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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has been having an affair and is leaving me

828 replies

DaydreamDolly · 08/10/2012 02:19

I can't believe I'm writing this. 2 DD's youngest 6 months. Been going on 2 yrs on and off. He loves her. I'm devastated. What am I going to do? He told me at 10pm so I haven't told anyone in RL yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 10/10/2012 23:10

He ate the roast dinner

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 10/10/2012 23:14

That's entitlement right there! As bad as I feel for you, in the long run you will look back with relief one day that you are rid of him, bloody selfish pig!

Mayisout · 10/10/2012 23:14

He ate the roast dinner

Jeesh, can't believe it, you'd think he'd just had a night out with the lads, not left for the OW, what a prat.

AThingInYourLife · 10/10/2012 23:21

He ate food out of your fridge?

He thinks it's still his home.

Has he given you back your keys, since he has moved out?

Agnesinroom25 · 10/10/2012 23:24

And I bet you can't even face ATM? Angry
Hope you have a good day tomorrow Dolly, just focus on the dc and if you ever feel down imagine the advice you would be telling your dd's if some twunt was putting them through this. Seriously your girls will be so proud of their strong mum in years to come.

kittybiscuits · 10/10/2012 23:24

Also, there's a good chance he'll be left high and dry by OW! Please cut yourself off from him - and don't let it be your shoulder he comes crying on. Take care Dolly x

GoldShip · 10/10/2012 23:27

Dolly can I just say, you're bloody amazing. By now I am sorry to admit that I'd have ripped his disgusting self pitying head off AND emailed his new wench. But that's because I am admittedly a crazy woman.

You've done everything right and with dignity. The advice you've been given is actually 'tip top' Wink too.

Keep going, you will be happy and he will be nothing but a sad loser who WILL be on his own. He's regretting what he's done already, HA!

clam · 10/10/2012 23:27

I think I would text him "What the HELL made you think you could eat the food in my fridge? You don't live here anymore. Please respect my space. and fuck off

Only4theOlympics · 10/10/2012 23:29

Just wanted to say that you are an amazingly strong woman and you deserve so much better than that utter knob

Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 10/10/2012 23:35

I think you're all lovely and giving me far too much credit. I don't want to rant and rave at him as he doesn't deserve to know my personal thoughts inside my head. Don't get me wrong I have let a few digs come out here and there but I refuse to let him think he has broken me. And I refuse to let her think that too. Cos they haven't. Now she is the one lying in bed wondering if he is where he says he is. Good luck to her.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 10/10/2012 23:36

Did you tell him he could eat the roast dinner, Dolly?

You're not likely to get away with adding exlax to a roast dinner, Kitty, but a triple generous dose melted into a portion of chilli con carne goes unnoticed until some hours later - when the much maligned chilli bean gets the blame Grin

However, the most efficient way of delivering a taste of Montezuma's revenge is to make a delicious chocolate pudding for dessert and serve a portion to the twunt deserving with an individual sauce made from a large bar of exlax melted into double cream. Use any remaining cream to pour over other servings or use a non-laxative bar of chocolate to make an additional sauce.

This recipe is especially effective if the twunt is heading off to an ow or for a night out with the intention of pulling an ow.

AThingInYourLife · 10/10/2012 23:38

The only text I would send about the food would be

"please don't eat my food without asking"

But I think I'd ignore it in favour of asking for my keys back and not having him in the house any more.

izzyizin · 10/10/2012 23:40

I don't need a crystal ball to predict that you are going to mislay your door keys in the next couple of days at a time when you know he's at work, Dolly, and he'll have to courier his set to you or turn up with them to let you into the house and leave them with you so you can get copies made as if.

GoldShip · 10/10/2012 23:43

Or just blatantly get the locks changed.

What can be say?

izzyizin · 10/10/2012 23:47

Even if you diy, locks don't come cheap, Gold. Why should Dolly fork out when relieving him of his keys is the more economical option?

GoldShip · 10/10/2012 23:49

I didn't really think about money, just the satisfaction when he realises he can't use his keys Wink

But of course you're right

deleted203 · 10/10/2012 23:50

You are doing really well, Dolly and I think it's great that you are keeping your dignity. As you say, ranting and raving would only give him the smug satisfaction of thinking he had devastated you and you couldn't live without him. (Which you can!). Keep strong, keep doing what you are doing. You are the mother your dds deserve. Wine

LineRunner · 11/10/2012 00:06

My mate did a £30 lock change from B&Q and put a bolt on the inside of the front door.

I couldn't give a toss what his solicitor said. I wasn't having a man who had 'left' wandering in and out when he felt like it.

izzyizin · 11/10/2012 00:08

If your front and back door locks are the same, swopping them may cause confusion him to ring the doorbell in common with other guests/visitors to your home, Dolly.

If you've got a yale lock on your front door and some spare cash, buy a replacement barrel which will come with 2 keys and fit it yourself - it's an easy job which only reqires a screwdriver and a hacksaw.

GoldShip · 11/10/2012 00:10

Or don't change them if you can't afford it, but buy one of those cheap chain locks and keep it on! He'd be able to unlock the door with his key but still not be able to get in tee hee hee...

izzyizin · 11/10/2012 00:15

I'm a great fan of cctv for capturing memorable moments Grin

LineRunner · 11/10/2012 00:15

To be honest, I always have the bolt on anyway when I'm home with the DCs.

And it's normal not to have to worry about another person walking into your home when you are asleep, or simply bathing a child or anything else.

Minstrelsaremarvellous · 11/10/2012 01:16

Don't change the locks (sorry to spoil the fun). He should return his key voluntarily and you shouldn't have to pay. That leaves you squeaky clean and gives you the moral high ground too. Lay it on thick about him not living there anymore, it's not appropriate to just walk in in case you're undressed and it's the right thing for him to do etc.. (Milk this stage of him thinking he's being a caring ex, it's short lived).

Do things the right way, it means in the future that you can look your DC in the eye and explain what happened with dignity. When your DC are older enough to be interested and to understand, you want to be able to hold your head up high. They will look at their father with disappointment.
Ha - I fucking knew the entitled twat would help himself to food. It's exactly what my Ex did. I calmly told him not eat food that I had bought and prepared and not to go into my cupboards/fridge without permission.
In fact, now's when you should start arranging for his contact with DC to be away from the house. This is about boundaries and as far as he's concerned he hasn't learnt about those yet. He needs to learn sharpish. He should wait outside the front door. (Especially in the rain). Do not invite him in. (He will hate it. Unlucky).

I'm so upset and angry for you. I've heard this all before - you are being exceptional. Everytime he comes up with a twunt ish comment or behaves badly at least you can smile to yourself and post it back here! You are making some hugely positive steps, be proud of yourself!

Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 11/10/2012 04:10

I'm not going to change the locks but I will ask him to return his key.
I won't make him wait outside either as I don't want it to confuse DD1. I think it may be confusing her a little at the moment. She was tearful when I left saying I don't want you to go out, which is really unusual for her. So I don't want her to pick up on any atmosphere.
He wants to see them at the weekend. He wants to come Saturday morning to take DD1 to ballet as he always does this on a sat morning, then he wants to take them both out for the morning. He wants them all day Sunday and I said no. He can have them for the morning, 10-1pm and bring them back after lunch. I said 'you checked out of this marriage a long time ago but it's only been a few days for me and I want my girls with me.

OP posts:
hzgreen · 11/10/2012 05:51

Dolly you are a total heroine to be so mature and brave in the face of all this provocation.
i agree with Minstrel about getting what you can now while he is still pliable with a show bit of guilt not in terms of grabbing what you can but if you get him to agree to reasonable things now (giving up his keys surely is a priority) and limited but reasonable access (ALL day Sunday as well as Sat morning - are you kidding me!?) to your DD's it will be harder for him to go back on these things later without looking even more of a knob.

you have the upper hand at the moment (though it may not feel like it all the time) but once OW has been in his ear enough and he starts to feel less guilty he might not be so much of a limp lettuce agreeable.

also i think you are quite right to set boundaries and negotiate access at this early point, you are being more than reasonable with him. Well done for today, i know how much you were dreading it and you have carried yourself with dignity. xxx