My husband has been having an affair and is leaving me

[DaydreamDolly]

I can't believe I'm writing this. 2 DD's youngest 6 months. Been going on 2 yrs on and off. He loves her. I'm devastated. What am I going to do? He told me at 10pm so I haven't told anyone in RL yet.

Were you planning to be a SAHM anyway OP. It's possibly a decision best left for a few weeks ?

I was also very grateful to Mr Brown's tax credits after ExH fucked off and left me holding the babies. DS was able to attend a wonderful day nursery when I started a new job and DD had a nice childminder to take her to school and pick her up.

Don't know if the sums would add up today, though. Which seems incredibly unfair.

But it is definitely worth checking out. Being out at work and meeting new people was really good for me, especially as I actually kept a fair bit of my wages.

I agree that it's not a decision you need to make any time soon, OP. Certainly you should collect all the facts first, when you feel ready. Your Dcs are so little.

I am also very grateful for the tax credits - without them we would not be able to manage. I would of course much rather be with the man I adored and not claiming a penny, but he was incapable of being faithful, respectful or honest so I have no choice but to claim. I certainly didn't choose or want to be in this position - is hardly a lifestyle choice.

Shirley Glass says that only 10% of relationships resulting from an affair stay together. So don't beat yourself up about him wallowing in his blissful love nest, it could be short lived.

My ExH's subsequent four relationships didn't work. He is on Number 5 now. The DCs are quite cynical.

I went back to work when my ex twunt left me as a SAHM and a huge mortgage. He offered to pay maintenance which was a quarter of the mortgage.
Going back to work was my saving grace. It gave me such a confidence boost and an identity which wasn't just mummy. (And some money!)
If you're working PT I'd suggest if you can keep doing it then it will be good for your self esteem.
Tax credits were a godsend too - definitely take them.
One thing, as your DC gradually do the weekend overnight stays, insist that he brings the clothes home all washed. The first couple of times my DD came home filthy. I was furious. Also, make sure pick up/drop offs are at specific times. It's all about boundaries.
(I've just found out my ExH has lied to me AGAIN about something he was supposed to do with DD and didn't). I guess I need to reinforce MY boundaries too

This is a bit of a hijack, but just eavesdropping on DS's very brief 'phone conversations with his father this week is almost making me feel sorry for STBXH. DS found out last weekend his father's involved with someone else already (although not that this someone else is O.W. for whom he left), and he has had no time for him ever since.

I guess my point is that children know who is there for them, and the parents who leave are missing out on everything. We are the lucky ones, although it doesn't always seem that way! Please bear this in mind, Dolly, when you're going through a bad day.

I totally agree - my ex doesn't even know his daughter's GCSE results, let alone all the day to day stuff, who are her friends, what are her hobbies, favourite dinner, etc. So much to miss out on.

Hi, Dolly. Let us know how today went.

On the subject of part time work, I would agree that you should be better off with p/t plus tax credits, rather than Income Support, but make an appt with CAB to check it out. When my ex left I took work 3 nights a week in a pub, which was ideal for me. (I don't know if your Mum and Dad might babysit?). It meant that I could kid myself I had a social life (!) and I DID actually eventually meet my new DH there, so that was a bonus. . It also meant that I could be with my dcs in the daytime when they needed me.

Going on to bank holidays, lonely weekends, etc - yes, they could be. (Although for me it was worse because there was no Sunday opening hours at the time, and I felt Sunday was a 'family' day so didn't feel I could drop in on friends). He, of course, insisted on having them every Sun and wouldn't do Sat, so I couldn't even go out and shop. However - once I met new partner 18 months down the line it was nice. We had Sundays to be together without the dcs (which was important to me for a long time, as I didn't want to introduce them to anyone who I wasn't certain was in it for the long haul).

Finally, Christmas. Some women are lovely and 50/50 about this. One year at Mums, one year at Dad's. NOT ME. Not EVER. As far as I am concerned he left us, and one of the things he lost was ever spending Christmas Day with his children. In the 14 years since the ex left he has never had them for Christmas. They spend Christmas Day with me, and then go to see him Boxing Day. I am not ever spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day without my babies (even though the eldest is 20 now). I would make sure you do the same.

Lots of love to you. Keep going - you're doing fab.

That's really sad. I hope H doesn't turn his back on his daughters. I will be sad for them.
I feel like I am mourning something that never really existed does that make sense? All so very confusing. Cos I miss him. The him that I knew only a week ago. We were only married a little over 4 years ago. We were so happy, we truly were. Such a shame, he's thrown it all away, for what?!
I told him the F1 results. He chuckled. He loves it when I fight back, he actually finds the shitty reactions amusing. Maybe it's all a game to him. I texted him when they were out saying 'I'm just getting in the bath, when are you bringing them back?' He replied 30 mins later saying 'if I'd read that earlier I may have rushed back!' Is he fucking serious?????

you are mourning not just the past but the future you thought you had mapped out - it is a big thing to get your head round and adjust to. It is still such a shock for you and such early days, nearly 9 months later I still keep getting my breath taken away about what has happened, it really is utterly incomprehensible sometimes I think.

But you can, and will, have a happy future, albeit a different one to the one you thought you would have.

And I thought we were truly happy too - a complete and utter shame something so precious has been thrown away - totally agree with you on that one!

Any contact keeps the illusion for him you're being a good sport, ego or what.

Dolly I remember crying one night watching a most haunted episode in Blackpool, "we had a lovely time their" I wailed to my friend. She then reminded me that I'd phoned her in tears most days whilst on that holiday cos ex was being such a knob
I tended to over romanticise my memories

Ledkr I think I may be guilty of that. We were truly happy when we got married, but really once I was pregnant with DD1 things seemed to change if I'm really honest. And the last few months have been crap. I think I just think back to those two newlyweds and think 'where did it all go so wrong?'
Anyway re working, I'd like to if possible bit not my old job. I'm actually wondering if they'll make me redundant anyway as they're always on the brink of collapse and I very much doubt they'll want me back. Something else i'll need to think about.

Well if he thinks flirting with the mother of his children who he has just walked out on...is normal, he's truly deluded. I imagine he flirts with anyone and before long he'll be stroking his ego with another woman. Some men cannot cope with pregnancy. Surprisingly common that their insecurities lead them to affairs to bolster their esteem.

Also guilty of over romanticising the past...

As for the rose tinted glasses.... one of the things I did was to keep exes Stella pint glass. His treasured one. Because if I was ever feeling crap about things it reminded me that the most important thing to him was the pub and his friends and everything else including me and dd came second.

My ex used to say stuff like that the moron and he once kicked off when he saw me being chatted up in a club it was hilarious the guy was a 6ft Rastafarian and swotted him like a fly whilst I chuckled.
Can I recommend the power of music too. I used to play stronger by Christina aguilara at full blast In the car also Toni braxton he wasn't man enough for me still smile when I hear them

Yeah you need a fuck you playlist! Some I listened to:
Circle the drain Katy Perry
Best of me Katy Perry
Yes Butler & Mcalmont

I'm following this thread and I think you're amazing Dolly - and getting some great advice here!

Just to add one to the playlist - an oldie but a goodie and a friend who went through this assured me it really helped her

You're History - Shakespear's Sister

Good luck!

That comment about coming back to see you in the bath is sick. I hate him and I don't even know him.

I've been lurking on this thread and I have to say Dolly, you are an inspiration to me. You are so lucky to have such rl support. Personally I would agree with a previous poster he could get lost at Christmas and birthdays, ESP with your dc so young. It's not a game. The dcs will want to spend it with you anyway, not being lugged about to appease his conscience. Sod anyone who thinks differently. No doubt ow has commitments?. And I wouldn't be letting her anywhere near them anyway, you know nothing about her. I'm talking checks and reports, references etc, but I am a paranoid mother:)

What an arse!

Christina Agueliera - Fighter
Kelly Clarke - Stronger

two great songs to say "fuck you, I will be fine".

After my twunt left, he tried to start sex texting....... I soon put him straight on that one.....

As for Christmas, Im with the post further up. Twunt chose to leave, so I get DD on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. non negotiable. mediation explained to me thats not the way to be, lol. But twunt agreed with me that my family can give her a better Christmas. i offered him Boxing Day and he said I could have her then (which means that he is either going to a football match or away with OW and her family)....

Another point is WTC. I recently upped my hours from 25 to 30 when DD started school and got another £15 a week. I currently get £130 a week and I hope to earn around £8K this year and I earned £6.5K last year. They do not count maintenance in your income. and you can get childcare costs as well. WTC are very helpful, please make sure you ring them asap and tell them you are on your own as you should get more money I would think... Also, you can give them hypothetical figures and they will tell you how much you can get. Its quite surprising, as I could earn an extra £2K a year and only lose about £500 in WTC.

My twunt said he would pay as usual, but of course that didnt continue did it. He now pays around a third of what the mortgage costs. If I didnt get the WTC I would be homeless.......

Do not trust him. Do not engage in flirty texts. Keep everything businesslike. Also, if the mortgage is in joint names, ring them up and tell them that you have separated. They should be able to put a stop on the mortgage so that neither one of you can take out any finance against the house....

You are doing brill Dolly.

Gives you hell and move along by all American rejects
So yesterday by Toni Braxton
So what by pink