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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

domestic violence

84 replies

combobulated · 03/10/2012 20:34

I have posted before about my husband being violent towards me. Always people on this board give me good advice but I never follow it and I dont know why. The violent outbursts are not constant and things settle down in between and then boom it happens again.

At the weekend after a row he bit me hard on my back and has bruised all down my arms where he grabbed me I have had enough. I am having to wear long sleeves to hide the bruises as though it is my dirty secret. On Monday morning I walked into a police station to report this but backed out at the last minute.

I dont even know why I am typing this but I need to get it out.

OP posts:

hoopieghirl · 03/10/2012 20:41

I am so sorry you are going through this. Well done for admitting u need to get out. Lots of good advice oh here. Wishing u well .

jaffacake2 · 03/10/2012 20:42

You need to find out why you are accepting this sort of behaviour which you know is wrong. Only when you start to believe that you deserve more out of a relationship and your life will you then stop letting yourself be abused like this
Contact Refuge on line and look at the Freedom programme.
Thousands of people can give you advise but you will only make changes when you have a sense of self worth.Freedom can help you to see this.

dequoisagitil · 03/10/2012 20:47

You could still go back to the police. Don't keep living with this.

avenueone · 03/10/2012 20:48

jaffacake has spoken some wonderful words there. Very little I can add but didn't want to read and run. You are not to blame for anything that is happening to you, you can only make choices about what to do about it.

Wolfiefan · 03/10/2012 20:50

You are typing this because you are a brave woman and you know you don't deserve this. No judgement from me. Just supportive thought.
It's not your dirty secret. It's his.

Original poster

combobulated · 03/10/2012 20:53

I know what you are saying makes sense and trust me I am close to breaking point. I almost wanted someone at work to notice the bruises so I could confide in them.

I have a supportive family I dont know why I put up with this. I feel so angry now. Already we have returned to normal family life like its ok.

He says he feels glad because I made him so angry on Saturday he could have done much worse but he held himself back.

OP posts:

AnastasiaSteele · 03/10/2012 20:54

Hey....plenty of friendlies on the abuse thread. We aren't prone to shouting or violence if you'd like to lurk or post. It's not your fault. You have to be ready. I posted under loads of name changes. Today I took my first step, it takes time. You can refer yourself to refuge or local DV support group, or see your doctor if you'd rather address it that way. It's okay xxx

I feel sick reading your post, you don't deserve this treatment.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 03/10/2012 21:01

Well done for going to the police. Even if you didnt report it, its still a step.

What stopped you reporting it? Fear of him? Fear of not being believed? Fear of causing too much drama?

Original poster

combobulated · 03/10/2012 21:06

Fear of causing too much drama I suppose I'm not scared of him anymore.

Thank you for understanding, I have always posted then when the replies say leave him and I dont I just stop reading.

OP posts:

HansieMom · 03/10/2012 21:11

What a fine man to have held himself back. Not.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 03/10/2012 21:21

It takes so much courage to leave. You have that courage. You just need to find it. Its a really hard thing to do.

Dont let fear of drama hold you back though. If you did report him, do you have a plan for leaving him? Would you stay in the house? Do you have your own income/know about benefits? Do you know all your rights?

It can take years for people to leave. Dont ever feel like you cant get support here because you havent left.

Original poster

combobulated · 03/10/2012 21:59

I have no plans I havent thought that far.

Thank you so much for your kind words again.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 03/10/2012 22:04

hello. I don't remember you, but feel sure I must have posted on your previous threads.

You know this is escalating, right

it is chilling that he "held himself back" but still managed to bite you in the area he did

biting is one of the biggest red flags of domestic violence (if it is even acceptable to "rate" them) because it infers he sees you as no more than an animal

harsh, but true

to bite someone on the back, where the skin is relatively taut and difficult to latch onto is a terrifying thought

I feel very afraid for you

please go back to the police station tomorrow and report him

AnastasiaSteele · 03/10/2012 22:30

You don't need a grand plan yet. just a first step. No pressure from anyone here.

Call women's aid 0808 200 247 and tell them you have a violent husband. They will be understanding.

izzyizin · 03/10/2012 22:41

Every time you allow him to treat you as a punchbag and get away with it, what message do you think you're giving him?

Has it occurred to you that in failing to take any action and covering up the evidence of his violence, you're colluding with him and giving him permission to do it again?

Reporting him to the police will be something of anticlimax compared to the drama that occurs in your home when he physically assaults you.

Bite marks and bruises don't vanish in a couple of days. They'll be visible if you report him to the police tomorrow or Friday.

If you intend to continue allowing this man to physically assault you whenever he feels so inclined, it would be extremely unfair of you to burden a colleague with your 'confidences' whether accidentally or deliberately and, more especially, as you say you have a supportive family.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 03/10/2012 22:45

Really do not agree with the jist of your post izzy.

susiedaisy · 03/10/2012 22:46

Please please act on the advice you're given on here, the violence will escalate he's already told you that on this occasion he held back, you don't have to wait until the next lot of bruises so that you can report him, just leave ASAP!

Wolfiefan · 03/10/2012 22:50

It is not helpful to try and push a clearly upset and traumatised person into leaving her partner. Support and understanding are called for. Perhaps make suggestions but don't instruct. The OP has already said this will drive her away.
Thinking of you OP. Support always here.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2012 22:50

so, when he doesn't bother to "hold back" what will he do ?

you are toying with the whims of a man that will bite you

he is not to be toyed with

he will kill you, eventually

wannabedomesticgoddess · 03/10/2012 22:52

I agree with Wolfie.

OP, I am hiding this thread now but if you ever need to talk to someone please PM me.

AnastasiaSteele · 03/10/2012 22:52

You are not to blame. He is responsible for his own behaviour.

You can get help.

AnastasiaSteele · 03/10/2012 22:54

Ps no one is judging you, just worried for you.

Original poster

combobulated · 03/10/2012 22:56

Any fucker yes you have replied to me before.

I posted the first time he hit me i cant even remember when this was maybe 2-3 yrs ago. people told me he would do it again and he did.

Izzy dont worry i would not burden a colleague it was just a moment where i wished someone would notice it was never going to happen.

OP posts:

AnastasiaSteele · 03/10/2012 22:58

Don't apologise for wanting help, we've all been there.

Original poster

combobulated · 03/10/2012 22:58

thank you anastasia and wolfie i appreciate ur support

OP posts:

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