Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Ex's jealous girlfriend

49 replies

Annteeta · 30/09/2012 20:24

I have remained friends with my ex since we split up 7½ years ago and we have continued to share the dog. I sometimes have the dog weekends but he has generally had him in the week as he has been out of work. A year ago, he got a new girlfriend (in fact they got engaged barely 3 months after they met). He made it known a few months ago that she resented my existence and didn?t like us having any contact. I barely have any contact with him now on account of this and any contact we do have is kept to a minimum. He rang me a couple of weeks ago to tell me that for her birthday (which is next Friday) she is demanding that he cut all ties with me, deletes my number from his phone book and says that I can no longer have the dog except on special occasions. She says she hates me although I have always been friendly and gave her a lift home when they first met. He has said no to her demand and called tonight to tell me that they haven?t spoken all weekend after an argument about this issue. She?s had her phone switched off but rang him tonight to repeat her demand. Can you think of a way forward with this one? It makes me sad to think I can?t see the dog as I love having him. My partner thinks she is being totally unreasonable, as do I.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 30/09/2012 20:27

So if you'd had a child together rather than a dog would she expect him to cut all ties...

Xales · 30/09/2012 20:30

Tell him to give you the dog full time then. He can see it on special occasions. If she hates you that much then she would be happier without the dog as a reminder of you...

As an aside WTF is a special occasion with a dog?

PedanticPanda · 30/09/2012 20:32

random a dog is a bit different to a child, I don't think you can compare those situations.

RandomMess · 30/09/2012 20:36

The issue IMHO is the girlfriend's inability to recognise that they are still connected through the dog...

FGS she needs to grow up, I suspect she would be just the same even it was a child that they had together!!!

AnastasiaSteele · 30/09/2012 20:39

For her birthday?! She sounds mature. What happened to spa vouchers or diamonds?!

akaemmafrost · 30/09/2012 20:45

What a dick.

Second asking for dog full time.

HissyByName · 30/09/2012 20:47

He sounds as if he's in a highly dysfunctional relationship. Offer to take the dog FT, if I were you I'd tell him that he's a grown man and can associate with whomever he pleases, that her birthday gift is a demand, and to demand a gift negates it as a gift.

His relationship (if he's lucky) is doomed, he's doomed unless he dumps her. The 3m engagement? RED FLAG! He needs to sytand up for himself.

If your DP has any way of doing so, I'd suggest he have a man to man chat and remind your Ex that he's being manipulated and it's not good, it's not normal and not healthy.

She's doing this now, what's she going to do next? 1 in 3 women are abused, 1 in 6 men are too. I'd say he's in danger of becoming a statistic if he doesn't pull the reins in on this.

Hassled · 30/09/2012 20:51

Their relationship is probably doomed regardless if she has so little trust in him. If he agrees to the dog thing then there will be something else.

Or is he actually an untrustworthy type and she's right to be wary?

GoldShip · 30/09/2012 20:51

'Any contact we do have is kept to a minimum'

I'd have thought that is what is supposed to happen? To be honest I wouldn't want a partner who was friends with his ex. It just doesn't ring true to me. That's just my personal opinion.

I do love how you both share the dog :)

I think she's just being a childish drama queen, I wouldn't like to be in the same position but wouldn't be acting like she is. They won't last

ProphetOfDoom · 30/09/2012 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crazyhead · 30/09/2012 20:56

Er mainly I'd be feeling really sorry for my ex if I were in your shoes right now Annteena...

barnet · 30/09/2012 21:00

Your ex's relationship is not your problem. Accept the terms, and keep the dog if you want too. If not, let them keep the dog. There isn't any reason to keep contact. End of story.

adrastea · 30/09/2012 21:08

To be honest I wouldn't want a partner who was friends with his ex. It just doesn't ring true to me. That's just my personal opinion.
What do you mean 'ring true'? I don't get what you mean at all

I grew up with a number of divorced parents/step-parents/extended family and everyone was on good terms and actual friends. Exes and new partners etc all were totally normal and socialised etc, so really I've just grown up thinking that's totally normal. I'm on good terms/friends with several exes and that's pretty normal in my social group too. It's perfectly possible for it to be a totally unremarkable normal situation either way.

OP, your ex's GF sounds awful to make such a demand for her birthday. How utterly manipulative and unpleasant.

adrastea · 30/09/2012 21:09

BTW, I should probably add that yes, not all exes should be friends and it could be a bad situation. I just don't think it automatically is at all :)

GoldShip · 30/09/2012 21:23

Because I think ex's are exes for a reason, and staying friends with them after you've had an emotional and sexual relationship is never the same as just being 'friends'

That's my opinion anyway. And why I wouldn't go for a man who had a relationship with his ex. It's just not for me :)

LastMangoInParis · 30/09/2012 21:32

Why should you have to deal with this, Annteeta?
If, as you say, your XP is in a dysfunctional relationship and thinks his GF is being unreasonable, why don't they sort it out themselves?
Surely the only thing that should concern you is whether or not you agree to less contact with the dog?

olgaga · 30/09/2012 21:38

I wouldn't want to be with a man who maintained a relationship with his ex either! I agree with GoldShip staying friends with them after you've had an emotional and sexual relationship is never the same as just being 'friends'

A dog isn't a child! I can see her point of view - why can't he move on? He can get his own dog if he wants one. Or perhaps she thinks he ought to go out and get a job, and might be working if it wasn't for the fact he "looks after the dog" during the week.

The kindest thing you can say to this man is that you'll continue to look after the dog - as you always have = and maybe it's time to say goodbye.

Don't get involved - who cares what she's like? You shouldn't as it's really none of your business - or your partner's!

LastMangoInParis · 30/09/2012 21:44

I totally get the thing about shared custody of the dog... just not the bit about why you should be looking for solutions to any problems with their relationship.

I would think that your XP's GF was being unreasonable... except that the fact that you and XP get together and talk about how unreasonable she is - and the fact that you have taken a role in trying to sort out her 'jealousy' - suggest that actually perhaps she's not being so nuts after all. Perhaps you and XP are still quite close and she's got reason to be 'jealous' (i.e. uncomfortable). I still don't think their relationship is any of your business, though.

olgaga · 30/09/2012 21:57

you and XP get together and talk about how unreasonable she is - and the fact that you have taken a role in trying to sort out her 'jealousy' - suggest that actually perhaps she's not being so nuts after all

Yes, I agree. I'd run a mile if I was her. It really isn't right for him to be bleating to you about her. In fact he sounds more like your son than an ex!

Daisym0use · 30/09/2012 22:05

My dhs ex taught me to dive, it was slightly wierd but she's a really nice girl do it wasn't a huge problem. We don't see much of her these days but it wasn't a problem. Far better to get on with an ex than to have the situation I have with my ex.
I agree that you wouldn't want your dh/p having a cosy relationship with an ex but handing out demands is a sign of being a bunny boiler in my book. What next, cutting ties with family?
Maybe just keep a low profile op and offer to have dog full time if that's possible.

LastMangoInParis · 30/09/2012 22:10

bunnyboiler

What is a 'bunnyboiler', Daisym0use? (And yes, I have seen Fatal Attraction. I just want to know what the hell you mean by 'bunnyboiler'.)

Leverette · 30/09/2012 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

olgaga · 30/09/2012 22:51

I think this woman's preferences are for her and him to resolve. It's entirely irrelevant to anyone else what this woman is like. The only issue is the dog, which can be looked after by OP.

So why is it OP's problem? It's only her problem if she wants to get involved in a relationship which has nothing whatsoever to do with her.

So she should butt out!

Leverette · 30/09/2012 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Smeghead · 30/09/2012 23:03

Tell him that he must do whatever he thinks is right and then step away.

He is involving you in something that is nothing to do with you. If he thinks she is BU and wont acede to her demands, why on earth did you need to know?

Disengage.

Flip

1 2