Found out that my fiance is 280k in debt - what happens should I still marry him?

[BornToShopForcedToWork]

Last night my fiance confessed that he is 280k in debt. I am devastated and consider not to marry him anymore. Although we always kept our finances separate and I don't mind marrying him with the debt I am a bit worried that I will be liable for the debt as well. I am not English and therefore not sure how it's handled in the UK. I have assets that I would like to protect.

How shall I handle this situation?

You know you can't marry him, don't you. The thread title was your way of expressing your shock. And now you need time to absorb the shock and to begin to imagine a way forward.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Finding out someone close to you is not who you believed them to be is very hard.

Lots of lovely and wise posters in here to guide you through.

Go gently, try to distance yourself from him and to be with friends who you are sure of. xx

Thanks for all your kind messages. I slept a lot better last with the help of wine and I feel a bit better today than I did yesterday.

He does not speak to his parents because they didn't want to support him when he moved to London for his degree. At the beginning the father paid him a little bit each month but stopped then for some to me unknown reason. He studied but stopped in the first year to focus on his businesses.

I have not met his parents yet. The only contact I've ever had was when we got engaged and his father contacted me, asking me if I could ask his son to phone him the other day. They also asked when they would get to meet me.

He started some of the businesses with his "rich friends".

I can not believe what a comletely fool I am. I am upset and feel very hurt. I will speak to him later but before I will have a look on Companies Houses.

At least you have found out now. Not meeting his patents is a massive red flag.ccan you talk to them?

Bornto - have you considered the gambling aspect? Perhaps his parents know something about it, it could be a reason why his Dad would have stopped his allowance.

Its not ofteen parents don't support their dcs choice to go to uni. I wouldn't believe this story.

I'm thinking about calling his father and letting him know about this. I really really should have known it especially since one of his mates is in jail because of fraud worth several millions.

I told him that I will get all my stuff this weekend and he told me that I am overreacting.

He studied but stopped in the first year to focus on his businesses.
That says a lot. He wanted to 'get rich quick' instead of working at his studies and getting a proper job. And it failed.
Please, please don't get any more involved with this loser. He's unreliable and will drag you down in one way or another.

I can not believe what a comletely fool I am.
You're not a fool, he is. He managed for a while to convince you he is something he is not. But you've rumbled him and (hopefully) have given him the heave. He's the one who has lost out.

I don't earn much at the moment (I'm a nanny and still studying) but I own and co-own properties and money from an inheritance

I have not read whole thread OP, but on above alone I want to scream "Don't do it". Half your assets become his (communal property) on marriage (and divorce), and I would imagine you would be liable for his current debt.

I would be very wary all round. Sometimes when we are luved-up there are things we simply don't want to see, but please try to keep your vision as clear as possible to see who this man is and what he is doing. Sounds like you are already though, upsetting though it is

He can't have been that committed to his degree course if he dropped out after one year for the reasons you state, so maybe his parents were right to have doubts about financing it. And they'll have a lot more background knowledge to his entitled attitude towards money that they can baybe enlighten you with. That should be a very interesting conversation.

Take a mate to get your stuff with you. Do not go alone- otherwise he will think you want to talk again. Just say you have realised you are too young to deal with all this and your father has asked you to step away , even if he hasnt. Re arrange if no one is free.

You are not a fool. You found out now. Over reacting! No, not a bit.

Overreact away. You need to be well away from all this. Run!

Fair play to him for confessing. It must have been hard. I was in a similar stuation before I married my dw. I was in £15k of debt from being a twat with £. I felt I had to tell my GF at the time as I knew she was very good with money and was a very honest person. I didnt want to marry her with this hanging over my head. It took me about 2 weeks to find the courage to tell her. She listened then went quiet for a day or two. iwas convinced it was the end of the relationship but she came back witha plan to pay yhe debt off so we could start a life together free form worry.

We have been debt free since and now I am the tight one questioning every purchase almost.

You can ringfence your cash that you bring into a relationship. its not difficult to prove that this was yours before meeting him so dont worry too much.. If you love him enough and he is willing to work hard towards paying it off and changing his lifestyle and spending habits then work with him and help. It can work.

Good luck

Fair play to him for confessing. It must have been hard. Disagree with this completely. He only told because he wanted to demonstrate that him and his problems are more important than the OP's mother being so ill.

Born I think talking to his father would be a very wise move.

Agree with Alibaba - it was competitive probleming - "my problems are so much worse than yours" - not hard at all.
Bet he didn't expect this outcome though!

Balotelli, did you actually read the OP's posts?

It's none of her business, he spends what he doesn't have and doesn't feel the need to actually do work to earn money.

And she's overeacting.

And it's 280k, not 15.

And also, balotelli it's a little bit more than 15K, and this guy's overall attitude signals some red flags. Like telling her it's none of her business for a start.

And assets could be ring fenced, but I bet they would argue all the time about spending and how.

After a while the OP might have to sell their marital home, paid for by the money she had been earning since getting married.

I just wouldn't trust him.

Don't feel a fool, BorntoShop! Your instincts have saved you from this guy BEFORE you married him. That doesn't sound like a fool to me at all.

I am against telling his father, IF you feel this is the end of the relationship. I think I know why you want to - you want to do the right thing, and you probably hope the parents can give this man a wake-up call. Well, maybe they could, maybe not.

But my feeling is that it isn't really your problem any more. You don't know anything about his parents, or their relationship with him. You don't know what trouble you might be involving yourself in by telling them. Quite honestly, if this bloke is anything like as twisted up as he sounds, I wouldn't put it past him to get truly nasty with you for speaking to them.

I think you are being sensible to not marry him. I assume he knows about your inheritance and the properties you co-own. I wonder how attractive you would be to him if you had nothing or had debts. I think you know the answer.

Good luck and, although it may be hard to think about this at the moment, you've had a very lucky escape.

OP I'm really concerned about his comment that his business situation is "none of your business". £280K debt or no, I couldn't marry anyone who wasn't able and willing to be completely honest with me about his financial and business circumstances.

I'm not suggesting that you should be delving into the business accounts in detail, but if you are going to be a marriage team together, at least a vague idea of what is going on is, to my mind, essential.

I am a lawyer and I regularly advise company directors on giving personal guarantees. I also act for banks recovering those sums. If he'd given a personal guarantee and the Bank was actually calling on it, they would have done so by now. So it doesn't sound like a personal guarantee debt to me.

If he's set up a business with his friends and he's know for being a bit flash with his cash, do you think they have brought him on board to fund their hopeless business idea?

When you marry, your assets will remain yours unless you want to merge them or if they passed under a will. In the event of a divorce you would probably hang on to them, but a pre-nup (although it is only persuasive, not binding) would help.

I'm also concerned about you saying that you want to build up a good credit rating. If your finances become linked (because you share an address or you have a joint account for the bills) your credit rating may suffer because of him. There is some good stuff on the Money Saving Expert website about this.

Please think very carefully before you agree to marry him.

Do you think he told you about this debt in the hope that you would react by offering to help bail him out?

He may not know the details of your bank account/s but I'm guessing he must be aware you own property?

I'd not only be concerned about the "none of your business" comment but also that he said it was business so "it'll just get written off soon anyway" (er, will it?!). Also his dramatics.

It seems he's flailing about between extremes of 'don't overreact, it's nothing' and 'my life is a disaster and nobody else's problems compare'. That and the fact he's still spending like a loon indicate he's both in denial and desperate for a miraculous out, which is probably marrying you and either a) having someone to share the financial burden, or b) having someone to make all his troubles just disappear.

Don't be that person. I wouldn't just not marry him, I'd extricate myself from the relationship entirely at least until he had acknowledged his debt and formulated a strategy to deal with it.

(BTW all this talk of Russian friends, multiple business and business partners and the fact you have no clue about what exactly it is he does makes it sound like it could be something more shady than just debt...)

RED FLAGS RED FLAGS RED FLAGS

Distant from his parents

You havent met his parents

"I know about his lavish spending, an expensive watch here, renting a flat in Mayfair, buying only bespoke suits an so on ... He is trying to live the same lifestyle he had ... he always felt insecure."

RUUUUUUUUUN!

Born, this person will make you very unhappy. Please get away from him, seriously.