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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Could you cope without sex?

104 replies

temptedmum · 23/03/2006 18:23

DH shows no sign or interest in sex these days. he's a fantastic DAD and affectionate in every other way...love him to bits. But I just can't cope with a future of no sex/intimacy. He's always had a low sex drive and I've always initiated (or mostly) the pyhsical side of our relationship...but am now getting p*d off with the whole situation. Tried discussing it with him and now getting angry that he seems not able to either discuss or work it out with me or to do whatever needs to be done to resolve the problem...."the" conversation has been going on now for the past two years. I now feel unloved, unattractive and want to feel alive again so Victoria beckham if your old man is free send him around to mine and get him to take me over the kitchen table or something so that I can feel like a real women again . Any suggestions would be most welcomed (blush)

OP posts:
Original poster
temptedmum · 06/05/2006 22:27

...huge bust up last week....caught him hiding an email from me...discovered he'd received an email from an old work colleague who wanted to get together for a drink, nothing untoward, apparently, just somebody that he'd had a "very close friendship with" whilst at work....included having a good old snog at sales meetings apparently BUT in the early stages of our marriage...funny this because it was about 6 months after he had had an affair with a different work colleague (he left the company) and although I knew something was not right with our relationship at the time - he insisted that he was fine and that nothing was going on - I found out about the affair some 6 years on, when our DS was 9 months old...

OP posts:
notasheep · 06/05/2006 22:29

whats he bloody up too?

TambaTheDragonSlayer · 06/05/2006 22:30

I need sex in a relationship, decent sex at that!

Original poster
temptedmum · 06/05/2006 22:40

...who the f knows.... I was sooo angry with him...and he was so shocked at my response. Honestly, I really couldn't have cared less if he was having an affair/arranging to meet for a drink or just having a flirt. Having been through it all before (I caught my first DH with his pants down which led to our divorce and second DH knew how much it devastated me) I just told him that he had a choice to make...if he wanted to mess around in any way shape or form then he should just P off and leave me to bring up the children (not really what I want but the children are my no priority) and if he wanted to stay that there need to be some pretty big changes.....He was due to go away on a business trup abroad so perfect timing really... I told him I needed time to think through options and wasn't sure whether I wanted to continue the relationship either...I'd let him know when he got back (tomorrow night !)...Oh, and I also sent an email to the (married) woman trying to arrange a drink with him :o

OP posts:
edam · 06/05/2006 22:42

Dh and I have been together for nearly 18 years so I practically do anyway!

Passionflower · 06/05/2006 22:48

Couldn't do without. Toys are ok but no substitute for making love IMO.

maltesers · 07/05/2006 09:07

Have just read your thread and can fully totally utterly relate to your predicament. My dp has very very little sex drive. I feel just like you unwanted unattractive. Its bout once every two months and being a average twice weekly gal i am driven nuts. There is no solid answer i s'pose. If he is kind patient and caring and a good dad and provides ok then that is worth someting. At least with these sort of guys you know they are not about to wander.

maltesers · 07/05/2006 09:09

Where do you live Temptedmum. Thinking bout your surname i have been a temptedmum too (!)

maltesers · 07/05/2006 09:10

Meant nickname not surname. no wonder you are tempted. My thoughts and empathese go out to you ..

Original poster
temptedmum · 07/05/2006 15:54

thanks for your kind words maltesers....I've been really quite surprised at how many women are in a similar or same situation as me....we'd be more like twice a year....every couple of months or so would be nice actually... this has had such a big affect on me I try to put a brave face on it all but inside I'm dying, I just feel so rejected, unattractive and unfulfilled...I know that it's been a huge part in me putting on lots of weight (I am an absolute emotional eater) though I'm not blaming him for that as I'm the one in control of my eating.... When he gets back I'm going to try and get a way for a few days...I feel absolutely and totally drained emotionally from all of this and just have nothing more to give.....

OP posts:
maltesers · 07/05/2006 15:57

Ah sorry to hear that. When he gets back from where? Hope something is resolved for you although i dont suppose it will be the sexual realtionship. I know my situation wont get any better and it has caused me to wander. But when its good its ok and bearable. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide to do. Let me know...ok ?

Original poster
temptedmum · 07/05/2006 16:00

..back from Taiwan (been out there on business) tonight..how have you coped with the guilt of wandering ? I do sometimes think that I will be "temptedmum" but would hate the thought of any man seeing my wobbly bits all over the place....need to doing something about it soon and get back control I think

OP posts:
maltesers · 07/05/2006 16:06

does he smoke. My dp has jsut given up bout a month ago...the 13th attempt at non smoking and he says things are better down below....so there is hope yet.

maltesers · 07/05/2006 16:08

Sounds to me like you need a good lover who makes you feel like a woman, sorry cos i'm sure that there are loads of mumsnetters who will throw bricks at me. But sometimes you feel like you need a good man and a big one on top to give you a good sh......g. whoops !

ggglimpopo · 07/05/2006 16:47

In France, if one partner refuses to have sex with the other for more than six months, it is seen as reasonable grounds for divorce....

maltesers · 07/05/2006 22:44

Sounds good in France !

maltesers · 07/05/2006 22:44

Sounds good in France !

jasper · 07/05/2006 22:44

withholding sex is classed as unreasonable behavious and so is grounds for divorce in the UK too.

jasper · 07/05/2006 22:45

competely agree with you maltesers

maltesers · 08/05/2006 08:09

gosh never knew that jasper. thats interesting, trouble is i'm not married to my dp.

bizzi · 08/05/2006 08:12

Just read through your thread Temptedmum and really feel for you. I'm in a similar position (last time 9 mnths agoSad) and have been comforted recently (in bizare kind of way} at the number of others in our position, we're not as alone as I thought I was.
Then again I look at the length of time people put up with their sexless relationships (11 years here) and cringe, can I put up with this for ever? God knows I don't want to, but there seems little hope of a change.
I would love to hear from people who have lived through improvement. My DH gave up smoking last year and we've not had sex since! So no change there (yet...)

Original poster
temptedmum · 09/05/2006 12:16

...interested in inputs about France...don't want us to end up in the divorce courts because of this though...a friend of mine says that every woman needs a loving a loyal husband.... and a loving and loyal lover too... not sure how I'd feel if he adopted this attitude though !!! Interstingly I had an email recently (friends reunited) from an old boyfriend who would "love to catch up for old times sake".. Unfortunately he WAS the love of my life and I know that I would get involved...he's also married and I couldn't do it to his wife (he obviously can though !!)

OP posts:
tinyFox · 09/05/2006 12:18

yes i am single. lol

Rhubarb · 09/05/2006 12:41

I don't usually discuss my sex life on here, it's one of my own personal taboos. But I will say that my dh does not have a high sex drive at all. It's not that unusual. We think men must be up for it all the time, but they're not. Just as my dh waited patiently for me after I'd had kids (about 6 months each time), I feel I shouldn't pressurise him if he doesn't want it.

If a partner shows no interest in sex for a very lengthy period then there is something wrong I think. He needs to see his GP. But this isn't easy as many men find it extremely hard to talk about sex, esp when it's not going right.

There is no right answer here. I think I would lay my cards on the table and say "right, unless you see someone about it then I'm going to go out and have a shag with someone. You have 3 months, plenty of time."

I think there is a medical explanation for this and they can get testosterone injections to make up for a lack of natural resources of this hormone. But if they refuse to do something about it, that is rather selfish. If it was the other way round they'd want you to do something about it wouldn't they?

Kesai · 18/08/2007 01:46

Not that I would wish it on anyone but its still comforting to know that I am not completely alone. My husband has a very low sex drive, and we've had progressively less sex over the years. I have a very high drive and even knowing my husband has chronic pain, I still feel unwanted and unattractive and b/c of his total lack of interest in sex. It's really hard b/c I know he loves me, he's a good man, and I know he's loyal. It makes me feel quite guilty for even wanting sex, like I am shallow or something b/c there are so many wonderful aspects of our relationship. I don't want to live w/out sex but he's the only man I've ever been with or ever plan to be with so I have to figure out a way feel sexy and confident without and to learn how to do without. I've given him enough stress about this issue as is, its not like I could enjoy the sex if I know he doesn't want too or can't enjoy it. How do you guys cope without it? Masturbation isn't enough for me either. I want to be healthy and happy and focus on all the good we do have. Is there some way to learn to live without? Some way to alter your own drive?