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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Could you cope without sex?

104 replies

temptedmum · 23/03/2006 18:23

DH shows no sign or interest in sex these days. he's a fantastic DAD and affectionate in every other way...love him to bits. But I just can't cope with a future of no sex/intimacy. He's always had a low sex drive and I've always initiated (or mostly) the pyhsical side of our relationship...but am now getting p*d off with the whole situation. Tried discussing it with him and now getting angry that he seems not able to either discuss or work it out with me or to do whatever needs to be done to resolve the problem...."the" conversation has been going on now for the past two years. I now feel unloved, unattractive and want to feel alive again so Victoria beckham if your old man is free send him around to mine and get him to take me over the kitchen table or something so that I can feel like a real women again . Any suggestions would be most welcomed (blush)

OP posts:
Original poster
temptedmum · 23/03/2006 19:22

hbdu - I'd hate to think that we were in the same position in another 15 years time...how have you coped ? the problem is is that I DO love him and, if the truth be know, I only want him (though David beckham or George Clooney WOULD do !)and we DO have a really good relationship, apart from this. the only thing is it's not a little thing...I don't want to be in a sexless marriage. To me it's an extension of the love you feel (bloody hell that sounds sooooooo corny!) and good sex is usually a result of a really good relationship

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Original poster
temptedmum · 23/03/2006 19:26

...will catch upp later for any suggestions...need to put children to bed...he's on college course tonight...forgot to mention that I am 3 stone heavier than when we met...maybe he just doesn't fancy me any more.....

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hellsbellsdownunder · 23/03/2006 19:36

That's just it tm - I haven't 'coped' well. It's been a bl*y nightmare! I think sex is a natural expression of love - and when we married I think I was a tiny bit more experienced than dh and I honestly thought that over time we would develop a shared intimacy. But he just doesn't seem to need the excitement and passion that I crave. I've wondered if he is gay, or has some fetish that he can't tell me about, or ....what??? Or maybe he just doesn't find me very attractive. I've never been able to sus it out - he just goes on thinking he simply has a 'difficult' wife and that basically all is well while I'm left frustrated and angry. So my advice is try and sort it NOW tm!

paolosgirl · 23/03/2006 19:42

I could - as someone said earlier, as long as there was affection, laughs, love and respect then yep. Maybe not forever, though Grin

Original poster
temptedmum · 23/03/2006 20:11

HBDU - what happened with the affairs then...was it somebody you worked with or somebody you knew..how did DH find out, why didn't he kick you out when he found out....so many questions and poor you !!

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monkeytrousers · 23/03/2006 20:29

I think this is the feminine version of a mid life crisis - when you fear you've lost your sexual allure and where once you'd feel pissed off from the attention of builders, now you miss it when they don't notice you walk by.

My DP is the same, very low sex drive but very affectionate and loving no the less. It used to really get to me as it felt like a rejection but it's really just part of a mature and secure relationship. If he's on the job every 3 months think yourself lucky! Really, try not to worry about it so much. Relationships are constantly changing and will move around like continents - you'll come together when you're ready. If he's loving, then he loves you. I agree with Expat and MI. Don't knock yourself out, and don't believe the hype.

monkeytrousers · 23/03/2006 20:40

How sad HBDU. Temptedmum though, have you really tried to see it from his point of view or are you just so angry and humiliated about it that you can't? I think it is up to you do do that. Like you say you're not celebate, he just doesn;t want to be forced into it when he doesn't feel like it. Would you really want him to perform on demand? What's that do do with love and respect.

I dunno if it'll help but this short story by Tolstoy helped me rethink my expectations about relationships timeless as they are..\link{http://www.ccel.org/ccel/tolstoy/family.htm\family happiness}

kama · 23/03/2006 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lazyanna · 23/03/2006 22:47

Jesus, I have a choice about whether I can cope or not?

9 years and counting without a shag

Sad
BudaBabe · 23/03/2006 22:52

10 years here - it's more common than you think.....

misdee · 23/03/2006 22:53

havent had sex for almost 18months. tbh i;d just be grateful with the smaller things and not focus on sex.

expatinscotland · 23/03/2006 22:53

i used to think i'd not be able to cope.

then i had kids . . . :o

cameheretopostthesame · 25/03/2006 16:45

temptedmum: all yours posts could have been written by me.

DH and I have been struggling with this for the last 10 years. Unlike you, we have tried everything - counselling, therapy (individually and together), doctors, consultants, viagra, various other drugs, legal and illegal - but things are still the same. DH's sex drive is non-existent and he also suffers from impotence. We have conceived our children through a lot of viagra and a lot of tears (his).

Outwarded we are the perfect family - middle-class, good jobs, he is successful and 'powerful' and good looking.

Every year I think "Maybe next year will be different" but nothing is changing. He finds it incredibly hard to talk about it. He finds each failed 'attempt' devastating. He is very depressed about it but also very fucked-up inside. I have wondered if he is gay too - but he says he simply doesn't have much desire at all and when he does, his body doesn't act on it.

I use sex toys all the time - nearly every day - but it doesn't help. I want to have him. I love him so much. I find myself using sex toys and thinking about him and somehow that's so awful it breaks my heart.

I can't discuss this with friends and it is so hard for people to understand. My friends are always moaning about how their partners bother them for sex and I am so envious. I can't look at couples we know without feeling jealous.

Sometimes I am so full of rage I could happily gun down random strangers in the street (if I was American of course). :)

I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life like this. I love him so much but all this stuff never leaves my mind.

So I don't have any advice, but you aren't alone in feeling the way you do - even if it feels like you are.

milupa · 25/03/2006 20:56

The more you want it from him the less he will want to give it to you.
I am in the opposite situation. He wants it I hate it. I could live without sex for the rest of my life.

stitch · 26/03/2006 23:40

yes

suzywong · 27/03/2006 00:30

No

maltesers · 27/03/2006 18:42

my dp has very little, next to no sex drive. He has mental health problems like depression. Feel so unwanted. He mekes no effort to improve things. Have suggested a sex therapist but he wont go. So i know just what you must be feeling you women out there who want there partners to make love to them !

maltesers · 27/03/2006 18:46

Understand you fully CHTPTSame. We are in the same boat. Feel quite down about my raltionship. Having mantioned other saddening issues tonight on mumsnet know there is not much going for my ralationship. GOD WHAT AM I DOING. guess i am hanging on for 5 yr old ds who loves his daddy. . .

Original poster
temptedmum · 27/03/2006 21:36

...thanks for all your postings nice to know that there are others in this sad situation and this at least gives us the chance to talk about various options available. Still considering the relate/discussion route...somehow I don't think he'll go for it

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Original poster
temptedmum · 06/05/2006 22:14

.

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Original poster
temptedmum · 06/05/2006 22:15

what a crazy month...not quite sure where to start with an update....

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expatinscotland · 06/05/2006 22:17

yes, i could live w/o sex.

notasheep · 06/05/2006 22:26

ditto

beetle73 · 06/05/2006 22:26

Could probably live without it. But wouldn't like the thought of not having it available. IYSWIM. Possibly the sort of complacency affecting some of these men?

threelittlebabies · 06/05/2006 22:27

yes, but dh couldn't! (can't?!)Blush