Found out that my fiance is 280k in debt - what happens should I still marry him?

[BornToShopForcedToWork]

Last night my fiance confessed that he is 280k in debt. I am devastated and consider not to marry him anymore. Although we always kept our finances separate and I don't mind marrying him with the debt I am a bit worried that I will be liable for the debt as well. I am not English and therefore not sure how it's handled in the UK. I have assets that I would like to protect.

How shall I handle this situation?

I'm really sorry Borntoshop I'm afraid you haven't come across a character like him before. I have and came very close to marrying him and he was very charming and I loved him. But if they are as similar as they sound...

"He doesnt believe that I love him for what he is, not for what he has." you are deluding yourself into beleiving that he is spending this money to impress you. He isn't, he's spending money he hasn't got because he likes having this stuff. It isn't anything to do with you and its unlikely to change. His lifestyle is the way it is for the simple reason that he likes it this way.

oh, sorry. I misread. Still, I cannot believe that he would be so uncaring.

Even earning that kind of money, he would have to drastically reduce his spending to have any hope of paying back his debt. He could live well on £50k and pay back £100k a year.

But he won't. I can tell you that now.

BigStickBIWI

Thank you. Are you the BIWI from the LC Bootcamp? Maybe you can understand that after today I just had to eat three slices of bread with honey. My stomach feels a bit better now.

OP he does think you are with him for money. That is him challenging you.

He is saying 'go on prove you are with me for me and not money and stay' if you leave he can say it was only for money. If you stay you accept his emotional abuse and him shutting you out of his finances and the impact on you.

He is trying to manipulate you into declaring your unconditional love and getting ended up feeling you have stay.

I own a property abroad and we just spent a holiday there together and he knows my parents, my parents house and whom I inherited from (My granddad was a famous German architect) it is easy to google what I inherited and how much the assets are worth.

Your wealth is real. His sounds like it is all smoke and mirrors.

Really sounds like a horrible time, and it must be a really hard time for you with your mum being ill. But to be honest, however much he has supported you, he sounds rather shallow and materialistic (the flash watches, the PR parties, etc).

This is a really impertinent and may seem rather a cruel question, but do you think he would still want to marry you if you had nothing, no family wealth? I think you need to ask yourself.

You don't want your property being used as security against his business deals in the future. He could lose you everything.

And I know it sounds cruel, but if he's a young man and he's accrued 280k of debt, he's not just overly extravagant, he's not a very good businessman either.

Oh shitting hell Borntoshop - I again missed your last updates.

Don't feel stupid, it is not your actions that have caused any of this.

Is there any support network around you? You have so much to deal with, I'm not surprised you have depression. You deserve so much more than this, really you do. I wonder if actually without him you would have more time to devote to taking care of yourself - who responds to your last phonecall with what he said? He has bigger issues than the debt. You need to be kind to yourself. You sound lovely. I wish I could give you a real life hug. I'm so sorry you are dealing with so much, I'm sorry about your mother.

You trusted him because you're nice, BornToShop. And because most people are trustworthy. You are not a horrible person. Health problems happen to lots of people. Cancer (sadly) happens to lots of people. And yes, there are a few crappy men about, and they tend to target people they think they can manipulate. You are getting the shitty end of the stick at the moment, to be sure.

There is one huge bright spot however.

You found out now. Imagine how awful it would have been to have found out in two years time, when you were already married to him.

I think in future you'll look back on this moment as the luckiest escape of your life.

But one thing at a time. I'm glad you're having a weekend away from him.

he *doesn't@ think you are with him.

Borntoshop so sorry that you're going through this on top of your pre-existing stresses.

I know they are snippets, but leaving the debt issue aside nothing you've posted makes it sound like marriage is the next step for your relationship. You don't live together, you don't want kids, he sounds like an arsehole. It's for these reasons I am very suspicious about the timing of the proposal. He may not know your exact worth but he'll have a pretty good idea and from an outside perspective it looks like he sees you as a solution to his money problems. The problems that are so damn important they trump yours.

(And this is just by the by, even if he does earn £150k, that is not enough to support the lifestyle you describe in my opinion. Sounds crazy, but it really isn't. 8k watches and Mayfair rents are the province of the super-rich.)

I am 'That BIWI' - and I can absolutely understand

You need someone who will love and cherish you. Sadly, this man is not the one.

blooming heck born to.

I thought my bloke's money management was bad- yours knocks spots off his.

I found out about my other half (now separated) debts after our wedding. It has been awful- and even though my ex has paid his off he hasn't learnt anything, so that's why he's an ex. Your bloke definitely has not learnt anything either but the sounds of it. Your situation sounds FAR worse than mine ever was and you have the power to stop it now. From what you've said it really does not sound like marrying sounds like a good option at the moment.

Do you have any RL friends that know you and your fiancé? Can you discuss this with any of them?

The more details you give the worse he sounds. He sounds like a complete idiot and I would be very suspicious of his behaviour.

I am sorry about your Mum, I hope she gets better.

How long have you known him?

Since I have known him he has lived in at least 12 different places, if not more. I don't think he wants to pay the debt off anytime soon. He bought a new camera for about 1,5k on Monday, he bought a new watch worth 8k a couple of weeks ago.

Sorry love, but not a good marriage prospect at all. Why does he keep moving? And why is he buying 1.5k cameras and 8k watches when he's debted up to the eyeballs..?

He sounds emotionally cruel too re. the situation with your mother (I'm so sorry for you about that by the way).

I suspect that he told you about his debt (and even said he had a reason to kill himself) so that you offer to pay the debt off! he now knows you have inheritance, and chose a moment when you were emotional and talking about your Mum, trying to play on your emotions - if this is true , he is callous and manipulative, on top of what all the other postres already said.
Step one is to stop being vulnerable and opening up to him, it makes you too attached to him. talk to your friends instead, at least until you know what you want to do.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange

I honestly don't know. When we started dating I wasn't earning much money, I lived in the most horrid place (a shoe box in London with a live-in landlady who never put the heating on and it was so cold that one day a bottle of diet coke froze completely.) But it was my way of showing my parents that I can really be independent and live on my own. Maybe I should add that I don't get on very well with my mother's DH, even though they are married for over 18 years now.

I am not a flashy person, yes I own the odd more expensive thing and I like to go on holiday, however I work very hard as well and shop mostly at Primark and H&M. I would like to buy a nice flat after I finish my degree and get my first "city" job. That's why I continued working even though I inherited and also I have the best employers in the world and the cutest child to look after and will probably work for them until the little one goes to school FT.

I need to sleep over this. I need some space from him.

Ok here's how it sounds.

Being in debt is something he doesn't mind. He thinks he deserves expensive watches and all the perks that life can offer. He is unrealistic about his financial means. He is comfortable owing a large amount of money and seems to have no intention to pay it off.

If you marry, and he continues in this way, you'll be liable for the new debts that he creates.

Also, if he has 10k spare for a watch and camera, hardly essentials, what did he buy you?

I am sorry for the difficult time you're having. I think you've been offered a lucky escape. Up to you if you take it. If you do marry him, you'll do so with full knowledge of what to expect.

allchangeplease

That's never going to happen and I hope he knows that. Even I can not access the money at the moment as its tied up in saving bonds. I would never be so stupid and pay 280k off debt for somebody. My family worked very hard for what we have and even though I had the "luck" to inherit I am still working hard even though I wouldn't have too.

Poor you, BornTo. It must feel so awful everyone saying this about your fiance. No-one's said a word in his favour, have they? It's horrible when you come on MN and you think there might be some reassurance in the pipeline and you get exactly the opposite.

The fact that this thread has got so long so quickly is because people are queuing up to tell you not to marry him. The red flags are flapping in the wind.

Give yourself a break from it. It's good that you aren't with him this weekend. Try and spend some time with someone undemanding, whom you trust, and give yourself some time to work out what to do next.

And then get rid, of course.

SomeoneThatYouUsedToKnow

We are together for three years, I know him for nearly five years. Yes, we are many RL friends who know us both, my best friend was shocked when I told her today. I haven't told my mother yet as my stepfather/her husband told me not to. He said I shall not marry him unless I can protect my assets.

Cross posted with you OP.

I don't think your fiance is necessarily just a cynical gold digger intent on getting his hands on your assets. All I am saying is that if you are from a wealthy background, you represent the world he aspires to. This is true regardless of whether you were living in a dump doing a humble job. And it probably made it easier for him to fall in love with you.

You are right to give yourself some space.

OP I know you will not bail him out, but I'm saying he's HOPING for that, especially the way he used 'killing himself' comment to try and make you feel sorry/scared. I'm talking about what kind of person he is.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange

Of course it is horrible. It is horrible that I always thought to have found the perfect guy and then in the last 24h my life has changed so much. But I am very realistic and I am rather being told the truth, even though it's not what I want to hear. I love him, but I love myself more.

I don't know what to do. This was/is my first real relationship. I thought I would stay with him forever and then this all happens...

OP i am so sorry. You do space from him.

He picked a time you were vulnerable to tell you and mention killing himself (but then adding that he wouldn't WTF?). Your reaction was meant to be to offer to clear it so he wouldn't speak of killing himself and you didn't have to worry about losing someone else.

Its says alot that your mother could die and he thinks being in debt is worse. I don't care how much debt there is, your mother dying is infinitely worse.

While you were upset he off loaded to manipulate you into paying his debt off, or he genuinely does not care and could not give you a little support. Did the conversation then turn to be all about him and his debt, not about you and the pain you are in?

What contact have you had since?