Fantasies of turning the tables on abusive DH

[Revengefantasiesrus]

My DH is sometimes physically abusive.

About twice a year or so (almost invariably alcohol related) he will lose his temper push me, pull my hair, scream in my face, pin me down, intimidate me an in the most extreme scenario has choked me (momentarily) ad held a knife at my eye level.

The rest of the time he is extremely affectionate, loving and kind. As they are.

This weekend he went out with the lads and got utterly wasted and rolled in at 5am. I don't mind this and occasionally do the same myself on a night out with the girls. What I did mind is I asked him to do 2 simple things - not to lose the bank card because it is the only way we had of paying for anything and to make sure he kept enough cash for the taxi because we didn't have any in the house.

Needless to say he came back without cash or card. Plus his shirt was ripped as he ha been fighting. I was not best pleased.

So the next morning at about lunchtime I woke him and gave him a bitchy and sarcastic piece of my mind. Whereat he shouted at me, grabbed me, pinned me on the bed and choked me. Then said it was my fault for pushing his buttons (hollow laugh).

Yes I know I should leave him but I won't be for a huge number of reasons I won't go into.

The point of this post is, has anyone else, having been in this position, had subsequent fantasies where they drug and tie up their partner and then when they wake up do exactly to them what they did to you?

He has apologized, begged forgiveness, says he will never touch me again blah blah blah. But lying in bed last night all I could think of was how much I wanted to see HIM lying there helpless while I scream in his face with a knife in my hand and choke him until he can't breathe and show him just how it feels to be helpless and afraid and completely powerless to make it stop. I want him to see hate and viciousness in my face and to feel visceral fear.

And I want to do it so much I almost feel like I could.

I have forgiven, made allowances, tried to love him and understand how his abusive childhood has damaged him, I have paid for his therapy and medication, I have moved on and put these things behind me so many times. Now, all of a sudden, I don't want to do that any more. I don't want to leave him, for me the good currently does actually outweigh the bad. But I do want to punish him and show him how it feels.

Is it just me?

OP, the best form of revenge is to walk away and never look back. I do think that your feelings are normal, given the circumstances. I know that when my ex-partner did all of those things and more, the only way I could find inner peace was to totally disengage with the fucker. I must say that when I was still with him, I used to have 'fantasies' about him walking in on me sh*gging someone else (as I found him), for him to see me hand-in-hand with some rich hunk skippety-skipping down the street. Why? Because for one second, I wanted him to see what it felt like but OP, men like this don't care what it feels like. Do you really think that if you behaved like he did, he would be scared? In the same way as you? Yes, he would be momentarily scared but your abuse is on a backdrop of more and more abuse.

He also knows that you are not going to leave him, so of course he is going to be more and more sick. There is only one way to resolve this situation and that really is to stay away from him. Then that way you don't have to be 'fantasising' about this and that. You can have a happier life in reality. There is no punishment for his 'crime' so he will carry on doing whatever and blaming it on his childhood.

X

See, I made it my business never to force my DC to live as I did.

I suppose it can go either way.

But since your DH has insight into how this affects children, and chooses to continue the pattern regardless, tells me you can't save this one, OP.

... If I have to

So you're waiting for a trigger - I wonder what would be serious enough for you to make a move?

I do know what its like to want to take care of people and to want the best for them and I can see that you want to rescue him, but isn't this like an addiction? Surely he needs to want to change his behaviour permanently. He's made some sort of effort but it wasn't successful - so he needs to put a lot more work in to get a result. If he isn't 100% on the case he won't succeed and you'll be facing the same experiences time after time and watching your daughters see it happen.

They do, springy

My ex also had a pitiful childhood, really bad. I cried and cried for him (he, strangely dry-eyed - they find people to do their emotions for them). But, see, I wasn't there, I didn't do it to him, I wouldn't have condoned if I were there. I was nowhere near, it had nothing to do with me: innocent, gov'ner. So why did I have to pay for it? Because he was not prepared to deal with it himself.

He went on to marry some poor cow and one day he started rambling on about his horrific childhood and I made a throwaway quip [hard bitch] and she pleaded with me with her eyes, bleating how awful it had been for the poor lamb. Ah yes, I sound like a hard bitch but I'd already paid the price for his childhood, and how.

Plus, you're not his foster mother. He's an adult, so are you. Time to step up, husband (as long as you cover for him he will never step up. Or he'll find some other poor cow to hang his agony on, purely because he is not prepared to deal with it himself. Hard, but true.)

springyhope, your first paragraph +1

Same.

But still there are times when he is overwhelmed by his issues and reverts to the same sick things he saw his dad do Unless he gets professional help now it's probable he will inflict the same sick things he saw his dad do on his own dc and his urge to do so will become more acute when they attain the age he was when he was first subjected to physical, verbal, and emotional maltreatment, or became aware that his home environment left much to be desired in comparison with those of the majority of his peers.

As for abandoning the child in him, it's probable that he already feels supplanted by his dc and his sense of displacement will also become more acute as they grow and he sees you engaging with them in ways which his mother failed to do with him.

You should not allow the compassion you feel for the child he once was to blind you to the fact that child has grown into a damaged adult who is prone to outburts of violence without provocation, nor should you allow your sympathy for that child cause you to lose sight of the fact that you now have 2 dc of your own to protect from his excesses.

You can't communicate with the child in him; only he can engage in conversations with his inner child if he so chooses, either alone or with the help of a psychiatrist/psychologist or other trained professional.

You're best advised to ensure that any such dialogue is conducted well away from your home and that he is not in a postion to return until you have received assurance that he will no longer use his demons to torment you.

His childhood was appalling. No child should should have to suffer that abuse. Nor should the wife (or children) of the abuse survivor.

Clearly he has terrible mental health issues to deal with. But the key point here is that nothing that what either of you are doing now is going to make anything any better. You put up with the violence, the knife threats, the choking- and he gets away with and comes back to do it again. It won't stop, ever, - he doesn't see a trained professional to deal with the issues he has because he can just take his anger out on you, like a human punchbag. You want to make things better , you don't want to abandon him- but all the evidence shows that this isn't working.

It might well be the case that the only way he can begin to recover is to take responsibility for his own actions. You're covering up for his violence and sorting his debts isn't creating - this does not increase his respect for you and your safety one bit.

over 75% of people who grow up with abuse DO NOT abuse their families when they are adults.

No research that I am aware of has ever found any difference between those that do abuse and those that don't except in their attitude and empathy to others..which appears to be (at least in part) a choice.

it is certainly his choice to inflict these behaviours on you by continuing to drink alcohol and failing to seek help for his problems.

There are many who have used the appalling abuse and neglect they have suffered in their childhoods as templates for what they don't want their nearest and dearest to experience.

These folk have exercised their free will, choice, determination, willpower, whatever you wish to term it, to ensure that they and their loved ones have lives that are infinitely more loving and fulfilling than the lives they experienced as children.

If you maintain that your h's tormented childhood is cause or reason for him not to be able to make a similar choice and to exercise the necessary restraint to control his violence, you are effectively saying that he is not safe to be around others by virtue of diminished mental capacity.

X post with fool. Different words, same content.

It can come as something of a shock to realise that a tortured, tormented, victim of childhood abuse who has evoked our compassion and desire to 'make it better' for them has in, effect, elected to become a violent aggressor who shows no mercy to their victims.

In your OP you stated he returned home with his shirt ripped because he'd been fighting. Was this the first such incident or is it something of a common occurence when he goes out drinking?

I really want to show him this thread.

And what do you think that's going to do? Invoke more false promises from him?

He rarely goes out drinking (once every few months) but when he does he invariably in completely unable to be moderate in hi alcohol intake and gets into fights, can't find his way home, loses his wallet / keys / jacket etc. if I am with him he is fine - this is only when he goes out without me.

He used to fight all the time when he was young. Got convicted if assault a couple if times in his early 20s. Got into trouble at work for it and for being pissed / hungover ( was in the army ). But had fantastically glowing promotion reports and was very well liked and highly respected by senior officers.

Showing him this thread will cause him to store up more jealousy and resentment towards you, honey. NOT a good idea.

Use any knowledge you gain here to empower yourself - not him.

do not show him this thread

Get things straight in your own head before even thinking of inviting him into this safe place. You have zero support ATM apart from this thread. (As an aside, try to get some: counselor, friend, Womens Aid). Don't throw it away. If you want him to know the effect of abuse on children, well he already knows that, doesn't he? But there's lots of other literature out there. Not this. Don't let him see this. Or the next time something happens you'll not have this place.

So basically what you are saying is he's always been a violent twunt.

Not a great deal different to what we've been telling you, is it?

Save any sympathy you feel for him and lavish it on making yourself and your dc safe.

Don't do any deal that will enable him to gain any more ascendance over you and make plans to 'repatriate' him sooner rather than later.

Once you've got rid of him, your life is going to soar take on a whole new dimension and you and your dc will be able to become all that you can be without fear.

In the meantime, send him out without you more often in the hope that his nature will take its course and save you funding his airfare back to Blightly or wherever while he experiences life as a guest of whatever King or Sheikh rules the country you live in.

no way show him this thread! he will devalue us all and discredit us all as a bunch of lesbian feminist saddoes who live on line. ONe woman (in a similar situation to myself) her husband called them 'the backslapping brigade'. said with a sneer though.

if I am with him he is fine - this is only when he goes out without me

so, yes, you're his mother. And if mummy isn't around, he plays up. oh

don't show him this thread. are you mad?

Basically springy yes. He can't / won't do anything without instruction. / prompting. But that's what 20 years in te army does to you.

your poor DCs

I dont have anything more to say, this thread is upsetting me

I wish you well whatever you choose OP

nd never show him this thread, are you mad? He would not hold back...

How are you doing OP? Sorry for spewing my stuff all over your thread.

Please don't show him this thread. He already knows how you feel.