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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What the hell do I do now?

34 replies

dancethenightaway · 09/10/2012 19:52

Regular MNer NC.

Went to counselling with DH and he says he's leaving he is nasty when drunk, he was vile last Thursday when I told the counsellor he said he was going to leave.
Now he wont speak to me when I asked if hes going tomorrow while Im at work he said he hasnt decided yet, Im devastated.
Dont think hes got another woman but he might I suppose I cant afford to keep our rented house on my own.
I don't know where to turn I feel sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
dancethenightaway · 09/10/2012 19:54

Sorry for dripfeeding do I go to work tomorrow?
stay at home and try to stop him leaving?
I dont know what to do or where to turn.

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 09/10/2012 19:55

Do you have family or friends you can stay with nearby?

He is manipulating you. By saying he is going to leave, then not leaving, he knows that he is calling the shots. If you leave, you tell him you won't take his bullshit.

You deserve better than someone staying with you just because he 'hasn't decided' whether he can be bothered leaving yet!

kinkyfuckery · 09/10/2012 19:56

Personally, I would pack my own bag, stash it somewhere and when you come home from work tomorrow, if he's not gone, I'd grab my bag and be out.

weeza73 · 09/10/2012 19:58

Let him leave. You'll be glad when he is gone and you'll find a way to cope financially. I am trying to leave my OH and will once a few things are sorted. If he left me I'd be extatic unfortunately it's his house so never going to happen.

You deserve better :)

We all do :)

OrangeImperialGoldBlether · 09/10/2012 20:33

Why aren't you thinking Christmas and all of your birthdays have come at once?

Do you have children together or otherwise?

deleted203 · 09/10/2012 20:36

Don't try and stop him leaving, whatever you do! Say firmly, 'Off you go then. I'm going to work tomorrow and I expect you to be out by the time I return'. Don't ask him where he's going. Don't show any interest. You'll be much happier without this nasty man dragging you down and being vile to you. Tell him you've decided - and that the relationship is over.

Original poster
dancethenightaway · 10/10/2012 01:10

I have a DC, not his so no PR been trying to speak to womens aid all evening but can't ge through.
Rang the police while he was gone he came back of course just as the police turned up.
Hes asleep now thank god will keep trying womens aid dont know what else to do DC says they are scared and want to leeave.
You are right he is manipulating by saying he is going then not going anywhere I can usually spell sorry,

OP posts:
timetochange70 · 10/10/2012 01:13

Why did you call the police ?

Original poster
dancethenightaway · 10/10/2012 01:31

The womens aid helpline said to call 101 for advice. dh has pattern of behaviour. gets angry,goes missing,gets drunk,comes home,is aggressive.Me and dc were scared.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 10/10/2012 01:34

What was his reaction to the police being there on his return? Did you get to speak the police? Did they speak to him?

ThatVikRinA22 · 10/10/2012 01:38

let him go.
whatever you feel, bluff it. sounds like you need to start carving out a life for yourself and you could be well rid tbh.

you might find when you are not available he will need you. then you call the shots. i would continue in counselling and think long and hard about the life you want and deserve, and whether its with this man who is playing games with you.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 10/10/2012 01:39

Are you ok dancing ? Hope you have gone to bed and are getting some kip.

Original poster
dancethenightaway · 10/10/2012 01:42

hi unlikely no Im not in bed yet and Im ok. I would be happy if he would go but he will string it all out at very least and tbh I want it ended now, not to mess around on his terms.
He was angry the police were there but knew better than to show it when they were just a phone call away.

OP posts:
Longdistance · 10/10/2012 01:55

I think if he hasn't left by tomorrow, then leave yourself with your dc. If my dc told me they were scared, I'd be out like a shot, as my dc comes first.
Is there someone you can stay with nearby?

Original poster
dancethenightaway · 10/10/2012 07:32

one way or another i hope to leave today,rang in sick to work so when he's gone out to work its go go go.
not much sleep,feel half mad.

OP posts:
olgaga · 10/10/2012 09:09

Hope you are OK. You are doing the right thing leaving - you have to put yourself and your children first in these situations.

Longdistance · 10/10/2012 13:32

Hope you're ok, and good luck. Keep us posted, and let us know how you get on. You're doing the right thing x

Original poster
dancethenightaway · 10/10/2012 13:49

We are alright waiting to hear back about a refuge as suggested by the police and he is volatile and unpredictable.
I appreciate your best wishes.

OP posts:
UnlikelyAmazonian · 10/10/2012 14:16

Stay calm and focused Dance.

If he returns unexpectedly and gets rough you need to have police fore-warned would think - so that you can dial quickly if there's an emergency.

I don't like the sound of him, or of your situation, at all.

Please let us know how you are.

Original poster
dancethenightaway · 10/10/2012 15:49

The Police have got my number & its on thingy response so if I ring thry will attend.
Sorry to drip feed although I could write a stream of consciousness today DC says they are going to treat refuge like its a holiday - what a brilliant child I have.
I am still at the marital home, car is packed, just waiting for friend to get back from work so we can go round. I cant wait to be somewhere I feel safe, it already feels like Ive been tiptoeing around for so long it will be great to be able to think about me and DC.
I cancelled all the bills that come from my account and sent him an email to say so, he didnt respond but Im happy with that. I hope Im allowed to watch XFactor in the refuge, its my dirty secret but Im a big fan!

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 10/10/2012 16:05

well done it is the best thing to go .

tell your work why - they should be supportive and maybe give you some time ?
and/or go to GP and get signed off on sick (stress due to leaving h) for a week or so to give you some time...

UnlikelyAmazonian · 10/10/2012 17:06

Oooo I love X-Factor too. And I am an old lady! Why did you let him know you have cancelled all bill on your account? You didn't need to do that.

Has your friend arrived yet?

Still concerned for you.

Original poster
dancethenightaway · 10/10/2012 17:44

we are at my friends house and safe. I don't want to be signed off just yet, I would like to go to work and try to be normal and not think about it all.
I probably didn't need to tell him about the bills but when he goes home and finds the internet etc doesnt work i don't want him to think i have turned it off on purpose & for him to think its an act of aggression on my part.I have left most of my stuff in the house and don't want him to trash my stuff in retaliation.

OP posts:
Longdistance · 11/10/2012 01:18

So glad you are safe, and made plans to move.
Your dc sounds amazing :)
Take it one day at a time, and stay safe.

Original poster
dancethenightaway · 11/10/2012 09:05

came into work this morning and told some people. they didn't know what to say so i felt stupid for telling them.
find out about refuge today, i can't wait to have somewhere to be where we can sleep safely at night.

OP posts:
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