Found out that my fiance is 280k in debt - what happens should I still marry him?

[BornToShopForcedToWork]

Last night my fiance confessed that he is 280k in debt. I am devastated and consider not to marry him anymore. Although we always kept our finances separate and I don't mind marrying him with the debt I am a bit worried that I will be liable for the debt as well. I am not English and therefore not sure how it's handled in the UK. I have assets that I would like to protect.

How shall I handle this situation?

[DameKewcumber]

"I am trying to talk to him now but he doesn't want to tell me anything. He says it is none of my business" that alone would be enough for me to put clear water between me and any prospective husband.

Separate finances are neither here nor there. Once you are married pretty much everything is marital assets - separate bank accounts might make it practically more difficult for his creditors (or him!) to get their hands on your money but it doesn't mean they're not legally entitled to it.

Doesn't it worry you that he says its none of your business - well he made it your business by suggesting marriage. What else doesn;t he think you shouldn't know about or worry your pretty little head about?

[BornToShopForcedToWork]

Alibabaandthe40nappies

He doesn't know how much I am worth exactly. But as I own a property abroad and we just spent a holiday there together and he knows my parents, my parents house and whom I inherited from (My granddad was a famous German architect) it is easy to google what I inherited and how much the assets are worth. If that makes sense.

We have been together for nearly three years.

[MadBusLady]

I don't think she is avoiding, Alibaba, I think it's just all a bit shocking. And maybe the answers are not very reassuring.

We can't reassure you, BorntoShop, is the point.

There is no magic legal bullet that makes this ok.

Even if there was, he has lied and is still refusing to give you the full picture.

I think the comments about how you shouldn't marry him because he's flashy and materialistic are a bit off, personally. Whether or not you like his personality traits is your decision.

But he can't afford it, can he. I think you were very perceptive with your initial comments about his schooling, and how it has probably left him with expectations of a lifestyle that his finances can't really support.

[MadBusLady]

sookiesookie

[orchidee]

BornToShop

As someone who has run my own business and had "big name" clients- it means not a jot. The important thing is whether he is financially responsible. You dint want to mention details, I understand, but earlier I really was asking:

What's his income and how does this compare to his expenses?

Has he demonstrated that he's taking real steps to clear the debt?

I suspect that if you stay with him you'll find he continues to spend recklessly, behave immaturely and have a vague hope that the debt will magically disappear.

A massive warning sign is that he doesn't seem to take responsibility for creating the debt. He has made bad decisions, has he learned from them?

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

That does make sense.

In your position, I would be worried that he has proposed because he sees you as a meal ticket.

Does he have a plan to pay it off?

[suburbophobe]

Alibaba - I seem to remember reading about a German(?) heiress successfully being able to have her pre-nup held up in a UK court a couple of years ago....
could be wrong though.

[BornToShopForcedToWork]

DollyTwat

Certain things have happened to me recently and I struggle occasionally with depressions. My mother is battling with cancer at the moment and tried to commit suicide last month while I was abroad on holiday. I've had a long, stressful week as I work 60h a week and also study in the evenings. Last night I was really down and was crying to him on the phone for hours. He said that my problems weren't as bad as his and that he would have a reason to kill himself but he wouldn't. When I asked why he told me about the debt. You can guess how bad I feel now.

[MmeLindor]

Are you German? Could you get married in Germany - not sure of the legalities, but if you have a Gütertrennung arrangement in Germany, then you would not be liable for his debts.

You would need expert advice though, to see if the UK courts would accept this.

[sookiesookie]

Bornto - what made him propose? how soon after you inherited did he propose?

I am sorry you are having to deal with this i feel so bad for you.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Ok - forget the debt.

Instead look at how he is treating you. This is not a lovely man who is going to care for you and nurture you. He is a selfish, self-serving little boy.

Do you respect him?

[MmeLindor]

No, no. no.

You have had major health issues and tried to commit suicide and his response was to play misery top trumps and reveal his massive debts?

RUN. Run, don't walk far far away from him.

[MadBusLady]

Oh BorntoShop that is a shitty thing for him to say.

Really wonder if it might be an idea to get away to a friend's this weekend, if you can. You have a lot to process.

[MadBusLady]

Her mother tried to MmeLindor. But still, yes, misery top trumps!

[BornToShopForcedToWork]

orchidee

I don't know what's his income. He once said it was about 150k a year. What always concerned me a little bit was that he kept moving around. Since I have known him he has lived in at least 12 different places, if not more.

I don't think he wants to pay the debt off anytime soon. He bought a new camera for about 1,5k on Monday, he bought a new watch worth 8k a couple of weeks ago.

I feel like such an idiot at the moment. For trusting and loving him. I am asking myself what a horrible person I must be that so many bad things have happened to me recently.

I guess he won't stop his lavish spending. He doesnt believe that I love him for what he is, not for what he has.

[sookiesookie]

Oh my god. You were looking to man who wants to spend his life with you for support and he tries to top it?

Forget the debt, he is horrible and there are so many red flags flying. He will become a financially abusive husband. I am sorry but he is already an emotionally abusive dp.

[BornToShopForcedToWork]

MadBusLady I live with my employers and don't have to leave at the weekend what I usually did. I didn't bother going to him this weekend.

[IllageVidiot]

Borntoshop - I am really sorry this has happened and I'm not being flippant in my previous comments. I really and honestly feel sick for you and if I could say 'do this one thing and all will be well' then I would as I have walked in similar shos to yours.

Unfortunately what that experience tells me is - you are about to peer into an as yet undisclosed chasm of shit that you never expected. It doesn't get better. It hurts more to stay than to go.

You know what you feel. You are hurting. You had expetations of a life that has been turned on it's head. Don't let those things together lead to you a decision that will wreck your head, heart and bank account.

[DollyTwat]

So sorry to hear about your mum, horrible thing to be coping with

I think he's revealed to you some of his finances and now regrets it. I honestly don't think he's told you all his debts.

You are very vulnerable right now. You need all your strength to support your mum and deal with your own feigns about her cancer. This situation alone is big enough for you to not consider marrying anyone at the moment.

[DollyTwat]

*feelings

[BornToShopForcedToWork]

MmeLindor

I could get married in Germany I guess, but I wouldn't want to. I have chosen England as my "home country" and would like to get married her. Most of my friends live here, if not nearly all of them.

[BigStickBIWI]

I'm really sorry, BorntoShop, but this man doesn't sound like he really and truly loves you for who you are.

You deserve better.

[Mayisout]

Put wedding on hold for a year and give any reason to everyone for this.
Then see how things pan out without that pressure on either of you.

[Wowserz129]

Run a mile!!

[CaliforniaLeaving]

I bet the 280 is the tip of the iceberg and he's trying to make it sound not so bad. Thing is if he declare bankruptcy and clears his debts before marriage, chances are he'll acquire more and you will be liable for those being his wife. He sounds very irresponsible, he wants to keep up appearances with a place in Mayfair and is willing to go into major debt for it.
I also bet he found out you inherited properties, maybe you said something or let something slip without realizing it, or even someone else you know let slip, one of your family or someone who knows your family. You are his meal ticket, run, run, run.
He isn't very nice, he's dropped a bomb on you with this and is now saying none of your business? If he wants you as his life partner of course it's your business. It would affect your whole life, probably cycles of debt, remorse, paying it off, more debt and on and on.