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Original poster

DP says sex toys 'emasculate' him. I am rather upset about this

80 replies

lieback · 12/10/2012 19:44

By upset I mean frustrated.

I don't want to give the idea that I am a vibrator addict or anything, I'm really not, but I do like a toy or two in bed. We don't use them every time but I do like them. DP says he feels like he can't satisfy me without them and this emasculates him. This comes on top of his recent declaration that he no longer likes oral, so I won't be getting that anymore. I don't orgasm through penetration alone and I feel that what were the best bits of sex, for me, have been removed. I also feel like its possible/probable that he doesn't really want to have sex with me at all and he no longer likes me.

I'm not really asking anything, I'm just sad.

We've been together over 15 years.

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 12/10/2012 20:26

But this man has pretty much removed any chance of the OP reaching orgasm during sex. So that is not a small part of sex.

Original poster
lieback · 12/10/2012 20:27

Re 'delivering' I love giving oral. Absolutely love it. I'm no doing it as a favour.

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 12/10/2012 20:27

But would he necessarily have come out though? OK put it this way, I know a handful of men (friends we'll say), who are married with children... amazing dads and family men, but I'm actually convinced they're gay. Let me qualify that by saying me being convinced doesn't in any way shape or form mean it's fact....it's just from various things I've observed. All of them love women.. almost in a different way to other men I know though....

.... ... I do think a handful of men out there override what they are in order to get something else (a conventional family structure etc.).

So you think then that if you were up for bumsex, he'd be wanting a lot of bumsex?

BigWitchLegsInWailyTights · 12/10/2012 20:29

But what if the sex aids turn him off? So hes not happy during sex either! That's not fair is it?

Offred · 12/10/2012 20:30

No it doesn't. It is highly unlikely that the op can only come using a vibrator or from oral. It is incredibly selfish of her to expect that her partner do things he doesn't want to do (it does not matter at all what you think about what he should be allowed to think or feel) instead of her trying to find other ways of climaxing. It is nothing at all to do with female orgasm not being important and everything to do with this one female insisting on dictating entirely the ways she will climax and insisting that her partner perform them. That's why there are two options when he isn't comfortable with the very specified sexual terms; leave because his right to dictate his sexual terms is incompatible with yours or try to find different ways he is comfortable with to climax.

Woozley · 12/10/2012 20:30

I think you should find mutually satisfying things to do which you both like. If he isn't comfortable with things that's fine, you should respect that, just as if he asks you to do stuff you don't like he should respect that too. But I do wonder why you have suddenly become sexually incompatible after 15 years. Surely there must be some common ground.

BigWitchLegsInWailyTights · 12/10/2012 20:30

Hell a man wanting "lots of bumsex" is NOT a clue he is gay. Many gay men don't do bumsex at all.

Helltotheno · 12/10/2012 20:32

Don't be so sensitive offred... I used those words very deliberately, and specifically in the context that he's not delivering for her. The choice of words was relevant. I would've said exactly the same thing were the OP male. Reading too much into that methinks....

Helltotheno · 12/10/2012 20:33

BigWitch I absolutely agree that in most cases you're right.

boodles · 12/10/2012 20:34

Bloody hell offred are you a surrendered wife or something. OP is nothing like a dictator. Also why doesn't he bloody well try other ways to make her come if he is that bloody fantastic and open to her needs. Oh no, I forgot, it is the place of the little woman to do the pleasing for the man.....

Original poster
lieback · 12/10/2012 20:35

I can have an orgasm without vibes I just don't want to and I didn't even own one until about 8 years ago. I'm honestly not rolling one out every time we have sex. I wouldn't even use one everytime I'm 'alone'. I've got perfectly good fingers. If he said sometimes but not everytime then that would fine and pretty much what we do anyway.

OP posts:
Offred · 12/10/2012 20:35

No I'm not reading too much into that, sex is not about delivering but sharing surely. He has been "delivering" for 15 years and I get that finding that out would be quite possibly a deal breaker because I would feel desperately upset that he hasn't been able to tell me before now and would see that part as really hurtful. BUT it does not mean he is selfish at all in my book.

Original poster
lieback · 12/10/2012 20:36

Hellto, he would have come out to me, if not anyone else. We're really close Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
lieback · 12/10/2012 20:38

Offred, it is hurtful.

OP posts:
Offred · 12/10/2012 20:38

Boodles - what about what I have said makes you think I'm a surrendered wife?! Jeez...

I haven't seen anything at all in the op's posts saying he won't do other things.

I think if you don't want other things then that's equally fine but it means you are sexually incompatible and you have to decide what you do about that because any sex life you do have is only going to be unfulfilling for you both.

It however is not his fault and it is not him being selfish.

AKissIsNotAContract · 12/10/2012 20:39

If oral and sex toys were removed from my sex life I don't think I could find another way to orgasm. I don't think you can make yourself orgasm through penetration just through force of will. If it were that easy all women could. That leave hands. I have my own hands, which have 30 years of practice of getting myself off. Someone else's hands are never quite that good.

I think it's the fact that things have changed after 15 years that is more of a concern. It seems a very long time to pretend to enjoy things if you actually don't. Have you any idea what caused the change OP?

Helltotheno · 12/10/2012 20:40

sex is not about delivering but sharing surely

Well it's a number of things for me, and depending on how I feel, delivering is one of them.

Though I do agree on one thing: OP you should be able to ask your DP a direct question about why he doesn't want to do certain activities. Put it this way, if my DH suddenly gave up something he HAD been doing, I would actually cease everything until I knew why. He owes you that much communication ......

Original poster
lieback · 12/10/2012 20:41

" I do wonder why you have suddenly become sexually incompatible after 15 years"

Me too. I wonder if he is just having a dip in sex drive, he has been putting up with it for 15 years and has finally had enough, he just doesn't like me anymore, he is shagging someone else he isn't, he hasn't got time. I just don't know.

OP posts:
Offred · 12/10/2012 20:43

Lie back - I really think that would be the part I'd struggle to get over whether it was because he wasn't confident or because he didn't think he should talk about it if he has felt like that for so long it is like a betrayal really because you thought you were compatible and you find out now you are not. But still, it is important you are able to talk to each other about these things and it is the timescale rather than the actual sexual incompatibility. I think it will have soured the sex you have had up until now because it is like it was a lie whereas he'll always have known how he felt. But where do you go from here? You can't put pressure on him to do things you don't want and he can't you?

Original poster
lieback · 12/10/2012 20:44

I don't think he can have been pretending for 15 years. He certainly seemed to be having fun. Did I mention that he bought my first vibe? Hmm

I've got to go out for a bit, I'm not ignoring you.

OP posts:
boodles · 12/10/2012 20:45

Perhaps he should be offered a medal, you know, for putting up with his dictator wife forcing him, for 15 years, to go down on her and use sex toys. Poor chap, how did he cope with all those reciprical orgasms.

boodles · 12/10/2012 20:46

Maybe he felt pressured into buying you a vibe Lieback. He thought that is what all good husbands do Wink

Offred · 12/10/2012 20:53

Boodles I fail to see how that is in any way helpful. Just what is it you suggest? Cos I'm not saying lie back had been a dictator wife I'm saying he should have spoken up sooner but it still isn't him being selfish that he has now articulated his needs.

Lieback -

Maybe he hasn't always felt that way. Maybe you need to talk again about how long he has been feeling like this. It is a difficult issue because while he should be able to articulate how he feels that shouldn't prevent you explaining how hurtful it is to feel now like he's never enjoyed sex.

solidgoldbrass · 12/10/2012 21:16

Lieback: I think the crucial thing is, what things is he willing to do that give you an orgasm? Does he object, for instance, to using his fingers or your fingers, as well? Does he have trouble reaching orgasm?

While I do agree that no one should have to do anything sexually which they find disgusting or painful or frightening, someone who wants 'sex' to consist entirely of things that give them pleasure without considering what works for the other person is someone who is crap in bed and selfish. Oral sex, for instance, is not something that is physically pleasurable to the person giving it; the pleasure comes from the awareness that the receiver is enjoying it, and the anticipation of reciprocal pleasure later.

Offred · 12/10/2012 21:29

I think that's a leap though sgb. She hasn't said he isn't willing to do things he does feel comfortable with or that he isnt bothered about her enjoyment, only that he has said he isn't comfortable with certain things they do just now, and she hasn't commented about the balance of orgasms. She did say she doesn't want him to do other things to help her orgasm. I don't think you can expect people to do things for you sexually unless they find them painful or frightening. People are entitled to refuse any particular thing for any reason they like and it doesn't necessarily make them selfish. If someone doesnt want to provide what you want out of your sex life they shouldn't be expected to provide it whether they are male or female and you are free to make you decision about what you do but not about what they do.

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