DP says sex toys 'emasculate' him. I am rather upset about this

[lieback]

By upset I mean frustrated.

I don't want to give the idea that I am a vibrator addict or anything, I'm really not, but I do like a toy or two in bed. We don't use them every time but I do like them. DP says he feels like he can't satisfy me without them and this emasculates him. This comes on top of his recent declaration that he no longer likes oral, so I won't be getting that anymore. I don't orgasm through penetration alone and I feel that what were the best bits of sex, for me, have been removed. I also feel like its possible/probable that he doesn't really want to have sex with me at all and he no longer likes me.

I'm not really asking anything, I'm just sad.

We've been together over 15 years.

Lieback said she feels like he doesn't want sex anymore...and that he doesn't like her. Those are the real issues here.

It sounds like he is withdrawing more and more from your sexual relationship. If my DP was taking away things I loved during sex, I would be questioning not only his feelings for me, but his interest in keeping sex pleasurable for me.

Placing restrictions on your sex life making it boring for you, keeping in with all the stuff he likes, and taking away the things you like, smacks of control to me, id go as far as to call it cruel. He doesnt want the vibrator to give you an orgasm, as it takes away from him doing it but doesn't like going down either, does he just want penetrative sex? What's he like in other areas of your relationship?

Relationships are about compromise, I'm not that keen on blowjobs I'll be honest, but I do as I know my DP loves them, and I like seeing him turned on. It must hurt, that he withholds something he knows you enjoy, IME most partners enjoy seeing and doing things the other likes, it seems strange behaviour from your DH.

I actually think the issue is that, although you say you're very close, he hasn't confided in you what's wrong, even though you know in your heart there's something wrong. Why so, if you're so close?

Offred, I do feel like he isn't bothered about my enjoyment. I don't want him to not do other things so I can orgasm but to take away both of those things is a huge deal for me.

SGB he is perfectly happy to use fingers but I find that tends to annoy me because I am better at it which in this particular instance will lead us back to his emasculation argument.

Hellto I'm not sure he knows whats wrong. He knows he doesn't like oral sex but he has never loved it so that wasn't a shocker. He feels like he can't make me orgasm without vibes so that emasculates him. The facts that we don't always use them seems to have slipped past him. He hasn't told me why this should make him feel emasculated or why his feeling manly is suddenly such a big deal to him but I don't know if it is something that he is deliberately keeping from me, something he can't articulate effectively or if he just doesn't have the answers himself.

Junebug I get your point but I think its a little extreme. He is perfectly nice in other areas. He works very hard but still does a reasonable amount of housework without needing direction or supervision. He makes sure he does a few things with the dcs every week even tough it means going into work insanely early to get home in time. He is nice to his mother and waitresses. He grits other peoples paths in winter. He buys thoughtful gifts. He sits through films and plays that he thinks are dull as fuck because he knows I like them.

He sounds like a nice guy overall. I'd say go back to basics, ditch the vibe for a while and see if things improve. Tell him he has to try and work out what's up because it's ruining things a bit for you. When I say give up the vibe, just keep it for private use for a while....

I don't know, it sounds more like an emotional issue than a sexual one. I think you need to get to the bottom of why he's feeling so emasculated. It may not even be related to your sex life at all and I'm not convinced he is withdrawing from you so much as feeling withdrawn.

Is it just this recent withdrawal and comments that make you feel he doesn't care about your enjoyment?

I dunno, if my partner told me after FIFTEEN years that he had never liked giving me oral sex I'd be pretty much devastated....

OP, if you think back to the last ten times you had sex, did you have an orgasm each time? Out of those ten times, how many times did you receive oral sex and how many times did you use a vibrator? Sorry if the questions are intrusive, just trying to get a sense of what he's on about.

Just a word of caution, NEVER think that a man is too busy to have an affair. I made that mistake. I even felt sorry for him because he was so busy.

OP, how about, as an experiment, just saying next time "how you gonna make me come my gorgeous handsome sexy darling or whatever terms of endearment you deem appropriate " If said in a playful way, and as part of the whole sex shebang...." come on horny boy, show me a thing or two" etc then might it not be fun to see what lovely things he might come up with?

Or am I way off?

I think his idea of giving her an orgasm is to let her give him oral sex.

i think.... youve been together 15 years, youre still having sex. Yay.

Hes felt comfortable enough to have a frank discussion with you saying that hes feeling emasculated. Rightly or wrongly, thats what hes feeling. Its quite a big thing for a guy to say, so he must be fairly in touch with his feelings.
Youre thinking hes making excuses and are panicking youre not gonna get any orgasms. Thats fair.

You need to both have a proper talk about what makes you both happy sexually. What is it about the toys that are making him feel emasculated? Are they dildo shaped and bigger than him?? My dp would get a bit funny about that too. I think thats understandable. Id probably feel the same if my dp decided he wanted to use a smaller tighter fleshlight to get off after having sex with me, whether he enjoyed it or not.
Bottom line is, somethings going amiss. What is it about oral he doesnt like. Is there anything you could do to entice him to enjoy it again? Trim, shave, make sure its super clean at all times?? Makes a difference for some guys.

There are also non threatening sex toys he might be ok with. My dp bought me this one recently www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=18074 and its really really good.

It just sounds like youre losing your way and need a heart to heart, or maybe some sort of sex therapy. Youre doing really well and im sure you can sort this out x

WTF is a fleshlight?

I am frightened to Google it

its a kind of rubber fanny in a torch shaped thing for guys to wank with.

seriously :P

you can get mouth and bum shaped ones too!

much less socially acceptable than a dildo though for some reason

On a purely practical level, try using your own fingers while he is penetrating you. Works for me.

you can get mouth and bum shaped ones too!

Oh right. I think I used to work for one, actually.

Blimey.

Well I think if a bloke said he couldn't enjoy sex fully unless he was allowed to take his bum-shaped fleshlight to bed, he'd get short shrift, wouldn't he?

well yes, but a lot of women expect any bloke theyre shagging to be A-OK and fully confident with her wanking off with a rubber cock during or after sex.

I think hes not being truthful about the oral sex thing. He must enjoy it if hes skilled enough to make you come from it. He must have at least enjoyed the making you orgasm aspect and giving you pleasure for the last 15 years, even if the actual act of it was not his favourite thing ever.

I think hes got other issues about sex that need to be talked about to get it all back on track

Why are some men emasculated by sex toys? If a woman I was with brought out her toys I'd think GET IN !!

Gay, I think the OP's husband is thinking she doesn't want him to get in!

I can totally see why you are upset - I love oral sex and would be devastated if it were taken away, it would make me feel repulsive and the fact that he has previously done it and now claims not to like it, I would feel deceived. Like all that time he's been doing it he's been lying back and thinking of England. Not nice. I agree with posters that say he's taking away things that she enjoys. What is he bringing to the table? It's very odd. Do I actually enjoy the act of oral sex when I break it down? Probably not, but I enjoy giving it because I enjoy turning my partner on.

Regarding the porn/ toy comparison, I wonder if perhaps there is a subtle difference especially with why they look like nowadays. I'm personally not a big user of them but they're all purple and glittery rather than the ones that imitate penises. Obviously they're phallic in shape but they can be used together with limited concern over running off with a sex toy, if it's more attractive etc - unless some men do worry about a rampant rabbit outperforming them and no one got exploited to make them (assuming they aren't made by children in sweatshop conditions). Porn on the other hand can be anti women's enjoyment of sex, exploitative, body insecurity. I understand the parallels that might be drawn though. Just thinking out loud as to why I think it's different. Perhaps I just think having it both ways is fine.

Do you feel cared for in other areas of your relationship or is sex another area where you feel your needs are not a priority?

Bottom line is, somethings going amiss. What is it about oral he doesnt like. Is there anything you could do to entice him to enjoy it again? Trim, shave, make sure its super clean at all times?? Makes a difference for some guys.

I wonder what sort of reaction there would be if we women were to say that we want guys to shave down there like its just expected.
Maybe if they did shave that would make a difference for some women too.

As for saying "make sure its super clean at all times"
a. im willing to bet that the OP does that anyway.
Dont really think your comments could have been any more mysogynistic and patronising, pumpkin.