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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has been having an affair and is leaving me

828 replies

DaydreamDolly · 08/10/2012 02:19

I can't believe I'm writing this. 2 DD's youngest 6 months. Been going on 2 yrs on and off. He loves her. I'm devastated. What am I going to do? He told me at 10pm so I haven't told anyone in RL yet.

OP posts:
AllOverIt · 11/10/2012 06:10

Well done Dolly. I agree, it sounds as though he still sees your house as his home, which it isn't. He can't help himself to something out of the fridge when he feels like it Angry

You sound calm with him and I'm in
complete awe of you Smile

ToothbrushThief · 11/10/2012 07:37

I had lots of advice from others aimed at punishing my twunt. I wasn't comfortable with it always because it would negatively impact on DC.

However the constant pressure to not be a doormat kept my natural desire to pacify under control.

Ex knew I'd put kids first. He knew anything he said that involved harming DC in any small way would trigger a response from me to protect them. He became very skilled at bizarre requests that with hindsight were reverse psychology. Had he asked for what he got...I'd have refused because it was unreasonable. He asked for something that involved kids and rather than be confrontational and appear to be refusing access or risk their relationship with him (hate the bastard but they don't and its important for me to accept that) I'd offer an alternative.... Which he would readily accept Hmm

Friends did keep me in check but I also made my own choices to maintain DC emotional well being

olgaga · 11/10/2012 08:22

Dolly well done you are being very sensible. Unless he was in the habit of taking both the children out for the whole day without you, and they were used to that kind of arrangement, I would draw the line at that too.

Your youngest is only 6 months, after all. Your comment about him having planned this, while you and the children are still adjusting to the new reality, is very insightful.

saffronwblue · 11/10/2012 09:51

Dolly you seem very strong and together when you must still be feeling dreadful shock. Stay tip-top!

QuintessentialShadows · 11/10/2012 14:09

I am so sorry. You are doing so well.

I know it is early days, but you might want to start thinking about seeing a lawyer? Even if he now says he wont let you go without, he might change his mind?

Do you have an overview over all his assets, his income, mortgage, salary, etc to take with you to a solicitor?

You dont want to rely on him...

Donkeysdontridebicycles · 11/10/2012 14:45

Hope you get good solid sisterly support this evening.

GoldShip · 11/10/2012 14:54

Hello Dolly!

Just checking in to see how you are, hope you come back soon x

TheCraicDealer · 11/10/2012 17:56

I like the chain idea tbh- if he ever says anything you just tell him that it makes you feel safer being the only adult in the house even when he's there

Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 11/10/2012 20:42

Hi ladies thank you all so much for continuing to support me. You have given amazing advice and much strength to me.
I feel strong today and am currently doing paper work with my sister to claim for income support and tax credits. And I'm picking up our new kitten tomorrow morning and arranging for someone to fit a mortise lock on our front door Smile
He's being very contrite and I know the shine is already wearing off his new relationship so I wonder how long before that fizzles out. He'll probably string her along until someone else catches his eye.
What will tomorrow bring. I have good days and then when I know he's coming to my house I get so anxious and down. Trip to the gp next week I think to discuss. I need to keep on an even keel for my girls.
DD1 acted up at nursery today (unusual) and refused to speak to her father at bedtime. I'm sad for her, not for him.
I know he's going to come crawling back and I am hardening myself each day so I can happily tell him to fuck the fuck off.

OP posts:
maleview70 · 11/10/2012 20:52

And that will be the most rewarding bit. So many people just fall over and accept the cheater back but I don't think you are one of them!

BornToFolk · 11/10/2012 21:07

Be prepared for the ups and downs. I felt a bit like you, I think, immediately afterwards. I went into shock and got very organised and together.

It took a good couple of months for it all to sink in and I've had some times when I've been very down. By and large, things have got better though, I don't want to depress you! But just be aware that it will take a bit of getting used to and if you are anything like me, you'll enjoy some aspects of single life (total control of the remote, being able to scoff a huge bar of chocolate in an eveing without having to share!) and find some others hard. It can be quite a lonely existence but you sound like you have good support from your family and friends

Good plan about seeing the GP if you feel you need help. I had some counselling (free through work) after exP left and it really did help to talk to someone who was not involved. Even though my mum and sister and friends were great, they obviously had their own views on exP. A trained, independent counsellor was great!

deleted203 · 11/10/2012 21:39

You're doing brilliantly, Dolly. It is understandable to get anxious and down. Can I just say that my ex left us for 4 months initially and then just as I had filed for divorce came back saying what a huge mistake he had made, wanted us back, had got his head together, etc....I made the MASSIVE mistake of taking him back (for the sake of dcs who missed him) and we limped on for another 2 years (with him being a twat most of the time) until he finally announced (once again) that he didn't love me, wanted a divorce, and I had to start all the shit from the beginning again. Please harden yourself to tell him to fuck the fuck off - because it won't ever work if you do take him back. Leopards (like arses) don't change their spots....Grin.

blackcurrants · 11/10/2012 21:39

Just checking in to wish you well, Dolly - I've been lurking and am full of admiration for how you've coped. Is there some place he could see your children that isn't in your house? I think I would feel the same about having such a man in my space - not pleasant at all.

ivykaty44 · 11/10/2012 21:42

You are doing well, well done for getting on and getting things done.

You do know that in the next few months at some point he will ask to come back. They mostly do

Haahoostory · 11/10/2012 21:44

Just found and read your thread. You are doing so well. Your husband sounds selfish, immature and basically a first class twunt. You deserve so much better. A house of girls with a cat sounds fab, and much better than living with that tool. Stay strong. Wishing you and your girls well.

avenueone · 11/10/2012 21:45

I have read the entire thread and you ladies are such an amazing support network for the OP.
OP you mentioned going to see your GP, I found CBT therapy really helpful, which if you don't know about it is like counceling as in it is a talking therapy but it isn't as cuddly (which you sounds like you are gets lots of on here and in RL) it does check yourself and how your mind is thinking and does keep you on an even keel.
You sounds very strong but I also admire you ensuring you are coping mentally - still realising that this is very a difficult situation - good luck with everything you deserve ever happiness in the future.

KnitFastDieWarm · 11/10/2012 22:36

You are doing so well!
As for your spineless STBX, all he needs to hear is, in the words of Cat Power:
'I don't know you
And I don't need you
And I don't want you anymore'

ToothbrushThief · 11/10/2012 22:42

I am chuckling because you really are behaving amazingly. I am pretty sure you're one competent woman and he's going to regret the way he's not appreciated you and taken you for granted for a long long time

Keep at it. I too think he will crawl back and at a low ebb you might feel its worth avoiding all this hard stuff. Remind yourself you are worth so much more

ToothbrushThief · 11/10/2012 22:42

And he can't give you it because he's such an arrogant inadequate idiot

Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 11/10/2012 23:07

I do need to keep strong, you're right. He's being nicer to me now than he's been in years - how fucked up is that!!

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 11/10/2012 23:11

yes but whilst keeping strong remember to let go and say goodbye to your marriage.

he is being nice as he is guilty as hell - so divorce him quick and get a good settlement Wink

Doha · 11/10/2012 23:11

He is being nice because now he is trying to kep his options open. You are the back up plan if (and when) it doesn't work with OW.
Stay aloof and detach. Don't be anyones second choice.
You are doing so well Dolly.

Looksgoodingravy · 11/10/2012 23:33

Just checking in to say keep your chin up, you're doing so well holding it together in front of your h, I bet he can't quite believe your response to the mess he's caused. I admire the way you've handled this, you really are such a good role model for your children. I know this is such a difficult time for you right now and you will have many moments of disbelief that this is happening and you will need support from those closest to you but keep strong, you're an amazing lady. Oh and a kitten will be just the tonic for you and your dds' right now, bet they can't wait! x

blackcurrants · 12/10/2012 00:40

I think he's being nice because he feels guilty and relieved that he's no longer lying to you, it's ''all out in the open now'' and ''things are more straightforward'' or somesuch bollocks.

Cheaters are generally unkind to their spouses because they're angry with them for how bad/guilty/messed up they feel. The bloody cheek of the scumbags.

Long story short, he's being nicer cos he feels better about himself. It's all, always, about him.

Chin up, Dolly. You're being brilliant.

izzyizin · 12/10/2012 03:33

You're an inspiration, honey. One fucking amazing kick ass woman Thanks - revel in it!!!i

And if you crash and burn know that the further down you go, the higher you'll soar after you've plumbed the depths.

You said it at the beginning of your thread, Dolly... given the extent of his betrayal, whatever happens from hereon in you will never be able to trust him again.

The sad fact is that your marriage is blown because he chose to blow it out of the water.