Found out that my fiance is 280k in debt - what happens should I still marry him?

[BornToShopForcedToWork]

Last night my fiance confessed that he is 280k in debt. I am devastated and consider not to marry him anymore. Although we always kept our finances separate and I don't mind marrying him with the debt I am a bit worried that I will be liable for the debt as well. I am not English and therefore not sure how it's handled in the UK. I have assets that I would like to protect.

How shall I handle this situation?

Math, as usual you put it in a far better way than I did!

Op, what Math says.

God what an awful situation OP. I really hate to say it, but I think he has betrayed you wholeheartedly and you should run like the wind.

Op, you sound great. Really grounded, mature, sensible, ethical and with a good work ethic. You have a lot to offer a decent man, and you are also fortunate that you can pick a struggling artist or hard working nurse etc without having to worry financially. Great! You are an absolute catch!
He, however, is not. He is sneaky and dishonest, refuses to be open with you and lives a flash lifestyle out of other people's pockets. I find it impossible to respect a man who is happy to live on money he doesn't have a right to, it's despicable. You really can do a lot lot better, and you are so young that you have plenty of time :)

OP. He needs to grow up, you are not his parent. It sounds like you all mix in the same circles and big money is floating around but he doesn't have it. I've seen loads of children of rich or connected parents think that their lifestyle is the one they are entitled to without realising how much cash/ hard work it takes to maintain it.

I do feel sorry for your fiance as he is obviously struggling with the real world, however his relationship with his parents would be another red flag to me, as well as his spending.

Please tell him that you can't marry a man that isn't honest with you and who also refuses to talk to you about his problem.

You are only 22, please do not settle for this now.

What chaz and erik said

You are 22 , this is your first long term relationship , learn from it ( and you sound very intelligent ) and move on

If you decide to end your engagement I predict he will react very badly and you will see more of his true colours

I am going to be blunt about this.

He is marrying you for your money and nothing more.

Born,

re your comment from earlier:-

"Since I have known him he has lived in at least 12 different places, if not more."
Now why do you think that is exactly?. Did that fact itself not raise any alarm bells?. He's running to escape the debtors who keep chasing him. He probably receives calls from companies chasing him and his debt at all hours. 280K is an awful lot of debt to build up as well.

The very way he treats you and his coldness towards his parents ought to be setting off the alarm bells as well.

(Men like this bloke and my BIL never change. BIL networks like mad and has a company registered at Companies House; his company is a nameplate on a dustbin lid. He has and continues to lie to everyone around him including himself. He is also into flash possessions but cannot maintain or have the lifestyle that he thinks he is entitled to).

He does not love you, he loves your money instead. He is looking to you to bail him out and enable him to maintain the lifestyle he desires and thinks that he deserves. He does not give a toss about you, just your money. I think you are starting to see the real him and what he is really like; i.e a spendthrift with no morals whatsoever. He thinks nothing of you.

You are 22 and this is your first long term relationship. Learn lessons from this and carry them forward. You are intelligent and you can and should give this person the heave ho now.

If you marry him that will be the biggest mistake you have ever made. Dump him now from a great height.

OP i hope you are feeling a little better this morning.

TBH this is not about how much he is in debt. its about him being a selfish person, possible abuser and possibly trying to secure himself with YOUR money.

You are going through alot and instead of supporting you he told you this with the killing himself line. He turned the conversation about him. He WILL NOT support you (emotionally) which a dh should. He will always want to take priority.

He thinks money is more important than your mum having a potentially fatal disease. Do you think money is more important than your mum? thats a big difference in values.

When you have found out he refuses to be open and honest? thats not what a life partner does, it is you be your debt as well. Do you want a husband who is a liar and feels he can choose what information you are allowed to know?

Even taking the actual money out of the equation this is not the makings of a happy marriage.

Do you know why he doesn't speak to his parents?

I don't think you should marry him, even if we forget about the assets you have being at risk.

When it comes down to it, your values are very different. You believe in working hard and being independent. He thinks that he is entitled to have what he wants immediately without having to work for it.

In a marriage that sort of incompatibility just doesn't work.

It doesn't sound like he is able to be what you need. He is thinking about himself at a time when you need support. The problems he has are of his own making, and he can help himself out of them, if he changes his attitude.

You need to have a Big Talk. He will have to change a lot before you can think about committing to him, and you will have to see if he wants to, or is able to. He doesn't sound happy with the way things are. He might want to be different. You can't change him but you might be able to support him while he does.

At 22 I think I would be inclined to pull back and see how it goes. The world is wide open to you.

If you love him then you have a lot of time to invest in him, but I certainly wouldn't let him near your money, and definitely don't marry him.

I would not marry anyone who told me that something so important was none of my business. Simple as that. Someone who wanted to hide things from me or wasn't prepared to be frank and open with me is not someone I would commit to spending my life with.

Hi Borntoshop

I second what everyone else has said:

You are 22 - you have all the time in the world to start again with someone else make sure this man is right for you rather than rush into marriage

He has not grown up yet - he sounds a very, very young 23 and one who has not the faintest grasp about what's important or the consequences of his ridiculously shallow lifestyle

As someone else said, money is the source of many a marital argument (and I'm talking about whether to spend £200 on a new oven or save for a holiday - not how the fuck to clear £280k debt!), this is a terrible way to start a marriage

But the biggest one for me is that he thinks you only want him for his money. What does that say about what he thinks about you...and women in general? At best he doesn't know you at all. At worst he has misogynistic views of women and thinks all women want is to be wined, dined and hook a rich husband. Which of course is offensive bollocks.

Certain things have happened to me recently and I struggle occasionally with depressions. My mother is battling with cancer at the moment and tried to commit suicide last month while I was abroad on holiday. I've had a long, stressful week as I work 60h a week and also study in the evenings. Last night I was really down and was crying to him on the phone for hours. He said that my problems weren't as bad as his...

So, not only is he irresponsible with money, still spending silly amounts on toys instead of dealing with his debt, is secretive about it (Of course it's your business too!) but he doesn't have empathy for you. Even if you could work out the money issues - which I don't think you can - you still have someone who considers their (financial) problems (which he's not dealing with very well) as more important than your physical and emotional ones. He's not very nice in my book and definitely not husband material. He really needs to grow up.

Just one other thought, and I realise he probably hasn't told you this yet and may not even if you ask him.

Money doesn't magically appear or disappear. Where did the 280k come from? Banks or other credit? Seems unlikely that at his age and with no obvious assets as collateral that he'd be loaned that sort of money. Or did it come from private individuals, like friends and family? Either way this is real debt that is causing real people or real businesses problems. Wherever the money came from, that person or business wants it back and meanwhile he is still living an extravagant lifestyle that he can't afford, quite unconcerned about how his actions affect the owner of that money. These don't sound like your own values, BornToShop. I think you're seeing his true colours, I'm sure he's charming, attractive, great fun etc. He may be fine as a temporary boyfriend for fun times but he's not marriage material. You won't have the emotional support or financial security that'll only become more important as you get older.

I hope you have a good weekend

Also, where did the money "disappear" to? I doubt he'll be able to demonstrate spending that amount in an appropriate way. Not a good businessman, even if he wants to think he is. Being deluded about your abilities and your market is dangerous in business.

Don't marry him. Not because of the debt (though I would be panicking if my fiance were so bad with money that he could run up that kind of debt) but because he lied to you, he doesn't think his finances are any of your business, he doesn't support you and his values are out of whack.

Your problems are worse than his - WTF? If he can't support you now, in what ought to be the first flush of love, he'll be a broken reed if you have PND or struggle with a baby who can't sleep. You deserve better.

OP do not stay with this man. At the moment you are feeling very vulnerable and hurt, but none of this is your fault. Not his debt or your mum's cancer - not any of it. You are working hard to build a future for yourself - sounds like all this guy has done is spend what he doesn't have and then expects you to feel sorry for him.
Differences in attitude to money are one of the main reasons couples argue and split up. In the end you will come to resent his childish inablilty to control himself and by then it will probably be at your expense. This guy has got a serious problem if he cannot make a life for himself that he can afford. £280k is a huge amount. Is it secured on anything? As others have asked where did he get the loan? Is he repaying it?
I also query just how separate you could keep finances as a married couple. Sure you can keep separate assets and bank accounts, but if you don't trust each other enough to share things like salary levels and information on properties, then can you trust enough to raise a family - NO.
I doubt he will ever change. Move on now before he gets his claws into your money.

Just precis'd this for dh to "would you marry someone who just told you they had 280K of debt and, when asked about it, said it was none of your business?"

His response: "not if they seriously thought it was none of my business, no."

There you go!

I think you know the answer, dont you?

This man has delusions of grandeur and if you marry him he will continue as he is, in fact I think he will anyway.

Also, I think you may well become liabe for his debts.

AND I think part of your attraction for him is that you are so organised and sensible and he thinks you can be the 'money organiser', whilst he continues to spend, just like magic. Even f he denies it, and wants to change, I bet the first time you are discussing which restaurant, there will be a row,

Also, 'I dont believe him'??? You are probably right not to, but why marry a liar and a spendthrift.

Run

I'd like to know why you want to marry him.

You poor thing, a devastating time for you. My heart goes out to you. Do you have family you could go and stay with for a day or two just to get yourself grounded again? You probably want your mum - I would. Can you go there? You don't have to tell anyone there your situation, just be there quietly with her and remember what it is like to be with people who share your values.

Bornto if you marry, you are likely to lose all that you inherited, as it will be swallowed up by his debts. As it is, you don't even know if the £280k is the full amount. You have probably only been told an amount that he thinks you will find 'acceptable'.

If I were you, I would go on a site like Experian, and obtain a copy of his credit-rating. You may be in for a nasty surprise. Given the way credit card companies were throwing credit cards with 0% balance transfers at people until fairly recently, this may be how he has managed to run up such a huge debt. If some of it is with his Russian 'friends', I would scarper sharpish if I were you.

Later, I'd breathe a very very huge sigh of relief that I'd got away unscathed.

Run a mile. Plenty of fish in the sea.

How young you are to have all these troubles. Luckily your employers sound nice, hopefully he won't come round and try to see you. It's awful for anyone when thy realise their man has feet of clay. If he went to public school this must of cost thousands, then uni.. Did he go into business with rich friends? His poor parents, all that money invested in him and he gets in a mess and won't talk to them. Or they are fed up with bailing him out.

Btw, I went to loads of pr etc parties, all mates got invited. It's a very badly paid job cos of the glamour! So you have to be rich to take the job and survive. Like gallery assistants:) And public school people all knw each other.

Run. It's a lucky escape.

Run. Run like fuck. And then run some more. And keep running til you cannot see hide nor hair of him in your rearview mirror. And then run a bit more just to be sure.

And I would want to know more about why he's not speaking to his parents. Have you met them?