Don't know what to think.

[CherryPie3]

Last night my husband sat me down as he had something to tell me.

On Friday he went to his friends evening wedding reception. I was working at his mum's shop.
As he was leaving at 11:45pm a young girl that was attending someone else's wedding reception walked across the carpark explaining that she had no money and could he please take her into town to meet her friends. She was also on the phone to her friends explaining that she had no money.

Despite town being out of his way he took her as he didn't want to leave her stranded.

As he was driving she declared that he was gorgeous and placed her feet up on his dashboard. She then started using her fingers to pleasure herself and asked my dh to take her somewhere dark and private. Which he didn't, he explained he had to get back to the reception as he had left his friends there.

Upon arriving at town she asked him repeatedly to have sex with her, and was getting quite angry that he was refusing to. When she finally got out she punched my dh on the cheek and slammed the door.

My dh then went back to the wedding reception and didn't get home until 3am. He explained he was so late because his friends wanted taking home.

I was very calm while he was telling me as something similar happened to me twice before - not as disgusting but a 'friend' tried kissing me whilst I was dropping him off at home, he then sent me disgusting texts despite me telling him to take a run and jump! Another 'friend' tried to kiss me after a group night out.

I'm absolutely sickened by the whole thing and have been physically sick this morning because I had to drive his car on Saturday, completely oblivious that this woman had been sat in it pleasuring herself. I never ever want to set foot in that car again! She was sat where I normally would if dh was driving.

Now I'm thinking about it I have so many questions that don't make sense.

1. Why would she ask a stranger for help when she must have friends/family at the reception that could have helped her out?

2. Why did my husband go out of his way to help a stranger, knowing there must be other people she knows that would help her.

3. Why did he return to his friends afterwards instead of coming straight home.

4. Why didn't he explain he had a wife and 3 kids waiting for him at home instead of having to go back to his friends.

5. Why did he leave it until last night to tell me?

I am so confused and hurt and upset and angry and devastated.... I love my husband so much and I don't think he would ever, ever cheat on me but those questions are getting to me. I wish I could switch my brain off.
I'm very insecure at the best of times without this. I am a very wobbly size 24 lady and he says this girl was a slim girl with short blonde hair.

We have just recently celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary, he is 25, I am 27. Our children are 7, 6, 2yrs.

What should I be thinking? I'm sorry it's long.

That sounds like a really good idea cherry.

You may need some RL support after, could you call your parents or a different friend for support? You might surprised how helpful people can be when you need them.

Or, if he is caught lying to you, perhaps it won't matter if your friend tells people? Depends how you feel about that, but they're his lies not yours. You've done nothing wrong.

Cherry your husband is lying.

Please stop telling your husband what you're going to do. Go to that police station in secret as soon as you can. Don't tell your friend or anyone else about this either. Do what needs to be done and keep your own counsel.

Your husband now realises that you know he's lying. Be prepared now for the lies to get even more elaborate and to receive some fake 'letter' from the police with a similarly fake reference number. Does your husband know you've got a thread on here?

Good plan about tomorrow morning. We're all behind you. He's definitely lying but who knows why? You need to know more, you poor lamb, it must be horrible just wondering :(

Dear cherry, I am very sorry I have to agree with most on here, your DH is lying through his back teeth about something, he is taking you for a fool. As Beth said STOP telling him what you are doing. The fact he had drawn other people into his web of deceit for me is is horrible. From an outsider point of view his story is so far fetched. I am very sorry you are going through but at least when you get the truth you can decide what to do and take control. Keep strong.

This must be so stressful and worrying for you Cherry, I'm so sorry.

I think you definitely owe it to yourself to check out his story with the police station. Even if you ultimately decide to continue with your marriage. Just the thought that your DH potentially got some woman - maybe THE woman - to lie to you on the phone so elaborately makes me sick.

Best of luck with the police station tomorrow morning. You have a right to speak to a police officer about it - either your DH is telling the truth and somebody can verify to you that what he described is in line with their procedures, or he's lying in which case somebody was breaking the law by impersonating an officer on the phone. Don't feel like a 'silly emotional wife' or whatever it was you said earlier, for wanting to check it out with them. It is entirely within their remit to listen to you and help you.

hi love.
I originally believed your husband was innocent. However, the police story is sounding very fishy. I've had to call the police about serious incidents and yes they did get reported. My mother, on the other hand, called for a chat about disruptive neighbours and they immediately opened a case and gave a reference number! And last year my sister got bitten my a dog and again was given a whole case number. Sorry Cherry. xxx

Hi everyone, my mum has finally gone but I only have about 20 minutes free at the minute. Dh finishes work at 5 and I don't want anything to look different to the kids or dh.

I feel so bad knowing I'm going behind his back about this but then I think, well, he clearly already has. I hate having secrets from him.

I have spent the last 10 minutes reading through FAQ's on police and victim support websites. Not because I don't believe you all but because I desperately want something to kind of back up what my dh is saying. Needless to say none of it does and I wasn't surprised. Just makes me that bit sadder.

My brain is trying to concoct some kind of explanation as to why none of this adds up and I just can't.
I'm not the bravest person so I'm terrified about going to the station tomorrow, I don't want to waste their time or them see me as a nosey wife who doesn't trust her dh. I'm worried that they might just turn around and say "sorry love but everything is confidential".

I just can't stop crying about the whole thing and it's upsetting my 2yo seeing me so much.
I'm devastated at the thought of all this being lies, that potentially he and this woman are laughing at me for being so gullible.I'm terrified of everything you guys have said, being true. :(
I have nobody in RL who I can call or talk to. My sister lives 4 hours away and I'm not particularly close to her anyway anymore, she's very wrapped up in her own life right now.

I think someone on here asked where I was? I'm in West Yorkshire.

To clarify for Quintessential, my dh knew about the wedding sometime before apparently, I have no idea why I wasn't invited but it isn't unusual for him to not ask me as I would probably have said no anyway, I wouldn't want to let his mum down. I rarely go to any of his friends parties/events unless I know them personally. I will from now on I think, either we both go or none of us go.

The lack of a crime number is really stressing me out because I had just assumed he would get one, the fact that he doesn't have one makes me think I may have caught him out on something. We'll see tomorrow I guess. He did call me and made me promise I wouldn't raise this with him again, he really doesn't want to talk about it anymore. I'll let it lie for now but once I've spoken with the police I'm gonna have to bring it up again I think.

I wouldn't tell your friend just yet cherry, if she has a bit of a problem with blabbing.

It's not long to hold on till tomorrow and then you will have an idea of whether or not you are going to need a bit of emotional back up.

I know it must be awful. My DH is the one i turn to in a crisis, so if he were the cause of the crisis i too would be hard pushed to know who to talk to let it all out, and would feel very lost.

:( hug

Try to relax tonight, and not talk about it with him if you can help it. Just hang in there and look at tomorrow as being the day when you start to get some questions answered.

We're not just words on a screen - we're all here wishng you the best outcome.

X posts cherry, but what i said stands. You poor thing.

Good that he doesnt want to talk about it. You can get on with your investigation without feeling you're hiding something.

If i were near WY i would be round to make you a cupper :) But you're safe - i'm miles away!

"I'm worried that they might just turn around and say "sorry love but everything is confidential"."

I think that's a very reasonable concern. And if you simply say you're trying to find out whether your DH filed a report then they may say this.

That's why it's important to remember you can mention about the phone call from the WPC. That concerns you. Asking to speak to a WPC who called you is absolutely fair enough.

You could choose to play along and ask to speak to the WPC who called you, saying you can't remember her name, and giving a time etc, as suggested above.

Or you can be honest and say someone called you yesterday saying they were a WPC but you don't think they were, could they check.

Personally I'd be more comfortable with the second as it's more honest, I'm not sure I'd be able to pull off the first option personally! I think you run the risk of them simply giving you the brush-off and then still not knowing.

You'd be more than welcome Fluffy :)

I'm not feeling too strong right now, I have to mop up my face and get the kids off the school bus. :(

Bloody hell :(

A nice warm for Cherry.

He made you promise not to bring it up any more?!

I'm not surprised. He's probably starting to panic and is realising he's being caught out by his own lies. The fewer questions you ask, the less chance there is of him tripping himself up.

I knew he'd try and shut you up.

Ask him how he'd feel if it was you who'd been approached sexually by a man in a car park late at night and then physically assaulted by him. Would he be happy to let it go and never speak of it again?? I doubt it.

The things you need to get to the bottom of are:

1. Why did he even tell you about this woman in the first place? (My guess is that he's having an affair and someone's threatened to blow the whistle.)

1. The answer to 1 will tell you why he's lying about this whole police/CCTV thing too.

So sorry you're going through this. He's treating you as if you're a but thick and will swallow his bullshit. Well done for staying strong and refusing to be fobbed off. Even if the truth is unpleasant, you'll respect yourself so much more in the long run knowing that you didn't let yourself be made a mug of.

Sending you strength :)

aufanie the second suggestion is a good one. I've been trying to think how to word it but I think that's great.

And Cherry, if they do say 'sorry love but it's all confidential' then you can ask in that case WHY did one of their officers allegedly talk to you over the phone about it in the first place? She had no idea who you were. IMO that just wouldn't have happened.
And your H doesn't want to talk about it any more because he's afraid he's going to trip himself up in a lie. And he wants to brush it all under the carpet because he knows he's fucked up in some way.

Easy to say try to stay strong for now. Everyone here is supporting you.

I'm sorry but despite the implausibility, because of your unwavering faith in this man I was keeping an open-mind - I have to say the police stuff however just doesn't ring true.

He is lying to you. At best he did not report the incident (for whatever reason) and pretended he had but to go to such lengths i.e. get "someone" to impersonate a police officer is extreme.

At worst he has behaved inappropriately and has reason to believe that this is going to make it's way back to you and hence covering his arse with this fantastic tale in advance.

More plausible explanations could be.

It happened like he said, she was a prostitute and he agreed to have sex with her not realising he'd be expected to pay - didn't pay & got slapped worried she may try to exact some revenge/track him down.

He got caught by the police having sex in his car with OW/Prostitute or believes it may have been caught on CCTV

He was caught/seen by someone you know in a car with a woman or having a row with a woman.

He offered a woman a lift home, made a pass (or worse) which was rejected, he was slapped and he fears she'll look you up and tell you.

You need to get savvy, allow him to believe you are content with his version of events, go/ring the police station and ask for the officer you spoke to yesterday, check phone records for the night of the police call, get hold of his mobile if you can and check call logs, did he call anyone straight after your text?

So sorry OP what a nightmare.

Cherry I understand why you're terrified of going into the police station. But I assure you, if you do what I suggest you won't be brushed off or treated unkindly. When you go to the front counter, ask to speak to a woman officer on her own. You have no need to disclose what it is about. Think rationally about why many women might want to do that. The staff are trained to understand that. The chances are there will be someone available there and then, but if there's not, they might offer to send an officer to your own home at a time that's convenient to you.

I don't want to malign male police officers, because many would be completely understanding of your plight and would want to answer your questions honestly. However I'm going to be realistic here and tell you that there will be some who will over-identify with your husband's circumstances, on the basis of 'There but for the grace of god go I' and without compromising their ethics too much, might offer false reassurance.

I think if you were sitting down with a woman officer, she will want to help you. She might identify more with your circumstances.

Alternatively, yes you could just go in and ask to speak to the 'female officer' who used your husband's phone yesterday. But as it was on his phone, there will be no trace of that. What there should be a trace of is some paperwork.

As is often the case on a thread, I'm getting a bigger picture about your life. It sounds as though your husband often fails to tell you about social events and that you don't get to go out much on your own or as a couple. I'm interested in why you wouldn't want to attend these events yourself? Is it because it's mainly all lads together attending? Is it because you've outgrown their behaviour? Or that you don't think your husband or the others want you there?

Your husband has made you promise to close the discussion because he knows he's lying and realises you know he's lying too. That's a very controlling thing to do - unilaterally making a discussion closed.

I think that's a very good suggestion, to ask to speak to a female officer on her own.

I know this is not what everyone else is saying but:

Does the op really need to put herself through going to the police station, digging around for 'proof'?
Is there a point?

It sounds as if she is very stressed and upset.

The man has lied. If she goes to the police station I can gaurentee that her partner will come up with yet another lie 'no you went to the wrong one' , 'I gave a different name', 'you spoke to the wrong person love, you are paranoid'

And this all starts again with the poor op just doubting herself and going slowly mad. The whole situation getting more complicated.

He has lied. cherry you really do not need a sworn statement from the police to prove that to him. He knows he has lied and the more lies he tells the deeper this is getting.

I know it's all scary but I really think you should screw up your courage and say very clearly 'I know you are not telling the truth. You need to tell me what really happened so we can talk about it'

As long as that would be a safe thing to do.

Greeneyed, I have checked his phone. No text messages or calls there.

I feel so stupid. I'm so grateful for you all, and all your suggestions, makes me feel kind of proud that I started the thread at all as it's not something I would normally do.

Wish this nightmare was over. Or not happening at all.

I never for a second believed I would be in this situation and doubting my dh. We've been so happy.

On the Friday night that he was out, he rung me at about 11:30 before I went to bed. He told me he loved me etc. Never mentioned he was about to leave or I would have stayed up and waited for him but as it got towards 1am I had to crash.
He woke me up when he came in although I don't remember it much as I was very sleepy. He mentioned police vaguely, but I can't remember what he said. It was while he was taking him friends home I remember that much. At the time it didn't matter as I was blissfully unaware of anything.
But this was mere matter of hours since IT happened, it would have been very fresh in his mind. And he just crawled into bed and slept? It's enough to make me sick.

He went into work on Saturday, just for a few hours, this isn't unusual either as he often has thing to catch up on.

I am doubting everything now!! Did he go to work? I don't know what to think.

He text me Friday night at 1:20am asking if I was ok. I replied saying yes but I was in bed and I hoped he was enjoying himself. He replied "yeah, just with friend"
I then got another text at 1:46 saying "You have no idea how much I love you" I was zonked by this time so I didn't get it.

I questioned dh on this afterwards and he said he text me (instead of ringing to tell me what happened) to see if I was still awake. But he woke me when he came in so why not just tell me then?

That's a very valid suggestion Orange.

I guess it depends on how much 'proof' OP feels she needs.

But you're right that on the facts of it, she's got more than enough evidence to say to him 'you're lying through your teeth'.

Maybe she'd feel she has a stronger case if she can actually say 'I've been to the police station and they categorically say that NO ONE there had a conversation with me yesterday.'

Yeah, she doesn't have to put herself through the police station ordeal if she doesn't want to. But she does have to address this at some point with her H. Because he is lying. And he obviously thinks she's stupid and will listen to any old crap as long as he spins it right.

Checking his story out with the police means there's a third party arbitrator IYSWIM?

Sorry I x=posted with lots, will backread now.

You make a good point Orange, The OP may not get the answers she wants from the police station and no record of the conversation could just be explained away by H as well it wasn't official, she never made a note of it etc etc..... I'd still be inclined to do more digging before confronting him as I believe he could still persuade OP he was telling the truth in the absence of any firm evidence to the contrary I would still ask to speak to the WPC I spoke to yesterday about my husbands assault on the basis of clarifying information, getting a crime number whatever, and I would still check his phone.

Weird OP. Why would he send you text messages like that around the exact time, or straight after he'd supposedly just been propositioned and attacked by a woman in his car?

Yet another thing that doesn't add up.