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Original poster

Found out that my fiance is 280k in debt - what happens should I still marry him?

343 replies

BornToShopForcedToWork · 28/09/2012 22:09

Last night my fiance confessed that he is 280k in debt. I am devastated and consider not to marry him anymore. Although we always kept our finances separate and I don't mind marrying him with the debt I am a bit worried that I will be liable for the debt as well. I am not English and therefore not sure how it's handled in the UK. I have assets that I would like to protect.

How shall I handle this situation?

OP posts:
NellyJob · 30/09/2012 09:36

listen to izzyizin, he/she makes good points, very good.

janelikesjam · 30/09/2012 10:34

Also this thread makes me think ... how people are with money, their relationship with money, how they "talk" about money e.g. showing-off, any lack of self-control, their sense of responsibility (or not), their wish to over-control, their wish to exploit others, sense of entitlement, all will be revealed without effort!!!

Timetoask · 30/09/2012 10:44

I will give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt, let us assume that he indeed is a high flying business man, he thought he could produce 1million pounds with the investment of 250k, it didn't go well, he took a chance and now he is on debt.

Even with that in mind, To me he really sounds as someone who is not mature enough to get married. He still thinks that all these flashy jewels, cars, clothes are needed to be a worthwhile person, that is the sign of a man with DEEP insecurities.

Don't get married. Please. He needs another ten years to grow up.

Sallyingforth · 30/09/2012 12:22

He needs another ten years to grow up.

By which time he will be in even greater debt and/or bankrupt and/or prison.

Teapot13 · 30/09/2012 12:47

The debt itself is not fatal, and it is perfectly possible for an individual to get into debt even through a limited company many creditors would require a personal guarantee from an owner if the company doesn't have adequate assets. If this were truly a business deal gone wrong and he explained the business model, what the money was used for, why the business failed, there could conceivably be something salvageable here. But he isn't doing that he's trying to get you to stop asking questions. That is a huge warning.

A prenuptial agreement (even if it were allowed) will not help this fundamental problem of honesty and trust.

minouminou · 30/09/2012 12:48

I'm a financial idiot, and I'm telling you to GTFO, my love.

Really.

moajab · 30/09/2012 13:46

If you marry him then even if you're not responsible for his currant debts, you would find yourself expected to fund his extravagant lifestyle because that's what he thinks he's entitled to. Even with separate finances he would still demand money off you. Tell you it's none of your business if you ask what it's for. And sulk if you say no.

Original poster
BornToShopForcedToWork · 30/09/2012 13:50

Sorry, I didn't reply earlier but I wasn't able to. We separated last night so I am feeling very down today and I am sad, upset and angry. I will go into more details later, but right now I want to cry under my duvet.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 30/09/2012 14:07

Ah Born - have a big (((hug))) - I'm sure you do feel very blue about it just now but really, this is the best in the long run. Have a good cry, get it out of your system and then write a list of all his bad points. Have you a friend you can call to come over and be with you? x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/09/2012 14:07

Breaking up is hard to do yes but in your case sod crying under the duvet and relish your new found freedom instead!!!. Its not your fault that he has acted like a complete twunt when it comes to personal finance and he would have gone through your own money like a dose of salts if you had married him. You have had a lucky escape.

ChazsGoldAttitude · 30/09/2012 14:15

((((Hug))))
I'm sure you are feeling down now but hopefully in a little while you will see that he wasn't the right person for you in the long run. I would have have some fun, go out with your friends and enjoy being young and free in London.

Sallyingforth · 30/09/2012 14:20

OP
I'm very sorry that you have had to do this. It was necessary but of course you will be feeling very miserable.
But things can only get better. Concentrate on your career for now, and one day you will find that man who really deserves you.

Lueji · 30/09/2012 14:23

You are mostly grieving for the man you thought he was and the future you had planned.

This man is bad news and you should really be happy to get rid of him!

You should go out and celebrate that you got the true measure of him before you got trapped.

SomeoneThatYouUsedToKnow · 30/09/2012 14:25

That must have been difficult for you and I am not surprised that you are sad. I am sure it is for the best based on what you have told us.

bran · 30/09/2012 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzyizin · 30/09/2012 14:31

All credit to you, honey - you're a woman who doesn't just listen to sound advice; you act on it.

With that attitude you'll go far, and when you meet Mr Truly Right For You you'll be so glad you ditched Walter Mitty this immature and irresponsible twat.

tzella · 30/09/2012 14:37

Aw, you poor thing. Sorry you feel so crappy but agree with everyone about this being a lucky escape. I'd dine out on his story "...and £280k in debt!" and watch your chums go Shock.

I think he's very very immature and I reckon he distanced himself from his patents when they found him out, and now he's done the same to you. Must be quite stressful and weird to be living the (fake) high life but not being able to have any real relationships as he's going to get found out at any moment. His poor parents.

CondoleezzaRiceKrispies · 30/09/2012 14:47

You poor thing, your head must be spinning.
Agreed, definitely the best thing to have done, putting the debt aside there were lots of other worrying things regarding his sense of entitlement etc.
You sound like a marvellous catch, OP, I bet when you've had time to gather your thoughts and recover you'll find another bloke who's much more sorted. Smile

Jux · 30/09/2012 18:26

Oh, love, it's so hard.

Wallow under your duvet today, for after this you have a fab life ahead of you, especially with the values you've been brought up with and your strength of character and integrity. Any man would be privileged to have you. I know it's no comfort to you now, but hang on to those character traits, hold your head up and plunge into life.

(((((((hugs))))))

Xenia · 30/09/2012 18:46

If you love him you could not marry (to avoid financial implications) but still live happily together but with totally separate finances. It's perfectly possible and ensure you never pay for anything of his and vice versa. My debt is near £1m because of divorce. I am very good with money and earn quite a lot. If £1m isn't a problem his comparatively tiny debt is nothing.

mathanxiety · 30/09/2012 18:49

((((xxx)))))

Cold comfort, but this is the better way.

Be nice to yourself. Don't run yourself ragged working. Take a little time to appreciate your own strengths and try to cast off doubt. You are doing the right thing and being faithful to yourself. Sometimes it is hard to see how you are putting yourself first when your result in the short term is heartbreak. If you have a photo of yourself as a girl of about 12 or so, look at it and remember you are protecting that girl's future right now.

mathanxiety · 30/09/2012 18:52

Xenia that is bollocks. This is not about the amount of the debt. It is about how this man has treated her as a human being he supposedly loves and whose best interests he supposedly has at heart.

Xenia · 30/09/2012 19:39

I only read the first post or so - that he had a debt, not what else he might have done. What else has he done?

DontmindifIdo · 30/09/2012 19:46

Come to this thread late and you've already dealt with this. Just to add, it's ok to be sad at the end of the relationship you thought you had.

He's not the man you thought he was, it's ok to grieve for that man. Eventually you'll meet someone who does meet the expectations you had of this man.

ATourchOfInsanity · 30/09/2012 19:54

Just a note to say I hope you are feeling better. Just seen this thread and it reminded me of my narrow escape. If they don't tell you these things before asking you to marry them, then WORRY! I had a similar, but not such a huge debt, situation and my father was possibly more worried than me! It took a while for the fog to lift and for me to realise he was sponging from me and get out very fast. People like this just drag others down. Always thinking their next big break is around the corner if only they had enough money... It really isn't. My ex used to boast terribly and his friends used to snigger behind his back as everyone knew it was champagne tastes and lemonade money. It was very embarrassing but he couldn't see it. You don't want to have the rest of your life with someone like this, believe me. You will look back and think 'Phew!' Keep looking forward :)