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Original poster

Found out that my fiance is 280k in debt - what happens should I still marry him?

343 replies

BornToShopForcedToWork · 28/09/2012 22:09

Last night my fiance confessed that he is 280k in debt. I am devastated and consider not to marry him anymore. Although we always kept our finances separate and I don't mind marrying him with the debt I am a bit worried that I will be liable for the debt as well. I am not English and therefore not sure how it's handled in the UK. I have assets that I would like to protect.

How shall I handle this situation?

OP posts:
allchangeplease · 28/09/2012 23:59

tiredof he's also from a wealthy family

Original poster
BornToShopForcedToWork · 28/09/2012 23:59

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange

I wish he would aspire to life in a world like me as you put it. We don't flash in my family. My parents own a KIA, that's about 10 years old now, if not older. Nobody in my family owns an expensive watch. I could go on but I hope you know what I mean. Everybody in my family works hard.

OP posts:
allchangeplease · 29/09/2012 00:01

sookie, that's what I just said, re hoping for her to emotionally offer him to help him, you probably missed my post. He might be weak rather than evil, but it's not much difference in the end.

SomeoneThatYouUsedToKnow · 29/09/2012 00:06

How old are you? ( roughly ). You sound very young in your posts.

Have you ever had any indications that he might have had financial problems before? I can not imagine being in a relationship with someone for three years and them being able to keep such a momentous secret.

Original poster
BornToShopForcedToWork · 29/09/2012 00:06

I don't text him at the moment.I want to know all about his debt,but he wont tell me so I dont see a point of speaking to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
BornToShopForcedToWork · 29/09/2012 00:07

I am 22. He is 23.

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 29/09/2012 00:07

I think that's good. Like you say, you need to sleep on it.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange · 29/09/2012 00:07

tiredof he's also from a wealthy family

Yeah I know I saw that... but without wishing to sound like a snob, the flash watches, gadgets etc come across as very 'new money' - a bit insecure. OP is 'old money', and her last post, about her family not being flashy fits in with that. They are prudent and established by the sound of it. He is showier and the solidity of her wealth, inherited wealth is perhaps attractive to someone who wants to impress the world.

Does this make sense, or am I over-analysing it all and coming out with a load of crap!!?? Apologies if I am!

sookiesookie · 29/09/2012 00:07

No we wrote it at the same time, although unsure why we can't have the same opinion.
I think hr is abusive, add this to the 'its none of your business' and 'i am in £280k debt, but keep your nose out' shouts abuser.

allchangeplease · 29/09/2012 00:11

sookie, I mean that my view may have seem extreme to OP, but you see it the same way, so it could well be indeed the case Sad.

Original poster
BornToShopForcedToWork · 29/09/2012 00:12

His family is "old money" too. He has lots of very rich Russians friends he went to school with and as his parents didn't want to buy him what he wanted (A Bentley etc.) he is probably buying it now all on credit to boost his self esteem. I don't know. That's my guess. He doesn't speak to his parents. When we "announced" our engagement on Facebook his father contacted me and asked me if I could make him call his father.

OP posts:
allchangeplease · 29/09/2012 00:13

tired yes, true. But unfortunately he doesn't want to take her example, and his habits aer unlikely to change.

Lueji · 29/09/2012 00:13

That amount of debt is a dumpable offense IMO.

Plus the fact that he won't explain it and says it's none of your business. If he plans to marry you, it is your business.

And he's not worried about it and continues to spend as if the world was to end tomorrow.

He may well be a great person, otherwise, but do not marry him.

MadBusLady · 29/09/2012 00:14

It could of course be that he's cynically waiting for his parents to die when he'll be able to wipe out all his debt at a stroke. But it's pretty twisted, isn't it. Not the solution of a nice or responsible person.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange · 29/09/2012 00:16

Gosh that's a bit sad... I almost feel sorry for him.

It's interesting what you said about the Russians. When I was writing my last post and I wrote that he sounded a bit 'new money' I nearly wrote that he was showing off like a Russian oligarch, then I realised how bad it sounded!

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange · 29/09/2012 00:16

his habits aer unlikely to change

I couldn't agree more.

allchangeplease · 29/09/2012 00:18

OP, it's strange, as he doesn't display any 'old money' qualities himself, I thought his parents were first rich generation, and possibly from a flashier culture (Italian, Arabic?). I'd think most old money English wouldn't hang around with vulgar russians, and wouldn't want a Bentley as their first car at 23 (it's just not 'cool', it a 'daddy's car').

allchangeplease · 29/09/2012 00:21

ah right, so he's fallen out with his parents! he sounds like he has a lot of issue (parents sound ok, though of course I don't know what's really behind them falling out, whether it was just the money).

Original poster
BornToShopForcedToWork · 29/09/2012 00:23

No, he is English. I don't and I can't go into too much details about his parents but they live in a beautiful country estate. They are asset strong but not so cash strong. So I will write from my ipad now.

OP posts:
SomeoneThatYouUsedToKnow · 29/09/2012 00:24

He is 23 and managed to run up 280,000 pounds of debt. Shock. How on earth did he manage to get his hands on that amount of cash?

That is almost impressive Confused

I would cancel the engagement and stop dating him. He is a fraud. He is pretending to be something he isn't.

allchangeplease · 29/09/2012 00:25

'issues', sorry for other errors too.

allchangeplease · 29/09/2012 00:28

All in all he sounds incredibly weak and quite shallow as he's mostly influenced by his flashy friends, who knows why with his background! possibly a cold attitude from parents emotionally, or possibly he's just a twat (sorry!)

deleted203 · 29/09/2012 00:29

Fuck no! Don't marry him. Anyone who gets into this sort of debt at 23 is not living in the real world. If you marry him your assets will become joint ones and he'll then run up debts using your property as collateral. Seriously, you'll probably lose everything you've got that your family have worked for. Run a mile girl! Particularly as he is arrogantly refusing to explain himself to you.

allchangeplease · 29/09/2012 00:34

I can see why you are confused though, OP, as he seemed to be genuinely into you for a couple of years when you lived very modestly (though he probably did know about your family) and he had no idea that you may inherit soon.

orchidee · 29/09/2012 00:37

In the nicest possible way.. it sounds like there are big differences in your values, and not much basis for a marriage.

I ask again, what extravagant gifts has he bought you recently? Do you like your 8k watch? Yes exactly.

Sorry I know you're having a difficult time just now but your health and your mum's health, these things happened outside of your control. He got himself into debt. You just don't compare those situations.