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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Found out that my fiance is 280k in debt - what happens should I still marry him?

343 replies

BornToShopForcedToWork · 28/09/2012 22:09

Last night my fiance confessed that he is 280k in debt. I am devastated and consider not to marry him anymore. Although we always kept our finances separate and I don't mind marrying him with the debt I am a bit worried that I will be liable for the debt as well. I am not English and therefore not sure how it's handled in the UK. I have assets that I would like to protect.

How shall I handle this situation?

OP posts:

suburbophobe · 28/09/2012 23:01

dine out on the lucky escape.

Great saying, and I agree.

Don't marry this man. He is dishonest and it won't end well.

Do you want to have children in the future? If so (and even if not) protect your assets, cos life has a funny way of going pear-shaped when you least expect it.
Like you said, this is family money that you inherited. You have a duty to protect it from predators.

As an aside, I don't understand that UK has no possiblitily of a pre-nup. I live in a continental European country where you have the choice of either marrying with or without a pre-nup.
With a pre-nup, at least you know then he's not marrying you to get his grubby hands on your inheritance/assets should it go tits-up, and your children will be protected.

MadBusLady · 28/09/2012 23:01

DP & I own a company. It's not an indicator of anything except the ability to fill in a form and pay a £10 admin fee.

AlteredState · 28/09/2012 23:02

Gosh BornToShop having read more I really do feel for you. Tbh between after posting my first post and reading the thread not only do I think you shouldn't marry him, he doesn't even sound reliable and honest enough to be in a serious relationship with. Sorry I don't mean to be rude. I'm staggered at him saying it's none of your business. He sounds too secretive to me.

Offred · 28/09/2012 23:02

Uk does have a prenup but they are not necessarily recognised in the courts.

sookiesookie · 28/09/2012 23:02

OP he is not a good person.

I KNOW (dh has several businesses) that I would know as soon as any potential problems occurred with his businesses. If something happened that was really drastic and he lost £280 k over night, I KNOW I would be the first to know. I KNOW he would be open, honest and fully transparent about what happened.

He has been like this since we decided to get engaged, three months after we met.
Its not a perfect marriage but I trust him completely and he would not disrespect me with 'its none of your business' while asking me to tie myself to him.

You say you want to put the wedding off, when does he want to marry?

IllageVidiot · 28/09/2012 23:03

I could not agree more strongly with sookiesookie.

But consider this- he has deceived you, then by omission and now while looking into your eyes. He has not aquired these as 'honest' debts (unforseen and irreprable circumstances) he has caused this by being absolutely feckless wrt his spending. His issues with this will be deep rooted and require work I'm not sure he sounds mature or responsible enough to do. It will often require an overseer of any and all spending and restrictions that will probably have him upping and leaving anyway. Money issues like this will follow you for years and years and affect nearly every financial decision you will make.

You don't care if he has any money, I believe you, but he's so far beyond 'having any money' he is very literally in negative cash now in an incredibly unstable position. I couldn't continue to have a relationship with someone who would lie to me even when they were admitting a huge problem with which they required my help and for which they were asking forgiveness.

Devora · 28/09/2012 23:04

He says it is none of your business? Seriously, don't marry this guy.

He may well be lovely in all sorts of other ways. I'm not saying you shouldn't be with him. But do NOT tangle up your financial affairs with his. This man is not ready for marriage - and may never be.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 28/09/2012 23:04

suburb - UK law at the moment assumes that you become a single financial entity when you get married. So say they got married and it broke down after 5 years, the OPs assets would be weighed against her husband's debt before a settlement was agreed.
There is some rumbling about giving pre-nups legal weight, but I don't think anyone has successfully made one stick in court yet although I could be wrong about that.

MmeLindor · 28/09/2012 23:04

"I am not a girl that's madly in love, otherwise I wouldn't ask people on here for advice but go straight ahead and marry him"

Don't marry him. That sentence says it all.

And the fact that he is throwing money around when he is so deep in debt tells me that he has no intention of ever paying it off. He is waiting for someone - you or his parents perhaps - to bail him out.

Original poster

BornToShopForcedToWork · 28/09/2012 23:05

sookiesookie

I didn't want to get married soon, I put on a lot of weight, was diagnosed with PCOS and now I am losing the weight, slowly but it is actually happening. I said I wanted to get married as soon as I felt better in my own skin.

OP posts:

NellyJob · 28/09/2012 23:06

He says it is none of my business
oh nice

Heleninahandcart · 28/09/2012 23:08

Pre nups are still not legally recognised in the UK. There have been recent high profile cases where they have been considered but if you marry him, everything you now own would normally become part of the joint marital assets. You could loose half of everything you now have. There is talk of pre nups becoming recognised in the UK in the future, but the court could still override anything you now agree if circumstances change.

He would also be able to check how much you inherited as information on who owns a property is available to publicly from the Land Registry.

Regardless of this, he has lied to you and your instincts are telling you he is still lying. Trust your instincts. Run.

Original poster

BornToShopForcedToWork · 28/09/2012 23:08

MadBusLady

He actually has clients. I know that as we were often invited to launch parties and PR events of his clients. His clients were not just little "firms" but some well-known and I don't want to write down too much information as I don't want other people to might be able to google it.

OP posts:

IllageVidiot · 28/09/2012 23:09

Sorry, took so long with post and child I missed the subsequents posts and it all moved on.

Op, he sounds awful and not only would I not marry him I would not continue a relationship with him. I would give myself the opportunity of being single when a good, honest man comes by and to have a relationship with a mature adult that treats me with respect.

sookiesookie · 28/09/2012 23:10

I didn't want to get married soon,
if he could pick a time to marry when would it be.

You say you didn't want to marry soon, does he?

NellyJob · 28/09/2012 23:10

borntoshop please don't marry him

MadBusLady · 28/09/2012 23:10

You can network, have clients, be getting work even, and still be in trouble. You wouldn't believe the number of bullshitters that swan around at the average PR drinkies (actually you probably would now!)

But this isn't really the point any more is it. The point is that he's now trying to dismiss your concerns and blow you off. Which kind of makes me think there is more to come.

Original poster

BornToShopForcedToWork · 28/09/2012 23:11

He is not too bothered when we get married, he said that I can decide.

OP posts:

FairPhyllis · 28/09/2012 23:12

Refusing to talk to you now it is out in the open is incredibly unfair and controlling.

Do not marry him, or his debt will become yours and your assets will get swallowed up.

If I had that much debt and truly loved someone, I wouldn't WANT to marry them until I was clear of it, so that they didn't get dragged down in my own mess.

sookiesookie · 28/09/2012 23:12

OP I get invited to parties all the time with DH, some are very well to do clients. Some are just social events, you would think with all the business talk they were all in business together. But they are not. What proof do you have these are clients?

I mean actual proof, not we met at a party.

AlteredState · 28/09/2012 23:13

Has he explained why he wants to get married?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 28/09/2012 23:13

BorntoShop you are avoiding all the pertinent questions.

Does he know how much you are worth?

How long have you been together?

Original poster

BornToShopForcedToWork · 28/09/2012 23:15

MadBusLady

Yes, I know. I just assumed as his clients were well-known that he was doing well and could therefore afford all this. He comes from a well-off family and as we never shared our finances I didn't know about whether he has savings etc. I wish I would have found out earlier.

OP posts:

sookiesookie · 28/09/2012 23:16

madbuslady was more forthcoming than I was. Thats what I mean, a social event for bullshitters.

One man we met was talking of investing with dh and his new venture, down to amounts and wanting costings, requesting info from our accountants.
He was in court the following week on fraud charges and is now in prison. He didn't mention that he was actually skint and going to prison.

I tried to demure about it, but it didn't work. A big thanks to madbuslady for returning me to my usual self. :)

DollyTwat · 28/09/2012 23:16

How did you find out?

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