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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Oh Mumsnet - you have got me into trouble

63 replies

wandymum · 07/10/2012 17:29

Reading a thread about DHs and porn and came across a way to see their i-phone history even if they'd deleted.

I couldn't resist looking. Not hugely bothered if DH looks at porn (they all do as far as I can tell), relationship generally good and I had no reason to feel the need to check up on him. Partly I wanted to see what turned him on to see if it would help spice things up a bit, partly I am just nosey.

Anyway, amongst the stuff on his phone was a site called affair-guide.com. Seemed to be an actual guide to how to have an affair without getting caught rather than porn so I asked him about it.

He said it was probably a pop up and is now refusing to talk to me at all because I have invaded his privacy.

Bugger.

OP posts:

usualsuspect3 · 07/10/2012 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chipsandmushypeas · 07/10/2012 17:33

That sounds horrible :( there's no such pop ups for that

TheDetective · 07/10/2012 17:34

You don't get pop ups on the phone.... as far as I know.

sookiesookie · 07/10/2012 17:35

you know that for a fact then chips.
I didn't realise that someone on here could verify every pop up there ever was.

Tbh I think looking at his phone when you (according to your op) has not real reason is a bit strange.

Tamoo · 07/10/2012 17:37

Ah, the old 'it was just a pop up/I can't get rid of it' excuse, which now seems to be the default answer for everything web-related that's dodgy.

BonnyDay · 07/10/2012 17:37

i just looked at it - it looks pretty home made

Conflugenglugen · 07/10/2012 17:38

At best you've betrayed his trust; at worst, you've both betrayed each other's trust. Although perhaps you can turn it on its head and make it a starting point for some deeper communication.

suburbophobe · 07/10/2012 17:39

I don't get porn pop ups on my computer.

And no, not all men look at porn.

"affair-guide" eh?. Tell you all you need to know really.

Can't blame you for sneaking on his phone.

usualsuspect3 · 07/10/2012 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BonnyDay · 07/10/2012 17:42

he's welcome to!

sookiesookie · 07/10/2012 17:43

Sorry OP I think there is more to this. Why look st the phone if you believed there is nothing to find.

By the way, though, I would accept his excuse for not discussing it. I would say something like I know its wrong and I am sorry I invaded his privacy, but it needs discussing and I was not willing to drop it. I would also discuss what led you to look as something doesn't add up.

RobynRidingHood · 07/10/2012 17:44

I read all sorts of shit - usually posted by this forum.

IF DH bothered to look at my history, I've looked at earrings made out of tampons , cats sleeping position, reusable toilet paper and some strange porn site that would like me to donate to breast cancer. All of which would never have entered my head if it hadn't been linked to MN

MadAboutHotChoc · 07/10/2012 18:11

Oh dear.

He sounds very defensive doesn't he?

If it was innocent, he would have been bewildered and would have wanted to reassure you.

chipsandmushypeas · 07/10/2012 18:14

Yes I do actually, as detective said you don't get pop ups on iPhones. Sorry.

MsKayGee · 07/10/2012 18:33

Chips sorry but you do get pop ups on iphones. I use one particular porn site and before I log into the site (on my iphone) I get a pop-up that opens a site called 'Live Jasmin' or something along those lines. Would you like me to pm you the name of the site so you can see for yourself?

chipsandmushypeas · 07/10/2012 19:15

No ta I guess for porn sites you will, but that website doesn't look like it would be a pop up? I imagine most porn sites, when accessed would pop up other porn sites, like web cam etc but 'affair-guide'? Seems iffy

izzyizin · 07/10/2012 19:17

'Pop up', my arse - or his if that's what turns him on. He's been caught bang to rights and he doesn't like it one bit. Tough for him, honey, but not for you.

Due to assorted mumsnet threads I've visited sites containing subject material that otherwise wouldn't have crossed my mind. I've also searched for sites that relate to something that has crossed by mind due to my imagination, or due to an article I've read or similar outside stimulation, as it were.

It seems to me this is your opportunity to let him know that maybe he has given thought to having an affair or perhaps some other factor led him to that site but, be that as it may, in itself that's of no consequence.

However, should he embark on an affair he needs to be aware that will be the end of your marrriage as, should it come to your attention as inevitaby it will sooner or later, you will lose all trust in, and respect for, him.

As for searching his phone/history that's no big deal. My phones's available for use and inspection by my nearest and dearest as, no doubt, yours is too.

BlatantRedhead · 07/10/2012 19:26

You DO get pop-ups on iPhones. Try going on omgfacts.com and you'll see what I mean. There's pop-ups on a lot of apps as well, they come up while you're using the app. This affair guide thing sounds suspicious though.. I'd be keeping my eyes open if I were you.

Gritmonkey · 07/10/2012 19:36

'Pop up', my arse - or his if that's what turns him on. He's been caught bang to rights and he doesn't like it one bit. Tough for him, honey, but not for you.

This is all bull Izzyizin. It has been wholly refreshing to see more and more posters who have decided to take a step back and stay sat on the fence.Unfortunately you are not one of these posters. (Though I am happy to be corrected).

To the OP,
Next time you get hold of DH's phone, take a look at the history and click to open the links, doing this may (if indeed it is a pop-up) open the pop-up again, though if it doesn't do this first time try again a good few times as they may be on a rotation.

Either way, good luck (and don't be such a nosey parker next time! )

skyebluesapphire · 07/10/2012 20:43

All you can do us keep an eye on the situation. If he starts getting possessive of his phone, never letting it out of his sight etc, then he may be hiding something...

izzyizin · 07/10/2012 21:18

As I call it as it I see it, gritmonkey, I'm in the fortunate position of reclining on a lounger rather than perching uncomfortably on a fence.

Having visited the site in question, it's clear that it's an amateur effort little more than a guide to adult no strings dating sites which possibly brings in some revenue for the owner if visitors click on any of the various links gven.

It remains to be seen whether my phone/laptop is inundated with pop-ups/emails as a result of my visit and I hereby give my word that I will report back here and eat my virtual sunhat in the unlikely event this occurs.

Until then I will entertain myself with the thought that any site which professes to help you hide your marital affair and teach you how to have an affair and not get caught and which advertises its wares by means of pop-ups which may serve to alert unsuspecting spouses/partners can only be the work of male genius

skyebluesapphire · 07/10/2012 21:39

izzy

Well said!

Lueji · 07/10/2012 21:53

is now refusing to talk to me at all because I have invaded his privacy

I'd be watching his moves like a hawk as well as his internet history TBH.

He could have been curious, but his reaction is odd.

Original poster

wandymum · 07/10/2012 22:33

I've apologised and explained it was just nosey based on to much MNetting. He says MNet is spawn of the devil.

Explained if anything my motivation was to make our sex life better by trying to understand what turned him on.

He will not even look at me.

OP posts:

ArtVandelay · 07/10/2012 23:14

On what planet are you not allowed to pick up your DH's phone and look at stuff on it? Photos or internet or whatever... Its not a breach of privacy surely? Don't let him make you feel bad. The not looking at you says more about his actions than yours.

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