Fantasies of turning the tables on abusive DH

[Revengefantasiesrus]

My DH is sometimes physically abusive.

About twice a year or so (almost invariably alcohol related) he will lose his temper push me, pull my hair, scream in my face, pin me down, intimidate me an in the most extreme scenario has choked me (momentarily) ad held a knife at my eye level.

The rest of the time he is extremely affectionate, loving and kind. As they are.

This weekend he went out with the lads and got utterly wasted and rolled in at 5am. I don't mind this and occasionally do the same myself on a night out with the girls. What I did mind is I asked him to do 2 simple things - not to lose the bank card because it is the only way we had of paying for anything and to make sure he kept enough cash for the taxi because we didn't have any in the house.

Needless to say he came back without cash or card. Plus his shirt was ripped as he ha been fighting. I was not best pleased.

So the next morning at about lunchtime I woke him and gave him a bitchy and sarcastic piece of my mind. Whereat he shouted at me, grabbed me, pinned me on the bed and choked me. Then said it was my fault for pushing his buttons (hollow laugh).

Yes I know I should leave him but I won't be for a huge number of reasons I won't go into.

The point of this post is, has anyone else, having been in this position, had subsequent fantasies where they drug and tie up their partner and then when they wake up do exactly to them what they did to you?

He has apologized, begged forgiveness, says he will never touch me again blah blah blah. But lying in bed last night all I could think of was how much I wanted to see HIM lying there helpless while I scream in his face with a knife in my hand and choke him until he can't breathe and show him just how it feels to be helpless and afraid and completely powerless to make it stop. I want him to see hate and viciousness in my face and to feel visceral fear.

And I want to do it so much I almost feel like I could.

I have forgiven, made allowances, tried to love him and understand how his abusive childhood has damaged him, I have paid for his therapy and medication, I have moved on and put these things behind me so many times. Now, all of a sudden, I don't want to do that any more. I don't want to leave him, for me the good currently does actually outweigh the bad. But I do want to punish him and show him how it feels.

Is it just me?

But that's what 20 years in te army does to you

oh dear lord, how many more excuses? This guy is disabled, willingly so by the sound of it. Look, plenty of us have had horrific childhoods and don't go on to live the way he's living. I'm not being heartless here, it's shit, but you do something about it , you do't find somebody else to 'do something about it' , you do it yourself.

Have you heard of codependency? You're sounding a candidate my dear, if you willingly take on this [restrains self] ...person who is clearly a massive liability to 'save' him. Put me right here, but is it that
. he doesn't do any work
. has run up hideous debts
. you provide all the money and stability in the home (MN have a name for him - cocklodger)
. can't be relied on to not get into fights when he's drunk
. regularly throttles you and may one day kill you

erm so you're with him because? on that's right, you're with him because you can't abandon his damaged inner child

He works part time. And full time in the house.

Sorry, I know these threads are supposed to be supportive, but I really can't stomach reading any more delusional nonsense.

Hiding thread.

With no disrespect to the UK's brave troops, men like your h are two a penny in the army. There's one in every unit. Minimal education, few or no qualifications, and no desire to learn how to conduct themselves in a responsible manner.

Due to the numerous and varied opportunities for training and travel that are made available to them, many young men from disadvantaged backgrounds flourish in the services and go on to have successful careers in civvy street, but men like your h are usually to be found down on their luck and reliving past imaginary glories having alienated many of their former comrades because they are, effectively, loose cannons.

Your h struck paydirt when he met you. You've supported him in a style he couldn't have begun to create for himself and you've put up with his violence due to what, exactly? Your belief that his violence hides a sensitive soul?

He was brutalised as a child and he's become a brute. 20 years in the army has only served to reinforce his belief that violence is acceptable on and off the battlefield.

I feel somewhat disappointed. I'd hoped that a woman as obviously intelligent and as ambitious as yourself would have hitched herself to a man who, albeit damaged by childhood experiences, possessed the will and the desire to enrich your life in a not dissimilar way to the manner in which you've enriched his.

Instead you've lumbered youself with an uneducated oaf and your attempt to make a silk purse out of his pig's ear is doomed to failure because, no matter how much dosh you pour into talking therapies, he has no desire whatsoever to change... and why should he when you're letting him get away with what is likely to become gbh or murder if you don't get him out of your life sooner rather than later.

The $64,000 question is why did you marry him? I have no doubt you can frig some reason why his visa is no longer valid and, regretfully, send him back home 'temporarily' until you/your firm can sort it and, once he's high in the sky, I suggest you bend the ear of the counsellor you mentioned to find out the answer to this question.

My disaster of an ex went on to marry Ms Posh Totty - big cheese in the banking world (her, that is) - and she also was a meek little thing around him, putting up with allsorts. It was kind of sticky in a way.

Your children are babies now but I'm sure you can work out that they will get older. They will hear, understand and remember and this will start to happen soon
You owe it to your children, let alone yourself.

You need to be who you are, not who everyone else 'needs' you to be. This is especially true of your children.

They will have sensed a change in you over the last couple of days, while you recover your plastic smile and go through the fear, anger and other emotions, whether you think they've noticed or not. They have, I absolutely promise you, they have.

It's not too late for them, though. There is still time for this uncertainty and fear in their lives to be counteracted.

I hope this business deal goes how you want it, today. If he can be financially independent, will that help you? Once he has a visa, how will that help?

I hope once the meeting's over, you will be able to reassess your position.

Have just read the entire thread.

If you had gone to a Dog Rescue home and had fallen in love with and felt sorry for a pit bull who was loving and fun but a bit damaged and unpredictable, would you bring it home and leave it with your baby and toddler?

Then the pit bull turned on you occasionally, not enough to break the skin, but be menacing enough to leave you stressed. Would you still want to rehabilitate it with a baby and toddler around?

I can see you are torn because you want to rehabilitate this husband of yours, but this is one hell of a project in itself. As you say he is damaged goods, gets into fights when you are not around, has debts, abusive childhood.

Fine, take on this project if you want to.

But you cannot take on this monumental project without professional help and advice. You cannot do this AND bring up tiny children in the same environment.

Bringing up 2 little girls is ANOTHER monumental and life long project in itself. Everything they learn will be from you. How they relate to men, what their daddy is like, how daddy treats mummy. All these things they will learn from observation even before they can speak.

Tiny children need to be safe. They need you to be safe. They need you to devote your energy into bringing them up in a cosy, warm, happy environment.

You are living a lie if you think it could possibly work trying to do these two monumental projects at the same time.

Stop the lies to yourself.

Think about which project is the most important to you.

It takes a certain kind of highly-developed arrogance to think you can save a damaged individual such as this man.

That only you can do it.

That you are prepared to sacrifice your children's safe and happy childhood to do sp. Nothing must stand in your way, must it ?

Not even the small matter of the risk of being strangled to death by him will stop you, nor the fact that there is every chance he will move on to abusing your children when you are not around to police and control his behaviour.

You are not his therapist, OP. Yoiu are not his saviour. You have no special power to change him. You are simply his punchbag, and there is no honour in that.

Harsh ? You better believe it.

But not harsher than him. He is destroying you, you are letting him and we are just yapping voices on the internet.

Darling, he'll kill you, he's not worth it.

The best revenge is YOU getting out, free and thriving, watching your DC thriving.

You wann plan something big? Plan to LIVE!

Why do you hate yourself so much that you put up with this?

I really, really hope all these kind and concerned people have not been used in some sick sort of power play with OP and her husband. I find it highly questionable that after all OP has said, that she would even consider showing this thread to him, where he is rightly called out for his disgusting actions.

Why would you do that ?

over 75% of people who grow up with abuse DO NOT abuse their families when they are adults.

No research that I am aware of has ever found any difference between those that do abuse and those that don't except in their attitude and empathy to others..which appears to be (at least in part) a choice.

Foolonthehill (sorry for the hijack OP) can you direct me to where you found this info, please, i would be extremely grateful x

because............. there's a need to get the x or the 'd'h to understand and believe that it's wrong. To see things from other people's point of view. To be aware that other people view this behaviour as wrong. AND IF THAT's somethng you can't convince them of, then I can understand the temptation.

BUT, don't do it. Use the knowledge to give you the power as somebody else said.

i'd say the 'obligation' to save a character like this is a burden, a duty. It's not an arrogance. I didn't feel arrogant. I felt trapped with that burden.

My DM is a smart strong woman. She put up with my father's abuse to keep the family together, and was smart enough to 'manage' the abuse so that no one ever knew about it. I had no idea, until I was an adult, what my father was doing to her when we were out of earshot. Then my sister and I grew up and married men just like my father: charming, bright, funny, successful, and abusive. And it took us years of abuse to realise that other people had better marriages, and that some men didn't control and hurt their wives.

Do you want this for your girls?

Revenge, how did the meeting go? Are you all right?

Hi Revengefantasiesru/OP; Well? I said I'd write back & here I am; But? I doubt you'll see me as kind this time as I'm going to say just What I think this time & you definitely probably won't agree with me but? I'm going to do it differently from the others here being a bloke & take you partly through what Might happen from a bloke's point of view & before I say anything else? What follows (& I'm writing this as I go so even I don't know how it Will read yet)? Is not me being melodramatic; Just realistic & saying what could probably happen & how he very likely Will react in the end from a point of view of his sex & thus prob' better able to Read what he'll do & Why he'll do it than most on here. Anyway? Apologies in advance for the length of the following novel (or so it seemed writing it) [embarrassed]

BTW? I read this & felt So strongly for you being trapped in the way that you are & was So worried for you? That I felt I just Have to respond this strongly & try to help you; I don't really want to get involved in other people's private lives but? What you're going through & the way you're trapping yourself in your mind? Means I Have to since maybe you'll listen then & doing what I've done here? Might be the only real way to break the mental barriers that are preventing you acting as you should be now? I don't know;

Basically? What I Do know is that Other than the throttling? I prob' have a very good idea of where you're coming from even being a man; And just for the record? I used to get all sorts including knives, bottles & glasses launched at me & have my head smashed against a wall & be punched in the face repeatedly in a place where my Evil Btch ex-fiancee was told I could Die if she carried on like that due to damage from an old op'? Needless to say she took advantage of the fact I would not hit back & even when I Did after one to many of those assaults? She didn't change - got worse if anything. Due to that living nightmare hard experience? I couldn't stand by & ignore you without fulfilling my promise to write back so here I am & All of this? Is from my heart so I really hope you read & take note as I don't often write posts on here & esp' not re' other people's private affairs - more to the point? I hope you take note & Act* on what I'll say but again? that's up to you Miss;

Anyway, I've read the entire thread & Unlike most on here? I don't think you're on some sort of arrogant 'mission' to save him or that you're feeling an 'obligation' to change him; I've seen a few things in other threads that would explain your position which is down to his behaviour (as those other threads said? angry, childish & deliberately unpredictable) & further the quite obvious fact you Feel trapped by love for him & Not wanting to break up your DC's family? Which in turn? No doubt will probably make the demolition job I'm about to do on him all the harder to swallow but please Do read to the end OP I'm begging you.

Anyway? I know that poison chalice devil's brew of feelings you're having & suffering from Miss; You know? Love of your DC & DH (DP in my case) & thinking "OK if they Don't do it after this attack? We'll be alright & can get better again competing against anger at your DP/DH for daring to hurt you like they do & the one you haven't mentioned (but which this whole thread Screams out)? That being anger at yourself for letting it get like this & Not being strong enough to break the mental barriers or circle of feelings & just End it immediately to spare your DC further danger & yourself further heartache/worry & injury; Yes I've stood in your shoes Miss & I know just How hard it is & what you're going through even though it was 2 years ago now nearly.

I had all that to & agonised for two years on & off while she battered, screamed, threw things (knives, bottles, glasses you name it) & hurled accusations at me & in the end? When my son started crying whenever we argued (& Don't think yours won't or don't notice it - They Will Miss; however much you think they won't - they will)? I knew it was the end for us & when she came back after a period apart to try & reconcile for the 3rd time? I quite deliberately broke her heart, made her Hate me & started a (now) 2 year legal war over our DS (I don't recommend you doing that though I think you should get out now? I only did that as I'm a bloke & was prob' easier for me to break from her that way); I had to do this in the end btw? She wouldn't have gone otherwise & I was thinking of my son since however much he didn't like his parents being apart?

Well suffice to say Having him living in That warzone treading on eggshells so as not to upset mummy or see her & daddy arguing or her trying to hurt & goad daddy etc? Well he Couldn't live like that at 2 (at any age) could he? Your's can't either; It Will affect them even now when you think it won't & I suspect sooner or later? A "lightbulb" moment will occur when it will only take your DC getting to 2 or 3 & asking "did you enjoy daddy's neck game?/why did daddy clap his hands on your throat?Why were you screaming at night like you had nightmares mummy?" to utterly Break you, cleave your heart in two & Make you realise their safety is paramount Miss; For me BTW? That moment came when my (then) 2 year old saying "mummy, daddy 'ight, 'rout" I'm sure you can guess the words he was trying to say? Anyway that shattered me & I knew then it had to end & made damn bloody sure it did at the first opportunity.

In case you were wondering about considering your DH? BTW? Don't in short. The first time he did this horrible thing to you? He Forfeited the right to consideration by a Lady with whom he has children; A woman whose carried His babies beneath her heart for 9 months & born them with all the pain & difficulty & emotion that entailed & whose now trying to bring those children up with him; Once was More than enough OP; Never mind the times he's repeated it since & however much you might protest he's infrequent? I'll tell you something now OP? He Is getting worse - there's already signs in case you missed them?

He should never have Done it to you at all; Believe me when I say Once was to much - the fact you were so upset after him Not doing it for so long & then doing it again recently? Shows you Know that deep down. You thought you were OK & maybe drowsed a little in security terms & that he'd finally grown up? And then? He attacked you.........again; It's not on & he shouldn't Ever have done it. The fact he did it when Not drunk recently is important & tells you something else to - and speaking as a man I Know this? It's Not uncontrollable & He Does have control over & know how to stop it - he just chooses not to.;

Further speaking as a man? I know How he sees you when angry & thus is likely to react? Let me explain - while most normal men still possess a degree of control on where/who they Focus that anger on & won't go for women or Children? There's always a few who will & I suspect you'll dread but Know that I'm going to say next? He's one of those (comparatively) few; He's selfish & angry due to his upbringing & thinks he's owed attention from you & others & that whatever else happens? He should never have to take responsibility for his own actions (hence his outbursts when you look like making him do just that). You say he's OK in other respects of your life & for long periods between assaults? But that doesn't matter - the damage done to you & being done to you every Minute you stay there longer? By his selfishness in respect of His feelings & his anger at you for pointing his responsibilities out/making him See he's Not that little boy we'll all take pity on anymore? Far outweighs Any single positive of your horrible situation & I say horrible?

As I know you're being destroyed from the inside out Miss by such a toxic mixture of feelings; I know Just how you feel honey as I've had it to; It's a horrid mixture of love of who he Was before he attacked you & love of your DC's & Not wanting them to lose their 'family' as weighed against anger not just at him for what he's doing to you & How angry he's making you feel but also? The other thing I got from your OP which you took great pains Not to mention? Anger at yourself; You're angry at yourself for Not deciding or being able to decide aren't you revengefantasies? Don't be - He's decided for you long since & the decision is? You have not just you but DC to worry about; As long as their safety wasn't at risk? He wasn't fine but you Could have worked through his problems together & seen where you ended up; But now? Now you have DC & he's attacked you more than once however infrequently? You should be long gone My Dear.

FWIW? I wouldn't give him any economic advantages whilst living in a country with laws designed to oppress women & girls either? Even if you hold all the advantages & he's successful in becoming economically independent? It means now he'll be able to tie his debts to you & maybe come after you for them when you move abroad (as I suspect in the end you will) & in short? It's another (nasty) way for abusers to hook their victims even after they're long gone in a country Full of them; So in short? Think long & hard about what you do out there before you hand him any chance of power (via mumsnet or economically) OP.

Anyway re' your H? Now comes the disturbing bit; I'll speak of him as I understand men & our anger? Anyway if you ask me? The thing that makes his anger so dangerous? Is that like most men when roused? He gets angry like a child focusing on & wanting to Hurt & get a clear surrender or sign of damage from what/who's upset him? (Lashing out basically) The fact he's taking that anger & using it all on you & did so until you used to cry, sob & beg for him to stop? Shows further that he's been focusing that anger exclusively on you & he knows he's been doing it (look at the fact he did it without drinking & waited so long between attacks if you want proof as to his cold-bloodedness in that) & so never had to?

But the thing that bothers me the most speaking as a man? Is that such anger is normally the beginning of an escalating scale; And don't think he won't do this as he will; It's a well known fact that often those who commit DV will move up a level & attack with levels of ferocity & viciousness totally unseen or suspected by their victims as they get bolder with what they can get away with; Don't think you're safe from him in that Miss; He's only biding his time; Anyway? You say you Won't cry or beg or sob anymore now & thus last time he went up to holding a knife to you to get Terror in your eyes? Well I'm sorry but in the end? You probably will do this again; Why? Because the way he's going up the gears gradually in his nastiness? Tells me it's only a matter of time before his next attack when he'll no doubt escalate again.

Then? He will punch you to get terror in your eyes if not make you scream again or maybe he'll choke you that bit longer & destroy your voice box all to make you see it his way & cry/yield/sob/seem like you're surrendering to his entitled anger desire to punish you for making him see the truth & as a man? I'll tell you now - the more you don't give in? The more he'll be utterly implacable & determined to force you to do so meaning if he Can't affect you in the end? Then it will only be a matter of time before he turns on any pets you've got or (God Forbid) your DC in order to hear the magic phrase from you (preferably with tears & sobbing/the more upset the better) "please, please don't do that - I'll do anything, just don't hurt them/it"; Sorry to sound like an angry, harsh entitled typical man on here of all places but in short revengefantasiesrus?

I think you Need a shock like this to see what you Shall face in the end Miss? And don't kid yourself you won't - sooner or later, maybe not for weeks, months or even years? But sooner or later? It Will get to that point; It always does with men like that & That is why I'm talking like this Miss; I'm a man - I Know how we think, how our anger works & how it Will work if turned on a woman; As my ex' shows? Women can be like this to but in the main? It's men & with him? It's a classic case; The next step is clear as day to; I can see it a mile off & sorry to hurt you so by advocating the destruction of the little family & life you hold dear but? It's all an illusion dependent on him not exploding, you & the DC walking on eggshells & you can't build a relationship on shifting sands like that, you just can't. So if you want my opinion? The sooner you get out or make Plans to get out? The better; I suggest you take the first step soon as once you've made your mind up? Whilst everything will be easier? There'll be no going back................

I hope that helps; It's my thoughts FWIW. I hope you can see now what you're Really going to be facing eventually & re' what HappyHalloween said? I'll say now What your husband is IMO though I've avoided it until now? He's an evil angry, entitled, nasty coward; Plain & simple; If he wants to read the thread & my posts? He can See himself in a mirror & to hell with his feelings. In short & very much like the child he still thinks he is? He doesn't Want to face his past; Wants to go on running from it through his life dragging the family he's acquired on the course of that run With him whatever the cost & running up debts, doing damage in the army & now out of it to all & sundry his family & loved ones; OP won't Let him though by her very nature & the fact she Needs an adult to help her bring up their DC? She Tries to bring him back to life & Make him face his responsibilities every so often as she Has to since kids (which he is emotionally if horribly overgrown now) can't parent kids & thus? She can't do it all on her own;

Anyway? By all accounts? He resents any mention of his past never mind making him confront & deal with it & flies into a fury at such so if OP keeps making him deal with it as she has to as their own DC grow up & you combine that with his jealousy at His DC getting the upbringing he didn't? Well it's not hard to see the results & I'm sorry OP but If you stay love? Those results Will kill or permanently damage you in the end. He really Needs help but not with you; Not with a family; Someone like that Can't function with an acquiescing partner & family around them as it makes them look normal & avoid their responsibilities & thus they never face up to things & never move on.

He'll only get worse & don't try & play him at his own game - you're not physically strong enough & believe me (from bitter & painful experience?) He'll only respond in kind & get worse all the quicker & you? Might not survive such damage as he does like that & if you Did somehow really hurt him? Well in the area you're in I suspect it would be & is a simple job for a male dominated court to fit the facts up so it's all the woman's fault & God only knows what horrors you'd then have to endure in one of those jails as a Western woman on a long term sentence (as you would be if convicted); So anyway? Have a care for yourself & your DC Miss; Don't risk anything like that & go now while you Can & hold the (relative) upper hand? He'll rebuild his life even from nothing; Such people always do.

I'll just ask you one last thing that might help you decide? How do you think he'd react? For all his sorrow at himself (the last time) if he Did kill or permanently injure you? The fact he's Tried a couple of times? Obviously says he'd not be That bothered really else he'd Never have done it again (or even once) would he? The fact you're upset over him & His life & how you Might wreck it so much? Shows You're far more invested in him than he is you I think? He's using you as a comfort blanket to avoid his past Miss hence his fury when you Don't fulfill that role. I suspect were you to die or be heavily injured? He'd prob' move on if not easily then soon enough but you? You'd prob' sit there in jail on a 20 year sentence after being fitted up for even Thinking of hurting him never mind doing him serious harm or (God Forbid) killing him thinking all the time it's your fault & in truth? It Never Was Revenge' Miss - It's His Fault & his alone; It's Been his fault that you're in this horrible mess hating him & yourself & wanting to hurt him when you Should be enjoying bringing your girls up together? Ever Since he first attacked you.

He's not worth your tears Miss or if he Is? Give him the pity he deserves on the phone from thousands of feet up while you're safely away with your DD's on the flight back to the UK & the safety of rebuilding your lives & getting all that love, attention & good times (without the threats from him) that you & they all deserve. It's the least you deserve OP; In short? I think you should decide from now on to be happy & I think you know don't you Miss that happiness? Does not lie with him any longer & in truth hasn't done? For a while...............

NB If it helps you depart him with a degree of civility enough to satisfy You (not him - he doesn't deserve consideration for his attacks on you) that you've done All you can to save your lost cause marriage? Then suggest to him politely (preferably in public where he Can't get annoyed to easily at you) that he stop drinking And take up counselling for his problems & try to sort out his financial issues; His answers to that will tell you a lot but even so & even if he busies himself trying to do that? I suggest you (discretely) let your parents know Just What is going on (it's gone waaaay beyond keeping it secret from them now) & then begin the process that will detach yourself from him & start planning to go; Don't let him know (as I didn't with my ex') until he Can't touch you mind; He might be civil enough now but like I said? Those sort of people Always turn eventually & never more so than when they sense their power/quarry slipping away. Which is also why I would not Ever show him this thread if I were you as the first thing he'll think when he sees it is? "She's going to escape" & that? Will provoke him like nothing else. Please don't risk that OP; You're an erudite, intelligent, beautiful, viviciaous & enchanting woman, I can tell that & I've never met you (& prob' never will); Now? You have you & your beautiful DC's to think of & showing him this thread? Well let's just say I think doing that? Would be a red rag to a bull & again? I speak from experience...........

Anyway that's what I think Revengefantasiesrus? Sorry if you might think I was overly descriptive &/or dramatic but? I'm not coming from the same direction as most posters being a man? And I can tell you (being a bloke myself) a Mile off how this man of yours Will act in the end (there's no maybe or he'll sort it out about it); I think you should act now to get you & your DC the life you All deserve as right now? However much you might deny it or cite the infrequency of what he does? You're all walking on eggshells & subject to his temper; Your marriage is built on sand due to that & that? Is No way to be never mind to base a marriage on;

You deserve far better Miss & a partner who loves You rather than your body most of the time & seeing what terror he can bring to your eyes or how many screams, sobs & cries of misery & instances of forcing you into miserably begging him to stop in between the silent tears that he can elicit from your tortured lips the rest of it; Basically when you take that side of him & how toxic, angry, miserable & trapped you?re feeling because of it? It?s plain to see he?s destroying you inside & out honey; You've got your DC to think of as well as yourself & now? I say this with care & affection but? I think you Know It?s time you ended all that & take Back the safety you & your DD's are entitled to as of right; In short? Everyone else is speaking from the "other side of the fence" in here as it were? I think it's Long past time you joined us Miss. All the best in making that jump...........

Take Care;

Anyway OP? I hope that magnum opus little novel of mine gives you the jolt you need Miss; Just remember to? That whatever happens? We're all here for you My Lady

Keep Well

Redline

xx

Meeting seemed to go pretty well. If it works out my DH will have someone to mange his diary of appointment and all the back office invoicing and preparation of quotes then he could focus just on doing the actual work. They would also manage advertsing his services and promotional activities. In return he would enter into a profit sharing arrangement with the company sponsoring him. He would remain on my visa (and thus I retain control over the legality of his being resident here) but his labour card and insurance coverage would be provided by the company. It sounds like an ideal arrangement.

He hasn't been able to work full time in 3 years due to employment restrictions where we are which has been somethin he has really really struggled with so this would be a huge boost to his self esteem and a big weight of stress off our shoulders. Especially financially. It would also place us very well for the future if we wanted to set up our own business.

H is a very hard worker but quite bad at organizing himself and managing paperwork and accounts as he never had any experience in that area. I tried to help but had my own ft work to manage too.

His abusive outbursts are always linked to him feeling criticized and persecuted because he has such poor self esteem and spent all his childhood being told he was worthless useless and would never amount to anything and everyone hated him as he was just a burden. The past three years have been hard for him being totally reliant on me financially (a position he hasn't been in since he started work at 16 years old). He never complained about it just constantly apologized for being "a worthless burden" and tried to make up for it by being the perfect "househusband" but the strain always showed and was a constant undercurrent of anxiety and stress. i suspect this job if it happens will help him hugely with his feelings of inadequacy.

He has also made 2 appointments with his therapist again as my company recently changed our health insurance coverage and it seems a certain number of sessions are now partially covered so we might be able to manage the cost.

I really really hope this job works out. Am just praying it does. Him having a regular job and income would be such a massive relief.

We haven't discussed the most recent incident last weekend. In fact I have made only small talk or discussed practical logistics with him ever since. I feel like he is my room mate now. No closeness is there at all. And I don't really want it. I want him to get on with sorting his life out and getting a proper job and contributing practically to the household. I want to get on with my job and spend all the rest of my time with the babies. I dread evenings now when I have to sit with him and watch tv. I just stay silent and go on mumsnet. I think I might start going to the gym after dinner.

Redline, sorry you had such a bad time. ((hug))

OP, business as (almost) usual eh.

Thanks for that very long post redline I appreciate you taking the time to type it all out. And to others for your recent replies.

Yeah springy business as usual. Did you even read my lady paragraph. Can you just fuck off of my thread please ?

LAST paragraph obviously.

Who's going to be looking after the girls while you're at the gym?

YOur wish is granted. I hope it isn't too long before you fully wake up to what you (and your girls) are really facing.