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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

He's obsessed with sex...

416 replies

Littleblue · 10/10/2012 11:27

We have been dating six months , and they have largely been the happiest ever for me , except for his obsession with sex.... he takes it as rejection if I turn him down , and mostly manages to get over it.... but I turned him down last night , I was tired and stressed and not in the mood , (and his expectation is a huge turn off anyway)We were snuggled up , and he kept groping me which I was fending off but gently , to me it should be clear by then?! so he turns my face to his and insists on proper tongue snogging , which I had been evading... I HATE snogging if i'm not in the mood for sex.. I'm not frigid , when were both in the right mood the sex is incredible....he seems to think that because thats the case , we should ALWAYS be at it... so pissed off ,he turned his back on me last night, he's clearly sulking today...Angry

OP posts:
Littleblue · 12/10/2012 13:13

''>to me it should be clear by then?!
Hi, I'm a man and you really should just say "no" you have to be really clear and use words! (You may well have said "no", but you don't actually say it in your post.)

BTW he's not obsessed with sex, he's just a man. I want sex all the time as well if I'm near my DW...''

OP posts:
Offred · 12/10/2012 13:17

At least others who thought that actually had the confidence in themselves and their beliefs to post publicly rather than trying to secretly manipulate someone who might be extremely vulnerable, jeez, glad you've got your fuck off hat on littleblue.

Offred · 12/10/2012 13:19

From: saddadgladdad
To: Offred
Subject: why does he want to have sex with you when you don
Date: Fri 12-Oct-12 06:18:53
why does he want to have sex with you when you don't want it?
Silly question. I'm sure you want sex with loads of people who don't want sex with you. I certainly do

lol
PS I guess you ment somthing along the lines of "Why does he keep asking ..."

Littleblue · 12/10/2012 13:20

thinks monkey spankers need adding to more than one christmas list tbh...

OP posts:
Offred · 12/10/2012 13:20

I said:
From: Offred
To: saddadgladdad
Subject: Re: why does he want to have sex with you when you see original
Date: Fri 12-Oct-12 06:42:51
No I meant "why does he want to have sex with you when you don't want it?" In the context of the conversation that means why is he still trying after you have already made it clear you dont consent. Are you aware of the law on consent? You have to ascertain it, it is not "she didn't say no". You can't just keep going even though someone is uncomfortable that's sexual assault or rape depending on how far you go. I don't ever want to have sex with people who don't want it no.

Offred · 12/10/2012 13:27

Consent from the cps:

"Reasonable belief in consent
In the offences of rape, assault by penetration, sexual assault and causing a person to engage in sexual activity without consent, a person (A) is guilty of an offence if (s)he:

Acts intentionally;
(B) does not consent to the act; and
(A) does not reasonably believe that B consents.
Deciding whether a belief is reasonable is to be determined having regard to all the circumstances, including any steps A has taken to ascertain whether B consents (subsection (2) of sections 1-4). It is likely that this will include a defendant's attributes, such as disability or extreme youth, but not if (s)he has any particular fetishes.

This is a major change in the law and the Act abolishes the Morgan defence of a genuine though unreasonably mistaken belief as to the consent of the complainant. It means that the defendant (A) has the responsibility to ensure that (B) consents to the sexual activity at the time in question. It will be important for the police to ask the offender in interview what steps (s)he took to satisfy him or herself that the complainant consented in order to show his or her state of mind at the time.

The test of reasonable belief is a subjective test with an objective element. The best way of dealing with this issue is to ask two questions:

(i) Did the defendant believe the complainant consented? This relates to his or her personal capacity to evaluate consent (the subjective element of the test).

(ii) If so, did the defendant reasonably believe it? It will be for the jury to decide if his or her belief was reasonable (the objective element).

Evidential presumptions (section 75)
If the defendant did the relevant act, as defined in section 77 (the sexual activity within sections 1-4), and the circumstances specified in subsection (2) exist and the defendant knew they existed, then the complainant is to be taken not to have consented. These circumstances are:

(a) Any person used/threatened violence against the complainant at the time of the act or immediately before the first sexual activity began;

(b) Any person caused the complainant to fear at the time of the act or immediately before the first sexual act, that violence was being used/would be used immediately against another person;

(c) The complainant was, and the defendant was not, unlawfully detained at the time;

(d) The complainant was asleep or otherwise unconscious at the time;

(e) The complainant was unable to communicate consent to the defendant because of their physical disability e.g. where a complainant is unable to communicate verbally or to nod or shake their head.

(f) Any person administers or causes the complainant to take a substance, without the complainant's consent, which was capable of causing or enabling the complainant to be stupefied or overpowered at the time of the relevant act.

Evidential presumptions - key points:
The defendant has to know that one of the circumstances existed;

The requirement only is that any one circumstance needs to be proved, even though there may be more than one circumstance that existed;
The threat of/actual violence in (a) and (b) need not come from the defendant;
The element in (a) and (b) is one of immediate violence. This is not defined but the courts may define it in a similar way as under the Public Order Act 1986 i.e. not meaning instantaneous violence, but only a relatively short time interval between the act which is threatening and the violence R v Horseferry Road Magistrates' Court ex p. Siadatan [1991] 1 QB 280.
If any one of the presumptions is proved, then the complainant is deemed not to have consented. The Act imposes an evidential burden on the defendant to adduce sufficient evidence to raise an issue that the complainant consented and whether or not the defendant reasonably believed the complainant consented. The question whether the defendant adduces sufficient evidence to raise an issue to be left to a jury is a matter for the judge. The issue should be left to a jury where the evidence, if accepted, raises a prima facie case. Once the defendant has done this, it will be for the prosecution to prove beyond a reasonable doubt, that the complainant did not consent and that the defendant did not reasonably believe the complainant consented."

Littleblue · 12/10/2012 13:29

Another Mr Entitlement ... with no sense of respect or boundaries..... spoke to my idiot earlier , he's clearly hung up on the earlier "sexy talk" etc in our relationship.... can't seem to grasp that evaporated alongside the TRUST last time he kicked off like a spoilt child.... I envy my lesbian friends sometimes...

OP posts:
Littleblue · 12/10/2012 13:31

Ohh... yes , have woken to being fondled after a heavy nights drinking.... thats a big no in this context too.... sorry chaps , women don't like being assaulted.. simple as that

OP posts:
fuckadoodlepoopoo · 12/10/2012 13:35

Bloody hell!

Littleblue · 12/10/2012 13:38

points various men in direction of sexshop and blowups dolls

OP posts:
Littleblue · 12/10/2012 13:38

In the corner with your noopy chaps.. Grin

OP posts:
reallysilly · 12/10/2012 13:47

It's men like these who have messed my head up and made me think there was something wrong with me.

Littleblue you sound strong. I hope you get your message across to this man. And definitely yes to sending these men to the sexshops for their blowup dolls.

What a nerve for him to touch you in that way, how dare he! I want to boot him out for you. Grrr

Littleblue · 12/10/2012 13:52

I have a high sex drive... this is where hes hung up , cos women dont get horny when the wind changes like men do... scuse my crudity... but the whole rutting thing is for Teenagers , Jack Russells....and Farms , if you retain your womans love and respect , and trust , its fine.... soon as you start fucking with her head? sahara

OP posts:
BigBroomstickBIWI · 12/10/2012 13:55

I hope those of you who have been receiving these PMs have reported them to MNHQ?

Littleblue · 12/10/2012 13:59

Yup ;)

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 12/10/2012 14:19

So you're over with this guy now LittleBlue? All done and dusted? How did he react?

Offred · 12/10/2012 14:33

I don't know HQ would be bothered. Last time they just said block and they like people to sort things out between themselves.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/10/2012 14:43

Oh, I've heard a few horror stories about lesbian relationships too, so I wouldn't be too envious of your friends! The problems may be different (no built-in device to prod you with in the night and no possibility of making you pregnant, to name but two) but women can make just as much of a nuisance of themselves if they've a mind. Just look at all the toxic mothers, MILs, SILs, Bridezillas and other friends and relatives from hell on here, even if you don't have any in your own life, and ponder: most of these dreadful women have partners too, the poor saps.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/10/2012 14:49

And reallysilly, consider this: if one persists in giving unwanted attention, is that really love? Isn't love about putting the other person's wants/needs before your own? If you were found hugging your baby while it howled its eyes out, instead of attending to what it really wanted, would SS accept the excuse that you loved it so much you just had to keep holding it? Would the RSPCA, if you treated a household pet that way? "I love you so much that I... won't listen to a word you say unless it agrees with what I personally want at that moment" doesn't quite work, does it? The word he is actually looking for is lust, not love, and it's power-based, not affection-based. He wants, he wants, he wants. Therefore he must have. And you? You're just the object of his wanting, not a human being with rights and wishes of your own. I don't call that love; do you, honestly?

And don't let's even start on the concept of respect at this point.

blackcurrants · 12/10/2012 15:01

Damn right, Annie - someone who doesn't respect your boundaries doesn't really think you're that important. And therefore doesn't really love you.

Apty · 12/10/2012 15:20

Blackcurrants that sounds so simple and obvious, but it's awful how you can lose sight of it so easily, and it's absolutely true. I think I need to write that down and keep it in my pocket.

Littleblue · 12/10/2012 16:54

I'm really struggling to get my head around all of this atm... I know the sucker punch feeling when you have had your head messed with , I just want to sleep...

OP posts:
reallysilly · 12/10/2012 17:00

Yes, it's lust. You're right Annie.(bit of a lightbulb moment for me, thank you!) It's hard to feel good about myself as a woman right now.

Littleblue you can get out easily, you don't have any dc with your "d"p. You have the chance to be with someone who respects you.

reallysilly · 12/10/2012 17:01

You'll get your strength back Littleblue, I'm sure you will.

piratecat · 12/10/2012 17:47

then sleep if you can. you need it. nurture your 'self'. allow your self whatever it needs.

we owe it to ourselves to nurture ourselves. who the hell else will. then we nurture our babies. xx