Fantasies of turning the tables on abusive DH

[Revengefantasiesrus]

My DH is sometimes physically abusive.

About twice a year or so (almost invariably alcohol related) he will lose his temper push me, pull my hair, scream in my face, pin me down, intimidate me an in the most extreme scenario has choked me (momentarily) ad held a knife at my eye level.

The rest of the time he is extremely affectionate, loving and kind. As they are.

This weekend he went out with the lads and got utterly wasted and rolled in at 5am. I don't mind this and occasionally do the same myself on a night out with the girls. What I did mind is I asked him to do 2 simple things - not to lose the bank card because it is the only way we had of paying for anything and to make sure he kept enough cash for the taxi because we didn't have any in the house.

Needless to say he came back without cash or card. Plus his shirt was ripped as he ha been fighting. I was not best pleased.

So the next morning at about lunchtime I woke him and gave him a bitchy and sarcastic piece of my mind. Whereat he shouted at me, grabbed me, pinned me on the bed and choked me. Then said it was my fault for pushing his buttons (hollow laugh).

Yes I know I should leave him but I won't be for a huge number of reasons I won't go into.

The point of this post is, has anyone else, having been in this position, had subsequent fantasies where they drug and tie up their partner and then when they wake up do exactly to them what they did to you?

He has apologized, begged forgiveness, says he will never touch me again blah blah blah. But lying in bed last night all I could think of was how much I wanted to see HIM lying there helpless while I scream in his face with a knife in my hand and choke him until he can't breathe and show him just how it feels to be helpless and afraid and completely powerless to make it stop. I want him to see hate and viciousness in my face and to feel visceral fear.

And I want to do it so much I almost feel like I could.

I have forgiven, made allowances, tried to love him and understand how his abusive childhood has damaged him, I have paid for his therapy and medication, I have moved on and put these things behind me so many times. Now, all of a sudden, I don't want to do that any more. I don't want to leave him, for me the good currently does actually outweigh the bad. But I do want to punish him and show him how it feels.

Is it just me?

Thanks to the last four or five posters you've really helped.

I think you've made a LOT of progress since the thread started about 36 hours ago! HUGE shift in what you are acknowledging. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Even if the violence doesn't escalate, your ... levels of optmism about the future might dwindle. Your strength might falter. Your children will ask tougher questions. It will still get harder not easier even if the pattern of violence stays the same,

I was 'lucky' to only have to answer questons from a nearly four year old. I can do nothing now! I'm interrogated!!! Who are you going out with? how do dyou know her? hmmm,you're seeing a lot of her [suspicious]

Like I said before? Some of us might not agree with why you're saying what you are but? We're all here for you & will hold your hand/help you as best we can; Am here for you Revenge. Here's my hand if you need it

Take Care an' I'll write to you again soon.

I believe under sharia law what my husband does would be classed as "reasonable chastisement" and is perfectly permissible from husband to wife. So to those who suggest I call the police hollow laugh

On another subject? That's one of the many several reasons why I think Sharia Law is a Fcking abomination & should Never see the light of day in UK but that's my own opinion. It's barbaric & treats women as little better than chattel or animals & that? Is just wrong*.

lol at run for the british hills! i'm inclined to agree!

when you get back to the uk you can reassure your dad that it's not the end of the world for your generation (and it's NOT, seriously, it's tough for a while but it 's not the disgrace it once was!). Reassure your dad that you are glad that life has taken this turn, that you get to spend time with him, and that you will be raising your girls in the UK afterall. It's all in how you present it. If you tell people with the relief in your voice so PALPABLE, people will be happy for you that the bad times are BEHIND you. They won't put their heads to one side and say aw that you're a single parent!

Hello OP - I have only read your posts not the whole thread, I don't think you sound like a twat you sound incredibly intelligent, loving and strong to me! You are in a complicated situation in which the options aren't black and white, as you say every choice has a price to pay.

Just wanted to say - you sound amazing.

As an aside, I don't know how good an idea it would be - I don't know him and haven't thought about it deeply, but could you get little cameras installed which he doesn't know about, which record on continuous loop? - Then when he does this you can show it back to him and perhaps make him wake up to what he is doing - you say he doesn't equate the choking with the hitting he did - but maybe if he was shocked by seeing the violence he might realise it is at least as bad? This could maybe galvanise him to continue the 'I abuse my wife' conversation with the therapist, maybe even lead to his agreement to give up alcohol?

Anyway? Got to go out now so I'll be back later - will just say I Know from what I've read that you might be a little upset by some replies on here but? Everyone has your best interests & safety at heart - some are just a little stronger about how they put it is all but? None of them are having a go at you & all are very worried/concerned for you.

Anyway? Maybe Reread & see what you think of all the replies you've had so far & what they've said (& do say/write later) on here - write all you like to get all the support you can (we're all here for you Miss) & since it's pretty obvious given where you are that any changes of whatever kind will have to come from you (no help or support systems?) when you're secure in your own mind & happy with yourself?

Then & only then make your decision - but don't leave it to long; I did that & it gets harder if you go so far & then stop. And once/if you decide to change anything? Follow it Right through; Don't stop or backslide; Right I've said enough for now - I'll be back later;

Take Care Miss. We're here for you & believe in You.

Revenge fantasies? I had them by the bucketload. They came true, I'm sorry/happy to say (still confused on that one) - what are the chances of that? In short, he got his comeuppance but I didn't have a hand in it, thankfully. My fantasies were similar to yours (violent). It's a good sign, despite all, that you are close to breaking the spell.

[I know I sound like I'm crowing but I'm on the other side now and I still shudder at what it was like on your side, still incredibly angry at what he did, what he was like, what he put me through.]

Haven't read the whole thread, op, but have read your posts. I think if you want revenge, the best thing you can do is leave.

You want the bits inbetween the violence - you can have that with someone else. You sound so stressed and ground down (obviously), but this is your life, your one go at it. I think the notion of martyering yourself for the good of everyone else (one unhappy person is better than an unhappy family) is flawed and also sets you up for a life of bitterness and resentment and seeing yourself as a victim.

I would also be very concerned that your dcs will be aware of his violence towards you when they're older, and that he might also turn on them when they're older too.

Your husband is not your responsibility, you do not need to carry him through life. Look after yourself and your children, take a step back, try to see that the things you're worried about are logistical and not worth staying with a violent partner for.

I don't think I've been as articulate as I would like, but I wish you all the best and hope you can see that a way out from this is not as hard at appears.

I would advise you to think very carefully before you knock yourself out to close a deal that will give your violent h more power over you by enabling him to use the laws of the country you are living in against you should you attempt to separate from him.

The reasons you are giving for staying with him are in the nature of excuses rather than any rationale based on logic and, to remove one 'reason' why you should say with him, if his debts were incurred in Europe/Americas/Asia or anywhere other than the Middle East, it is unlikely that you can be successfully pursued to discharge them.

I have no doubt you are aware that, despite your attempt to assume a brave front and minimise the violent assaults he's perpetrated on you to an extent that makes you fear for your life, his violence is escalating and the, now 'several', assaults you sustain each year will become more frequent and, more especially, because you have revealed they are not always fuelled by alcohol.

Under the circumstances, you are best advised to take steps to cancel his spousal visa ,buy him a ticket back to his home country and inform him that, after he has sought and completed treatment for his serious issues, you will give consideration to resuming your marriage but, until such time as you are assured by the professional(s) who treat him that he poses no risk to your physical wellbeing, you intend to ensure that you are able to live without of violent assault from.

Frankly, cutting him off at the knees in this manner is the ony way you are going to have the personal equilibrium required to continue spinning the numerous plates it takes to combine a high powered career with motherhood and, of course, it is a way of enacting your fantasies in rl without fear of retaliation which will give you greater security than if you went at him with rope, frying pan, or other implements in rl.

You will no doubt need to secure the services of a nanny or nannies and other staff to enable you to pursue your goals/dreams but, in utilising these services, you will not be raising your dc in a manner that is markedly different from numerous other high achieving single parents or, for that matter, high achieving parents where both are working full time.

As for having an h around to talk over the events of the day, you can maintain your illusion that this man in any way enhances your life by Skype or similar on a daily/nightly/weekly basis but I feel sure that, once you are free from the stultifying fear of his unpredictable violent outbusts, you will not miss him one iota and will rapidly establish a network of like-minded friends to fill any gaps his absence temporarily leaves both in your mind and in reality.

If this was a case of you choosing to live with a violent man then, meh, your life, your choice, but you have dc to consider and the time is long overdue for you to make their welfare and wellbeing of paramount importance and get your violent h out of your life before he inflicts serious injury or worse on you and/or harms them... and I suspect that you are as sure as I am that it's only a matter of time before this occurs.

Reading your thread has made me feel despairing that an obviously intelligent women is prepared to dumb herself down to an extent that she can't see the writing on the wall and recognise that the major problem she has in her life is one that is easily resolvable and that it's within her power to resolve it immediately.

You hold all the cards; he's completely dependent on your goodwill and you're in a position to call all the shots. Whatever is stopping you from exercising the power you have over him is a fallacy and, unless you rapidly revise your mindset, you'll continue to place yourself in needless danger for nothing more than an illusion of how you wish things to be rather than what they actually are.

editing failure: end of para 4 'to live without of violent assault from' should read to live without fear of violent assault from him

"I think there is some seriously impaired logic at work in the conclusion that I will inevitably be killed by my husband. And a heavy dose if exaggeration and melodrama there. It is certainly POSSIBLE but quite unlikely."

I don't think anyone has said it is inevitable.

Just that it is live possibility that needs to be considered when you do the calculations and claim you are better off where you are.

Unlikely outcomes with devastating consequences should get a lot of weight when you think about what is best.

Most women don't need to factor in the possibility of death by strangulation when they decide whether to stay, but you do.

If you do nothing else as a result of this thread, please ask him to stop drinking. A 90% reduction in your chances of being choked is worth having.

Why has he so much debt?

Is he financially as well as physically abusive?

He sounds less and less like the perfect man between attacks.

stunning post izzy

He has a property in negative equity and a personal loan secured on it. He is not profligate.

Presumaby his property is rented out and he's deriving an income from it that services his personal loan. If not, that's his problem. Send him to his home to sort it.

Always had fantasies by doing this to my exh, after 2 years I started hitting back, (by then I knew where his weak points were) it made no sodding difference to how he treated me it just ended up in a big brawl. then I got sneaky, emptying the kettle after I used it, putting the toaster up full, putting pepper in his boxers, but the best revenge I ever had was ringing the police on his ass and then he had to move in with his mum again

btw, when i mentioned 'sort this out, today' I didnt meant leave today, I meant, take steps today to getting a PLAN - an exit plan, but some sort of plan.

posters are listening and just putting themselves in your shoes, and offering the best advice they can. Pls dont knock them for not being as helpful as you would like. Everyone reacts differently to situations - fight or flight.Some flee, some would rather stay and fight. In your situation, I am baffled as to why anyone would hang around such an unpredictable man, waitinf for his next outburst, which may happen later this week or in another year. i dont know why I would accept this behaviour from a DH, I wouldnt accept it from a stranger who attacked me, I would go immediately to police, but somehow, it is ok for a DH to think he can do this?

you sound amazingly strong and confident and successful - surely you know that to let a man treat you like this and trap you into a web of unpredictable behaviour and outbursts, leaving hou walking on eggshells in your home is a little bit demeaning?

I'm just about to go off to the doctors for my monthly meeting re: my ongoing anxiety disorder.

No melodrama here, just facts.

I have a friend who still suffers in a similar way to you, Katie, because of her parent's violent marriage. Turns out she only found out when she was in her 20s that it was violent. Even though she was 'safely' tucked up in bed when it happened, she lived in that house. It gets into everyone's bones, one way or another.

I think one of the reasons posters have been knee-jerk is because what you are saying is very hard to hear OP. The justifications etc. It's just hard to hear it.

I always knew, it was never discussed springy , she finally left when I was about 8 or 9. Although I understand why I feel as I do, despite massive self-help, medication and counselling I still can't control how I feel, IYSWIM? When I think of another soul potentially serving THIS sentence, it's very hard to hear indeed.

Katie - my husband is you. Except he was also beaten until he bled was sat in ice baths to hide the bruises from SS as well as seeing his brother sister and mother battered and no one being allowed to leave the house. He also has an ongoing anxiety disorder which he is medicated for. He KNOWS what this kid of behavior does to children because he was one. But still there are times when he is overwhelmed by his issues and reverts to the same sick things he saw his dad do.

THAT is why I find it hard to leave. Because I still see the damaged child in him. And it hurts me to think of abandoning that child in him.

But I would do it for my own children. If I have to.

My point, Katie, is that my friend never heard it, yet it still did the damage. I can attest to that with my own kids, though I was never hit. It's in the air, the kids breath it.

I agree Izzyizzin, handing over more power to him in such an environment is not a good plan.

It strikes me that you are blaming everyone else for your unhappiness Revenge. You can't leave your husband because it will upset you parents, it will upset your children, it will upset your husband. Posters here are upsetting you by not giving you the support you want. At what point do you say "actually I have control of my own life, and I am responsible for what happens"?

In fact what will happen if you do leave him is that your husband will have to sort himself out the way all adults do, your parents will be surprised but happy that you're ok, and your children will end up with a far happier safer life in the long run.

Why are you hiding behind them and letting them take the blame for you not doing what you need to do?