Fantasies of turning the tables on abusive DH

[Revengefantasiesrus]

My DH is sometimes physically abusive.

About twice a year or so (almost invariably alcohol related) he will lose his temper push me, pull my hair, scream in my face, pin me down, intimidate me an in the most extreme scenario has choked me (momentarily) ad held a knife at my eye level.

The rest of the time he is extremely affectionate, loving and kind. As they are.

This weekend he went out with the lads and got utterly wasted and rolled in at 5am. I don't mind this and occasionally do the same myself on a night out with the girls. What I did mind is I asked him to do 2 simple things - not to lose the bank card because it is the only way we had of paying for anything and to make sure he kept enough cash for the taxi because we didn't have any in the house.

Needless to say he came back without cash or card. Plus his shirt was ripped as he ha been fighting. I was not best pleased.

So the next morning at about lunchtime I woke him and gave him a bitchy and sarcastic piece of my mind. Whereat he shouted at me, grabbed me, pinned me on the bed and choked me. Then said it was my fault for pushing his buttons (hollow laugh).

Yes I know I should leave him but I won't be for a huge number of reasons I won't go into.

The point of this post is, has anyone else, having been in this position, had subsequent fantasies where they drug and tie up their partner and then when they wake up do exactly to them what they did to you?

He has apologized, begged forgiveness, says he will never touch me again blah blah blah. But lying in bed last night all I could think of was how much I wanted to see HIM lying there helpless while I scream in his face with a knife in my hand and choke him until he can't breathe and show him just how it feels to be helpless and afraid and completely powerless to make it stop. I want him to see hate and viciousness in my face and to feel visceral fear.

And I want to do it so much I almost feel like I could.

I have forgiven, made allowances, tried to love him and understand how his abusive childhood has damaged him, I have paid for his therapy and medication, I have moved on and put these things behind me so many times. Now, all of a sudden, I don't want to do that any more. I don't want to leave him, for me the good currently does actually outweigh the bad. But I do want to punish him and show him how it feels.

Is it just me?

Our live in nanny will also be present along with my husband springy while the children are SLEEPING from 7pm as she is 5 and a half days a week. Not that I would hesitate to leave the kids with my husband alone for a second. He has never so much as shouted at our children let alone laid a finger on them. Take your patronizing smart arse comments somewhere else and let me take on board the posts from well meaning thoughtful posters instead if wasting my energy getting phase off with your deliberately provoking bitchiness. I have enough to deal with thanks

You're welcome Revengefanasiesrus re' the post (t'was meant for you anyway); Did you read it all? If not, I hope if you have a spare hour or three some spare time? You read it through? I wasn't being dramatic or overly descriptive etc on it & I really Don't like writing big posts normally so 'tis something of a departure for me? But I felt Do strongly on this? I just Had to write something in the end; Anyway I thought it might help to see it from a man's (& fellow sufferers) view to maybe show you a couple of points you hadn't considered or couldn't see before? As well as maybe helping you realise Why you feel like you do & what to maybe Do about it?

Anyway? I hope it helps you sort out whatever you want/need to do for you & DD & all the best. Miss; Me & everyone else here is there for you when if you should need us & we all hope you feel better soon Miss; As to the post? I hope you think on what I said................

NB Springy? Thanks for hug; I really could of done with (& maybe needed after dredging all That up again in my mind) a hug Miss so appreciated that from you;

Please don't go into business with him revenge. There'll be even more 'various reasons' to stay with him then. You can't want that can you? you can't want your life to be even more tied up with his can you? NO, i don't believe that you could want that when you have posted this thread.

Redline, longest post I've ever seen from a man. A subject as close to your heart as to all the others who are on the other side now.... and to the poster whose first memory is her dad throwing a hot plate of food at her mother's almost bare top half; that is awful. What a first memory. :-(

I read it redline. But it's more comfortable reading for those who have left than for those who have NOT. I agree wth what you say to the op , except that I sense that it is a misguided sense of duty that often keeps these relationships toghter for so long. By mentioning his childhood etc, op makes it clear that their relationship makes allowances for hs childhood. It's not arrogance. It's a burden, such a burden, to feel that duty and obligation to try and restore somebody else's view of humanity/women. YOu can never do it though, not if their thinking is SO distorted.

Red, what a lovely Person you sound.

Oh I'm not. It's a sole trader arrangement between him and this company.

I just want signing authority on the corporate bank account where his profit share will be paid.

The part of this which makes me feel better is if this happens he is not my responsibility financially any more. If I ended the marriage he would still have a career, income and ability to stay close to the children outside of me facilitating and funding it. I wouldn't feel like I was stripping his whole life away by leaving him. It would make me better able to really make a clear decision without all this guilt of being completely duty bound to him for everything.

@ redline, yeh, I know you're not looking for a medal for sharing, but it can dredge it all up again. You share what happened to you, I mean 'one shares' and hopes that it's not for nothing. @ revenge please do sit down and read that long post properly. Don't just let your eyes race over it. Give it the 15 minutes it will take to read and absorb. X And from me, I'm just gonna repeat myself! and say please please don't go into business with him'. HAVE the people on this thread any right to ask that? maybe not. But I am going to ask you not to go into business wth this man.

oh phew. x posts. sorry.

I misunderstood.

ps, the guilt goes. I no longer feel a gram of guilt for my x's emotional well-being/state of miind/view of the world. That is OFF my shoulders now! It takes a few years to get to that point. But the sooner you start the sooner you're free.

I guess I also feel guilty far taking him away from his home ad his job and then if the marriage ended leaving him with nothing. If he had started on a career path with good prospects I would know I'd given him the chance to make something really good of his life which he wouldn't have had if he hasn't met me. So I would have given him something worthwhile. If he cocks it up that would be his problem. But at least I facilitated the opportunity by financing his retraining, introducing him to the right people and setting him up with the necessary equipment and business templates. I did something good for him. Even if I can't stay with him like I promised.

He's no different from a million other people whose relationships have broken down after kids. I KNOW that no matter what I say to you, you will feel that guilt crushing you.

My x felt no guilt that I made every single sacrifice for parentng. Funny that.

I know it's obvious but it's worth reminding yourself that you're allowed to change your mind. Sometimes it better not to justify too much why you've changed your mind cos then the whole conversation is like a f*ng court case where a defence barrister is ripping you to shreds! BOTTOM LINE is you have a right to end a relationship, even a marriage! if it is not working for you. It's not working for you. You're not happy. It's your prerogative to end it.

On the one hand you feel guilty about taking him away from England, and also, if you refuse his visa, sending him back to england!! So two things which are opposite outcomes, and they can't both happen, you feel guilty about both of them.

You financed his retraining. He also had the right to leave you if he chose to. He could have. He didn't. He is not totally passive. He has made choices along the way too. Chose to go to where you are now, chose to be aggressive and abusive, and if you separate, he will choose his own path. I'm guessing he is about your age, only 36? that is young in business I think.

He is 39 next birthday. Middling age really. But this is a second career for him. He could really make a good go of it I think. He is very intelligent and great with people. Just needs a kick up the arse encouragement to get things done and chase business down. But if I wasn't there to do that I'm sure he would motivate himself better. And this deal would mean he has a boss to answer to which would help.

I dunno. I don't know what to do. I am so so tired.

I feel numb.

I just do t know if I have it in me to try all over again supporting his therapy and hoping he will change and trying to make myself believe his promises of "never ever again" which never last. I feel like something died in me last weekend and I don't know now if I could bring it back to life even if I wanted to. I don't hate him or feel anger any more. I just feel sad and numb and empty. I feel nothing when I look at him. Nothing at all.

Oh my love, I feel for you, I really do. So far from home and dealing with this alone. It's heartbreaking.

Please take care of yourself. He may up the ante if he senses your withdrawal from him. Once again, never show him this thread, it will not go down well and all that matters right now is that you are safe to process your thoughts.

Thanks Katie I appreciate it. Just got to keep plodding on and try to move in the right direction I suppose.

I bet he would motivate himself somehow (without you I mean).

I used to think my x would fall apart and become a bitter old alkie (outwardly). I thought he would lose his job, default on his mortgage, fall out wth everybody around him......... if he didn't have the coping mechanism he always had! screaming at me, pushing and shoving me! But somehow, life has carried on as normal for him.

It is tough away from home yeah. It's hard to visualise life in a different place. People resist change. Changng one thing is hard. If that one change means that there are going to be several other inevitable changes that 's reallly tough to pull the pin on the grenade.

op, you talk about setting him up life like is some sort of under achieving teenager

He is a grown man. A man who chooses to abuse you. He made his choices, or did you hold a gun to his head?

You owe him nothing

Up IN life

"I did something good for him. Even if I can't stay with him like I promised."

That really is mawkish, sentimental bullshit.

You are getting something out of this drama that's keeping you there.

Despite the martyr talk.

A question that often gets asked on threads like these (always usefully, imo) is: what would your counsel your daughter to do, if she came to you and described this situation as her marriage? Would you tell her to stay, help the man who throttles her on occasion, of would your first instinct be to tell her to get her life and young children into a safer situation and work through her own feelings of rescue/responsibility from a safe place?

Also, another CLASSIC question that really helped me was - if you could step into a parallel reality where you'd split up last year, so the worst of the upset and acrimony is behind you not ahead of you, would you do it? and for me, the answer was yes. Inside my own head, the answer deafened me!! So I knew, that was it. I had to do it, despite the 'battle' to get to the other side.

Perhaps while you are in the process of setting up contacts and visa arrangements, you could include a section that says if he threatens or carries out any act of violence against you or anybody else, you will revoke your sponsorship (sorry I don't know the correct name ) of his visa.

Just to consider protecting yourself- where would you stand legally if he commits an assault while he's on your visa? (Just thinking of further upthread, I think you hinted at him getting into fights while drunk). Could your visa be revoked for crimes he commits? Or can the company he goes into business with sue you for non-disclosure of a history of violence?

are your parents still there?

Please tell your mum.

Redline, well done for getting out. Mammoth step, and very, very hard to do.

How long have you known your h and how long into your relationship did it take for his violence to manifest?

What do you know about his previous relationship history? Was he divorced, does he have other dc? Have you met any of his family members?

I have not been able to sleep through worry for you and your gorgeous little girls op.

You have been so strong coping with working f-t and trying to provide a loving home and trying to give a heinous (to us, wonderful, loving and caring to you) man a beautiful home, family, job and future.

I have a white fear of dread though that you have been nearly throttled to death and your coping mechanisms through these fantasies and feelings of numbness are starting to crumble.

You have managed to keep up appearances through these episodes. You live in the ME where women including employees are treated with DV as a matter of course.

You have a nanny 5 days a week. Have you confidentially asked her if she has experienced any secret violence from your husband?

Would she tell you if she saw him secretly trying to throttle one of your babies or even dish out punishment that he experienced in childhood?

You already know what he is capable of. You know he is devious and not always drunk when he acts with intimidation and violence.

She may not want to tell you through fear of losing her job. But all this has to be in the back of your mind doesn't it?

You cannot rule any of this out can you?

Please OP don't lie to yourself. We are here to support you and not judge you.