2012 20:17

Well tbh, I think the major giveaway there is, he know oral does but if he's not prepared to do that, and she's still delivering, then yes it's clear her being turned on is not his number anything priority.

Any porn OP?

Viviennemary · 12/10/2012 20:18

I think they are awful. As bad as men looking at porn. This is probably the wrong thread for me.

Original poster

lieback · 12/10/2012 20:21

Tried bumsex once years ago. i didn't like it, he's never brought it up again.

Don't think he's gay, he likes breasts women too much. It is something we have talked about as I am bisexual and he is from a country where homosexuality was only recently been made legal, his uncle is gay as is my best friend. He would have come out by now.

I know he's seen porn but I don't think its anything that he sits around watching now.

OP posts:

BigWitchLegsInWailyTights · 12/10/2012 20:22

try counselling. I personally hate oral and DH loves it...he gets a bit big eyed about it now and then but doesn't feel sad..,,,it's only a small part of sex...re the sex aids...it's not selfish to not like those either.

It just sounds like you've got to a point where you're on different pages...and need an outsiders help?

Offred · 12/10/2012 20:22

Good lord helltotheno! What an awful post "she's still delivering" if she isn't comfortable with the things she's doing she shouldn't be doing them and if she is then what exactly is she "delivering"? The choice she has is try to find ways they are sexually compatible or leave because they aren't, there's no "she's still delivering" you would be quite rightly crucified on here if the genders were reversed and you made that comment!

BigWitchLegsInWailyTights · 12/10/2012 20:24

Good post offred

Offred · 12/10/2012 20:25

And I don't know how you can say that when for years he's been putting up with things he didn't like because he knew it was important to the op! I'd say she's been high up his priorities but that kind of sexual thing absolutely kills the relationship because it destroys intimacy and makes you feel used and degraded.

Original poster

lieback · 12/10/2012 20:25

I think he doesn't care if I'm turned on because he doesn't want to do my cast iron guaranteed turning on activities. Oral I get, nobody should have to do that if they don't want to but seriously, is a little buzz vibrator really hurting? I don't have any giant cock like ones because as I mentioned I don't get off on penetration alone and I have a cock, right there, attached to my DP.

OP posts:

boodles · 12/10/2012 20:25

offred he is selfish because he is taken away/made her feel bad about using anything that will give her an orgasm. You cannot compare watching porn with using a vibrator/oral sex with your husband. No no one should be expected to do anything like oral, however you should also not expect your husband or wife to not have an orgasm again whilst you are having them yourself. That, to ME, is selfish.

I think this all boils down to the fact that a male orgasm is an expected thing but people treat the female one as a 'treat' or something. It isn't. BOTH parties should have a satisfying sex life.

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