My husband has been having an affair and is leaving me

[DaydreamDolly]

I can't believe I'm writing this. 2 DD's youngest 6 months. Been going on 2 yrs on and off. He loves her. I'm devastated. What am I going to do? He told me at 10pm so I haven't told anyone in RL yet.

Ps it seems I am entitled to income support and tax credits, H is going to pay mortgage and household bills. I have filled in the forms to apply for it all. Do you think I should just hand my notice in at work now? I had no plans to go back and am only on SMP. I need to take advice on they really, I'm going to call the job centre tomorrow and get an apt with a lone parent advisor.

Hi Dolly, I think initial resentment is totally natural.... However, in the long run, things change. My DD always comes to me at school events (not daddy). I get to experience all her firsts, like first day at school etc.. All her school friends know me but not her daddy (and vice versa). My ExH has my DD every other w/end and does lots of fun stuff and yes that infuriates me, but, I taught her how to ride a bike, how to swim etc.. All these milestones my ExH is not involved in. I get absolute joy everyday from my DD. Quite simply, his joy is rationed.
When is was a LP (I'm remarried now) I made sure I did wonderful things when my DD was away - even if it was just getting a pedicure. I got the best of both worlds - being a mummy and then letting my hair down every other weekend . I started to see some real benefits.
It's shit now for you, it really is. BUT (and a big but) as everyone says here, this will work out brilliantly for you. It will.

I wouldn't hand your notice in until you absolutely have to. Nothing wrong with leaving your options open.

I am concerned that he is going to be paying the mortgage. I really don't see this as a long term solution. You need a solicitor to advise you but ultimately you want him to be paying you maintenance from which you can pay the mortgage. Otherwise he could effectively just not pay and force the sale of the house if it is in joint names and you cannot pay. Can you get the mortgage transferred to your name ... depending on affording it and how much it is I know.

I speak from experience because my ex said he would give me 800 a month which would cover the house etc but 2 months later he decided he couldn't afford it and stopped payment. I ended up having to sell.

Also all household bills must be in your name. It gives you some security.

Personally, I think that part time work would be good for you. More social contact, less loneliness. Definitely. And adult contact in each day, too.

I think it would be best for you and the girls to do whatever it takes to get him to pick them up when he says he will and not when his self entitled arse feels like arriving.

And Dolly, here is a stunning idea- when you are over the shock, think ahead about your weekend plans, and negotiate around those too. He is too used to seeing you as a pushover.

I have been lurking and I think you are doing brilliantly Dolly.

Getting lots of great advice too

I just wanted to add that I would insist that pick up/drop off times are set and not 'sometime between 10 and 11'. Tell him you and your DD's have things to do and can't be hanging about waiting for him.

Also tell him what time he should bring DD's back half way through the grand prix

Dolly I'd defo keep working you will be better off and need to keep your ties with the outside world.
See a good brief too he will soon see financial stuff differently too so be prepared.
I have just rejected a call from ex h it will be to arrange his weekly few hrs with dd whilst he and ow lounge about and she plays with their babies. She is at a friends and doesn't want to see him illustrates nicely that they do make their own minds up eventually.

Please tell us what happens when you tell him the f1 results. Hilarious

If you are able to keep working you will find you get a lot more money in tax credits as a single working parent. I believe they are going to be changing the rules soon but I was about a hundred pounds better off a week just for working 3 short ish days.

And yes .. you do need to build your social life. And at some point - gulp - you may even want to date again !!

Someone I know was told by her "D"H that he and his PA had been in an affair for a year and "this was the real thing". He wanted a divorce but assured her he'd see her and DS right. Actually OW never left her dh and it all fizzled out but my friend didn't take him back. Perhaps one of the reasons being, the same morning he shattered her with the revelations, as he cheerfully stowed his bags in the back of his car, he further floored her by saying,
"Besides, even if we get divorced, we can always re-marry later!" .

From what the same friend has told me to start with evenings are hardest then Bank Holiday weekends when other folk seem to be Happy Families. The thing is you and your girls can still be a Happy Family but without a 5th wheel... Of course he remains their father but for now he has opted out of the day to day involvement. Your DDs will perhaps see him in the light of a "jolly uncle" as someone astutely called him upthread. Have you retitled him on your mobile phone yet, something terse and apt?

Confession: I sometimes watch the GP not that I will today now I know the top 3.

Working often brings you a better social life. It does keep you more up to date with adult life (please don't hit me SAHMs) and give you a focus other than children. Think hard on that

I agree that your ex cannot be relied on financially. They all start off saying they will put DC first and make sure you are all right. Then suddenly they need more cash for house/car/holidays/new family and ....oh yes I can cut that down and make a saving there.

My ex was going to put DC first - he assured everyone of that and signed a consent order to pay just under £300 per month.

I think he did for oooh let's see.... 3 months?

Court action and CSA saw him make himself unemployed. I get £5 a week. This is a man who had always worked. Thank god I kept working. We only just kept our head above water financially.

Sorry Donkey but I had to smile at your GP revelation

I'm not sure if I can afford to work? I would have to pay or childcare, I just assumed I wouldn't be able to. I only work 2 days a week and don't earn much.

Tax credits will pay up to 70 per cent childcare. It's definitely worth looking into.

Do you like your job? colleagues?
Does it have propects?

Seriously, a job is often a way out of lone parent trap. Any family who could help with childcare - in laws or is that a complete no no?

But you may be entitled to a lot of tax credits. I recently applied for a part-time job, earning only £5500 a year, and if I'd got it, the tax credit calculator estimated I may have got £10000 in tax credits!

Worth pondering?

I agree I work part time, get tax credits and housing benefit - and any maintenance I get is not counted. Much better off working if it is at all possible.

Have a look here for a rough idea

www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx

Just an example but when I was a single parent working 16 hours I got about 131 in tax credits a week and about 100 in wages and then child benefit on top of that. I didn't claim housing benefit or childcare but I could have done if I needed to.

As I said the rules may have changed but it's definitely worth looking into.

That was when I had one child by the way, not two so you would get more.

Also as someone else said I believe they don't count maintenance.

Maybe even a new job not the one you had if you're not keen to return ?

If you can afford childcare and feel up to it, working could help against feeling isolated, but maybe chatting to the lone parent advisor will help you decide.

ToothbrushThief I know, what a saddo! (backpedals furiously) not bothered enough to watch qualifying or set my alarm to see it live!

faints

I only earn 13.5k a year. Good grief!

When dh left I chose a very naice nursery for the baby thanks to tax credits. I felt it was the least she deserved having such a useless dad