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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has been having an affair and is leaving me

828 replies

DaydreamDolly · 08/10/2012 02:19

I can't believe I'm writing this. 2 DD's youngest 6 months. Been going on 2 yrs on and off. He loves her. I'm devastated. What am I going to do? He told me at 10pm so I haven't told anyone in RL yet.

OP posts:
redtulip68 · 14/10/2012 22:36

Songs:
Shit List by L7 (a little bit of grunge for those of us who lived through the 90s)
I dont need you by Ed Sheeran (my daughter used to love singing this in the car - especially the time I had to give STBXH a lift!)

Just dont trust a word he says about finances - on the whole he will go back on everything he originally said once he realised that he now has to contribute towards two homes, he cant afford to go out quite so often with OW and my personal favourite (yes he spoke these actual words) 'I can't afford to see the children as much because they lived further away now.' WE DID NOT MOVE HE LEFT US! The joy of nonsense!

Keep smiling - it will only confuse him Wink

Fairylea · 14/10/2012 22:38

Redtulip that's so familiar.

I always think it's best to think you never thought he'd cheat or leave so why think you can trust him to pay bills?

skyebluesapphire · 14/10/2012 22:59

hi Redtulip :-) Yes, that old chestnut. I had "Can you bring DD to me as its a shit road to drive on and thats why Im always late...."

my answer? NO!!!!! You chose to move 20 miles and half an hour away. It is YOUR access and therefore YOUR job to collect DD. I am not running around after YOU because YOU chose to move away!!

Twat!

Dolly - sorry to say it, but be prepared for anything..... But we are here to help and support you. We have the sense of humour that you will have in a few months time (although you seem to be doing well so far, lol)

Mollydoggerson · 14/10/2012 23:04

Dolly,

My two pence is, I think very quickly he will get tired of this new woman, and you will becoe the exciting forbidden one and he will ramp up the flirting with you. What a fucking tosser. I know others have said it already, but don't fall for it, all he wants is the chase and the forbidden fruit. He will mess around behind everyone's back. He is doing that already with the flirty texts. Does he have a loyal bone in his body?

Agnesinroom25 · 15/10/2012 05:39

How are you Dolly? I hope you have a good day x

ToothbrushThief · 15/10/2012 07:38

DC have been with me every Christmas so far. His choice and I think because it saves him any effort!!! He goes outwith g/f no doubt or let's her do it all.

Hopefully our tales of neglect are not depressing you too much. What I would say is that sometimes what you think you want isn't actually what you do want.

I have gone from hating his contact time to relishing it (me time!) to really upset that he didn't see her to fearing he wanted to take her full time.... His contact is now sporadic but enough to satisfy her. He's not involved in her life otherwise and I don't have to consult over anything because he's not really that interested. A good situation I find.

I am a good team with my DC

Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 15/10/2012 10:35

I've ranted and raved I'm afraid Sad

I sent him an email detailing exactly how his betrayal has made me feel, the impact on the children, and have told him that I will never ever take him back even if he begs which I said I'm sure you will at some point. Also called him out on the whole 'I don't know what's wrong with me etc' I told him that's bullshit, it was always a choice, his choice, and he made it again and again. I feel slightly better. He said he's made his bed and he has to lie in it but its not as comfortable as he thought it would be. What a shock eh? Hmm

OP posts:
AnEerieAirOfHorror · 15/10/2012 10:52

There is no right or wrong in this situation. You have the right to feel every single emotion you are feeling.

Can you book some relate sessions so you can talk thru your feeling with some independant and trained to listen?

Do you feel better for writing it all down and telling him?

He had 2 years to stop loving you, to put him self first. You have had a few weeks you still love and hate him. You were happy in your marrage and life but he was not.

He is not the person you thought he was and he never can be. You will never be the only women he loves and has sex with.

Is there anything he can give you that you want?

Do you think you could not contact him for a few weeks and try to come to term with the lose of your relationship?

There is no right or wrong here and you are doing great and it will work out and get better for you.

(((((hugs)))))

skyebluesapphire · 15/10/2012 11:03

Dolly. The link below is something that my counsellor put me on to. It describes STBXH and me perfectly and I have given him a copy of it. The whole website is actually very good and helpful. The leaver and the left explains how each person feels and why you are not moving at the same speed. Please read it, it will help you to validate your feelings.

theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/the-leaver-and-the-left

Advice on here is always to disengage, to save yourself further heartbreak, but I understand your email, I did the same thing, and got some very harsh comments on here, but sometimes you do just have to do what you need to do!

Try not to get into a slanging match by email with him (been there done that....). Do not give him headspace. He is not worth it.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 15/10/2012 11:14

I think its normal to need to get that stuff off your chest. I don't know how anyone could not.

MyDonkeysAZombie · 15/10/2012 11:23

You're not a robot Dolly you can't always switch off and remain detached.

Good luck getting practical things sorted this week.

ledkr · 15/10/2012 11:40

Thats probably quite theraputic Dolly,like when I rand up my ex and told him the way I hoped he would die for doing that to us,i really was at that point like a banshee. That was probably the only time I lost my dignity.
I love the idea of smiling all the time he will be like this Confused
It wont be long before you can start exacting some mild revenge and woah it feels so good.

Example 1 "I need to see you to talk " pleeeese (whiney pathetic voice) I agreed to meet him in a local bar (looking fab of course) I listened to his bullshit then fucked off when he went to the toilet Grin I wanted to watch the wire.

Example 2 "I have booked us a holiday,your Mum will have the kids,it will give us time to talk."
Me; rings first choice and gets his name changed to my sisters. I needed a lovely girly weekend away Grin I didn't tell him until the morning we were meant to go and he came to collect me. We were on our way to Stanstead and I explained when he rang.He was a little annoyed.

He is still with the ow though which makes me laugh as he obviously wasnt sure.

She is always posting on fb that she is unhappy and that he doesn't help with the kids (well what did she expect)

I always keep mine at xmas I dont think he particularly minds. I wipe the bums therefore i get to see the presents opened.

skyebluesapphire · 15/10/2012 11:45

ledkr - pmsl at Example 2 Grin

ledkr · 15/10/2012 11:46

It was and still is my proudest moment Grin

clam · 15/10/2012 12:02

Re: Christmas arrangements, I know of someone whose h left after a particularly sordid affair (assuming there's any other kind). She was devastated but is made of feisty stuff. She told him outright that as she had carried both kids for nine months and given birth to them and nursed them and not asked in any way for him to go off and shag someone else and walk out, she did not intend ever to spend Christmas without them whilst they are children.
I'm sure it's not what the official guidance is, but the ex went along with it!

ledkr · 15/10/2012 12:09

I agree clam.I have been very encouraging and facilitating with contact but if he ever though id be sat on my own missing out on my childrens christmas when it was his choice to leave the family home then he can think again.
It would be more difficult after an amicable split but in the case of affairs they can take the rough with the damn smooth.

CremeEggThief · 15/10/2012 12:31

Dolly, if it made you feel better, don't regret it. I honestly regret going down the dignified route at times and 4 months on, I know I've lost my chance to rant and rave. At times, I feel dishonest, being civil to his face, while sometimes wishing his mother had aborted him! But that's what my counsellor is for, I guess.

Ledkr, loving your stories! :o A real tonic.

ToothbrushThief · 15/10/2012 12:38

I think ranting and raving is healthy. Sobbing and pleading is less so :)

I was a model of cool calm and collected throughout.

Or maybe not

Don't protect him from the fall out. Protect yourself and your dignity. Looks to me as though you have done just that

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 15/10/2012 13:20

I would be concerned that never really letting rip at him would mean he would walk away all happy to get on with his life, thinking that you didn't really letting mind, what he did wasn't that bad etc

skyebluesapphire · 15/10/2012 13:32

I agree that you have to let them know how you feel. But my STBXH refused to talk to me and when I emailed him again, he said I just kept going over the same old stuff. Yes! Because I want answers you knobhead! lol.

Trouble is, as they dont think they are doing anything wrong, they cannot and will not empathise on how you are feeling. So it can just drive them further away. I think that point that was made to me and also made early on this thread is the more you chase after them, the more they run away....

I did beg mine to come back. Cried, sobbed, begged. He sat there like a cold fish, saying I dont love you there is no point. You cannot have room for two people in your head/heart at one time and as soon as OW gets in there, the wife has to go.... and by the time you know what they are doing, they are totally detached, while you are in a state of shock..

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 15/10/2012 14:04

I didn't mean beg them to come back or even go over it more than once. But to tell them and have them see what they have done is perfectly reasonable. I sort of think that conversation (whether they listen or not) is necessary to moving on. Closure and all that.

skyebluezombie · 15/10/2012 14:09

oh I agree, but I got flamed for it, hated for it and people berated me for not doing what they wanted, lol. But I agree that those twunts need to know what they have done. Even if it doesnt sink in now, it may do at some point in the future

Fairylea · 15/10/2012 14:09

It's very good to let off steam .. why not ?!

I was one of the begging sobbing types... I did it as loudly as possible when dd was out as I wanted him to know how hurt I was. Errmmmm all he did was pick up hisllaptop he was talking to ow on and walk into another room !! Arse.

Bit embarrassed about it all now as I should have really got angry rather than upset but I couldn't help it. Maybe I needed to let it out.

I did however "accidentally" (cough) drop his laptop from the window before he left... oops.

Haahoostory · 15/10/2012 14:41

Ledkr. Love example 1 and 2. Good ways of getting back some control and feeling good about yourself again!

ledkr · 15/10/2012 15:54

I agree that they dont know how bad it is for you,how can they cos its their choice and they have the excitement of a new love and all this freedom and sleep cos not living with the dc anymore.
Thats why in a way you do need to let them have the truth,let them know how it is for you and the dc.
Even now id like an apology for the total disrespect that he showed me and our children and I have never even looked at the ow as she also knew what she was doing. My baby was 8 months fgs what a a pair of twunts.
Revenge is sweet though ladies,not many of them end up in clover and we normally do.