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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have upset DH and I dont know how to fix it.

41 replies

Vagaceratops · 11/10/2012 18:23

I have been mulling this over for a while and I dont know what to do. Sorry if its rambling.

I have a private, stakeholder pension. I have had it for a couple of years. I pay into it from my own account (not our joint one).

DH has a pension he has paid into for work, this comes out of our joint account. He has always said that this is our retirement fund.

I opened my own because I dont want to be left with nothing should anything happen to us. I think this is DH's main issue, that I have a back-up plan.

He is quite miffed, in a 'are you not committed' way. I have tried explaining that its only just for worst case scenario, especially as I have been a SAHM/Carer for the last 5 years. I am 100% committed and can see my future with DH.

What do I do. I cant fix it and there is an awful tension in the house.

OP posts:

Original poster

Vagaceratops · 11/10/2012 18:24

Oh crap. I thought this was in Relationships.

OP posts:

Lonecatwithkitten · 11/10/2012 18:25

Women should always have their own pension. That is where I stand.

YouMayLogOut · 11/10/2012 18:27

Well if he has a pension why shouldn't you? You could equally be offended that he has his own one.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 11/10/2012 18:28

I think he's being silly. If he loves you he will want you to have security and not be worrying about what ifs.

If he is focussing in one little thing and using that to claim you aren't committed, instead of focussing on all the things you do that show you are committed, then he is being quite childish and it sounds like he just needs some ego stroking. Annoying, but it has to be done sometimes.

rollmeover · 11/10/2012 18:29

Very sensible for you both to have a pension (and tax efficient too). What if he dies/get sick/made redundant (so not even if you split up)? His pension may not provide enough for you all. Its not about trust it about proper financial planning as a family.

Why dont you go to an independant financial adviser and see what they say? (Im sure they would agreee with you but perhaps your DH would take it "better" from an outsider).
To contrast with your situation Im a SAHM and have 10 years pension from previous employment and my DH worries that I dont have enough because it makes so much sense for both of you to be saving for your retirement.

LilyCocoplatt · 11/10/2012 18:29

How about explaining to him that it is to protect you in the case of unexpected widowhood not relationship breakdown, sadly I have two friends whose DHs died in their 30s unexpectedly and I know that at least one of them didn't have any financial backup plan in this event and is now struggling to meet her mortgage payments and living costs.

Original poster

Vagaceratops · 11/10/2012 18:30

I think the thing is that I have my own which is mine. He has always stated that his is 'ours'

Not wanting to drip feed, but I set mine up after my Mum and Step-dad divorced. He had a nice occupational pension and my Mum has nothing so will have to rely on the equity in her house (not much) and state pension.

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Boardiegirl · 11/10/2012 18:31

As he calls his yor retirement fund u cud call yors the retirement fund top up? For extras like hols, a conservatory or woteva floats yor joint boat. I dnt see why hes miffed tbh, unless ur refusin to allow him to 'share' it wen u both retire.

Adversecamber · 11/10/2012 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FryOneGhoulishGhostlyManic · 11/10/2012 18:34

How can your DH's pension be "ours" when it's in his name and if you were to divorce, there's no guarantee that you would be awarded a share in it? I know pensions are meant to be taken into consideration in divorces, but you are preparing for an eventuality.

If he dies early, what guarantees have you got that anything gets paid out to you? Much better to have your own pension.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 11/10/2012 18:35

I have my own pension through work. It never occurred to me my hubby might not like it.
Surely when you are still together and old, it will be better to have 2 pensions coming in than one?

QuietNinjaTardis · 11/10/2012 18:36

Actually what boardiegirl said once I'd deciphered it might be a sweetener. If the worst was too happen you would have some financial security but if you do grow old together, as you are hoping then you've got some extra cash to play with. Or tell him not to be so daft.

akaemmafrost · 11/10/2012 18:38

You haven't upset dh. Dh has upset dh. He's being daft. I might say something like this as a joke but I would certainly not be upset about it and have an atmosphere. It's good sense, what you've done.

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly · 11/10/2012 18:39

Also yours is paid out of your money & his is out of family money?

NatashaBee · 11/10/2012 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 11/10/2012 18:41

He might have always 'stated' that it is yours and shared but it isn't, it is his. So I'm not sure why he is sulking when you are both doing the exact same thing and it will pay off for both if you in the future

AThingInYourLife · 11/10/2012 18:42

So he wants to to be financially vulnerable to prove your commitment to him?

That is some seriously screwed up reasoning.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 11/10/2012 18:44

Call yours the Golden Wedding Cruise Fund or something to make it sound less "formal" - maybe he is just having a "OMG I am mortal" moment and doesn't want to think about the circumstances which would leave you alone iyswim.

Oldandcobwebby · 11/10/2012 18:45

I speak as a bloke! I am so glad that my wife has her own pension, hence building us a bigger nest egg. To say that this makes her uncommitted to our marriage is crazy. Everyone who can afford it should save towards their retirement.

NathanDetroit · 11/10/2012 18:45

I'm confused - does he not want you to have a pension at all, or pay into a joint one? Why wouldn't he want you to be OK when you're older, regardless of him?

Is he like this about other things, although I can't think of any examples

DontmindifIdo · 11/10/2012 18:53

hmm, perhaps explain to him it's not about "what if DH leaves me?" more "What if DH is hit by a bus and I don't get his full pension?" or "What if DH's pension isn't enough for us to live off?"

Ask him why it's important to him that you are reliant on him in old age?

Original poster

Vagaceratops · 11/10/2012 18:53

I suppose its the idea of why I started the pension, so that I wouldnt be screwed if we did split.

I can see why he is upset. He think I think we are doomed to failure which I dont at all, but I do want a back-up plan.

He does want me to have a pension, but not for those reasons I suppose.

OP posts:

rollmeover · 11/10/2012 18:59

Ok, so he does want to you have a pension but he is unsettled by the idea that you are thinking of it as an escape route. Is this poor communication? So slightly different. He is still being an idiot but if you have couched it in those terms exactly then you could see why it might put his nose out.

He says that his pension is "yours" - do you view your pension also as "yours" or for you alone?

To me it seems like sensible financial planning for everyone to have a pension and financial independence but I think you need to explain why you want that security (a look on the relationship boards at all the middle adged men who leave their partners is good enough) not that you think he is going to leave you (or you him).

Original poster

Vagaceratops · 11/10/2012 19:34

I dont know if I can take back what I have said though :(.

I will try again to explain it to him.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 11/10/2012 19:39

What about if he dies before you. Usually oension is halved and you'd be screwed. It's just like a life assurance thing

Might that work?

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